I caught DH out tonight

[CarrieMayBe]

There's such a long back story to our marriage - been together just over 20yrs, married for 13.5yrs. 4 DCs.

Things been rocky for a number of years and we did actually split for 7 months just over 3yrs ago. During that time separated I got myself lots of help for the PND that I'd been suffering from for years and became a new person. DH evaluated himself too and said he could see his faults and promised to work on them if there was a chance of us getting back together. Also, our youngest daughter who was 5 at the time really struggled to cope with our split. She was hysterical whenever DH dropped her back home after his weekend of having the DCs, to the point he literally had to drag her out of his house and into mine. I tried to get her counselling but neither the school or the GP could arrange it, lack of services in our area apparently.

Anyway, the guilt over how it was affecting DD coupled with the fact that our time apart had made us realise that we did indeed have something good worth trying again for meant we gave our marriage another shot.

DH moved back in, things were really good for a few months but then they began to slip. DH started drinking heavily again (always a big issue between us) blaming the stress of work as usual. We totally by accident ended up seeing a house to buy that we fell head over heels in love with. We weren't looking to move even but decided it would be a fresh start and a forever home for us. The purchase was far from plain sailing due to various legal issues and to cut a long story short we only moved in in May this year, 14 months after actually buying it. The legal issues still haven't been resolved and we are under huge financial strain because of it. DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM so the pressure to keep up with the horrendous costs is all on him. I totally understand this and have been fully supportive.

Due to the stress of the past 2yrs things have become bad between us again. We don't have sex, we barely talk and although we have periods of things being good between us most of the time we just co-exist in the same house. It can be horrible and so lonely. DH doesn't do emotions or affection in any shape or form, he can with the kids but not me. He accepts this as a fault of his and claims that's just who he is. It leads to resentment on my part and I find it hard to be physically attracted to someone who makes no effort with me at other times.

For the past few weeks I've noticed he's been careful with his phone. Little things like if it's on charge in the kitchen for example, a room that I'm usually in, he will put it on flight mode so new messages can't come in. I can hear it buzzing at other times to show he has a message and he hates texting, really uses it as a last resort kind of communication. I've suspected he's talking to another woman. Tonight he fell asleep whilst putting youngest DC to bed and I went to wake him up. I saw his phone on the side and picked it up to give to him and as I moved it the screen lit up and there was a message - I couldn't see what it said but there were lots of ..... in the paragraph and emoticons. Believe me, none of his mates would send a message with content like that, not their style at all.

So I pulled him up on it, told him I knew it was from a woman and, to cut a very long night indeed short, I have finally had most of the truth out of him. Yes he's been in contact with a woman he met through work. It's been going on 6 months. They've had sex at least once that I know of (he's still not telling me everything I'm sure, he says he doesn't want to keep hurting me but the not knowing is making it harder) which he admitted happened when he'd spent a night at a hotel with her.

I'm devastated. He keeps telling me our marriage was all but over, I've withheld sex from him so what did I expect, he was weak and couldn't help it...all the standard stuff. I've been out for a drive on my own where I spent an hour driving down dark country lanes screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate him and he's a cunt. I've cried til I have no tears left. I haven't slept at all. I just don't know what to do now. We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will. I know we're over, but I don't want us to be. I know our marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested going to relate during the summer but he brushed it off...of course he was shagging her at that point. He says he doesn't want to be with her, she's married too (pair of charmers aren't they?). I was hoping that after getting the shit with the house sorted next year we could concentrate our efforts on getting us back on track, I've already booked a break away for just the two of us next summer. Not enough I know but the intention is there, just mixed up in all the stress I suppose. I know I'm not blameless in this and have accepted that when talking with him tonight although I still don't think it excuses what he's done. I know DD will never cope with this break up. Added to that we still are living in a house we legally aren't allowed to live in.

Sorry this is so long and probably incoherent. I don't want to drip feed though if I can help it.

What a fucking mess. Please hold my hand.

I agree Fantastic he is pathetic because if he's at his mum's he can't sit and drink all night and she will harp on at him constantly. And to be fair, even if he was brave enough to go there it wouldn't last 5 mins as he'd blow his top and storm out. He's away from here and that's what matters, not where he goes I don't think.

I'm now having a hot chocolate made with milk so that's a start.

I could go away for a night or two but not long term because I'm not leaving the kids. It could be an option for this weekend I suppose, I hadn't really considered it.

I have a hunch I have found the OW. If it is her then he's lied to me about where she works and how he met her. And if it is her then I can't compete, she is seriously stunning and it's no wonder he fell for her, risked everything for her and couldn't give her up. He told me yesterday that she was a happy person (as in, compared to me) no bloody wonder, she had everything didn't she?

He fell for her because he's a sneak and a cheat, it has nothing to do with the interpretation of her looks, is she with her now then?

He not she

Well done with the hot chocolate, a good start to getting fuel into you.

He's actually compared her to you in the 'happiness' stakes has he? Perhaps that will change if she ends up with him. I wouldn't even want to 'compete' with her, because that implies that he is actually a prize, instead of a faithless, shallow fuckface.

