Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Sorry your date turned out to be a wanker dung still, better to know now than later.

Got too much on my mind at the mo to be around much but am thinking of you all. Thankfully ex hasn't been ringing constantly lately so not much hassle from him at the moment.

Green I'm on a dating thread (on thread 110), which is after your comment ironically called "where have all the good men gone". Here's the link for anyone considering OLD, rules on page 1 very useful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2778994-Online-dating-where-have-all-the-good-men-gone-Thread-110

Hey all!

Paid for my solicitor today... roll on next week for the appointment so we can get the ball rolling.

All the conflicting advice isn't helpful at the minute, some people saying maintain contact with him some people not, it's hard to know what to do for the best really.

Suppose I will have a clearer idea of everything once I speak to sols.

In other news I cut DS's hair earlier and he looks great!

Hope you're ok Natsku x

OhB, I really would take the advice of those saying be cautious, very very cautious. Good luck for your appt x

Minnie I was a t a talk today about training as a SW... would love to do it, considering applying but not sure... tell me how you're getting on with it being a lone parent?

Lilac - the social work comment was made by my previous ex, not Twat. Sorry that I didn't make that clear. He was a real piece of work, working class hero, inverted snob, that type of thing. Compared to him Twat was/is actually a fairly good guy.

Sorry you've got a lot on your mind Natsku. At least ex isn't being such an arse - silver linings and all that.

You sound upbeat Ohb - good to hear. I can see you've had a lot of conflicting advice. It's hard because everyone's going on a few snapshots of your life, and bringing their own feelings and experience to the table. I think in these situations "the best" is rarely achievable. It's just a matter of keeping dc safe, in a routine and protecting their best interests. But I know that's what you're doing already. New hair cut sounds good - you're very brave !!

I will be cautious, I've told him contact centre for the foreseeable, and that I will be acting in my solicitors advice. He asked how much it would be to go to court (probably because I told him I wanted something legal in place to protect me and DS).

Dusters, I'm a trainee hairdresser! Recent massive career change but don't worry I didn't just go at his mop with the kitchen scissors. My mum gave me some horrific hair cuts when I was a kid

frog court in the middle of your holiday? How shit hope it goes well.

oh good to hear you sounding so positive. It can be so difficult in the face of conflicting advice, but remember YOU are living this, nobody else, and you are doing this for your DS, not anyone giving the advice. Go with what you think is the best decision.

Natsku sorry you've got so much on your mind, but glad you're getting a bit of a break from all those calls.

lilac thanks for the thread link, those rules look good in general not just for OLD! I toy with the idea of it every now and then, and I expect one day I'll try it. Even typing that seems scary, I don't know why it scares me quite so much. I'm not sure I'm ready if I feel like that about it -or maybe it's because I'm still not sure where I stand with the other one, sigh--

WN is now moved in with someone he met online a matter of weeks ago. I've lost a lot of sleep over it why oh why can these men not act in the best interests of their DC?

Ohb that's the kind of hair cut I was thinking of ! Pudding bowl cut with a jagged fringe.

Greencar your post sums up beautifully the yawning chasm between you and your ex. You feel a bit scared even typing that you might try OLD. WN's moved in with someone he met online a few weeks ago.

Thanks all.

As sufferers of WN, we struggle with boundaries. I'm getting so strong with boundaries in many areas of my life, the WN, my mother and mostly thanks to this thread actually.

How many of our WN are all shacked up and inappropriately introducing DC to new people with little regard for anyone but themselves.

Yet us.... we all question our own every thought and action. We've been trained by WN to judge ourselves more harshly than any white wigged court room.

Sorry to not be so good at replying individually and personally - I struggle on my phone - but this thread means so much to me.

Dung and Green my ex told me when I discovered his affair with OW that they would be meeting her soon!

I said they needed 6 months to adjust to family split and he gave them 4 months, and jumped to whole days. They're now highly suspicious of her and at an age to remember this. I don't have to say negative things about him, he's created the ammunition with which their future teenage minds can hurl at him and he'll have to take it.

Do you think your DCs are picking up on their dads acting strangely by moving in quickly?

OLD is good as none of it occurs around DCs. I can meet dates after work on days my mum has them and they just think I've been in meetings. I have a day free every weekend. I think I would introduce a 'friend' to DCs after 4-5 months at the earliest and always outside the home; only if things were going very well. OLD men are also easy to walk away from if it's not going to work (no real life connections). It's so hard going on first dates though!

My WN just introduced dd2 to OW 5 weeks after saying he had met someone (had been lying about affair and her existence for previous 5 months) and he was away for 10 days of the 5 weeks. It was only the 2nd time he had her to his flat. Since then OW has been present every time DD2 has seen him. but of course he isn't a selfish ba**d.

Hi Greeba vent away here. He sounds like another prize twat!

