He's left hand holding needeed

[Alfiemoon1]

Ok so I posted before the thread about making a tit out of myself. Things have continued I get stressed and have a go every time she texts and start the whole argument over again he got naffed off last night and left. He's not come back yet. I am probably being paranoid I just can't help going into a rage every time she texts help. I have recently gone on the mini pill can that screw your head up I have never been a jealous person

He would just twist it anyway say he never got back to her or he can go out for a drink with whoever he wants so what's the point

I've been with my dp for 22 years too, I always say he's perfectly ok to look at my phone, email, fb, whatever and he is the same, as we've nothing to hide. Given recent behaviour, and the fact you have told him you're not happy with passcodes I wouldn't get into the argument about snooping. If he can't be transparency enough to reassure you now, of course you're going to be paranoid.

If my dp responded to my worries, justified or not, with "you can't stop me.." He would be told that's very true, but if you go out drinking alone with another woman then you can do as you wish as a single man. He hasn't done anything to reassure you and has basically just moved back without any regard for your feelings op. After such a long time together you are right to expect more

The week he didn't have a passcode on and left his phone lying around I didn't snoop I didn't feel the need to then he randomly puts a passcode on the day he had seen v so of course I am going to think he's added her no.

This is going to drive you crazy. Can you look into couples counselling in January?

He refuses to go to counselling as I would talk the councillor round to my way of thinking

You will never trust him and you will never stop dragging up because it has opened up a problem in your marriage.

He has never accepted he has done anything wrong, never acknowledged your feelings and has put a third party over you consistently.

He expect you to just shut the fuck up and let him do what he wants when he wants.

I've just figured out who the invite for a drink was from it's his brothers old room mate they met her a few times so yes she knew he was married and had kids she's even on dd facebook friends pfft

Not that I am interested but he's taken to leaving his phone in the car saying he doesn't need it why can't he just be normal about his bloody phone lol

Of course you are interested! Anyone would be.

He doesn't seem willing to help to build your confidence in your marriage. I don't know how you are going to get past this when he just expects you to carry on as if nothing had happened.

Even if he doesn't understand why I don't trust him as he claims he did nothing wrong he needs to accept that I don't and that every time he acts weird with his phone like leaving it in the car or putting passcodes on it makes me suspicious. I don't think we will ever agree that his friendship with v was inappropriate and that he has behaved like a moron over her but we can't move on until he stops making me suspicious and puts some effort in to rebuilding this marriage

Ok. I get why you are pissed off and rightly so!!! However, I immediately picked up you have just gone on the mini pill. Has that made you worse? Just that I had to ditch BC as it made me a lunatic. Not saying there's nothing to be cross about here but you seem very wired and on edge. I totally get that!!

Yes polly i started taking the mini pill around the same time all this kicked off. I think I am peri menopausal so was suffering horrendous pmt sore boobs hot flushes etc for about 2 weeks before I came on. I did ask the dr if the mini pill could be sending me crazy as at times I think i am but that could be him twisting things and winding me up

The dr said no and prescribed antidepressants that I took then I stopped taking that and the pill as we had a mega row and I lost it but then started taking just the pill as I was starting my period and have got used to not having them now

I don't know if it's made me worse as I have never been in this situation before but I have shocked myself with my behaviour at times like screaming at him at 1 am and throwing his phone at him. When we have had other rows I have always managed to keep a lid on it so not to wake the kids but they have never been as serious as this

I think you move on by kicking him in to touch - he is doing you no good

Fair enough, nothing may have happened with 'v' but his handling of it only served to wind you up

Then there were the lies

He is still winding you up

You've worked out you can manage without him, by managing without him for a prolonged period.

He takes his wage and his bills with him and you sort tax credits etc out

Yes you've invested 22 yrs in this - but hopefully it wasn't all like this - your next 22 yrs with him will be, and likely worse

