Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Oh, I haven't sent HJM a xmas card - yet.

Oh Purple - what an absolute wanker. I concur with Dusters 100% although it leaves it open for him not to be there on those dates and messing up your Xmas some more. I guess you need to draw a line in the sand though?

Quote of the thread though:
Sorry to hear these tossers continue to toss Adore this!!

Thanks dusters and laugh. I am beyond angry. Which means he has succeeded as well I suppose. I can't tell you how many Christmases he has completely fucked up. Last year I offered him access repeatedly right up to Xmas eve and he totally refused to comment - then started texting me the 'please let me see my DC's, just for 5 mins, how can you do this to me?' at lunchtime on Christmas Day. He really has some serious mental health issues. Problem is he turns on the tears so convincingly, he is a master at getting sympathy and people think I am a bitch for not letting him see the kids!! And I feel like a bitch too but what more can I do?

He asked to speak to my DS this week (who has refused to see him or speak for weeks now). My 12 year old DS replied 'No, I don't want to talk to him, because he is a dick!' I wouldn't normally encourage that kind of language but I was stuck for words - you can't knock the kid's perception skills!

Told WN exactly what his reply was, word for word.

Dusters get that card sent pronto. Nothing to lose!

What was the reference on here to Gingerbread? Did someone recommend it? I have been thinking I need some rl single parent contacts, is that the best way do we know? still drinking here..

Oh god he sounds like a drama queen of the highest order Purple. Does he actually turn on the waterworks? Do you want to laugh? He must have bypassed the self-respect gene!

It's hard that your DS has drawn the (correct) conclusion about WN. But as we keep saying, much healthier than some messed up charade of a disney dad whose bad behaviour is constantly excused. I wonder what these men think when they have a dollop of reality served up to them by us/the dc? I suspect they think we've just brainwashed them, or we/they are lying. Deep down it must make them think though.

I've bought my ds a pair of much coveted trainers for xmas. He kissed them goodbye tonight before I send them off to Santa! Can't tell you how excited he is. He said it was just as well I'd bought them, as there's a pair he keeps seeing with his dad. But dad always says I'm not having a child of mine walking around in shoes like that. What a prat. I can't imagine they're obscene, or 5 inch heels, just probably a bit trendy and blinged up. He'll never witness our son being so joyful over a pair of shoes - because it's not what he wants. T.w.a.t.

I think somebody recommended Gingerbread to Greencar , can't remember who though. Think it was over the weekend.

Will try and pluck up the courage to send a xmas card to you-know-who. I owe him some money, but don't know how much, so could put this as a note in the card. I've lost my dating/relationship mojo !!! Is it any wonder given my posts over the past few days I'm either rescuing men who turn out to be sociopaths or immature mummy's boys. Or I attract sleaze bags who'd I rather saw my own leg off than have anything to do with!

Morning all, Xmas is such a stressful time of year,
Purple your WN sounds like such a selfish twat. I am both sad and glad that I am not the only one who dreads dealing with a WN over Xmas plans.

I am sticking to my offer of him having the girls this Sunday morning (which he hasn't taken me up on anyway) and not allowing an overnight stay, especially so soon after the refusing to drop them back incident. His threat of court has rattled me slightly but I am ignoring it for now (thanks CBT counselling!).

We leave for our hol next Weds and I am on tenterhooks now until we leave. I know to expect a crappy argumentative text message before then so I am slightly anxious during this period of calm.

It's been 2 weeks since he spoke to the children, they've not spoken since he saw them last. But he will be all Dad of the Year and crying that he can't see them at Christmas even though he will do nothing with them and won't let them know what plans are, etc. He definitely knows we are going away and so it's unnerving that he hasn't flown off the handle yet. I feel like his hold and emotional abuse continues even though it's been nearly two years since I left him.

Dusters the trainers sound great, these little moments of pure happiness that our children experience are just so precious! The twats don't know what they are missing out on.

StopLaughing we also have Xmas nativity play at school, 4yo is playing the Angel Gabriel. The older two also played the same role so I'm really pleased I'll get pics of all three doing it. Reeeeally looking forward to it, it's so sweet to watch them all. WN will of course not attend and will have no idea it's happening at all

Namechange good for you on staying strong about the weekend. He's shown he can't be trusted. I can't imagine (as nor could you) not speaking to my dc for 2 weeks. Makes the upcoming crocodile tears all the more ridiculous and infuriating. But, as you say, he won't be sharing in the pleasure of dc 3 as , and won't be enjoying your holiday away. I'm sure you're right that he'll have to send a stroppy text just before you go - I mean how dare you enjoy yourself without him

Hi all, I mentioned the Gingerbread group. I joined as some interesting things online. I didn't join a group as my nearest a distance away, but saw lots of dots on UK map so may have group near you purple.

Man I'm dating came back after time with family and things still good. He has asked about WN and can't understand him. He has 50:50 childcare and misses DC when not with them. He has some issues, but honest about them so not hidden weirdness.

Name I hope you get through Sunday morning with no dramas. How lovely to have such a fab holiday to look forward to.

Thanks for GB info lilac it's a bit daunting to me like OLD! But I need to jump in I think. Your DP sounds great, honesty; all that matters to me. Issues can be conquered, but you need to know about them first!

Purple OLD is a numbers game, I think. I did research before joining and found it's good to imagine around half the men are in a relationship. A quater are looking for lots of ONS. Of the quater left pretty much all think they're genuine but either had issues that led to previous relationship breakdown or were with someone with issues, or both. Some aren't really 'over' it enough to start properly again. So start cynically to stop over-investing in one or two profiles.

