Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

He would seriously wake you up to tell you off for not waking him up so he could go to bed??
That was a rhetorical question by the way. No need to actually ask it, is there!!!0

Tell him to FUCK OFF, just to see what he says/does!!!!

I think I would.

so pleased for you, you sound so upbeat and 'on the up', and it is so much easier to stand up to people when you feel better.

WELL DONE

good for you mummy2 - see - he did DD's bottles etc when he had to and you weren't there.
You should just tell him you're off out more often.
Well done you!

Hi all - well today we have again had the mother of all rows (after the dc's were in bed thank goodness) .... apparently I am a selfish,lazy,fat cow {shock] for wanting to take this job!
This all stemed from the fact that I wanted to quickly pop into town yesterday morning before the banks closed to swap some money about. DH moaned when I said that I wanted to go without the dc's (so I could go quickly) ... he made such a fuss that ended up taking them both - he sadi that he wanted to get on with some DIY and couldn't do it with them there. At least he had done a little bit by the time I got home but then he upped and went out with his friend to look around a lake I said that ds would love to go with him but he didn't want to take him. Then today dh wanted to go fishing (because it is the last weekend before I start work) - I didn't object but he couldn't get himself organised, I did all the housework etc while he went out with his nephew and he got back (when the dc's were having a nap) only to go out again to look at a lake when they woke up - again he didn't want to take ds .... he came home in a really bad mood saying that he may aswell smash the house up because there was no point in him doing anything and that it was his last chance to go fishing today. I explained that he could still go in the evenings or even on a Saturday night as long as he was home in time for me to go to work on a Sunday (11:00am) but he said what if he wanted to go more than that, he works 1 in 3 Saturdays and my mum has said that she will have the dc's then, so I told dh when she was going on holiday and he said that he refused to swap his Saturday at work - he is sooo obstuctive, I explained that I need to do the job in order for us to get by each month but he said there are plenty of other jobs out there and his final comment was "I am telling you that youare not going to take this job" - I am back to square one again

crokey, are yu married to my husband too?
i've got one at home just like that, and things are getting so bad, so obstructive, that i feel i just want ou- i hit him today,i just can't stand the defeatest behavouur, like i'm letting him down all the time! do you think it's because once youv'e been at home for a while they just get used to it and come to expect that you should be there, so they can have what they want, and you at home where they know you are, or with the cjildren, because lets face it, there isn't a lot you can get up to whilst looking aftre children. i feel like i have to fight for independance.

fatbottomedgirl - I really am at a loss as to what makes him behave like this ... but it is driving me mad - I am so low at the moment, I just want him to go but when I tell him he just says he is not going anywhere, The worse thing about it is is that I am not silly,stupid or thick (as he like to tell me) I am a member of Mensa and have 11 O'levels and 3 A'Levels - it is him with no education - I have to remind myself of this a lot and that I am independant - I would hate to think what state I would be in mentally if I didn't have these facts to convince myself - IYSWIM? Where abouts do you live hun? I hate to think that somebody else is going through what I am

MummytoT&F

How much longer are you going to out up with his apalling behaviour for? He makes my blood boil, what an arse he is.
Have you thought about seeing a solicitor (free session), citizens advice etc so you can at least find out what your options are if you do decide to split. He isn't going to leave is he, but i'm sure there's lots of lovely people on here who can offer you some constructive advice. I'm glad you can re-assure yourself that he's talking crap, but I am concerned that he will wear you down and lower your self esteem even more. I'm worried about the effect on the children as well, if they see or hear these arguments. I honestly don't think he wants to be married to you, he definately wants you as a skivvy and to look after the kids but he has no respect for you and does nt want a marriage, or a partner.

Please look into leaving him, and talk to friends, family etc about this as his behaviour is disusting.