Give yourself a gift of moving on

I am just going to try and ignore it all until after Christmas I am still not well, busy with work and totally not organised for Christmas could happily cancel it this year but can't because of the kids. I will be civil with him and then re assess it in the new year. If he can't or won't see he has lost my trust then we can't move on. We are just going round in circles every time he locks his phone or starts leaving it in the car etc I wonder what he's hiding. I don't even expect him to agree that I have reason to not trust him as I have been trying to explain that for months but he has to accept that's how I feel in order for us to move on

it's like banging my head against a brick wall all i hear is I didn't do anything wrong I am allowed to have friends I don't have to tell u what they have said to me or when they text or ring me u have no reason not to trust me it's all in your head my phone is private u are my wife not my keeper blah blah. The porn twitter thing etc hasn't been mentioned since as I still can't get passed the whole v thing yet. I doubt myself after hearing his spiel then remember bits that have happened and think no I am right he was out of order he put her above our marriage and kids even the blooming horse arrangements made him not speak to dd because of his feelings for her. How everything I said to him got back to her and vice versa yet what she said to him was in confidence. How they had team dh and v and slagged me off. I feel hurt and betrayed by it all but at the same time it seems ridiculous when most of the arguments were over putting out her horse and i was only following dd wishes.

Yes polly i started taking the mini pill around the same time all this kicked off. I think I am peri menopausal so was suffering horrendous pmt sore boobs hot flushes etc for about 2 weeks before I came on. I did ask the dr if the mini pill could be sending me crazy as at times I think i am but that could be him twisting things and winding me up

Hmmm I'm perimenopausal too. I'd seriously consider coming off it if you feel it's making you worse, especially at such a stressful time as well. He is obviously winding you up and messing with you but you don't need extra hormones flying around at a time like this.

I'd like to back up Polly's point regarding the minipill. I was on it for a few years and thought I was developing depression, my relationship was going downhill and my libido all but disappeared. I eventually realized the pill was the cause and came off it. I didn't replace with alternative contraception and fell pregnant straight away and even though I had terrible morning sickness for five minutes my low moods went away. My libido also returned straight away, hence baby no 3's accidental conception.

I'm not kidding when I say the affect the minipill had on my mood lead to a discussion about separating at one point. It's definitely worth considering an alternative and I'm not confident that doctors prescribing fully understand the side-effects.

Bloody autocorrect - 5 minutes morning sickness would have been a breeze, it was unfortunately 5 months.

If you think the mini pill is affecting your mood then it's obviously worth reviewing it, however, your DH has given you plenty of reasons to feel the way you do so I don't think the mini pill can be blamed for that only for possibly how you handle your feelings.

Correct me if you think I'm wrong but I believe it's possible that you are unable to move on because a) DH is doing nothing to resolve this and b) it must be in your head that he moved out (rather than respecting you and ceasing so much contact with v) and moved back in when it appears v put an end to it.

well we survived Christmas and apart from a row with my sister on another post the kids had a good Christmas. V announced she was leaving the yard then changed her mind and is now back in the main yard in opposite stables how long that will last who knows oh and she's now single. He still hasn't got a passcode on his phone and I haven't felt the need to check but asked him if she had been in contact he said no. I may be stupid but I have been overly nice to him and slept with him over Christmas we were getting on great. Yet now she's not leaving and is single I feel like I was the only one making an effort and am obsessing over them being friends on facebook and all my thoughts of him being a twat have come back. Both him and dd have accused me of being mentally ill for being ok then dragging it all up again I am still on the mini pill not taking the Prozac the first dr gave me and not got the prescription for the other ad the other dr gave me although he did tend to agree it was my home life affecting me. its like flicking a switch moving on being all lovely then being evil dragging it all up again re reading all this. I discussed with him the mini pill may be effecting my mood and he was very understanding and told me to talk to him when I wasn't feeling right rather than doing anything rash so when v announced she wasn't leaving and is now single I text him and said I wanted him to show me he was committed to making this work and felt he should delete her on fb as she cut contact not him and he ignored me pfft

One of the young girls at the yard she about 9 said to dd I don't like v as she nearly split your mum and dad up not sure how she knows that but in my current state of mind I am like fuck it I will name and shame them both for what they have done and the hurt they have caused me and my kids. Iam not sure if I am mentally ill or not we played happy families over Christmas

Actually in my experience how you are acting is normal in the circumstances.

It goes back to what I said earlier about doubting whether you can 'get over it' without any real explanation or DH truly accepting his part in it all. You don't have any form of closure, you just had your DH rocking up home again and expecting everything to be ok.

I would tell them/him 'yes you are right, I am struggling to deal with what has happened, I need us to both work together, so if our marriage is important to you then come with me to counselling, I can't fix this on my own'. If he still refuses then I strongly suggest you go by yourself.

I don't know if v not leaving and being single has triggered this new rage or if it's I am coming to the end of my packet of the mini pill and this is when I would have pmt. one minute I was fine now I am angry all over again and going over it in my head