Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Well done Nats. I think you, dd and the cat should have your own column. I'm prepared to look through the DM in my corner shop just to see if I can spot you. Whether or not I can part with money for it, that's another question .

Just to clarify, I probably find it easier to switch off from twat because he is involved with the dc, phones on the days he doesn't see them, doesn't muck around with the days/times etc. Also, we've never been to court. This means I have less hassle/grief/bad feelings, so can put him in a little box in my mind. Didn't want my post to come across as though I was doing something that should be easily achievable by everyone. If I'd had dc with my previous partner, the EA sociopath, I think I'd be rocking in a corner by now.

Will you respond to his court threat Name or just ignore?

Hello people of this thread,
I've just had a brief read of some of the posts & I really hope I'm posting in the right one. Please tell me if you think I'm not and I'll disappear!
Can I tell you some of my ex's traits first of all? BTW, we have 2 DC & separated 3 years ago. I've spent the last 3 years trying to keep things consistent & to keep the visits to him/his family going for DC/ been really positive (even when my blood is fucking boiling at his behaviour!)
Recently the kids don't want to go to see him ( recently very resistant to go) ...
Do these traits sound familiar to anyone?

1. No contact with the kids between when he sees them (and averaging 1x overnight every 4-6 weeks) no calls on birthday or Xmas. Never asks how they are even when one was v unwell recently.
2. Never instigates contact
3. Never pays maintenance or nursery bills on time so I have to remind all the time.
4. Ignores my texts & emails for days (unless it's something that will benefit him)
5. Talks down to me & never says please or sorry and thinks his life is much more important than mine.

Recently I asked him a question (related to DC wellbeing) & he is absolutely refusing to give me a straight answer & seems to be loving the fact that he has some power here. He knows both DC don't want to see him & I think that's made him angry & he's just ignoring me & my piss is boiling! He hasn't made me feel like this in a long time. And I'm so pissed off with myself for allowing him to make me feel like this! Thanks for reading.... Right thread?

Hello ghost welcome and yes right thread! All sounds very familiar I'm afraid (apart from the paying nursery bills bit...mine wouldn't dream of paying those!). Are your DC old enough to be listened to go court about not seeing him if it goes that far?

Mine is being such a fucking WN right now I don't know where to start. Can't anyway really as would be too outing. Control control control.

Another one for the list of things that are better now. NOT BEING IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM AS HIM HOORAY!!!!

Sorry. Need some positivity right now.

Nat I love the DM story! Your DD sounds more and more brilliant the more you say about her

dusters hope all goes well with your friend and her DS. I wish I'd had someone looking out for us like you are for them.

I've had enough of this week. Literal nightmares

Thanks Green
Sorry to hear things aren't good with you. His old are your children?
Mine are 3 & 6. I genuinely think he doesn't give a duck about them but he has his parents who think he is the most amazing dad ever & he has to keep up this 'act' but he's so transparent to me!!!!!!

Hi Ghost Oh yes, the right thread, with bells on ! My keyboard's going crazy so will post again a bit later. Greencar

Wow ghost, I could have writte 1, 3-5!

Stoplaughing.... definitely that feeling on seeing any type of correspondence

How old are DC ghost?

..... sorry just saw ages of DC fhost

Sorry, ghost!

Hi ghost sounds like your Wank Narc is twisted like the rest.

I spoke with my mum earlier as thought about telling my WN that DCs are likely to mention 'Mummy's new male friend' soon, they have briefly met him, and to say they're ok with the change. She reminded me that he's completely unreasonable and would just see it as opportunity to be horrible. She's right, what was I thinking?
That he'd respect me for trying to have normal dialogue? No, he'd be twat!

Wank Narc! hehe
Twisted but so fucking smooth & charming on the surface - does little things that make me and make ME look twisted!
Wish I discovered MN when we were together... Thought I was mad!
When it's just me & DC everything is coooool & then he appears and its ...... Shit!!!!

