I caught DH out tonight

[CarrieMayBe]

There's such a long back story to our marriage - been together just over 20yrs, married for 13.5yrs. 4 DCs.

Things been rocky for a number of years and we did actually split for 7 months just over 3yrs ago. During that time separated I got myself lots of help for the PND that I'd been suffering from for years and became a new person. DH evaluated himself too and said he could see his faults and promised to work on them if there was a chance of us getting back together. Also, our youngest daughter who was 5 at the time really struggled to cope with our split. She was hysterical whenever DH dropped her back home after his weekend of having the DCs, to the point he literally had to drag her out of his house and into mine. I tried to get her counselling but neither the school or the GP could arrange it, lack of services in our area apparently.

Anyway, the guilt over how it was affecting DD coupled with the fact that our time apart had made us realise that we did indeed have something good worth trying again for meant we gave our marriage another shot.

DH moved back in, things were really good for a few months but then they began to slip. DH started drinking heavily again (always a big issue between us) blaming the stress of work as usual. We totally by accident ended up seeing a house to buy that we fell head over heels in love with. We weren't looking to move even but decided it would be a fresh start and a forever home for us. The purchase was far from plain sailing due to various legal issues and to cut a long story short we only moved in in May this year, 14 months after actually buying it. The legal issues still haven't been resolved and we are under huge financial strain because of it. DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM so the pressure to keep up with the horrendous costs is all on him. I totally understand this and have been fully supportive.

Due to the stress of the past 2yrs things have become bad between us again. We don't have sex, we barely talk and although we have periods of things being good between us most of the time we just co-exist in the same house. It can be horrible and so lonely. DH doesn't do emotions or affection in any shape or form, he can with the kids but not me. He accepts this as a fault of his and claims that's just who he is. It leads to resentment on my part and I find it hard to be physically attracted to someone who makes no effort with me at other times.

For the past few weeks I've noticed he's been careful with his phone. Little things like if it's on charge in the kitchen for example, a room that I'm usually in, he will put it on flight mode so new messages can't come in. I can hear it buzzing at other times to show he has a message and he hates texting, really uses it as a last resort kind of communication. I've suspected he's talking to another woman. Tonight he fell asleep whilst putting youngest DC to bed and I went to wake him up. I saw his phone on the side and picked it up to give to him and as I moved it the screen lit up and there was a message - I couldn't see what it said but there were lots of ..... in the paragraph and emoticons. Believe me, none of his mates would send a message with content like that, not their style at all.

So I pulled him up on it, told him I knew it was from a woman and, to cut a very long night indeed short, I have finally had most of the truth out of him. Yes he's been in contact with a woman he met through work. It's been going on 6 months. They've had sex at least once that I know of (he's still not telling me everything I'm sure, he says he doesn't want to keep hurting me but the not knowing is making it harder) which he admitted happened when he'd spent a night at a hotel with her.

I'm devastated. He keeps telling me our marriage was all but over, I've withheld sex from him so what did I expect, he was weak and couldn't help it...all the standard stuff. I've been out for a drive on my own where I spent an hour driving down dark country lanes screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate him and he's a cunt. I've cried til I have no tears left. I haven't slept at all. I just don't know what to do now. We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will. I know we're over, but I don't want us to be. I know our marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested going to relate during the summer but he brushed it off...of course he was shagging her at that point. He says he doesn't want to be with her, she's married too (pair of charmers aren't they?). I was hoping that after getting the shit with the house sorted next year we could concentrate our efforts on getting us back on track, I've already booked a break away for just the two of us next summer. Not enough I know but the intention is there, just mixed up in all the stress I suppose. I know I'm not blameless in this and have accepted that when talking with him tonight although I still don't think it excuses what he's done. I know DD will never cope with this break up. Added to that we still are living in a house we legally aren't allowed to live in.

Sorry this is so long and probably incoherent. I don't want to drip feed though if I can help it.

What a fucking mess. Please hold my hand.

[Wallywobbles]

Honestly I think you are in a better situation than him. He will still be an emotionally troubled alcoholic with or without you. Being the ow isn't going to be à walk in the park once his guilt re kids steps up a level. And divorce is long and emotionally consuming. Good luck to them. I predict crash and burn.

