Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

I don't know what to say Purple. It's like reading a different language, it just doesn't make sense. I had a quick skim back over the other thread to remind myself of what had led to this. Just unbelievable.

So basically the contact arrangements have been made up by the judges. As a result your ds will now have no (or next to no) contact with his birth father or his family? And your dc will not be staying over together as a unit with your ex?

What on earth does the fact of you wanting "overall contact" have to do with your ds being treated roughly by your ex? Are the courts really saying that as you want him to have a relationship with his dad, they are turning a blind eye to that behaviour? Even typing that it doesn't make sense.

In hindsight yes, you should have hung the bastard out to dry. Why did you try and be nice? Simple. Because you are nice, and not a bastard.

Rage away Purple. I'm surprised you can even put a sentence together.

As for the parenting skills of WN 1. He sounds like the definition of an absent father, so his opinion is utterly worthless. He's desperate to try and claw back some respectability by throwing mud at you.

WN 2. He knows that your ds has come home from his terribly upset because of HIM, not you. He knows ds has texted you about how he feels about his dad. He knows he's phoned you, tearful, asking to come home. Even if every court in the land is ignorant of those events you aren't - and WN knows it. He can't change it, erase it - he has to live with it.

You said in an earlier post that you may consider moving to get away from him. I believe within the same country it's called an internal relocation. You don't have to prove why you should be able to move away, your ex would have to go to court to prove why you should be made to stay. My understanding is that the court very rarely compels a mother to stay.

Oh Purple I'm so sorry court went so badly, its a disgrace. Wish I had some advice to give you but I'm stumped. Just keep loving your children and showing them that they have one parent that loves and truly cares about them.

Morning Purple Hope you got some sleep last night, and that your ds is ok. At least today you don't have to breathe the same air as WN x 2. Take it easy.

Morning purple. What a load of bollocks that is, such an unfair outcome! Horrible. for you and DS.

How is everyone today? DS spoke to WN on the phone last night. He was telling him 'it's your daddy' and he just doesn't understand, he just kept laughing and saying 'nooooo you're not'

Seems to be a bit of a stalemate now until I see solicitor. Don't know whether to allow him a visit in the meantime or not?

Had a talk with DP last night, didn't realise how much this is all getting to him. He's worried for DS and I, in particular my mental health. He's seen how much progress I've made since WN sroooed contacting, and now he's seen me crumble back to square one.

Morning purple. What a load of bollocks that is, such an unfair outcome! Horrible. for you and DS.

How is everyone today? DS spoke to WN on the phone last night. He was telling him 'it's your daddy' and he just doesn't understand, he just kept laughing and saying 'nooooo you're not'

Seems to be a bit of a stalemate now until I see solicitor. Don't know whether to allow him a visit in the meantime or not?

Had a talk with DP last night, didn't realise how much this is all getting to him. He's worried for DS and I, in particular my mental health. He's seen how much progress I've made since WN sroooed contacting, and now he's seen me crumble back to square one.

Ohb just off out, but I think allowing a visit would be ill advised at the moment. He's crashed back into your life. Stay in control, do what's best for you and ds. Don't think of your ex's feelings, he's not thinking of yours. He is not your friend. You owe him nothing.

Remember what Purple said in her post - why did I try and be nice.

Don't allow a visit yet Ohb keep going about it in the sensible way you are doing.

I know you're right. I just keep thinking about what I would want him to do if the situation was reversed. Then remembered I wouldn't, couldn't go that long without seeing my DS!

He's off at nursery now then at his grandmas until later. Just taking some time for myself at the minute then going to try get back some sort of normality! The house is a bomb site and so is my bloody appearance

Good idea Ohb take some time for yourself. I know it's hard not to be a normal kind person in these circumstances, your basic instincts tell you to be fair etc. But, you're dealing with people who don't think like you.

Let's just say he's really changed. This is what I would expect. He'd write to you. He wouldn't phone, given your past, because he knows it would upset you and catch you off balance. He'd apologise for his past behaviour, and explain his 12 months absence from his ds's life. He'd also tell you why he was getting back in touch at this moment.

The promise to do anything to have a relationship with his ds would include something about financial maintenance, not an immediate refusal to pay anything. He would acknowledge the last offer of supervised contact, and say could this be a starting point.

What he's actually done is phone you out of the blue, phone you again when you've already said when you'll get back to him, and refuse to contribute financially.

You are in control, never forget that.

Oh Purple.

How does the current order look?
Is there any chance of appeal?

Cry, scream, rant to us.

OHB

He'd also be willing to go along with any reasonable offers you made, get himself into therapy and listen to you if you pointed out his failings.

But I'm not in control, I've never felt less in control of my own life. If he takes me to court I will lose my DD to him.

I can't move on he will always be in my life. Always like a dark cloud hanging over me. I don't know how much longer in this situation I can take. I can't do anything with my life because it's always going to be controlled by him he will always have my beautiful boy to use against me. Always. Nothing will change that. No amount of me trying to be stubborn and making it worse for myself is going to change that.

