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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's left hand holding needeed

464 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 04/11/2016 08:46

Ok so I posted before the thread about making a tit out of myself. Things have continued I get stressed and have a go every time she texts and start the whole argument over again he got naffed off last night and left. He's not come back yet. I am probably being paranoid I just can't help going into a rage every time she texts help. I have recently gone on the mini pill can that screw your head up I have never been a jealous person

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 12/01/2017 23:27

I apologise in advance for any emotional messages but every time he does stuff like this it's like another stab through my heart I know I shouldn't have let him back so easily but I was trying to save my marriage protect my kids I genuinely wanted to make things work. It's my 40 th this year I have been looking at spa breaks away for the 2 of us I have been despite everything trying to make things better than they were before so to hear yet again he won't remove her from facebook for me as she is more important than my feelings yet again and to be called mental again is hard to take

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Dontaskmegoogleit · 12/01/2017 23:32

Hey Alfie. This is your year . 40 is the start of the rest of your life.
I don't blame you for taking him back, you tried and wanted to make it work so now you can have no regrets this time.

Dontaskmegoogleit · 12/01/2017 23:34

Shouldn't HE have been looking at spa breaks for your birthday ?

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 12/01/2017 23:40

I think I can honestly say I have given my marriage a go i have tried if he hasn't text her or called her for months then what is the issue with removing her from facebook to save his marriage? Was updating a rl friend today the whole Asian porn and message off another woman came out they were totally brushed under the carpet while I focused on v

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Dontaskmegoogleit · 12/01/2017 23:43

What does your rl friend think you should do ?
It's ok that v is more of an issue to you because that's the long standing one. The others are just to be added to the list of reasons to leave

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 12/01/2017 23:48

He mentioned what would I like to do to celebrate when things have been going good between us they have been really good a fresh start better than before providing i stfu allow him to have passcodes on his phone and let him have his bitch on facebook. I believe life starts at 40 I fuckin hope so Lol

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Dontaskmegoogleit · 12/01/2017 23:55

He's giving you conditions ?
Who was at fault here ?

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 00:07

To my rl friends it's simple u tell dh no passcode no friends on facebook as their dh would do what is reasonable and respect their wishes mine however is totally different. Rl friends at work presumed he had cut contact when I allowed him home as that to them seemed reasonable no soft arse me let him come back anyway. I think unless u have been with such a stubborn dick it's hard to understand as saying to me well he has to remove her from facebook and delete passcodes to make your marriage work is easier said than done he totally refuses prefers to call me mental and yet again put a stupid friendship that means nothing to her over me our marriage and kids. The whole thing is mental not me

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 00:13

My conditions are no passcode or one I know so we can both trust each other me not to snoop and so I don't think he's hiding anything never had a passcode when this started and Been on and off ever since
He removes her off facebook if he has allegedly not had any contact with her for months why is that an issue ? Shoot me down for involving dd but I even suggested dh deleted v but accessed her facebook by dd facebook account

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 00:15

dontask I think he's at fault he thinks I am

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 00:38

Going to bed as have to be up early with dc then in work I have no idea if he will still be here to let ds in or if he will pick dd up from the yard as he is off tomorrow night but can't face speaking to him or texting him. Please resssure me u l am not mental this isn't normal Is it

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Dontaskmegoogleit · 13/01/2017 06:54

Hi Alfie. When I said he's giving you conditions, I meant as in what a cheek.
And I know it's his fault.
You are not mental the situation is. But you can resolve that by being hard hearted which in the long run will be kinder to yourself.
Take care x

Iamdobby63 · 13/01/2017 08:49

His friendship with V caused you to have trust issues, also the porn and the twitter thing must have resulted in you questioning that you completely know the man you have been married to all these years. Both are trust issues.

You didn't break/rock those issues, he did.

The more he digs his heels in over passcodes the more you must question whether he still has something to hide..... Anyone would.

At some point you may have to draw a battle line and perhaps give him an ultimatum based around you appear to be the only one prepared to work on your marriage, that he created trust issues and yet does nothing to help resolve the issue. You have stated what you need to move forward - he has refused so how can he expect anything to get better? You will keep mentioning V because to you the issue has never been resolved. Also you have suggested couples counselling, again he has refused. You need more from him than 'well I'm here aren't I'. So he either works jointly on your marriage, does what you need him to do (because you are more important to him than V, porn and passcodes) or you start divorce proceedings.

Personally if I went that route I would do it in writing (email, text or letter), but you MUST be prepared that it may not go how you want it to. Take your time to think on it but at some point it seems like a battle line will have to be drawn.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 22:13

I ended up ringing him this morning to see if he would be home to let ds in after school. Had a brief row about v on facebook and threatened divorce if he isn't prepared to make any effort. He seems to have deleted her he hasn't told me so i am not mentioning it. Maybe he is right he can't win because I feel I shouldn't have had to threaten divorce to force him into it he should have done it when I said it was bothering me not months later. It's the same with the texts and calls v stopped that not him so it doesn't really make me feel any better I need him to understand my feelings. He is still being weird with his phone and not offered any solution over his passcode but is back to keeping it in the car ?? He is the one that's mental. When I knew the passcode and he was being normal leaving his phone around the house like normal people I didn't snoop and felt more secure and we were getting on it's bugging me why he suddenly changed it and when I questioned him said he has a right to privacy but as he had changed it a while ago it's obvious I hadn't been looking at his phone so why rock the boat and change it ??