[Lotsofponies]

Have another hand to hold. It's not your fault, you don't have to do anything you don't want and you will get through this. You are in shock at the moment, but it will pass little by little, try to keep your fluids up and eat something, even if it's just a yoghurt or a banana, I know I felt like, I was choking with every mouthful.

Be warned, he will try to do everything he can to minimise what he is done and deflect blame, he will be in self defence mode, after who wants to accept that they are a filthy despicable creature, not him. You on the other hand have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep posting and remember there is always someone here for you.

[magoria]

I agree with a PP. This man may have risked your health. You need a complete STI check up.

And so does he. Perhaps then he may realise the damage being 'weak' caused.

How can you stay with a man who deliberately lied to you when you had symptoms of something not quite right and stayed quiet to save himself.

That is unforgivable.

[Okkitokkiunga]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don't stay together for the children. Forgive him if that's what you want but if you can't you won't be bringing them up in the home they deserve. My DH was 8 by the time he realised his parents marriage was not a happy one. They split up when he was 22. He is a loving husband and father but has issues. He did not grow up in a loving marriage/ relationship so is feeling his way through ours. Let your children grow up surrounded by love and not recrimination.

I wish you all the very best and thinking of you.

[Alfiemoon1]

Thinking of u Carrie how did the talking go with your dh ?

[Therealloislane]

Oh Carrie.

He's not worth your tears sweetheart.

[CarrieMayBe]

Well that went well

We talked, I shouted, I cried, he cried. I didn't find out much more than he'd already told me, he said he didn't want to leave me, it all meant nothing with her. Just an ego boost. He was lonely. Still maintains they only actually had sex the once, not that it matters does it? He has deleted her number but that means fuck all as she will still have his and she will contact him won't she?

This is the part I'm so ashamed of myself for: I ended up drinking a lot of vodka. I told him I didn't want him to leave, I did the full 'pick me dance', I led him to bed but I suppose he must have a tiny grain of decency left as he refused to have sex because 'he didn't want to take advantage of me'. I told him we'd make it work and then I drank some more vodka and passed out in bed I couldn't have done a worse job of all this if I'd tried.

Since waking up it has hit me again like a ton of bricks and he is walking on eggshells...trying to be nice to me but saying he doesn't want to suffocate me. I've gone through it all again in my head and I can't even look at him. I can't face the alternative though, my kids were so excited that he had collected them from school today and I can't look them in the eye either.

I don't know what to do. I won't see him at all tomorrow as he is going into work at 4am to catch up on what he missed today. Then he is at his mum's for tea and going to see his ill cousin afterwards for the evening as won't be back until late. I don't know whether that will make the day easier or harder.

I can't thank you all enough for the support, advice and handholding. I feel like I've handled this so badly today, why oh why did I hit the drink? I never drink at home and having not eaten at all it hit me rather quickly.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Don't beat yourself up. You cope how you cope and you are in shock. I'm an alcoholic who, for the first time in a decade, managed to get sober in 2012 and stayed that way for four years. First thing I did in May this year when I found out was to buy vodka. I never believed I'd relapse.

It's alright. I really think you need a couple of days headspace. At this stage, you can talk until you're blue in the face but it won't resolve anything because the pain is so raw. Can he go somewhere else for a while or would that worry you that he's with 'her'? This is the worst bit, honestly. It will never be quite this painful in the coming weeks and months.

[DilapidatedGlamourpuss]

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said but just wanted to say I really feel for you, this is awful. Don't blame yourself for hitting the vodka- you've had a terrible shock. Just remember that you are a good person and you deserve better than to be treated like this

[CarrieMayBe]

Oh Jess I don't blame you at all for reaching straight for the booze, you did so well all those years sober though. Are you still drinking?

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

I've got a handle on it now and go to Addaction but I've still had a couple of wobbles. Fortunately, I'm a few months on from you and the immediate shock has passed. I really do feel for you. It's the betrayal and the being lied to. I honestly suggest some space. I do understand you don't want to upset your children, but if you are trapped in the 'pick me' situation and endless conversations while you are still so raw, it won't help anyone, least of all you.

You WILL be ok, but reach out for as much support as possible. I hid myself away in the first few weeks, and in hindsight, that is when I should have leaned heavily on others.

