I caught DH out tonight

[CarrieMayBe]

There's such a long back story to our marriage - been together just over 20yrs, married for 13.5yrs. 4 DCs.

Things been rocky for a number of years and we did actually split for 7 months just over 3yrs ago. During that time separated I got myself lots of help for the PND that I'd been suffering from for years and became a new person. DH evaluated himself too and said he could see his faults and promised to work on them if there was a chance of us getting back together. Also, our youngest daughter who was 5 at the time really struggled to cope with our split. She was hysterical whenever DH dropped her back home after his weekend of having the DCs, to the point he literally had to drag her out of his house and into mine. I tried to get her counselling but neither the school or the GP could arrange it, lack of services in our area apparently.

Anyway, the guilt over how it was affecting DD coupled with the fact that our time apart had made us realise that we did indeed have something good worth trying again for meant we gave our marriage another shot.

DH moved back in, things were really good for a few months but then they began to slip. DH started drinking heavily again (always a big issue between us) blaming the stress of work as usual. We totally by accident ended up seeing a house to buy that we fell head over heels in love with. We weren't looking to move even but decided it would be a fresh start and a forever home for us. The purchase was far from plain sailing due to various legal issues and to cut a long story short we only moved in in May this year, 14 months after actually buying it. The legal issues still haven't been resolved and we are under huge financial strain because of it. DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM so the pressure to keep up with the horrendous costs is all on him. I totally understand this and have been fully supportive.

Due to the stress of the past 2yrs things have become bad between us again. We don't have sex, we barely talk and although we have periods of things being good between us most of the time we just co-exist in the same house. It can be horrible and so lonely. DH doesn't do emotions or affection in any shape or form, he can with the kids but not me. He accepts this as a fault of his and claims that's just who he is. It leads to resentment on my part and I find it hard to be physically attracted to someone who makes no effort with me at other times.

For the past few weeks I've noticed he's been careful with his phone. Little things like if it's on charge in the kitchen for example, a room that I'm usually in, he will put it on flight mode so new messages can't come in. I can hear it buzzing at other times to show he has a message and he hates texting, really uses it as a last resort kind of communication. I've suspected he's talking to another woman. Tonight he fell asleep whilst putting youngest DC to bed and I went to wake him up. I saw his phone on the side and picked it up to give to him and as I moved it the screen lit up and there was a message - I couldn't see what it said but there were lots of ..... in the paragraph and emoticons. Believe me, none of his mates would send a message with content like that, not their style at all.

So I pulled him up on it, told him I knew it was from a woman and, to cut a very long night indeed short, I have finally had most of the truth out of him. Yes he's been in contact with a woman he met through work. It's been going on 6 months. They've had sex at least once that I know of (he's still not telling me everything I'm sure, he says he doesn't want to keep hurting me but the not knowing is making it harder) which he admitted happened when he'd spent a night at a hotel with her.

I'm devastated. He keeps telling me our marriage was all but over, I've withheld sex from him so what did I expect, he was weak and couldn't help it...all the standard stuff. I've been out for a drive on my own where I spent an hour driving down dark country lanes screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate him and he's a cunt. I've cried til I have no tears left. I haven't slept at all. I just don't know what to do now. We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will. I know we're over, but I don't want us to be. I know our marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested going to relate during the summer but he brushed it off...of course he was shagging her at that point. He says he doesn't want to be with her, she's married too (pair of charmers aren't they?). I was hoping that after getting the shit with the house sorted next year we could concentrate our efforts on getting us back on track, I've already booked a break away for just the two of us next summer. Not enough I know but the intention is there, just mixed up in all the stress I suppose. I know I'm not blameless in this and have accepted that when talking with him tonight although I still don't think it excuses what he's done. I know DD will never cope with this break up. Added to that we still are living in a house we legally aren't allowed to live in.

Sorry this is so long and probably incoherent. I don't want to drip feed though if I can help it.

What a fucking mess. Please hold my hand.

Poor you Carrie it sounds awful. We're all here with a HTH

Oh Carrie, I feel for you. I was where you are a few years back. You're saying you're partly to blame. You are not! I know all to well the lack of affection and the expectation that a hug should lead to sex. That makes you lonely whilst simultaneously putting you on edge. You made a suggestion about counselling and he batted it away. He prioritised his own needs over your needs or the needs of you as a couple. My ex did exactly the same thing. Once he'd emotionally latched on to the OW he batted away all attempts at fixing our relationship. I believe he liked moaning about me to OW to justify his infidelity so he didn't want to fix our marriage because then he'd have to admit to himself that he was a dick iyswim. I love being a single mum. I feel far, far less lonely. I'd been with exh since we were teenagers and after 20 years I was poleaxed by the changes I felt I had no control over. Once the dust has settled there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Maybe we can hold each other hands Carrie I am currently going through a similar situation although I don't think my dh had sex with ow just flirty text messages. Has your dh agreed to end the affair does ow dh know ? Does your dh want to stay and work at your marriage? you have had a terrible shock try and put a brave face on for dc get through it one day at a time and look after yourself I know I struggled to eat and sleep. Sending u hugs

Hugs to you. What an awful position to be put in!!

