Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Balls - it was Nat with the other loser bloke. Although I'm sure Lilac has some tales too...

Evening everyone. It never ceases to amaze me that some men can be/become so detached from their dc. I was at my dc's school play last week. Across the aisle was my friend's exH. beaming away, everyone (who doesn't know my friend) thinks he's charm on a stick. I know his new life revolves around his new GF, her dc, and his dc have to fit in with him. He's difficult about money and quite heartless. I can't bear to speak to him anymore.

Apologies for not posting as much as usual. I don't know why but my friend's BF coming on to me has really knocked me for six. My nature is to be open and friendly, but now I'm wondering how this comes across. He texted me again this afternoon, I didn't see it 'till just now, telling me he still had a terrible hangover! I assume he's trying the "Oh I was so drunk" line. I texted back a pair of dark glasses, whereas I actually wanted to text "f**k off". I'm cross that I even responded.

I don't want to work for him anymore. I have a good reason not to (other than he's a sleazy cheating bastard) but his GF will wonder why. I don't want to risk being on my own with him. I'm so bloody furious.

Dusters - it's not you, it's all him. I'd have been so tempted with the Fuck Off too but you're clearly a better person than that. I would just ignore him completely if I was you - and ignore any work stuff as well unless it benefits you - as it doesn't seem to me that he realises just how hideously sleazy he was being.

Either that, or next time - don't hold back, he deserves it from both barrels!

Stoplaughing no probs and yes I most definitely do. At the moment, however, I'm dating someone who seems normal, i.e. single, likes me and doesn't want to control me. Normality makes a refreshing change for me.

Dusters to second Stoplaughing this wasn't your fault. Unless you actually said something along the lines of "I really fancy you, ignore my friend and we can run off into the night" then how could this be down to you?
I smile and chat with men I work with. I don't get drunk / non-drunk suggestive messages from them as they're not sleezy bastards.

Definitely not down to you dusters could you maybe ignore all things un-work related with him? So no responding to his drunk/hungover texts and only communicate about work stuff? That might get the hint to him that he was way out of line.

dusters I'm pretty sure you come across as exactly that, open and friendly. Not 'hey there, come and cheat on my friend with me'. And even if you were, they still have the option not to cheat.

Strip this right back. A man has behaved badly and yet you are the one wondering if you should change or have done something wrong.

Does that sound familiar? Does is sound right?

To use another scenario, my nature is to use logic and reason. Before I learnt not to, I would attempt to reason with WN. This sometimes led to him being violent to me. Was I the person in the wrong? Should I have had to change my behaviour to avoid his?

And, should I now never attempt to have a normal discussion with anyone ever again in case they hurt me?

Thank you everyone, your kindness has made me feel a bit teary this morning You are all right, why on earth am I questioning myself? Apart from the sleaziness, I think it's the once again thinking somebody was a decent person, and trustworthy, and then being proved wrong. I will just ignore his texts from now on. Also, my dd told me at the weekend that dad isn't really coping with his life, some physical problems (nothing serious) and "what with all that's happened, you know". That made me feel very sad. I knew he'd come to regret his actions, but they were his actions, and as you all said above in relation to Mr Sleazy I can't take responsibility for what others do.

Hope we all have a peaceful Monday.

Thanks everyone.

My partners sister had dd for a sleepover so ex didn't ruin plans! He's obviously gone awol now and won't discuss Christmas, despite having it provisionally planned for five months. He will no doubt appear on christmas eve.

DUSTERS and everything. it isn't you . really.
you are a kind, thoughtful person.
unfortunately some people are just shit and behave badly whatever is going on.
We can't understand it as we are good people.
Horrible people will always come into our lives, i think it's impossible to stop that- what we can do,, is minimise their impact on us, as soon as we realise they are horrible, back away, disengage, get out or what-ever.
I find this bit super hard, as it feels like i'm being horrible and as this is not a natural state, it's difficult to manage... but it's necessary - does that make sense?
I had this with a mum at ds's school.

I thought she was being nice with me, chatting at the park, pick ups, etc. we had actually got as far as the odd coffee at cafe and at each other's houses - but actually the warning signs were there, i just didn’t realise very quickly (i.e. not replying to texts/emails when she'd asked for info, not talking so much about herself, just asking me questions), but I kept chatting away as it was nice to have a mum (our ds’s played well together at the time), to chat to…
She totally shat on me when X & I split up and one day she basically told me how I should be behaving.
I’m actually quite proud that I told her she was being totally out of order and I left the venue saying I didn’t want to shout [at her] in public.
Our mutual friend also told her she was out of order and came to see if I was ok [same lovely new friend who’s helped with X hand-overs], anyway. At the beginning I felt awful. I felt like she was chatting to all the other mum’s, all the other kids were doing play-dates and my ds was missing out etc….. no idea if it was true or not, it’s just how I felt… but I kept “faking it until I made it” with smiles at everyone and a cheery outlook and it is finally starting to feel better.
Sorry for the long story, it was just meant to show a kind of way that we are exposed to horrible people and that we have or can find the means to deal with them effectively. And not let them spoil our lives.
w/n have taken away our belief that we can do good-positive things.
We can do good and positive things and we are making a good life for ourselves and our dc’s.

p.s. I've just had another email from X

"demanding a response to previous email - about us co-parenting, holiday visits, X visits to uk when X can see ds. how unreasonable i am being by withholding information , how X is trying to "sort things out" and I'm not helping...?

i only received the email at the end of last week.
oh dear.
Thanks to you lot on here, I have got so so so much better at dealing with this, which is why I'm on here telling you, rather than replying straight away to X - trying to explain everything and make it right.
bugger that.
not quite sure how to reply yet, but I'll take my time and X can just wait.