Carrie just read your whole thread and am sorry he's put you through so much
To answer you question about food, yes that happened to me and it took nearly a month to start eating healthily again. Try to take care of your emotions first and your appetite will come back I promise. Be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Get space from him. Don't discuss things with him he doesn't deserve your confidence.

It sounds to me like he has big issue that he needs to sort out, starting with the alcohol which must be a symptom of something bigger but that is NOT your reponsibility and please don't waste energy on trying to work out why.

It's telling to me that just when you were feeling good about yourself again, had a social life and had moved into a beautiful house that he chose to fuck things up. My ex couldn't bear it when things were good, and just like yours was unfaithful (again) just when it was all going well (he admitted to me in a rare moment of clarity that he wanted to spoil everything, I'd have never worked that out as had never met someone with such dark thinking processes before). Maybe yours couldn't bear to seeing you doing so well (and projected that another guy might come along and notice because he has a problem with boundaries)...just a thought.

Re the children. It tore me up too. Until I realised that I'd been conditioned by him to take 100% responsibility for thinking about DS's well-being. HE put the family at risk not you. So you're 50% is to get support for yourself, find the right words to explain (I think breaking up from someone damaging sends a very good message to kids that it's ok to make mistakes, that we're responsible for our own choices and our children but not for our "adult" partner, etc).

My DS has a much much better relationship with his Dad now we're apart. Kids adapt really well when you do things for the right reasons.

Whatever OW looks like you have your own unique beauty and sound like a caring, lovely person. Don't let him drag you into a comparison game over happiness, that's manipulative bullshit. You were happy until he did this. In fact, he knows fine well what he's losing which is why he wants to stay together.
Keep all of those lovely qualities for someone who deserves them and in tbe meantime babysteps but walk away .

Maybe if he gave you the sort of attention he gave her you would be 'happier'!

Well done on the hot choc, it doesn't matter what you eat, just try and have a little something, soup, mashed potatoes anything, don't force feed yourself but just a little.

So glad you have RL support. 💐

She is a married woman who has cheated on her husband with a married man. She doesn't even come close to being able to compete against you - what she looks like is immaterial.

You are the good person in amongst all of this, don't forget that.

But that's the thing, we weren't happy before he did this. We didn't talk much, we didn't have sex. I can see why he would be tempted but I don't understand how he could go through with it. If it had been a ONS I would struggle with the thought of them having sex but I think I could get over it. Being drunk, being instantly attracted to someone, having sex and then no further contact when you're quite frankly miserable at home - I get how that could happen. But not a 6 month affair which was consciously continued despite the risks. During which time our relationship got even worse because it justified his behaviour. His drinking got even worse (and it was way above normal to begin with) and he completely withdrew from family life. He made me even more miserable during that time than I was before.

She might be all those things mentioned but, if I've got the right person, she really is beautiful. That's eating me up, I knew she'd be attractive but she's way younger than he said (a good 5 or 10yrs I'd say) and I know he must make comparisons when he looks at me.

I can't help thinking of all the times I've slobbed around in tracky bottoms on a Sunday, he must've looked at me and thought 'ffs, is it any wonder?'. I'm not a scruffy person at all, I take a huge pride in my appearance but I always felt comfortable enough with him to let go sometimes. I know if we tried again I'd never be able to do that.

I do feel stronger though, I do feel I could cope without him but still don't know if I want to. I just still can't get past hurting the kids though, regardless of whose fault it is it will still be me dealing with the fallout of it all as I'll be the one living with them.

You are not 100% sure it's her so stop beating yourself up. Also you will not be looking at candid photos, only images she has chosen to put up.

Stop blaming yourself.

He put his energies and efforts into another woman rather than work on his marriage.

carrie I found out about the OW via ebay, of all things. I had an account and used ex's ipad to log in - except it was already logged in, to a female name (you know the bit that says "Hello Jess" in the top left hand corner - except it said "Hello Her Name). I asked him who it was and he laughed and said someone from the Jobcentre. He even told me that it was a guy's name (absolutely not a male name, but when you want to believe, you want to believe)

I wrote the full name in my diary. At that point I believed him, but something wasn't ringing true. After he confessed, I Googled her. She's at least ten, possibly more, years younger than me - stick thin and beautiful. I already had low self esteem. It fucking crushed me. I felt exactly the same. I had a bit of baby weight and he always told me he preferred me without make-up, that he loved my curves and asked me not to straighten my hair. Why, when a fully made-up, straight-haired, thin woman was what he clearly found desirable?

There are times when I think we could salvage it - with help - and times when I think if one individual can make another (someone they claim to love) feel so desperate, so shitty, so crap - then why on earth try to fix it?

You will cope without him, but you need a ton of support.

Stop taking any blame OP, you never went out and had a six month affair did you, no? And, if he can do that, he can have a ONS as well, he's the type of person that thinks it's ok as he wasn't getting it at home, do you really want to be associated with a person with this kind of moral compass, or lack of, no.