I think you need to take some time, work out what info you feel you 'need' to know in order to get your head straight and then take it from there.

Don't make and steadfast claims of staying together/splitting up til you've had processing time and know what you want.

Perhaps there is one person irl you could confide in?? If not you would be welcome to pm me.

Don't be railroaded into thinking you're to blame, no matter what his reasons are - he and he alone is solely responsible for removing it from his trousers and putting it elsewhere!! Even the ow didn't force him - it was his decision to make and he made the wrong one.

Really sorry for this awful situation, OP. You've been together 20 years from age 17 so by my calculations you are 37ish? ( mathematical scholar, no?) That is really, really young. Many women aren't even starting their families at your stage.

What I'm trying to say is don't stay and forgive him because of the time you have had. They call that the sunken cost fallacy. You could easily have another 40-50 years together, do you want more of the same for that long?

You are in absolute shock. Where is he now? I would suggest asking him to move out for a few days. Consider your options carefully. Short term pain could free you to a lifetime of gain. Your DC will recover, it will take time but they will.

The bit that did it for me was him blaming you for withholding sex. This isn't your fault. Not even a tiny bit. He is a deceitful adulterer and he should own that.

Sending you whatever it takes to get through the next hours and days. And if you can tell your friend it might help.

Carrie you say in your op that when you separated for 7 months, you became a new person.

I think that is very, very significant. You are in shock right now and terribly hurt and frightened. But remember that new person. You coped before and you will again. Your children will too, it may not be ideal but being in an unhappy home will be much worse for them.

Please don't put yourself through the hell of trying to make it work with a cheat who doesn't particularly want it to and blames you for the affair anyway. Believe me, it is emotional torture and terribly damaging to you.

Sieze the initiative, take control of your own future. Obviously right now you need to recover from the initial shock, so look after yourself with kindness. I would share with someone in RL. You don't have to keep his secrets and you need the support.

I think sex is really important to bond a relationship without it intimacy can fade and cracks can appear. At which opportunist behaviours come into play.

OP, do you want.to split with him? Do you love him or do you feel at present that you don't know him?

Carrie so sorry to hear what you're going through, I'm 5 months on from a similar situation.

It is utter shit, you're in shock, your whole world and what you believed in has been blown apart. If you have a close friend then please tell her and use her for support. Don't think too far ahead at the moment as it will seem too daunting.

As other have said, this is not your fault.

Nothing much to add to what others have said, just wanted to chip in. You sound such a lovely person Carrie, you want to do your best by your children but...staying with this man may not be it (your DD's reaction last time you split notwithstanding). Don't let the thought of upsetting your children keep you in a relationship that, when they've left home, will leave you alone (because 'D' H will bugger off) and regretting wasted years.

You only have one life. Seize it.

We stayed together. Biggest mistake of my life. Thought I was doing it for the kids but the toxic atmosphere they had to live in before they left home did more damage than a clean break would have done.

What Goody writes is good advice. Also, while you need to be careful how you explain things, you don't have to hide the truth.

Yes you probably do have to shoulder some blame for being apathetic towards your relationship but that's not the same as taking the blame for him choosing to cheat on you for six months - he's using the state of your relationship as an excuse to have sex with someone else, that's really not on and makes him look pretty nasty imo - I always do wonder when women and men write about being in a sexless relationship but they are both fine with it, or think each other are, it's quite often not the case and can lead to affairs just like this but it's still a CHOICE he made and for half a year!

I know you don't want to split for the kids but I'd definitely be asking him to move out for now, otherwise you are going to kill your own self worth and give him the green light to carry on next time he's stressed at work, we are all bloody stressed at work!

Like a lot of relationships when kids come along it's easier to stay together than actually face up the fact that the relationship is already dead.

I think time apart will give you space to think properly, show him that you are not a walk over and help you both communicate better and see if there's anything worth saving, I am just not convinced he can be 100% committed to you, and if not, what's the point?

He's a grade A cunt by the sound of it. Tight and selfish.

Iiwy I'd get some counselling to bash through the issues - loss, betrayal, fear, guilt (re children) - you are facing.

Be kind kind kind to yourself. You are entirely not at fault, regardless what you did or didn't do. He is entirely responsible for his lazy fecklessness, his revolting betrayal and selfishness.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, sadly many of us have been in your position.

No one can tell you what to do but do take your time, as others have said do not accept the blame for this - if there is something lacking then you work on your marriage or leave, not have an affair with the first available woman.

You will never know the extent of their 'relationship', even if you had seen the texts - you know enough. It will chew you up inside if you try and find out all the details because you will never be sure you know it all.

💐💐💐

What a horrible shock, nobody expects their husband to have an affair ... but you're not alone and MN will help you through this. Real life friends will rally round too. Let them help you, your friends will want to be there for you.