How is everyone else's Monday going?

Thanks so much for your reply 2012, and yes, what you say makes perfect sense. That's a dreadful situation with the mum at school. Always hurtful when you take someone into your confidence and they show themselves to be unworthy of your friendship. I was inwardly cheering when you walked away from her and told her she was out of order. I bet the other mums think you're a bit of a legend !

So yes, onwards and upwards. Ignore, in the box labelled "the past" and carry on.

The email from your ex sounds infuriating. Quite agree with taking your time. I also find it helpful to post on this board first. It's stopped me making some rash decisions in the past. I think being able to see the patterns of unreasonable behaviour etc is also very helpful. It stops you feeling isolated and questioning yourself too much.

hey DUDSTER.
thank you too. yes it was a really horrid experience, but with the help of a nice friend, & being free of X w/n - I am actually able to move on much more quickly than i ever would have before,
I hope you are okay today ?
It's definitely good to post here before acting anywhere else.

Yes, better day today thanks. Consciously moving on in my mind, it's really helped. Putting up the xmas tree with dd, singing along to Dean Martin (I know he was an old drunk but I love him!

Green I agree. No news is good news with things like this. Last sols letter I didn't hear from him for 6 months.

Glad it's still radio silence from your WN Ohb. Maybe, just maybe, he can see that throwing his weight around in this situation isn't going to get him what he wants. Fingers crossed for you.

Happy Monday all..

I so so wish I posted on here before responding in those early days.. probably would've saved myself a lot of anxiety & heartache. I've got better at this - thanks CBT - but sometimes I see red and just what to fire off exactly what I feel so will hopefully be more restrained now.

There are sadly some horrible people in the world and it's great to hear of your ways of coping with them. I hate that unsettled feeling when you know it's all wrong but you haven't actually done anything yourself. 2012 - I agree that you've gained a lot more from walking away from that awful woman with your dignity intact.

Dusters - yay for decs! DD is throwing a tea party for her Brownie Hostess badge this week.. considering it's also nativity, school party and school panto week... going to be fun!

I've missed so much to all. Just the usual constant WN behaviour overwhelming me. Just going to catch up read and will post more in a bit. to all if it's too early for

Hi Purple was wondering how things were going. I'll have a

PURPLE

It is never too early for , Purple. Hope you're ok.

Oh dusters you've got it going on with these men around you! (I hope you have sent the Xmas card to HJ.)

The text flirty twat = Why I Dislike Men Sometimes! He was clearly wrong and crossed a line he shouldn't have, I hate it when a man disappoints me in this way. Let's hope it was one-off drunken messing about with mates.

The friends Twat. I think there is a chance she may never leave him. Don't forget that we are a bunch of strong women who came out the other side - by our own choice and strength. I know so many dodgy marriages that have beautiful facades, behind closed doors separate beds, lies, etc. Some women just don't have it in them to go or don't want to! She may be one of them. One things for sure, whatever she does do, she will get there in her own time. I don't think there is much you can do. I would suggest possibly if you see her DS you instigate a similar line of conversation? See if he reveals anything else. One whiff of more and go to the school directly.

Reading all of your other stories and so sorry to hear these tossers continue to toss. Green loving your fab advice upthread, I hope your WN hasn't revealed any bad news. The silence and the waiting is such an awful time. Never any time to just rest easy and enjoy life.

I took the bull by the horns, still no response from WN re school holidays so I emailed his shit solicitor directly, told her that I had requested many times for the dates he wanted access (that he had argued to have in court - 1 week at Christmas - in 10 years I have never known him take time off work at Xmas, he says he can't - but told Court he could have off any time he wanted!! ) anyway, I told his solicitor these are the dates, X,Y, Z please tell your client, he isn't responding to me at all despite many requests so over to you. She replied sorry she couldn't help and now on holiday for a month and I needed to speak to him directly - haven't I tried that FOREVER?! Anyway, she forwarded it to WN and STILL Fuck All response. What kind of man is he? How much more shit can he drag us through. Yesterday, I text and said 'ok, have it your way, all dates are now off as you have not confirmed anything as per your Court order. Now I'm getting 'oh please this, oh please that, I just want everything to be ok, I'll do anything, I only want things to be right, blah blah WTF?????? It drives me NUTS. He drove the Court, he requested a week, he was told by them to agree 2 months in advance, I ask for WEEKS and weeks as I have 2 jobs and family etc to work around over Xmas. He says NOTHING at all 4 days before school hols start and now he is pitifully begging me as if I am being a bitch? Help straighten my head out please!!!!!

God. That was long. Sorry

Thanks Purple. Yes, text twat could be a one-off drunken event. He wasn't that drunk though, and looking back he's made a few comments that I now see were off. I'm going to ignore him, icy civility at most. One more move and I will tell my friend.

Friend's twat. He came to his door today when I was delivering a xmas card. His dd had just come home from school, so I passed it to her. He was all "Ooh, lovely..." I took great delight in ignoring him and walking off. Another mutual friend has said she felt she was sweeping it under the carpet, before I had said anything.

I think your assessment is spot on. I don't think she'll leave now. If I get the chance I'll mention the knife incident to her ds, and see if anything similar has happened.

And as for your Twat/WN/ %@*"@ - I think you have every right now to say to him that, in the absence of his ability to comply with the court order he sought, and despite you contacting his solicitor, here are the dates YOU will be having the dc over the holidays. If they don'f fit in with him, too bad. He had the chance, and the responsibility, to notify you. He didn't do it. You know he can't contact his solicitor - she's away for a month . So you get to choose and call the shots. I would be beyond annoyed if he was my ex. He put you through all that shit for the reason you knew all along - control and a power trip. Nothing to do with the dc. So, sod him.