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 22:18

I don't know if he has blocked her on facebook or just deleted her as a friend btw. I did block her on his messanger ages ago they used that a few times before they had each other's numbers but he rarely uses it and isn't particularly tech so not sure he would realise she is blocked

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 23:01

He took ds on a scouts trip tonight dd was out I thought he might of come home and wanted to talk as it's only 20 mins away but he said he would wait in the car? It's freezing I suggested we go to a retail park near by to look round the shops instead he said no. Probably me but thought it was odd he probably stayed at the venue and watched it's a trampoline place rather than in the car but I can't seem to shake off doubting him. I wonder if he messaged v explaining why he deleted her? Maybe there is someone new that's why he's changed his passcode? I never expected grand gestures or much of an apology when he came back as that isn't him but I did expect a bit more as it's gone on since October. today part of me is thinking I don't even want to be with someone who can put me and the kids through so much shit and can't be bothered trying to make it work

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2017 00:13

Fuming dd hasn't changed her passcode back to the original one that I asked her to she is supposed to be going to Manchester with friends tomorrow which I would want her to have her phone with her for but tempted to take it off her and say she can't go now arghhh am I being harsh I am sick to the back teeth of passcodes and privacy and nobody respecting my wishes but I don't want to take my frustrations with dh out on dd

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MrsPeelyWally · 14/01/2017 02:56

Alfie, people previously gave you so much help with this yet it still goes on and in the most childish of ways despite you very surprisingly being 40 this year.

And your poor DD who's been dragged into this by the two of you, but mostly by you, is living a bloody awful life. You and her dad both need your arses kicked and it's time now to grow up and sort this mess out by going it alone.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2017 09:21

My issue with dd phone is completely separate to dh she is 15 and if she is going to be active on social media to have access to her phone I am disappointed she hasn't respected my wishes but having slept on maybe not allowing her to go is a bit harsh so I am allowing her to go but I expect the passcode to be changed back today. not sure how I am dragging dd into this or being childish as having discussed this with other mums having your child's passcode is the norm.

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magoria · 14/01/2017 12:03

You are going round and round in circles. Same thing upset you,. H does the minimum he needs to in order to get you to shut the fuck up. You go quiet. He goes back to doing what he really wants secretly. Same thing upsets you...

He doesn't care. He desire to have v in his life is greater than his love, feelings or respect for you.

You can't change him.

You can carry on the same thing that isn't working or you can step off the roundabout and remove yourself from this by separating from your H.

He will then carry on with V which will hurt you like hell but be none of your business.

As for your DD it is safer she has phone for day out. If she hasn't changed code on her return confiscate it. No pass code = no access to social media.

Iamdobby63 · 14/01/2017 12:58

Yes DD's passcode and DH's passcode are separate issues.

DH should be supporting you in your insistence that you know DD's passcode.

What you don't want to happen now is for him to move out just to move back in without any resolution. If he has moved back to mums I would text him that you don't want him home until this is sorted - and list it all out for him.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2017 21:34

Dd has agreed to change her passcode back said she forgot and yes i allowed her to go out with her friends. I was annoyed last night as she hadn't done it already dh had no issue with her changing her passcode and probably encouraged it. He sent me a text saying he will no longer talk to v face to face by text and he hasn't phoned her and he has removed her off his facebook but I probably already knew that he is the one making all the effort all I am doing is making accusations demands and threats. And this is basically his final offer take it or leave it. He still maintains he did nothing but talk to her and he makes no apologies for that. Obviously ignoring the passcode issue. I replied I didn't realise he had unfiended her on fb as he hasn't told me and I don't search him 20 times a day as I am not mental or infatuated with him

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Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2017 22:29

Probably totally against any advice on here I then went on to text him about the phone calls. Oh yes the hour long phone calls at gone midnight that I was blissfully unaware of until I tried a few nights to call him and it was always engaged so I checked the phone log. The phone calls that never took place in front of me. They were so good at the whole secrecy thing that she never slipped up and called him on his night off he has a rolling shift pattern. Why ? Did he send a sneaky text call me the coast is clear or did he do all the calling. The talking ? Oh he means the telling her everything I said to him that was confidential between us yet refusing to tell me what he has said. The talking that was slagging me off and creating a dh and v situation against me and dd. I explained that had he respected my wishes back in October to cut the level of contact and be more open I would have had no problem with this friendship like i don't with his other female friends he chose not to and to add to it all with more secrecy and so called digging his heels in. He hasn't replied and acted normally since I got home pfft

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EggnoggAndMulledWine · 14/01/2017 22:53

Okay well hour long phone calls in secret on only nights he works behind your back. He can say whatever the fuck he likes but he is at least, clearly having an emotional affair. What a prick. How dare he call you mental when you were right all along!

Time to get a bit of self respect and end this whole charade.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2017 23:05

He doesn't even do talking on the phone. He only starts work at midnight and they were after then. He never casually mentioned oh i was talking to v last night as she has done x or been y I had no knowledge of the phone calls until I couldn't sleep a few nights stressing over ds settling into high school and his phone was always engaged. Like i said he doesn't do phone calls he won't ring to sort his car insurance if he has to phone his mum it's 2 mins and only when he wants something he doesn't do chatting on the phone. Yet they chatted most nights for over an hour. If it had been just an open friendship they would have done this also when I was around. I can't make him see why this has caused issues he insists it's was totally normal. I have said it was an emotional affair he says why would I have an affair if I wasn't getting sex. He just doesn't get how his behaviour has affected me and our marriage

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