You're lazy because you're starting a job - riiiiight. He's just got this string of words he knows to be offensive, and just uses them, regardless of whether they mean anything at all or the opposite of what he meant to say. My STBXH discovered calling me a liar always pressed the button, as I have a very strict regard for the truth; until a couple of weeks ago I stopped trying to argue and just told him I was not going to discuss it any more if he was only going to hurl abuse. He called me a liar twice more just to be sure the children heard him getting the last word, and that that word was "liar", then he shut up. (Funny thing, he could have called me a selfish, lazy, fat cow and it wouldn't have been far off the truth, but then I wouldn't argue so there would be no fun in that.)

What yours is on about is a control thing. If you start meeting real human beings at work and earning some money (even if it does all go on household bills) you will start to get your own ideas and sense of independence. He is right to be afraid of that development.

Please speak to some fiends and you mother if necessay and make plans to LEAVE him. If he'sgoing nowhere then you may have to make the move. Do you own you house?

Next time he shouts abuse in front of the kids call the police and have him removed. Tell them you're afraid of his temper and don't want your dc's seeing him treat you like this. Then get a restraining order and change the locks. I don't think he deserves any kind of special treatment or consideration.

What would you tell your dd if her husband was treating her like this 30 yrs from now????

GET RID OF HIM.

Bandofmothers...absolute spot on advice.

Mummy2TandF..please keep posting to let us know how you are.

M2TF - how was your week? Have you started your new job yet?

Thinking of you and sending big hugs!

Mummy2

It's getting worse. He clearly can't cope with the thought of you working a few hours.

From what you say he also takes it out on the kids. Couldn't take out your ds but could take his nephew with him. WHAAAAAAAAT! How does ds feel when he won't take him out but takes cousim. FGS!!!!

You are clearly more successful than him. You do all this and he can't even get his shit together for a fishing trip. I think he's trying to make you feel low as he feels low. But that's not fair.

You keep picking him up from work and take him to town. DOES HE DRIVE?????? Does he drive you anywhere.

You could get him out if you got a lawyer.....

biggest hugs

I think you need to stop engaging with him as a partner and call women's aid, to be honest. Preventing you from working is domestic abuse, the law is quite clear about that.

And your children are absorbing this, and filing it all away as "Normal relationship behavior"

Mummy2TandF
I'm in an almost identical situation to you, right down to the verbal abuse, criticisms, trying to stop me working but criticising me as a lazy cow when I'm at home etc. I actually read your thread and wondered if we were sharing a husband!

The only difference is that I took my husband back a couple of years ago after we had split following a year of abuse, aggression, police being called, court and anti-molestation orders etc. He promised me that he'd change, found lots of semi-plausible reasons why it had all gone so badly wrong etc. I really wanted to believe him.

He has never changed. In fact things are worse in terms of the verbal abuse and criticism. If I stand up to him and refuse to accept the abuse and criticism it merely gives him the opportunity to have a major abusive aggressive argument. If I ignore it, he thinks I've accepted the criticism and he steps it up.

I keep the house immaculately clean, but according to him it is "filthy". I dote on my DC, but according to him I am a "crap s@@t mother." I haven't had a lie in or night out for 5 years (with 1 exception). He goes out frequently, lies in all weekend and yells if he is disturbed before 10.30am because he "has to work unlike you you lazy f@@k." I'm a very honest person, but according to him I am an "evil scheming liar." At times he has worn me down so much that he has actually made me question whether I am in fact a filthy, lying, lazy, crap s@@t mother.

I definitely feel like a single parent (people think I am too). I am rarely without my DC and feel totally exhausted, worn out and old. The house is now on the market and I'm looking to rent with DC.

My advice to you would be to get out and quick. Few relationships can recover when this type of abuse has gone on. I've learnt a very hard lesson in taking him back.

If you are married and both of you have your names on the deeds of the house, you will not be able to lock him out. You can however (if the police are called and he is arrested) ask for him to be bailed to another address for you and your children's safety.

IMO, the family courts are worse than useless at dealing with these situations. They'll see you hospitalised before they do anything. Emotional, financial and mental abuse are just not seen as serious issues by them (despite what the government claims). Move out and get on with your life without him.