Exh used to move my shit constantly and I really thought I was losing it😳

He was supposed to have dd this weekend as it's my best mates 40th - I very rarely go out - but he's decided he can't. No reason. I'm not surprised

Oh no Katelovesjames
That's not ok.
Can you get a babysitter?
Yep the cancelling thing sounds familiar...
Anyone dealt with their kids deciding they don't want to see their dad? (Inconsistency & changes here)
The first time they were hysterical & adamant so I cancelled contact but now they are saying they don't wanna see him at Christmas.. Who doesn't wanna see their dad at Christmas?
Ex is saying 'they don't make the rules... ' but sending them off on tears... Can anyone help? I don't know what's best

I dealt with refusal when DD was about the age of your youngest ghost I did just make her go because I'd call when she was there and she'd be having a good time, it was just the separation that was the issue then. Do you think its separation that's the issue or them not having a good time at dad's?
And your WN sounds like many. Mine is a bit different as he calls all the fucking time because he loves it when DD listens to him talk for hours (although quite often she's just left the phone somewhere and wandered off but he still keeps talking )

We were all knackered yesterday (didn't realise how exhausting being interviewed could be - about 5 hours and I could barely keep my eyes open afterwards!) so we all went to bed at 8 o'clock and he called several times at half 8, keeping us awake, until I got fed up and answered to remind him that he is not allowed to call after 8 o'clock (which is DD's normal bedtime anyway)

Forgot to say - I asked them why does the DM always steal stories from mumsnet told them its really annoying!

Kate I'd babysit for a friend in the same situation so do ask your friends as you shouldn't miss out. Don't feel guilty asking last minute as I expect they know what he's like and would help.

Nat is it completely outing to say what interview was about? (I'm very nosey!)
It was good that you reminded WN of phone rules. I'm imagining him on other end stamping feet in mood.

Ghost my eldest (10) is like Nats doesn't like to leave home to go to WN and parents, but when with him they seem ok. My DD really doesn't want to be with his DM as says she's controlling, but I can't tell him who to be around and for some reason they don't go to his GFs. Can you speak with DCs at his to see how they feel later?

In the long run if my DCs say no to going with WN I'll back them, but I think I should facilitate it for now and DCs have time to try it. My youngest is ok going at the moment.

I wonder if WN GF still thinks she has a catch. He's put on lots of weight over this year as living off sausages and chips that his parents cook every night (he won't cook), will be expecting lots from her (WN tendencies) rather than partnership and I'm getting to keep house (as have DCs most of time and can take on mortgage) she'll need to contribute fair amount to new place when they get it. Originally he prob looked like a good catch, once she ignored wife and DCs

I love this thread!
Off out now but thank you to all who have responded to my rants.
I don't feel so stupid & crazy & like I'm the only one with boiling piss!

Its about my brother lilac to do with hacking (given up worrying about being outed)

Hi Ghost - my two are 7 & 4 and the eldest has never stopped wanting to see her dad (he was the SAHP when she was very small so they're very close) but my youngest really doesn't like going. Now he's started school it's not such an issue as WN is just there at school pick up but I still get the whole 'I just want to be with you' when he's home. When I had to prise him off me, I had to reassure myself that once he was there, he had a great time but it is so so hard. I hate that I have to almost force their contact but things are easier now than they used to be. How to fix it? I have no idea but I think as long as you have no welfare concerns, then you do sort of have to go with it so if it does come down to it, there isn't anything that can be used against you which is such a depressing way to go about it...

Kate - I hope you find someone to help. My current situation has really brought home to me how wonderful my friends are and how I need to start leaning on them more. I'm very much an independent person who can do it all - but I can't and there is nothing wrong with asking for help sometimes.

Kind of on that, it's my work Xmas do tonight so have been out charity shop bargain hunting and have found shoes, dress and little purse thing. We have one high street that is basically wall to wall charity shops (about 8 I think) so pickings are pretty good but even I was chuffed.. all in, just over £20!

Hope everyone else has a lovely weekend planned.. only two more until Xmas

Love charity shop bargain hunting! Has a good time at your Xmas do StopLaughing

Help. He's being reasonable. What's coming?

There's a weight in my chest. The threats are bad but not knowing is worse.

dusters where are you? I need your wisdom!!

Hi Greencar and all. My pc has been playing up, busy couple of days, and I should be out tonight.....but first...

