Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Minnie that was just my WN1 story!

2 hours a week sounds like more than enough to spend with that tosser!

Minnie 2 hours a week - do you, or DCs, ever think it's not worth the stress?

Bloody hell Purple. What an unbelievably vile woman. They must match like a hand in a glove.

Minnie I'd go for a copy of the schedule just for a laugh ! Then when he can't squeeze the two hours in you can pick his schedule apart !! I agree with trying to see the humour in things. Sometimes impossible, but now and again it's there.

Is this fair? DC birthday and ex wants to take DC after school then returned to me for routine stuff. Plus ex is coming to a party that I am throwing. When do I get time with DC or AIBU?

Purple what does WN stand for sorry? I'm going to guess wanker narc, or similar. Am I close?
I hope you've not had multiple narcs to deal with.

Lilac DS is only 3.5 but regularly says that he doesn't want to see his daddy, or that he doesn't want to go on his own.

Ex is really unkind in the way he speak to DS so I'm not surprised DS isn't keen on him! For example, at the weekend DS was messing around and sticking his tongue out, and ex snapped at him 'you're not a dog, are you?!' In a really aggressive tone.
I felt like replying with: "No, but you're a c*nt aren't you." And walking off wth DS but I didn't. Wish I had now after tonight.

I do think it is more stress than it's worth, yes. I'm not expecting it to last long. He has only been back in contact since the last weekend in June and he already can't be bothered. He has dipped in and out in the past and when DS was smaller, it didn't cause as many issues. If he decides to bugger off again then it will be for the last time because I won't be putting DS through it again.
His excuse for his behaviour and constant cancelling of contact/expecting me to rearrange with hardly any notice is that I ONCE asked him if he could see him on a Saturday instead of a Sunday as we'd been invited to a christening. I asked if it was ok, where as he demands things and tells me what is happening.

Sorry. I'm really wound up if you couldn't tell.

Homely I'd say it looks unfair because it's unequal. You will both be at the party, so that's fair. Presumably they'll wake up with you in the morning, but it'll be the nursery/school/work rush (?) so not really time together. If you and ex live near one another, couldn't he have them till about 5.30, then drop them back to you ?

Wank Narc

Dusters would it be acceptable to annotate it/make changes and send it back to him?

Two hours on a Sunday is all he has him for! I have to breathalyse him each time though as he used to turn up still half cut from the night before. I assume he has cancelled as he knows he'll be too drunk/ hungover after the Saturday night. He has a huge drinking problem and once he has had one pint, he's incapable of stopping at a normal level.

Purple ah, at least I was close!

Goodness I'm just feeling upset. He caused this situation .... he was too stupid to save his family and now I feel forced to be without DC because of his choices.

I'm throwing and paying for the party.

He is going to roam streets with DC as not that close... that after a day at school. I had said he could see DC at home but he won't as he doesn't come in..... it's beneath him to. So he'd rather roam about with DC.

Minnie I too have the telling me what will be happening. I just do the same in reverse now. He refuses to use the word "home" (ie where his dc live) so always types the full name of our road ! As in "I shall be dropping x back at xxxxx road at 6pm". It just makes me say "twat" when I see it

Dusters - I do appreciate that, however I'm trying to make this as much about DS, and how less about me as possible, if that makes sense.

Dusters that's hilarious! What a weirdo! We could write a book with all the shite they say.

Oh yes please annotate Minnie that would be hilarious ! And you have to breathalyse him ?!

Homely I recognise your frustration. If he's roaming the streets he definitely shouldn't be having him for more than a couple of hours on his birthday.

Ohb I see what you're saying. But his treatment of you is wrapped up with his treatment of your ds. Making threats against you, wishing you dead, are significant. The way he has behaved towards the mother of his child matters.

I'm probably not expressing myself very well. You are trying to envisage for your ds a good future with his father. I really hope that might happen. But from everything you've told us about your ex his behaviour is more likely to follow exactly the same pattern as the men on this thread. He's already dipped out of his life for a year. What if he changes jobs and moves away, will he maintain a good routine with your ds? What if he has a baby with his gf, and suddenly your ds is an inconvenience ? What if he just gets bored again, and disappears ?