Sure is, wasted too many years on him. OW is young enough to be his daughter (sick bastard) we could have had a child older than she is. But since they are both liars and cheats frankly she's welcome to him. She'll find out that he's not the person she thinks he is in time but I don't care so long as I'm shot of him. Counselling is a wonderful thing

Hi Foof. I have just completed my first placement and that worked really well because it the hours were 8-4. However, first placements are in a setting which is non-statutory. So these placements can take place at charities, hostels, refuges, women's aid, Age UK, drug and alcohol services etc. Mine was with the police, working with domestic violence and abuse perpetrators. They also had an IDVA who worked with the victims/survivors.

I really enjoyed it, but I'm not really in a position to know how I will cope next year on a child in need team as I haven't done it yet. I did spend a couple of days shadowing the CIN SWs and honestly they were not as stressed as I expected them to be. Many of them had been there for years with no plans to leave the job/move to a different service. Maybe that LA is a particularly good one to work for as I've definitely heard some stories which don't mirror what I saw. Or maybe it was a quiet couple of days!

There are lots of stresses involved of course, but I think it's a matter of if the job if right for you or not. E.g. I trained to be a teacher and would tell other people to never ever teach. Ever! But then I know some people who love it, despite the stress.

Sorry for rambling. Hope that helped a bit x

That sounds so interesting Minnie. I'd be interested to know how working in those sorts of environments affected you. I'm thinking in particular in relation to your ex and what has happened/is happening. I did some training fairly recently in a therapeutic field. I absolutely loved it, but have put it on hold. It stirred up too many feelings/issues for me, which I didn't have the strength to deal with at the time. I think it is something I can return to though.

Well, unsurprisingly because I didn't agree to all of Ex's demands in his solicitors letter he has now applied for full residency.

We are due in court tomorrow and still do not have his statement.

We finally got the police reports through from the call outs over the past couple of years - he told them I'm a recovering alcoholic - I had no idea I'd been diagnosed and fecieving treatment 😒

Oh Frog, I'm so sorry, what a nightmare

Like you say Frog no surprise there. You weren't about to be blackmailed so I guess you knew what was coming next.

Has his statement actually been done, and it's just the case that you haven't yet had a copy (presumably to make you/legal team as unprepared as possible)?

At least you've got those police reports. Any evidence to back up his ridiculous assertions of alcoholism ? Presumably just his deluded and nasty mind as evidence.

Dusters it was very difficult to begin with. The perpetrators all denied that the abuse was their responsibility and blamed their partner/ex partner. That was the bit I found most difficult as I had to obviously remain professional. However the placement was over 14 weeks and my resilience developed over time. It really wasn't easy to begin with though. However, the other professionals I worked with felt the same way too.

Working with victims didn't cause me any distress though.

Thanks Minnie, that's useful. I think resilience is the word. The training I was doing would have eventually involved undergoing a form of therapy myself. This is essential for the job involved, I just couldn't face it at the time. The whole course requires a huge amount of self-examination, it's pretty full on.

Oh no Frog it all sounds so stressful for you. I don't know much about your situation sorry. Does he have a cat in hells chance of being granted full residence?

That sounds difficult too Dusters. I think we do recover from things in time (at least in my experience) but I don't know if we ever fully get over something that's so emotionally damaging.

The CAFCASS report supports DC living with me with contact for him so I doubt it.

There is no evidence to back up his claims.

Morning all
Frog sorry to hear your ex tried the blackmail route, it's a common tactic I wouldn't be surprised if you don't get his statement until an hour or so before the hearing tomorrow if the cafcass report is in your favour how does he expect to get full residency? The judge will go off the report.
SF attempted to do similar before our hearing 'we won't proceed to the hearing if you agree to return DS1 today' told him to shove it! The latest news I've heard is that SF and the bint (fiancé 21 years his junior, moved into SF home after they'd been dating 4 months and with no warning to any of the DS's) were attempting to spread round last week that I was taking them to court and that I'd 'kidnapped' DS1 completely ignoring the fact that according to legal paperwork you if you have PR it doesn't count as kidnapping at all! Twunts! I wonder what they'll be saying now a judge has told them that DS1 can stay where he likes?
Picked up yet another cold so feel shit today, sprog is back to his normal active self thankfully so no more pregnancy worries right now

Just realised Frog that my post may have seemed to suggest that he could have had some evidence !! Obviously I didn't mean that for a moment, it was meant as a sarcastic remark about him.

Had my meeting with the domestic violence team today, really lovely lady, she's putting me on the freedom programme (starts in jan), so that should help.

She's told me to go and speak to my gp again and tell them everything, she agrees with the possible PTSD.

Also recommended minimal contact, she thinks he is using DS as a tool to get at me. She asked if I knew of any events that could have upset him, just realised he got in touch a few days before an anniversary of a close relatives death so she could be right. Go back to see her in 2 weeks time.