[CarrieMayBe]

I'm glad you're mostly on top of the alcohol issue, it must be so difficult for you though

I know he needs to leave for a bit. Trouble is, I'm so numb I think I'd just busy myself with the kids and block it all out. If he wasn't here as a reminder I wonder if I'd just be able to pretend this hasn't happened?

I meant to say earlier that I did find out how they met and although I don't know her name or anything I do know where she works and I'm fairly certain she's the only woman working there. Should I go and have a look? I can't handle not having a mental picture of her. DH is very good looking, I can say that even though I want to stab him right now so it's the truth, he really is very attractive. So I'm expecting a stunner so won't be shocked or hurt by what I see. Her boss is a friend and work associate of DH, I don't know him very well but well enough that we'd chat if we passed each other. Could I go in and speak to him? All this is going round and round my head and I can't shut it off

[JerryFerry]

I'm sorry for the intense pain you are experiencing, it's a lot to process and must feel very lonely.

However, your marriage is over, and you need to seek proper, sensible help to face up to this.

GP, counselling (NOT couples'), good, supportive friends, practical help - every avenue possible.

For while it feels impossible now, a split is absolutely do-able, and indeed, the only sensible option.

Your children are not fooled by the charade, they need you to take the lead in releasing you all from this toxic existence.

Once you're out, and living an authentic life, you will realise how much better off you all are.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

I'd try to resist. I found the OW online and predictably, she was younger, skinnier and prettier than me and I obsessed over her for a while. The thing is, none of these OWs have any real power, magic or mystique -if a man is going to cheat, he will take the first available option. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

You say he's very good looking and attractive - did he make you feel the same way? My ex was very good looking, but not affectionate at all and never gave me a compliment, making me feel 'lucky' to have him. Didn't exactly do much for my self esteem.

[Goodythreeshoes]

I was completely obsessed about finding out times, dates, details - so much so that I wasted endless sleepless nights (and cash I couldn't afford) on trying to prove where OH had been on particular weekends/nights away.
It's pointless and I look back and pity the sad, desperate person I was.
I wish I had known that mumsnet existed then because I didn't share my pain with anyone (other than my older DC), not even my sister, and having read the advice given to (countless) betrayed wives since I have discovered the site, I'm sure my life could have taken an entirely different path.
Of course you will be tormented by what may or may not have happened between your H and OW, but try not to get fixated on needing to find out every gory detail. (And chances are he's strung her a line too and she's not the stunner you imagine.)
Don't make my mistake - talk to trusted family and friends. I hope you manage to sleep a little tonight.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

goody Completely agree. I joined MN when it happened but couldn't even bear to start a thread. The obsession with detail is awful - I wanted to know everything, but as each new 'truth' came in (and they're still coming!) the agony was exacerbated. Try not to scratch that itch, carrie, it only keeps the wound open. Hope you get some sleep. We'll all be here in the morning.

[CarrieMayBe]

Jerry some blunt advice there. Stopped me in my tracks if I'm honest but that's because deep down I know you're right. Thank you.

Goody he has always told me I'm beautiful, I'm low on self esteem and have never believed him when he's said it though. After 4 DCs I have some major body issues but he has always said they don't matter to him. The compliments have completely stopped of late though, noticeably so as when I had a night out a few weeks ago whereas he'd normally tell me I looked great he just kept his head down as I walked to the door.

I told him this morning that I can't do this, I had 4hrs sleep last night as I couldn't switch my brain off. I'm going over and over the two nights I know they've seen each other for definite, worked out what we did during the day before we went out, tried to remember what he was like when he came back. I'm torturing myself. He says he is so sorry but can't take away what's in my head, he says he'll leave the decision as to what to do up to me but part of me wants him to make that decision. Why should it be me?

I've got a name out of him, I'm not convinced he's telling the truth. I'm going to ring the company she works for today and just ask for her, I'll hang up before speaking to we but I need to know whether he's told me her real name or if she really does work where he says she does. This isn't just curiosity - if she does work there I need to know going forward as he has so much contact with that firm and mostly it would be through her. I know what you're saying is right Jess but this is something I need to do.

[Naicehamshop]

I feel for you.

I don't have much advice except to say that I think you would be better off asking him to leave, even just temporarily. This would put you back in control of the situation and I think this could help quite a bit.

Good luck. You deserve more than this, but I'm sure you know that.

