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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

993 replies

Lilacpink40 · 09/11/2016 18:57

Thred 3! Grin

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nicenewdusters · 16/11/2016 16:16

21 year age gap ! Moved in after 4 months ! I think we could start a WN league for age gap/period before moving in. Are you tempted to try and fight back with the misinformation Chrystal, or just rely on the fact that the people that matter to you will know the truth ? It must be very frustrating.

Sorry you're feeling poorly, glad the pregnancy is going well.

Froginapan · 16/11/2016 17:13

Damn - the letter did say 'without prejudice' - his blackmail cannot be brought up in court.

I'm so looking forward to the next few years until DC is 18 😒

nicenewdusters · 16/11/2016 18:15

Frog Even if you can't mention the letter he sent to your solicitors, is there no opportunity to highlight the fact that, in certain conditions, he was prepared to drop his claim for residency ? I know you have the report on your side, but it seems so unfair that cannot be known to the court.

Froginapan · 16/11/2016 18:17

Dusters - it's unlikely. If I were his solicitor I would have made sure it couldn't go on record either because in the event that the proposals were refused it would leave my client without a leg to stand on.

Lilacpink40 · 16/11/2016 18:41

Frog this all sounds very frustrating. If you phoned WN up and said about proposals do you think you could record him saying the blackmail? Or better still can you email and see if you can encourage him into writing and saying the threat? I'm assuming if he says it separately that it can be counted?

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Natsku · 16/11/2016 18:44

Damn frog that's annoying that you can't use it against him.

Some vaguely good news - we've figured out the cause of the shower shocks. There's something in the drain that's giving off electricity... Confused and there's nothing we can do about it but the city is re-doing the pipes in my area and our road is due to be done next so maybe that'll sort it.

nicenewdusters · 16/11/2016 18:54

Yes, his solicitor did the right thing for him - unfortunately. Will a judgement be made there and then tomorrow, or will you have to wait to find out ?

nicenewdusters · 16/11/2016 18:57

That's a bit scary Nats sounds like a Halloween film "Something In The Drain..." Hope you're feeling a bit brighter.

Natsku · 16/11/2016 19:01

Not really feeling any brighter. Wish I could get over to England to see my family right now.

Froginapan · 16/11/2016 19:03

The hearing tomorrow is unusual as it is a 'pre-trial' hearing, making sure everything is filed ahead of the final hearing. Our last hearing was fraught with late filings from his side and from CAFCASS so I'm guessing the judge decided it was best to make sure everyone had the right information well ahead of the final hearing.

Lilacpink40 · 16/11/2016 19:26

Dusters if only this something in the drain targeted WNs. Give Frogs WN good shock to stop his stupid behaviour.

I've can see through dating men that are dads, that couples that don't have a WN in them can stay amicable. It's hard as I then think imagine if only I could talk with ex about DCs and discuss childcare things would be easier. Anyone else get that feeling?

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Lilacpink40 · 16/11/2016 19:27

Nat I hope drain shocks stop for you though!

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Froginapan · 16/11/2016 19:27

Lilac - if only

MinnieF1 · 16/11/2016 20:53

All the time Lilac. It would be so much easier if things were amicable for all of us.

I wish ex was stable enough to actually take DS out for the day by himself. I often think how nice it would be to do my hoovering and ironing in peace for once.

nicenewdusters · 16/11/2016 22:23

Yes, I think that too Lilac. My ex is so pompous, thinks he's such an honourable person, yet he can't do the one thing that would greatly help our children - have an adult, civil relationship with me as their mother. I can pretty much live with what he did that ended our relationship. But I will never forgive this self righteous stubbornness.

I've mentioned that he's having them this Xmas. I really need to check with him that he does certain things, because they both still believe in FC. But there's just no way I can do this. I'm sending their stockings via my dc about 3 weeks in advance. Hopefully he'll remember that he has to buy and wrap all the little things that go in them. Useless twat.

greencarbluecar · 16/11/2016 22:42

FFS what is it with these men who have new woman around their kids within days and move in with them at lightning speed? I just can't get my head around it. Selfish, selfish fuckers.

My ex is so pompous, thinks he's such an honourable person, yet he can't do the one thing that would greatly help our children - have an adult, civil relationship with me as their mother

dusters bloody hell we've had DC with the same man. Pompous and self righteous, thinks he's oh so wonderful and superior, that's him. His self satisfied smug gaslighting face still makes me feel trapped inside some invisible box. Such an authority, an important man yet incapable of putting his DC first Hmm

Sorry for the rant.oh was it a police DV team you saw?

