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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

999 replies

Evilwater · 12/11/2016 21:18

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 13/11/2016 18:32

Atsea that's definitely bad form! At least a card and a bottle of wine! It doesn't have to cost much it's the thought that counts.
Happy birthday for tomorrow

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 18:45

AtSea1979 Did he definitely know it was your birthday? He should have at least got you a card - does he know your address properly? If so, a card might still turn up tomorrow? Hope you have a good one anyway, with or without him. Smile

bikerlou I have the opposite problem. I get asked out by men who are at least 25 years older if not more so IRL.

So, Mr Sweet has sent me his phone number. I'm quite fed up of POF now, but I'm prepared to try a third first date from it because he sounds kinda normal and if we don't click, I suspect he would be up for being friends. Which would be nice, I guess.

Still staring at Bumble without any inspiration. I have to start a conversation with my matches with 24 hours or they disappear...

Clawdeen · 13/11/2016 18:51

atsea that is really poor. Did he wish you happy birthday at least.

Hello lilac

My goodness, ok stupid has been an eye opener. It has made me laugh so much. V different to soulmates but at least there is s larger selection. But my goodness. So many men in open relationships or 'ethically non monogamous'. I even had to google some of the terminology BlushGrin. Lots of headless naked torsos but some downright odd ones- the sole photo being a foot or their pyjama bottoms. The worst was a headless side profile of his boxer shorts containing a large erection! I did have to laugh. Have been feeling so despondent with this whole dating business and men in their 40s seemingly only wanting sex and not a relationship. This has cheered me up- if only that it's all faintly ridiculous. One guy openly admitted to being married- 'but that's ok as I'm happy to drive to you'! Hmm

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 18:56

Clawdeen There are a couple of those on POF. One who isn't exactly a stunner saying he's ethnically non-monogamous, and one whose profile picture is just a close up of his boxer shorts. I wonder if they're the same men? I despair sometimes.

I just want to meet a nice man who thinks I'm pretty and who wants to spend time with me. Is that so much to ask for?

Bant · 13/11/2016 19:02

I may try bumble, it sounds like far less work for me.

The problem is, I'm on pof (dire), OKC (less dire but full of polyamorists) and match, which is better.

On pof I really don't fancy many of the profiles. People can't spell in their profile, or have so many tattoos it's difficult to make out their face.

But on each of the sites I'll mail someone. See a photo I like, see if they sound interesting in their profile, work out if there is something interesting to say to them other than 'hey'. I'll go through phases of sending four or five messages to people in one evening. Each one takes about quarter of an hour or so to write, as its got to be amusing, interested, relevant to them.

I'll hear back from maybe one in five first messages. Some just never read them, some read them and looked at my profile and decided not to reply.

Then, of those, I'll often find the conversations are generally dull. Many of the women are still in the throes of a separation, and I've learned from experience not to get involved there. Way too complicated, they're looking to be rescued. Many are monosyllabic. I'd it gets to the point where I'm just asking questions and they're never asking any back, then their conversational skills are obviously lacking, or at least they're not interested in me.

And then eventually, with some, I'll want to ask them out for a date. And then the whole thing begins again, that there's no chemistry, or no spark. Or they tell me I remind them of their husband. And so I go back to online dating and trawl through the people to try to find someone who looks interesting.

So maybe bumble, where they have to go through that effort for the first bit at least, would be better. Although judging on the quality of the first messages I receive on Match and pof, I'm not holding out much hope.

Clawdeen · 13/11/2016 19:05

pringle that's what I would like too. We're not asking for the earth, you'd think it would be achievable wouldn't it?

I wouldn't be surprised if they were the same! It was the first time I'd heard the expression ethically non monogamous.

I've been briefly chatting to one guy today who had a normal profile/photos when he suddenly revealed he had a second alternative profile on the site and he only mentioned it as I had looked at it. Turns out he is one of the headless naked torsos ( I'd been clicking away on them to be nosey!). The profiles couldn't be more different in terms of what they are looking for!

BaklavaBalaclava · 13/11/2016 19:09

Happy birthday atsea dumping offense if he's not got something amazing and secret lined to for tomorrow!

Go for it Pringle. It's nice to make more friends...

claw sounds v funny. I will have to explore something other than pof at some point.

Annoyingly, there was no kissing today. I have Cher songs in my head. How do I know if there is anything there without trying a kiss? Grr

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 19:10

Bant Bumble seems very easy for men. Women have to make the first move. I'm not used to making the first move!

I'm close to abandoning POF. OKC I've never used because an ex who is an [insert swear word of choice] uses that site. I do not want to run into him there...