The only way to get to meet real potentials is to write to lots of them and ask important questions early on. Meeting early is terrifying but only way to know if what they say matches body language and if there's chemistry.

The writing bit can be fun. There's no commitment, it can be fitted in when DCs in bed.

Then another reality, I saw a man from OLD in summer for few months and liked him, but it didn't last. On reflection he was a regular bloke and I'm more laid-back in new relationship from having more normal experience. Don't forget my egg-on-bread date too, also I had a Mr I like you- I don't like you (showed WN tendencies). I did have two more regular sounding men that I was writing to, so there are some opportunities out there.

Dusters please do send a card. Maybe nothing will happen, but he sounds relatively normal and you like each other, which is a great start. Don't let the weird men put you off.

Name you are inspirational arranging a holiday when WN being a real pain. I bet your DDs and you will feel much better having a well earned break.

Your man sounds great Lilac, so pleased it's going in the right direction. I love your assessment of OLD, from what I've heard from others it sounds spot on. I guess it's the old saying about kissing a lot of frogs first - or having egg on toast with them anyway!

There's a very slim chance I'll see HJM today. If not, I'll write the card and note tonight and drop it round tomorrow. I cannot shake the idea that I'm crap when it comes to men, so I'm thinking either he will be nuts, or he'll think why the hell is she sending me a xmas card? I'm normally pretty decisive and just get on with things, so this situation is annoying me (or rather I'm annoying myself - and probably all of you!!)

Hello.
Definitely send the Xmas card DUSTERS .
I tried a bit of old but it's a bit too soon I think for me .i do only seem to get replies from some odd sounding people!

PURPLE- what did you say to ds about w/n? I guess his assessment is completely correct.
My ds is only 4 but already know that X doesn't listen to his wishes & they only ever do what X wants, so ds doesn't bother to ask any more!
Amazing how perceptive dc's can be.

NAME; I missed that you are going on holiday. Oooooh that sounds lovely. With all the crap from w/n I guess it'll be a nice break- I hope it is at least.
I've just received yet another email from X so going to read... Then probably come back here to rant/vent

Hope the email isn't too awful 2012. Remember: read, breathe, swear, post on here before replying !

I like how your DS didn't mince his words Purple!

Definitely send the Xmas card dusters

to all, I've been too tired to keep up much (and too hungover all weekend... ) but hope everyone will have a good week this week - we all deserve some good karma for sure! (I've got mine, landlord is giving us another two months rent-free because the house isn't completely sorted yet. Best. Landlord. Ever.)

Thanks DUSTERS.
email is full of usual rubbish.
X now state they have a Job AND a place to live with a room for ds to stay - in new country! But no mention of where, how or what!
Has given a list of dates I'm to make ds available and X is going to take ds at Easter, and two separate weeks at summer (1 week there, back for one week then back to X again!!!!!? )
As for when X comes to uk. X is staying with friends so will come on the Saturday & just take ds out for the day "so to not upset /disrupt ds too much". WTF?
I'm posting here so I don't explode.
The whole tone is - what I am supposed to do to make sure X gets ds when they want.
It's taken half of my day off to de tangle myself from the emotional shit. I hate that.

2012 I'm not completely sure how you feel, but from post think it's similar to me, but I would not in any circumstances want my ex to take DCs to a foreign country where he and family lived. If you went to court and said no I would hope that they would back you. Yes to him visiting when in this country, but sending DCs abroad (as you say, how?) just doesn't feel right. Is it a country that would ensure he comes back?

Sorry if this sounds dramatic, I don't know country / logistics.

LILAC - you are right. I REALLY DO NOT want ds being taken to said country with X [scared]
I've taken legal advice today which has said that X can't take ds out of the country without my consent. If X does then it will be abduction .
And that I have a good case for saying No due to safety concerns for ds.
I have a sinking feeling tho that this is the start of something awful. I can't imagine X will take the no quietly.
What do others do?
Anyone with an X abroad?
Can anyone successfully co parent with someone who lives abroad?

How is everyone?

Exh picked dd up from school today and is, again, refusing to let her come home/answer his phone. Fucking a hole.

Seriously- why can't these people put children first?? I think dd is probably scared, she seems to have been every time she's there. Not helped by him trying to get dd to call his new (19 year old) gf mum 😳😳😳

Oh KATE how horrible for you all

2012 I can't co-parent with someone who lives 15 minutes away so god knows how you do it when they're a plane journey away. I doubt you really can. Even if they skyped, texted, phoned, wrote and visited when they could, they can't actively be a day to day parent. At best they can be an interested dad who visits in small blocks of time. But hey, his decision.

I suspect you're right that this is the beginning of a bit of a battle. Your genuine and well-founded concerns for your ds's safety, well being and routine as against his sense of entitlement to have ds delivered to him when it suits him. I suppose he'd like him abroad with him as his family will do the day-to-day looking after? And why would he only see him on a Saturday when he's here? So he can socialise with the friends he's staying with? He can't move abroad and then worry about disrupting your ds. I think it would be more disruptive to say dad's coming home for a week, but he's only seeing you saturday.

Kate what are you going to do? I see from your previous posts that he's taken her before for weeks at a time. Did the courts still allow unsupervised access after this had happened?

Nats for your lovely landlord, but I'm afraid only a for you as it sounds like you've been naughty