[faffalotty]

Carrie - you're taking this just like I did. I hit the vodka too on finding out (and I don't drink at all) and I also experienced hysterical bonding which just messes with your mind even more. I also had to find out about the OW(s) - not in person but on social media. You think you need to know, but it's self-destructive behaviour which can become obsessive and hard to stop.

Have you spoken to a RL friend? Would really help to have someone who knows you and can give you support.

[adora1]

He needs to be gone and whilst gone you can still see him, he can still do child care etc and during the separation HE needs to address:

1. his excessive drinking
2. his infidelity

These are his issues, not yours and if I was you he'd not be under my roof until these were both explored and a solution found, I am afraid there is no way I believe sex happened just the once, it just does not work like that if you are seeing someone new, esp in six months which I would assume is also longer, I am afraid he is lying and until he comes clean and tell you all yous won't be able to move past it.

This is all down to him, there is nothing you should reproach yourself for and there is nothing you can do to fix things.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I honestly would try not to waste time finding out about this OW. I'm sure I'd be obsessed too, but it's pointless. That's all time you could be spending on working on useful stuff for YOU. Like, finding out where you stand financially, what to do about the house, Tax Credits, etc.

It sounds like your marriage died a long time ago but neither of you could bear to admit it.

Carrie you say in your op that when you separated for 7 months, you became a new person. I think that is very, very significant. You are in shock right now and terribly hurt and frightened. But remember that new person

^ This, 100%. You'll get through this and you will end up SO much happier than you would if you stayed with an unhappy, miserable, heavy-drinking man who has shagged someone else.

When you accept the marriage is over, it will hurt you like mad, but it will be the start of the healing process and the beginning of the second part of your life. You can get to the stage when you are happy co-parents. You can get to the stage when you look at him with some fondness, but nothing more. It takes time, but not as much as you think. Remember, last time it took less than a year, just 7 months.

Where would you like to be in 7 months' time from today? Please start moving towards that.

[CarrieMayBe]

Thank you everyone.

I called MIL this morning, we get on very well and we had a long chat. She is so angry with DH, his father did the same to her and whilst she ended up marrying someone far better and has been very happy ever since, she knows exactly what I'm going through and was very supportive.

I've also done bad things. I emailed DH's mate that the OW works for. Turns out I misheard DH and she doesn't work for him, she works for a friend of his. He told me he knew nothing about their affair and was as shocked and as disappointed as I was. Pointless exercise really but I was lashing out.

I asked DH to call OW in front of me and finish it - I cannot get my head around him not having ended things yet. He claims he wants to stay with me yet thinks just not contacting her will be enough as she hasn't contacted him yet either. I think this is bollocks and that he's just keeping things open ended for obvious reasons. He refused to call her in front of me. Flat refused but wouldn't really give any reasons other than that I may kick off when on the phone. So what? I can't physically hurt her. We ended up having another screaming match, I tried to get the car keys so I could get away and he took them off me. It all got very physical, me that is not him, and I ended up in a massive panic arrack state where I occult the breathe and was lying on the kitchen floor. He started to call the police and then stopped but the call must've been connected as they're on they're way round This is no way to behave and I need to get a grip. I can't believe it has got to this. He needs to leave.

[adora1]

Oh please get angry OP and kick his arse out today, he's taking the complete piss out of you fgs, he has you running about like a headless chicken trying to find the truth, just tell him to fuck off and don't talk to him until he is ready to be honest and open with you.

Yes he needs gone now!

[CarrieMayBe]

Police been, all good, they're satisfied we're both safe and well. I've never been so ashamed. Thank god we don't have any neighbours.

They made him leave the house when they did, unfortunately he's only gone to collect the kids from school and will be back. This has to stop though because I was like a thing possessed. All the anger just came crashing out and I'm exhausted now. Luckily we'd never even begin to have an sort of discussion about this when the children are here so at least I can protect them from some of the shit. I need to protect myself though and make him go. Can't see MIL putting him up though, he's going to get it both barrels when she sees him.

[MatildaTheCat]

You MUST ask him to leave for now, at least. I'm sure MIL would take him if you asked her and if he gets a bloody hard time, boo hoo.

This environment is doing you no good at all. Give yourself a breather and surround yourself with RL support. Have you told a friend yet? Get support and get him away. Please.