Clawdeen I think if possible, the expression is even more off-putting than the mentality... It's just awful!

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 19:11

BaklavaBalaclava Oh, I agree. You need a kiss to figure it out...

loobyloo1234 · 13/11/2016 19:12

I've tried Bumble before. Better calibre of good looking men, BUT I found that whole 24 hour thing stressful. Less men replied than on other OLD sites I found. Maybe that was just me. Only takes one hottie though I guess? I can't even bear to do OLD again at the mo but I am going to watch the thread with anticipation for everyone else

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 13/11/2016 19:14

clawdeen pringle. I was beginning to think I was the only one!

But profiles that say one thing, and a conversation that says something else are another minefield

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 19:15

what is bumble

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 19:21

QueenLizIII Tinder for girls, in a nutshell.

Lilacpink40 · 13/11/2016 19:24

Hi all date 3 over and I'm none the wiser. On paper it should work, we have similar interests and experiences. We talk easily, seem to understand each other, but then he suddenly acts very unsure. Also physically things haven't gone forwards if anything it was like a first date all over again Sad

Has anyone else had this then come back from it and it's improved?

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 19:33

Tinder for girls? You mean 11 year olds? Confused

What is meant by tinder for girls?

pringlecat · 13/11/2016 19:37

QueenLizIII Basically, it's an app where you swipe whether or not you like the other person, and you can only connect if both people swipe yes. Then the woman has to take the lead and send a message - men are not allowed to start conversations. I gather it's been designed to be more female-friendly than apps like Tinder. Once you're matched, the woman has 24 hours to send a message or the match disappears forever.

You do put a bit of text up there, but very limited, so with some of them, all you have to go on is pictures. That's the bit I struggle with. I want some text so I can say something relevant/interesting. I don't know how to open otherwise...

Bant · 13/11/2016 19:41

Try a joke, pringle

SuperFlyHigh · 13/11/2016 19:43

Ok. Going to do my update now.

Now have 3 irons. Mr Cute who's emailed via tinder asking what my plans are this week Mr Beardy (I think his name) who is off on holiday tomorrow for 2 weeks but wants a date when he returns and Widower who I'm still texting getting on really well but need to meet him soon.

Will reply to other posts and give input later!

Forme2016 · 13/11/2016 19:48

Evening everyone, trying to keep up with this thread and find we're already on to 110. Lots has been going on.

Bant the way you describe things is pretty much how I've found them from the female perspective too, I'm only on POF. You have to do the ground work (without making it sound utterly unromantic).

Pringle I think a third first date (or fourth, fifth, sixth) is a good idea, you have to keep trying otherwise it may never happen. The ones you've met so far weren't right, doesn't mean the next one won't be (or number 15) but I know how hard it can be to get enthusiastic when previous first dates haven't worked out the way you'd hoped.

Mrsfluff love reading your updates - so pleased the meeting between Mr 31 and the teen went well, hope it continues Smile

My Mr Nuclear (first date number 5) from last weekend is looking very promising. He is simply lovely and we've seen each other three times this week (so glad he is local) and have things in common that a dating site would never match you on. It has taught me to keep an open mind, I had already seen his profile but ruled him out because he is shorter than I thought I wanted and has no kids. So glad he contacted me and I replied to that first message.

Good luck everyone else!

Forme2016 · 13/11/2016 19:51

Oh, and when I say I'm only on POF - I'm not any more, I have deleted my profile although haven't told Mr Nuclear yet and am trying to convince myself I'm not over investing too soon

Hueandcry · 13/11/2016 19:54

Hi all, haven't been on for a while & haven't had a chance to catch up but feeling really sorry for myself. Just been ghosted for the 3rd time in a row. Wtf am I doing wrong? Really really upset & feel like giving up

AtSea1979 · 13/11/2016 20:04

Ghosted? Not sure what that is but I'm sorry you feel upset.

Clawdeen · 13/11/2016 20:17

Oh hue ghosting is the absolute pits. It's so rude, cowardly and immature and it says nothing about you and everything about them. I'm really sorry, it sucks Flowers

loobyloo1234 · 13/11/2016 20:18

Oh no hue - how long were you with him? I don't get the ghosting thing. People can be such pricks. Just tell someone you don't like them. So much easier (although I've just done that and feel like total shit) Sad

Myusernameismyusername · 13/11/2016 20:32

Lilac yes, I went from 5 dates no snogging or physical contact 'mate dates' to now, which was an emergency mooseburger feast and included me being rendered incoherent for at least 10 mins Blush

Don't give up if there is a connection and you do fancy him - he would not agree to a date if he wasn't feeling similar