Nat hope the shower gets sorted soon. Loving the image of something in the drain targeting WNs.

frog masses of good luck for tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

mysinkingheart · 16/11/2016 22:45

Hello again, been crazy busy lately and on a thread that's bringing back sad memories. But thoughts are often with this one (3 already?!) FlowersWineCake

dusters you may have this covered already but could santa have "mistakenly" delivered stockings to both houses for them. That way at least you're sure they'll definitely get the magic on your side?

mysinkingheart · 16/11/2016 22:50

Oh and mine's full of himself too, proper numpty at times

greencarbluecar · 16/11/2016 23:12

Or, Santa leaves stockings at your house as a surprise, dusters because they've been so extra good? (Falls down if they've been terrors of course!)

It's enough to make me think you should have to pass a test before being allowed to parent, like getting a driving licence. Then again, WN has one of those and his driving is as selfish and irresponsible as his parenting. WN away spray is the only solution.

Chrystal1982 · 16/11/2016 23:15

dusters yeah my boys who live with SF 50:50 were not impressed with the interloper! She's put posters up on the walls apparently 😳😂
My DP, although by mn terms he'd be classed as BF, and I haven't been together long only since march, I fell pregnant in April lol big 'oh shit!' moment! (Made the decision to keep based on whether I'd be able to do it alone if things went tits up) He's met my kids and done some outings, family dinners etc and they like him, but we have absolutely no plans to move in together yet, baby or no baby, we're both happy letting our relationship develop in its own time, not rushing just because of the baby iykwim and that's working for all of us boys included 👍🏻
I don't need to address the misinformation myself as I have a younger DSis (21) who's extremely fucked off with SF spreading shit round town (we live in a small place and gossip spreads) and is going to let it be known what the truth is lol thankfully SF & bint are not well liked in town whereas DP and I are 😊

GreebaHouse07 · 16/11/2016 23:46

Dusters and Chrystal need to set up a club 21 years age gap and moved in within 4 months here too. Introduced DD2 5 weeks after saying he had a new gf and only second time he'd had her for the evening. Hasn't seen DD2 alone since then.

Swirlysunshine · 17/11/2016 03:53

Hoping for some support 😀. After YEARS of this crap which really is relentless I think I have exhausted everyone I know in RL with "what he has done now". Feeling so worn out. Wrote a document to summarise the other day....I have had 10 false police complaints against me, 11 complaints to others (social services etc.) and 7 court applications/ threats of against me. I feel so sorry for kids that are bullied. To make it worse I'm British but stuck on the other side of the world due to children being born here. Joke of a system where I am.

nicenewdusters · 17/11/2016 08:22

Hi Swirly sorry you're in a position to join us, but welcome. You'll get lots of support here, and hopefully a few laughs. We specialise in ranting and having rude nicknames for our exes, so jump on in !! Your situation sounds exhausting. What's your position as regards residency/contact with your dc?

Mysinking hi again. I know, thread 3, mad isn't it ?!

Thanks to all for the stocking ideas. Yes, maybe I should do the same for here. Their presents from me etc will be here, so it wouldn't look odd if they had stockings too. It won't be the same if he hasn't done it for xmas morning, but I have no other option.

As for the pompous ex, it does have it's advantages in my case. He makes a point of always being/bringing the dc back on time. He doesn't mess around with days and times etc. This is so he can show to me, and everyone else, what a good person/dad that he is. Rarely got back on time when I asked him to when we were together, work always too busy. Funnily enough he can do it now.

Fortunately he isn't seeing anyone. He's quite shy and doesn't do an awful lot so is unlikely to meet anyone. As for OLD, if you knew him that would make you laugh out loud.

Greencar they must be twins ! Mine is an aggressive and sometimes irresponsible driver. It's the whole pride, don't give an inch mentality again. He once swerved the passenger side of the car (I was the passenger) towards another vehicle. I said wtf are you doing ? "I'm teaching him a lesson"Angry I said teach him a lesson when I'm not in the car and kill yourself, not me or the kids. He's had several accidents, a couple of road rage episodes, and the kids tell him to drive slower.

Frog Best of luck today. Will be channeling Queen your way: "We are the Champions" for you and "Another one bites the dust" for your WN.

Swirlysunshine · 17/11/2016 08:58

Thanks for the lovely welcome dusters. Wrt to Dc- he has restricted access has had for 4 years due to violence etc However for the past 4 years we have been in and out of court with him wanting equal share. "Nothing wrong with him" "she's the violent one" "she is making it all up". Exhausting everytime a new party comes into it all, all they think is it is all he says she says. Except I'm telling the truth 100% and he 0%. Tired to the bone ant the moment. Anyway...sorry for the moan.

Froginapan · 17/11/2016 09:33

Oh swirly, they all read from the same scripts. I've had ex's rly the same stuff said.

Hard as it is keep on rising above it. Don't let him drag you down.

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