Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

purple I'm so sorry. Is there anything you can do? Appeal? I know that's more £££ I'm appalled that they didn't listen to your DS. Just appalled.

oh I have that feeling too, that I'll never get away, he'll always be able to control me, that he won't return DC just to spite me. Some days I feel stronger, others it hits me all over again. I don't know how it's going to go but I'm going to try living my life regardless, wait to see what the consequences are and deal with them. What I don't want is for us to be just as held back as if I'd never left him.

dusters I am crossing fingers that Mr HJ turns up. Keep us updated.

staple I have similar, messed around week in, week out. Agree with everyone else that writing it down (facts only!) is a good move and emailing it gives you a traceable record. Just in case you ever need it.

A day of rage and it's not going anywhere. But I have decided, no more trips to EXH for DS, I think legally I have to make my DS 'available' He is clear he doesn't want to go (although you know how these little buggers change their minds) so I am no longer going to encourage him at all. Apparently he told XH last night (while he said XH shouted louder at him than he had ever heard anyone shout) that he was a liar and he never listens to how anyone else feels and that is why I left him!!! There is nothing for me to say to him that is any different. I doubt If that will have any effect on XH, he seems to be made of stone. I feel devastated my DCs are split in 2, and all of the future problems, resentments and insecurities that will bring. But I won't do this shit anymore. I thought I could not feel more repulsed by XH than I already do but OMG I could rip his face off with my bare hands and enjoy every second.

Purple you imagine torturing exh and rant away. This is a horrible thing to happen to you and your children. Can you take some time to fully think this through or are you stuck in a deadline to have to physically go along with this?

Ohb and green yes that feeling of being controlled, I know it well. I'm still being blamed for financial delays that are completely beyond my control, but in his eyes it's all me.

Dung my 3rd date has been postponed, good to hear yours went well. Hoping Dusters hears news soon. It's a good distraction and can turn into more.

He phoned !!!

We had a general chat about the work, he's phoning me early next week with a view to coming round mon/tues. He was very nice, friendly but professional . He said you didn't need to leave a note, you should have just knocked on the door.

Am grinning quite a lot !

dusters yayyy!

And now you have permission to go round and knock on his door, should you ever need some, erm, urgent information

I wouldn't mind one of these nice distractions (still uncertain with the ongoing saga btw, but I'm feeling a lot stronger about the whole thing after thrashing it out on here. I luffs you lot).

Dusters nice and friendly and said you can knock his door any time - great start!

Yayyy me greencar !! I just realised that nobody else apart from all you lovely lot on here knows anything about Mr H J. I'm going to keep it that way. Glad you're feeling stronger about the situation.

All your rage and feelings are utterly justified and reasonable Purple . That's a good decision with your ds. None of the outcomes are good I know. All you want for him is a decent relationship with his dad. But as that can't happen, at least you may have some respite from WN, and your ds will not be continually torn. I'm not religious but sometimes I wish I was so that I could hope these men go to hell.

Dusters I am thrilled about your phone call!!!

By the way.. my lovely man from the other day emailed me twice!! Even just before Court to wish me luck and much positively! I was so touched he remembered the day. He even mentioned meeting up for a drink I haven't responded... problem is he has his own Court date in a couple of months and I actually can't face telling him that my trio of dried out old women JP's (not qualified enough to be Judges, completely disregarded the children's needs and did not take any account of their feelings or anxieties. He doesn't need to hear that with his own awful case looming and it may just break his heart

Dusters I keep thinking about your 'being honest with the kids' approach. (Which I wholeheartedly agree with) Court made us sign an agreement that we wouldn't bad mouth/criticise the other in front of the children - I actually don't think I have ever done that - or allow others to. Very difficult when your DS is saying things like 'he always lied to you, I know he did' 'I'll never trust him again' Legally it seems I can't 'agree' with this. But I sure as hell won't argue against it! The worst dilemma is that i WILL NOT encourage my child to try to re-trust someone who is a compulsive liar, who I know will only cause him more heartache/stress/problems down the line. I guess silence is my only option.

Purple replying to DCs in factual way is not bad-mouthing nor criticising.

For example, you reply "I agree he lied to both of us". That's correct and factual.

Bad mouthing / critisicing would be "he's a liar he's bad at everything".

purple the thing is...is it badmouthing, if it's the truth? I completely agree with not encouraging your DS to trust someone who will only let him down. It's heartbreaking but every time I waver, I imagine ten years down the line and having to face being asked "why didn't you warn me?". The heartbreak of being let down by someone they fundamentally trust and knowing we didn't prepare them would be worse than knowing from the start, and having a chance to gain acceptance.