Yes stop taking the blame...

Sorry if I read it wrong but what drew my attention was when you said this :I was so much better, I was the old me again. I had more confidence, found a new group of friends, for the first time since being a teenager I had an active social life - everything was looking up. Until we moved here 6 months ago that is. Despite all the issues with the legal side of living in the house I was so excited to move in. It's a beautiful house, acres of land. He turned into an even bigger arsehole within weeks of us moving I won't insist on the timing of his affair, but it stinks of someone sabotaging your happiness. Sorry, I hope I'm wrong.

As for OW, she may fit a specific stereotype but her personality could well be very very ugly..and that's what counts in the end.

So had she used the iPad Jess? It's incredible the lies they tell when confronted with the facts.

When I was packing his stuff yesterday, every time I came across something I knew he'd worn when with her (he has a shit wardrobe, no fashion sense at all and only ever looks presentable because I choose his clothes for him therefore only has two decent 'going out shirts' and I remember the top he wore on another night) I put them aside rather than into the suitcase. Then, and I really enjoyed this part, I ripped them to shreds. And cut his only pair of boots up (he wears trainers rest of the time). I put them in a separate bag and gave them to him telling him there are the clothes you wore when you fucked her. Pathetic, yes. Made me feel better to know I wouldn't ever have to clap eyes on him wearing those things again. Although one of the first things I remembered when he told me which occasions he'd seen her on was that I'd ironed his shirts for him before he went out those times. Fuck he had some nerve.

I know I need to stop comparing myself to her but let's face it, it would be a damn sight easier if she was a fat munter wouldn't it?

She might be happy now, but that's because she's not been living with him! It's easy to be happy when you're having a fling - everything's exciting, isn't it? I hate the thought that you wouldn't be able to be yourself if you stayed with him - that is really awful.

I don't think he sabotaged my happiness deliberately but I do think he saw me being happy in every other aspect of my life apart from the big one which was my marriage to him. I suspect his justification for starting a relationship with her (and continuing it) was why shouldn't he have some happiness too? And I get that, I really do.

Well don't get it because its a screwed up view of things.

I don't care how much he justified it to himself, he could have worked on your happiness within the marriage, he didn't, he put his energies into someone else. That energy could/should have been spent on you.

Yeah, his IPad which I often borrowed, hence assuming I could open my account on there. At least it appeals to my black sense of humour - there are a hundred ways to get caught for cheating online, but EBay isn't usually the first that springs to mind!

Aaahhh - my ex has often said "Would it have been better if she was someone your age"? (we're both 42!) Answer: Yes!

We also had a break a year ago - only a month - but I did feel happier, so I'm not sure why this time around has been so painful and I do wonder if it's the combination of infidelity and damaged self-esteem.

I did bin-bag his clothes and shoes and thought about taking them to the charity shop, but I never did it. Hmmm....

Oh so do I, and that was exactly what I used to tell myself so I really know how that must feel. But say that were true that he envied you your happiness. Wouldn't a loving response then have been to tell you about it, that he was pleased for you but was feeling sad himself, that he would do everything to make you and the children happy and start by stopping drinking...you know what I mean? It's just not ok that you feel in any way to blame or having contributed to this.
My ex made me feel totally like I'd "pushed him to it" when in fact he just can't feel responsible for anything. Plays lip service to it, great at saying all the right things etc but his actions speak otherwise...even now two years down the line he's still like that, just no longer with me thankfully.
it is hard but you have an opportunity here too

sinking Wow, that rings a bell....

Sorry to hear that Jess..x

Of course it would've been better if he'd worked on making our marriage happier but that would've been the hard way wouldn't it. This way was far easier. And must've far better for him. That's one of the things I'm finding difficult, he hasn't said he loved her but he hasn't said she meant nothing either. He says they became good friends who did have sex, the once. But he's admitted the continuing messages had sexual content at times so it wasn't a case of 'we had sex but it was a mistake. However I really like you as a person so can we stay friends?' was it? I know they'd have met up again if he hadn't been caught and the texts would definitely continued. He says he has no intention of contacting her because she represents everything that's happening now - the complete shit storm we're in. Therefore he doesn't want to see or speak to her. That not the same as him realising that she means nothing to compared to what he has with me. That doesn't mean that if things calm down he won't go straight back. If she was such a good friend then he must miss her - he's going through hell so he'd want to tell her about it wouldn't he?

He's blaming her

Don't get me wrong, she's far from blameless...but when does he start realising that he chose all of this...there were other ways of addressing what was going on

OMG, just no, he is entitled to happiness, that doesn't mean he goes off and has a six month sexual affair - and if you believe they only had sex once in six months then you really need to smell that coffee OP.

He simply wanted his cake OP and how he can't have it, boo hoo, and fuck your feelings along the way, stay strong, you must know you can do a zillion times better than this liar and cheat.

It would upset me more that they were intimate than that they'd had sex though that's obviously a deal breaker anyway.

I don't think he's worth analysing too much it can be a trap and stops you from focusing on what he did, what you want, need yourself