Just for some light hearted relief. Haven't heard from Mr H J, but my phone rang just now, only once, local number that I didn't know ! The person I know that he does some work for did say he comes over as and when, he's quite casual, so perhaps he'll just turn up this afternoon

If I don't hear from him at all I shall only accept alien abduction or a near death experience as a reasonable excuse. Right, judgey pants duly pulled up, back to work.

My DS not DD stupid iPhone keyboard.

Oh Ohb

Why is he in control? Your ds lives with you, he has deserted him. You are in a stable relationship, considering having another child. He is a violent aggressive bully. You have proof of this. Third parties have proof of his behaviour.

Why would a court look at you, then him, and decide that your ds would be better off with him and not you? This is the mind f**k he has done on you. Yes, he'll always be his dad, but he's crap, and he walked away. You'll always be his mum, and you're fab, and you've always been there.

He can be a shadow, a nuisance, an annoyance, a right royal pain in the arse, but you can still be in control of your own life. Try not to catastrophise, it spins things out of control in your mind. Look at what actually is, not what you are scrolling forward and thinking will happen.

You are safe, loved, you have your son. So today is good.

OhB

Can you list the reasons here why you think you are going to lose your DD to him?

He is in control because he knows he has a right to see DS, and he knows the only way he can get to me is through him.

I fear the courts will give him unsupervised access and he will refuse to return my DS, or that he will fill his head full of crap and turn him against me.

All I want to do is sit in bed and sob, he's got my life once again. Everything was damn perfect.

He will have my DS however many days a week, and if I have another child DS will feel like I'm replacing him because he's getting packed off to his dads whilst I'm with a new baby.

Hi there everyone

Really sorry to butt in like this, but I saw the thread title and I am so desperate at the moment and don't know what to do. I am hoping for some wise words or a hand hold...or something.

My controlling arse of an ex keeps getting in my headspace, texting me all the time about nonsense - which I ignore. But then he will text about stuff I can't ignore, like the changing of the planned schedule with DC. He cannot (will not) stick to the routine. He is dicking me and DC about. I have taken the hard stance, and said if he doesn't stick to the routine he simply will not see DC, and for the most part, this has worked.

But he still continues to text trying to change things. I say no, and he rants for a bit, then he does the right thing (sticks to the routine) - but this pattern is relentless, every week, and it is wearing me out.

He uses an accusatory tone when DD is sick, or have dry lips, or whatever - like it is my fault and I am a bad mother.

He uses derogatory language when describing the DC, it makes my blood boil.

My DD cried and said she didn't want to go to daddy's anymore as he hits her on the bum (this could be a fib, she is 4)

I wrote out a long email just now, pointing out all the times and dates he has dicked us about. I said he needed to make a decision about midweek visits and stick to it, or else I would take midweek visits off the table. I asked him not to use derogatory language when talking about DD.

I haven;t sent it. yet.

Oh god, I am ranting so sorry

Hi Staple looks like you've found the right thread, but sorry you have to be here with us . Rant away !

I'm just off out but didn't want to leave your post unacknowledged. Other people will be along soon who I know can give you great advice.

OhB

In a nutshell: you are wrong.

Unless you have been unreasonable withholding contact you are not going to lose your DD.

The solicitor you have, do the PDA Tustin DV cases? If not get one that does because that is always helpful.

Bottom line: the courts prefer to roughly maintain the status quo unless that is demonstratbly detrimental to the child in question.

It IS daunting and frightening but you have got to pull up your big girl pants and stand your ground. As long as you are being reasonable you have nothing to fear

I have never withheld contact, he admits that himself. He was offered contact back in may and only now has he chosen to get in touch (despite being told by my solicitor he must contact through them)

Ohb I agree with Frog. Your last post demonstrates yet another request that he has ignored. Supposed to contact you through the solicitor, he hasn't, he's gone direct. Keep a detailed diary of all this, it will build a picture of the kind of man/father he is. Remember, you'll be accustomed to thinking some of it is normal, but don't, record everything.

Staple It sounds like you're doing the right thing as regards your ex. Ignoring the rubbish, refusing to make changes just so he can mess you around, giving him an ultimatum when necessary.

I like the idea of the email. It lets him see (and anybody else should you need it in future) how difficult he is being. Children need their routine, and you're quite right to remove the mid week visits if he carries on as he is. You're giving him fair warning, what else does he expect.

Does he use derogatory language about your dc in front of them, or just to you ? What's the context? Also, what's your position on smacking, is this something your ex knows you would be uncomfortable with?

Found you all. Sorry been so busy.
And like LILAC, had date number 3 - going well so date number 4 is booked.

Staple, go back through your email and reduce all the emotions. Every single one. So the email is purely Fact. Fact. Fact.
Dates, times, locations.

He isn't worth the effort because he can't process the emotional side of it.
By all means write it to feel some relief but maybe don't send it.
And if you only send facts, then he can't retaliate.

Purple sorry its a bad time.

Hello everyone else. Still need to update my contact with police - apologies. Will do, been so busy at work.

Hi Dung was wondering how things were going. Good to see it's up to date no. 4