Greencar Do you think it's christmas related? Is he trying to sweeten you up so he can have the days/times he wants, or is it all sorted?

StopLaughing Hope you're rocking the joint in your new outfit

Well. Was round at my friends, hoping to speak about her ds and the knife incident. Her partner/WN, has a small "business", a fortnightly vanity project that involves her running around after him and making about 2p profit. I was allowed round tonight because he was doing it. Cue him running in and out, her running around after him (with a soppy voice) and kids everywhere. I ignored him, which forced him to say hello. On his final exit he said have a lovely evening Dusters ! What, sitting on your sofa? Arse

She later realises he's left something behind "Should I pop it down to daddy?" I said "no" to her eldest, who relayed that to my friend. No response. She did of course. Whilst she was out my ds phoned in tears from twats. Due to sleepover then home tomorrow evening. But no, insisting on coming home. So, leave friends. Ds tells me he'd been arguing with dd. Usual outcome, twat moaning, can't deal with it. He said that dad had said no point you coming back tomorrow. My ds quite rightly pointed out that he wouldn't then see him. I texted dd and said I'd drop him off tomorrow morning.

So twat useless as usual, and because there's no co-parenting we can't resolve the situation together as two adults. As for friend, she was acting like nothing had happened. Quite frankly I think I've had enough. If she can't even find it within her to say I'm going to Dusters for an hour, where is the friendship? Don't pretend to me it's all hunky dory when you're too scared to tell him you're going out for an hour. I may well just bypass her and go straight to the school about her ds

God that was a rant - sorry - needed - available

I love this thread too! This year we are going on holiday over Xmas, its a place I have wanted to go to every since I was married ten years ago, and where I still have family. But exH would never ever have agreed to go. It's lovely to have the freedom to just decide these things for myself now.

Xmas do sounds great, well done on the bargains! StopLaughing

Nats I am SO glad you told the DM to stop nicking stories off here! What did they say back?

Kate I hope you can get a babysitter sorted, your exH's behaviour sounds like mine, very typically narcissistic

I am ignoring my Exh's idle threats of court for now, he is both lazy and stingy, if he does put up a fight then I am ready for him. Documented proof of domestic violence in front of the kids, and then refusing to drop them off for school probably won't play too well for him in the courts if he takes it that far.

I went to see my counsellor today, I have been feeling very low, and I did some CBT counselling a few months back which was amazing for managing my anxiety levels. This was more of a talking therapy, but I arrived in a v low mood because ex had been texting me and behaving unreasonably, etc.

The counsellor told me I was too negative and I shouldn't let ExH see me putting on weight and not taking care of myself, and I should look good to spite him. She said I should be grateful for all of the good things in my life and whilst she is right, it's really difficult and it hit a bit of a nerve with me. I do need to stop with the junk food and lack of exercise etc and sort myself out. I find it v draining to deal with him and an not doing nice things for me and my body instead. Any ideas?

Name I'd recommend starting with small things and keeping it positive. For example if chocs are left out at work I'll have a few, but then be positive with myself that I didn't stuff lots while it's quiet eat more. Then I don't get that 'I've cheated so I'll give up for the rest of the day' feeling and I'm pretty good then. Going for short mainly walking jogs is a good way to exercise with low commitment.

Dusters your friend is clearly in denial. It is hard to face the truth and harder still to go through change. I feel like coming with you to stage an intervention, sure others would join in too, but in reality going to the school is the sensible option for her DS's sake.

Name love the sound of your holiday, great way for you and the dc to spend xmas. Have just eaten nearly a whole tube of Pringles, and had 2 cans of coke, so not much advice here on the healthy life style . I'm a bit of a comfort eater, and I too need to get a grip on it. Can't quite find that resolve to start though.

Just out of interest what kind of counsellor are you seeing? Is she person-centred, integrative, psychodynamic ? The bit about looking good to spite him sounds a bit . I know I don't know the context, but taking into account the views of someone who has done/is doing you psychological harm, when it comes to considering your appearance, sounds a bit off. I get the sentiment, but not sure it's healthy to encourage you to consider his reaction/s to something so personal. If you feel secure 2 stone overweight and wearing a wetsuit who cares what he thinks - that for me would be progress.