There's such a long back story to our marriage - been together just over 20yrs, married for 13.5yrs. 4 DCs.
Things been rocky for a number of years and we did actually split for 7 months just over 3yrs ago. During that time separated I got myself lots of help for the PND that I'd been suffering from for years and became a new person. DH evaluated himself too and said he could see his faults and promised to work on them if there was a chance of us getting back together. Also, our youngest daughter who was 5 at the time really struggled to cope with our split. She was hysterical whenever DH dropped her back home after his weekend of having the DCs, to the point he literally had to drag her out of his house and into mine. I tried to get her counselling but neither the school or the GP could arrange it, lack of services in our area apparently.
Anyway, the guilt over how it was affecting DD coupled with the fact that our time apart had made us realise that we did indeed have something good worth trying again for meant we gave our marriage another shot.
DH moved back in, things were really good for a few months but then they began to slip. DH started drinking heavily again (always a big issue between us) blaming the stress of work as usual. We totally by accident ended up seeing a house to buy that we fell head over heels in love with. We weren't looking to move even but decided it would be a fresh start and a forever home for us. The purchase was far from plain sailing due to various legal issues and to cut a long story short we only moved in in May this year, 14 months after actually buying it. The legal issues still haven't been resolved and we are under huge financial strain because of it. DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM so the pressure to keep up with the horrendous costs is all on him. I totally understand this and have been fully supportive.
Due to the stress of the past 2yrs things have become bad between us again. We don't have sex, we barely talk and although we have periods of things being good between us most of the time we just co-exist in the same house. It can be horrible and so lonely. DH doesn't do emotions or affection in any shape or form, he can with the kids but not me. He accepts this as a fault of his and claims that's just who he is. It leads to resentment on my part and I find it hard to be physically attracted to someone who makes no effort with me at other times.
For the past few weeks I've noticed he's been careful with his phone. Little things like if it's on charge in the kitchen for example, a room that I'm usually in, he will put it on flight mode so new messages can't come in. I can hear it buzzing at other times to show he has a message and he hates texting, really uses it as a last resort kind of communication. I've suspected he's talking to another woman. Tonight he fell asleep whilst putting youngest DC to bed and I went to wake him up. I saw his phone on the side and picked it up to give to him and as I moved it the screen lit up and there was a message - I couldn't see what it said but there were lots of ..... in the paragraph and emoticons. Believe me, none of his mates would send a message with content like that, not their style at all.
So I pulled him up on it, told him I knew it was from a woman and, to cut a very long night indeed short, I have finally had most of the truth out of him. Yes he's been in contact with a woman he met through work. It's been going on 6 months. They've had sex at least once that I know of (he's still not telling me everything I'm sure, he says he doesn't want to keep hurting me but the not knowing is making it harder) which he admitted happened when he'd spent a night at a hotel with her.
I'm devastated. He keeps telling me our marriage was all but over, I've withheld sex from him so what did I expect, he was weak and couldn't help it...all the standard stuff. I've been out for a drive on my own where I spent an hour driving down dark country lanes screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate him and he's a cunt. I've cried til I have no tears left. I haven't slept at all. I just don't know what to do now. We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will. I know we're over, but I don't want us to be. I know our marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested going to relate during the summer but he brushed it off...of course he was shagging her at that point. He says he doesn't want to be with her, she's married too (pair of charmers aren't they?). I was hoping that after getting the shit with the house sorted next year we could concentrate our efforts on getting us back on track, I've already booked a break away for just the two of us next summer. Not enough I know but the intention is there, just mixed up in all the stress I suppose. I know I'm not blameless in this and have accepted that when talking with him tonight although I still don't think it excuses what he's done. I know DD will never cope with this break up. Added to that we still are living in a house we legally aren't allowed to live in.
Sorry this is so long and probably incoherent. I don't want to drip feed though if I can help it.
What a fucking mess. Please hold my hand.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I caught DH out tonight
CarrieMayBe · 10/11/2016 04:09
aqua he has no right making the subject taboo. no right to say you have to get over it. The only way for you to even imagine getting over it would be for him to respect your feelings and do everything he can to make it up to you, starting by answering every single question as many times as it takes. If it's annoying him, he needs to leave, as it's a sign he hasn't got it and is minimizing. It's a massive betrayal and you can't just sweep it under the carpet. So sorry you're going through it, it hurts so much 
. True, don't make a rash decision but certainly look at what kind of person you want to be with. Probably needs to move out temporarily...x
Alice you're too young to put up with that shit. There are so many other guys out there, don't let him treat you like that, and it's also a bad example for the DC. Same advice, a temporary break from him x
Worried about you Carrie is everything ok?
Giselaw yes I did cut up (some of) his clothes and his one and only coat. And his only footwear apart from his work boots. And?? He has plenty of money, he's very well off, so for the first time in 20yrs he can go and choose his own clothes to replace them can't he instead of making me feel like I'm his mother for having to do it for him. And the only reason I did it for him in the first place is because he would show me up wherever I went by wearing old, tatty or inappropriate things otherwise and he doesn't deny this.
Aqua I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Another victim of a deceitful bastard. I have to say, if I were trying to make a go of things then I would not be letting him go out lots still. Not whilst trying to repair things. If he wanted to do that then he'd be doing it as a single man.
Sorry for the silence from me. I've had bad days and days where it's not been all bad. I really don't know where I stand at the moment. Ever since this all blew up last Weds evening he has begged for forgiveness, promising to change etc etc. Last night we actually had the calmest discussion of this period so far and he admitted he doesn't know what he wants.
This was obviously true from the start (or why else would he have had an affair for 6 months) and I do feel my complete breakdown over this and his subsequent guilt and torment at watching me go through it has played a huge part in him saying up until now that he wants me. Now I'm calmer(ish) it's like he's took a step back and can see the woods for the trees.
Trouble is, for the past 9 days I've thought it was me who had to make a decision. I thought I knew what he wanted so it was down to me to decide whether to try again or give up. Now it's all been thrown in the air and I'm bewildered, even more hurt and just do not know what to do. I can not sit around and wait for his decision, wtf even gives him the right to do that? I've told him I want to wake up tomorrow morning knowing what I have to face, him leaving for good or him agreeing to try at this marriage.
Is that wrong to push him to an answer? What if he makes a hasty one because I've pressured him into it and he doesn't want to leave me hanging so fucks off?
He's messing with my head I fear 
Sorry Aqua I realised its Alice who is putting up with him going out all the time. Same response though, I would not tolerate it. I'm sorry he's done this to you too Alice
This reply has been deleted
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Sending you a big, warm, cuddly hug Carrie 
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling crushed by what you perceive as the OW's 'good looks'.
It's worse when you already have low self esteem. I've been there and thankfully i'm doing a lot better than i thought.
It doesn't matter how good looking a woman is - if a man wants to play away from home he will do it.
There's a guy at my workplace like this. Flirts heavily with certain female colleagues at work, uses team nights out and 'training courses' as cover - that way it looks like he 'doesn't have time/opportunity' to shag other women - but he does.
I've not met his gf, but according to colleagues she is young, gorgeous and her family are loaded....and though he says he's 'very happy' with her he still constantly cheats on her.
He's using her for his own selfish ends whilst he gets his actual kicks elsewhere 
I'm not happy that another woman is being treated this way, but it does make me feel better to know that it is no reflection on me if/when the next guy cheats on me.
Carrie you need some support in the form of counselling. Really. Please see your GP as soon as possible. Again, Relate or some kind of counselling together would help you both get through this (I don't mean stay together) you need help to get the children through this mess apart from anything else.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.