That is truly lovely that your nice man remembered. I really think you should take the chance to meet up with him. Obviously, feel free to ignore me, I'm just a random on the internet, but we all know how helpful it is to speak with someone who understands. He sounds like he could be a good friend and real source of support for you. Rather than feeling that your story will scare or upset him, can you look at it in a forewarned is forearmed way? If he's prepared that these things happened, he can have a plan in place, you could help him by sharing your experience?

I really hope your DS is ok. He must feel so powerless and not listened to, as must you

^^ Lilac said it better than me

Thanks. Good advice. My DS trusts me completely. He has no one else he can depend on to put his needs first, certainly not the 2 WNs. I think it is essential I regain that level of trust with him to help him even start to cope with all the shit around him. I will pick my words carefully, but I will not lie to him. What's the worst that can happen ??? XH takes me to court for breaking the agreement and being honest with my son? I couldn't care less. If that happens I would defend my case (with my trusty team on this thread helping me pick my words ) Are they going to send me to prison and leave my children without their main carer? I think not.

I'm feeling like I will contact gorgeous wonderful man, but I will wait for my anger and negativity to subside a bit to save him that.

Green you said it with more depth and I agree purple that you could seek support here. It may set you up just as friends (comparing court visits), but you never know it could be more in longer term.

So pleased with myself, just received spiteful message and as per last time edited it to a polite sentence and sent that with my reply. Thinking this is like training a thick dog, but not sure dogs are thick.

In fact I've really insulted dogs by comparing them with WN!

I agree to contacting gorgeous man. If you don't get back in touch that's another potential loss due to all this unfairness. I'm sure he must know that the outcomes can be very unfavourable, you will be a knowledgeable support for him.

I see they were 3 JP's not judges. Well, I think that explains a lot. I've known some family friends who became JPs. With the exception of one, they were all small minded bigots who I wouldn't want to judge a beauty contest

I agree with the previous comments about how to be honest about your ex without bad mouthing him. I never just start saying bad things about him. I also still say if I think he was in the right. For example, they described a situation last weekend where he was cross with them about something. I said that based upon what they told me that was fair, I would have felt cross too.

What I don't do is try and make it all better. When my ds said last week that he thought they always did what dad wanted to do, I said "Do you, yeah, I can see that would probably happen." When my dd said her dad couldn't come to something that was important to her because he had something very important to do, I scoffed. I asked her what was more important? I don't think that's bad mouthing.

If we're not honest I think it's a form of gas lighting, unwittingly. The dc will think "my mum doesn't think it's ok when other people say that" or "I know that's not true but my mum is saying it is". I think that'll really mess them up.

I totally agree with greencar saying that you don't want them turning round in 10 years saying why didn't you warn/tell me ? That's why I've told them what their gf has done. Imagine thinking he was a lovely cuddly gf and finding out later he was a bastard who'd largely destroyed your family. They know (a child friendly version) of that already. So, they are forearmed and he doesn't get two adoring gc. That's fair in my book, and I'd defend it if I had to.

Part of the situation regarding my break up involved members of my extended family. I had known and trusted them my whole life. They acted in a way that made me feel like I had never known them. It shook my world, and I would do anything to protect my dc from that.

training a thick dog

Just to say hello and hope everyone is staying strong, off to catch up..

Does anyone not get money from ex as part of divorce but have an order where he will give money if you get sick (nominal order)?

Morning all!

Feeling slightly more positive today but still have a background buzz of anxiety. Think that could be the shock more than anything. Just want the uncertainty to be over!

OhB - absolutely do not respond to more calls or texts, or arrange visits. Let him do the hard work not you. You WILL NOT have DS taken away from you, you will if he even bothers his sorry arse to do anything which I highly doubt have to deal with him having some kind of visitation though in the future.

Thank you for the replies.

I have calmed down and decided not to send the email.

It did feel good to write it all out - therapeutic.

I am reading about narcs and controlling and manipulative people and the main point I read yesterday was not to give them fuel. They feed off fuel. And hence my decision to hold off with the email.

I am going to try and read back through the thread and get a sense of who is who and what others are going through, and maybe I will be able to help or give advice. Its difficult being a newbie, feels like I am being all me, me, me!

Good to get it out, staplehead but yes, don't give him the fuel he'll only use it to piss on your bonfire.

Purple - how are you this morning.
Dusters - sounding good with HJM!

I have some news - we may not be going to final hearing. I hope not but if we do I've managed to secure one of the best barristers in the country for my particular situation. There's only a handful of them that specialise in my particular situation so I've been very lucky to get one of them.