When I split with my ex I envisaged shared birthdays/xmas/parent's evenings. My ex isn't capable of that, so it doesn't happen. It may be what I'd like, but it's not achievable. You may want a certain pattern of events for your ds as regards his father. But your ex isn't that man.

It would be a bloody long book hey Minnie ?! What about this text a while back "Don't try and bully me with your educated mind and fancy words" Oh what, you mean don't be articulate and able to see straight through you !!!

Duster unfortunately yes! When contact was in a contact centre he used to turn up looking awful and shaking lots. It was only when a friend posted video clips of him off his tits at 5am (contact started at 9.30) that I realised what was going on. He had previously tried to kill himself so I thought his MH was still not great, and this was the reason for poor self care. I though the shaking was down to nerves (not that I'm scary). I had no idea he was off his face at 9.30 am.

Oh yes they don't like it when you're too clever for them and they realise they can't bully or intimidate you anymore. Ex mil asked me what I was doing workwise recently (had not spoken to her for over two years as she's worse than ex). When I told her I was retraining as a social worker and wanted to work in child protection, she gave me the ultimate death stare. I applied to the court last year and they didn't like that either.

Sigh. Where's Lilac.
My date crashed and burned.
Why oh why and where oh where are the nice men????

Have to confess there were warnings..... I was giving benefit of the doubt. Don't think they were Narc tendencies. Base line,et online dating. He wanted the knowledge that I wasn't communicating with any other men yet he didn't delete or freeze his account despite seemingly grown up conversations.... so I caught him online and called him on it and of course, he responded like an arsehole.

Need to heed my own advice. Chin up. Will feel better in morning.

Minnie he sounds like he was in a real state, what a nightmare for you all. Love the MIL death stare. How dare you have a proper responsible grown up job ? They probably see you as "the others" now ! My previous ex saw that I had a leaflet on training to be a social worker. He said oh god, you're not going to be one of those middle class people stealing working class people's babies ? I didn't pursue it, but luckily I did leave him - eventually. I can really pick 'em.

Dung No No No... Wasn't this your cinema date ? What an idiot ! What was he doing, keeping his options open ? Hope he choked on his popcorn.

Onwards and upwards dung.
*
Minnie the horrendous MIL/family is a theme here too. Well done on you for your fabulous career aspirations. I really admire you. I'm not sure I would be emotionally strong enough to enter that game, but they definitely need more Minnie's* with some actual real life experience.

Sorry to hear that dung. As cliche as it is, it sounds like you had a lucky escape!

Dusters yes I think that's exactly it. No doubt they will assume I have gone into the profession just to intimidate them. Which is absolutely not the case of course! But that's how they think.

Purple thank you, that's really kind. During my first placement I constantly saw situations similar to lots of the ones posted about on here, and on DV threads. I couldn't believe the lack of compassion and empathy a lot of professionals (not just SWs) showed to the victims in these cases. Nor could I believe that men who were incredibly violent were being allowed unsupervised contact, after SS had told the mother to end the relationship with the perpetrator to protect the child/ren. Where on earth is the sense in that?

Dung I took your advice and currently been busy on 4 OLD sites being selective with what's available. It's made me feel much better and I'd encourage you to do the same. Chin up and tomorrow's another day --but yes all endings do feel sad-'.

These shite dads that drag kids around streers, or don't take them for more than 2 hours, or turn up drunk, or drop out of DCs lives when it suits them are real twatty twats. Narc spray away spray for the lot of them.

Dung posters on here reminded me that it's better to find out sooner rather than later down the line. You are now free and single to be happy and see what happens. Would it help to post and say how he twated it up?

Hope you're ok today Dung.

dung (((hugs))) I'd love to know where the nice men are too

How crap for you. But, as everyone says, better to find out now. Bullet = dodged. Well done

(Also, entitled controlling arsehole. You do NOT need another one of those!)

Dusters your WN's view of SWs as "middle class people stealing working class people's babies" is awful. Like all professions I expect issues arise, but surely there must be a system to try to help?

Minnie I agree with purple: your experience could set you ahead with the role?