Counselling is a really good idea, helped me loads when my marriage fell to bits. Ring for a GP appointment so you can start the process. They need to support you, so you can support your DC.

You're stronger than you know. I promise you will get through this [unmumsnetty hug]

Hi Carrie, how old are the children? I'm in a different situation (I'm leaving my h, not for anyone else) and my DC are 15 & 12 and I have to say it's not easier them being older. I wish I'd done it years ago when they were younger. Don't do what I did & stay for the kids. It will eat you up inside. I know this is all very raw but just think it all through. Take your time making decisions.

Kids are 21, 17, 8 and 6 😥

Carrie, I couldn't read and run. Really sorry to hear of this awful situation. I agree with what everybody else has said - him having sex with somebody else is NOT your fault. Yes, you might be partially to blame for difficulties in your relationship - but you were putting in the effort to work on them, and he wasn't. To me, he sounds weak. I'm so sorry that he is clearly not the man you thought he was.

I'm really sorry to add this, but having skimmed through I can't see that anyone else has mentioned it... You should probably get yourself to a GUM clinic, especially as you think you may have picked up thrush from this situation. Please, please don't be too embarrassed to go. It's all anonymous - they call out a number in the waiting room rather than a name (or they certainly did the last time I went). The staff are always lovely at those clinics - very understanding, totally non-judgmental.

Huge hugs to you. This too shall pass. One day you will look back on this and you will be healed. I hope that day comes as soon as possible for you xxx

Bugger, just typed a long reply and lost it. Don't have energy at moment to do it again. Just realised I've been awake since 4am yesterday.

He'll be home any minute to talk. Think we'll just go round in circles. I've never cried so much I don't think.

Google The Script (affairs) - otherwise you'll be sent to a bunch of stuff about a crappy boy and and wonder what the hell I'm going on about.

My ex and I were arguing a lot earlier this year, mainly about DS's autism diagnosis. At one point he said he was going to find someone more suited to him, and when I asked who, he replied "I dunno, twenty something stoner with tats?" and laughed, adding he was joking. In fact, as I later found out, he'd already been shagging the girl he described for the previous three months.

I have to go out, but I'll be back in a bit. In the meantime, am sending loving thoughts. You are in absolute shock right now, and this is the very worst bit. You need space to think and think and think.

Carrie you mentioned you both promised DCs that you won't split again. He broke that promise, not you. Remember that.

Don't feel you have to talk. You are totally exhausted. He will only try to justify and shift blame.

Send him away to give you some space. Then sleep.x

Ok, a few things... Someone told me years ago that the best punishment for stealing someone else's spouse was having to keep them. This I think applies to OW. She doesn't realise that he is a selfish, emotionally stunted arsehole yet
It may make you feel sick to think of him with her, but put that aside, imagine yourself in the future with the man that hugs you when he comes home from work just because he wants to. The man that rubs your back when you have period pains, the man that loves you and respects you.
Staying for the children does't work, and in the long term they will understand.
Your new life starts here, you can be a happy independent woman. Look for a part time job, helps with confidence and independence. Take this chance, you deserve it. You have given him his chances and he doesn't deserve any more. Beware of him trying to mainlulate the kids in order to control you, possibly what happened last time? Don't take anything at face value, get mad with him. He's a shit, you are worth so much more.

We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will

sweetheart, having to handle your upset and this guilt about your DD is so hard

he broke your vows and you MUST stop beating yourself up about her upset. Its not your fault, all you can do is ask him to partner with you to make it easier for her , and them.

where MN will help is helping you develop a strong and assertive attitude over this.

he has cheated, HE is in the wrong and he will try and gaslight you to take the blame but its bullshit

if you can stand there, and stay consistent- and civil but NOT let him blame you- it will maybe make the next few weeks easier

Even though I'm miserable much of the time I'm around him I still can't bear the thought of him living happily ever after with someone else

I can guarantee you he wont be riding off into the sunset OP, he drionks heavily and that's not the sign og a happy man

Focus on yourself, you said last time you split you managed to address your PND! FOCUS ON YOURSELF

GOOD LUCK, FUCKING TOUGH TIMES

you can get though xmas, its 1 day (shit timing though)

He'll be home any minute to talk

personally fuck talking, you don't have to do shit. say you are too tired to have a sensible conversation, tell him to feck right off and let you have some rest

I didn't want to read and run but handholding like everyone else. I wouldn't talk with him, get your ducks in a row and collect paperwork while you can. You are not to blame! Don't feel guilty that he couldn't keep his dick in his pants, he broke that promise not you! You will find happiness again and it'll be so much better with someone who can show emotions and feelings towards you. Your husband could've spent that 6mths putting energy into your relationship rather than OW. He checked out a long time ago. Grieve for the lost relationship and the future you won't have with him but also look towards the future and the new you you'll find again. It will probably be a good thing to have some counselling to help but don't feel guilty you've done nothing wrong xx