Mummy to T&F, hope you are OK. Pippalongstocking- well done on being able to move on with the DC and away from all the abuse you have put up with.

Please,please,please,please....get out.
My friend was in a relationship like this it was a nightmare.He wasn't physically violent but like your h verbally.When my bf got out he continued to make her life hell because she still didn't stop him from continuing the abuse.When she did things got so much better.You can leave,You can make him stop,You can cope alone you already are.He is not worth your mental health being ruined.
You said that your ds has inherited your h's temper from 6months this was prob just because he knew you weren't happy.Dc's know when we are not happy even when we are trying to hide it.It does effect them.I'm not trying to make you feel worse but if you don't leave for your own sake do what my friend did and do it for them.
I think you are amazing to have put up with it this long.My thoughts and sympathies are with you.
You should not keep apologising mumsnet is about being able to speak your mind without fear etc.

Good advice, Pippi, glad you are escaping once again.

Mummy 2. How are you doing????
Any luck with the dictaphone??

{{{hugs}}}}}

I was going to post how things have calmed down - DH did have a moan (of course) when I got back from work on Saturday and he said that he wasn't going to look after them every weekend, but I just ignored him. But tonight we have just finished a major row! I went round to me friend this afternoon with the dc's and left at about 5:45pm - dh phoned on my mobile at 6:00 asking where I was, I told him we were on our way home from my friends and he just went into one saying that it was not on, he was home and I should be home when he gets there because he wants to see the dc's etc etc (which would be fine if he spent quality time witht them in the evenings) - I asked if he had picked up the mince for dinner like I had asked him and he said no, why should he do anything for me when I don't think of him and that I had better not stop on the way home to get some because he wouldn't eat it! - then he hung up on me - when we got home things were okay. He has now been asleep on the settee since he finished his dinner 8:00pm, so I have done a load of washing and tumble drying and cleared up and done dd's bottles, just woke him up to tell him I was going to bed and came up stairs (bringing dd's and ds's monitors with me) He shouted up the stairs "that's it - you just walk up the stairs without taking the ironing up, don't you worry I will do it!" so I called down that I had to come down again to sort more bits out and that I had my arms full the first time. I went back down with the hump and said that there was no need to shout up the stairs at me like that because I never leave ironing downstairs for the morning and he just went mental - he was calling me lazy, selfish and a phsyco(sp?) So I told him not to shout because the dc's were in bed but he said that he didn't care and carried on screaming at me - it all seems so silly when I type it - I told him I was fed up with him barking orders at me and expecting me to do them, I said how dare he shout up to me to take the washing up - why couldn't he do it as he had been asleep on the settee all night while I had done everything and that he needs to admit that he has a problem - He called me a stupid c*t and said if I didn't shut up he would smash me face in and told me to go to bed! I said he was ridiculous and that I didn't want to argue and went to come upstairs and he said that I had to go back and explain why he was ridiculous. I just said that his whole behaviour was a problem and he said "Yes - I know I have got a problem and my problem is called Mummy2Tand F!!! Now f*k off to bed before I really lose my temper and then it will be a problem" - He said that he was going to leave ..... and I said that i thought he should. He is now downsatirs blaming me that he can't sleep straight away now because he is too wound up and I am up here just about to go to bed. The thing is - I know that it will all be forgotton tomorrow and if I carry it on by being a bit down or bringing it up again then it will be my fault for carrying it on - Argh - I just want to scream! Sorry again - Night

Sorry didn't realise how long that was - anyway the dc's are still asleep (thank goodness), will try to post again tomorrow

m2taf, it is not you that causes him to be like this. he is a bully and he has to be in total control. he wants you to feel bad and scurry around him like a servant. it gives him a sense of power. he wants to control you and if wasn't actually you, it would be someone else. it is not personal.

do you get any enjoyment out of life at the moment? do you get to do anything for yourself? just so you're not miserable 24x7?

how is the plan with recording him going?

and that he threatens violence and screams regardless of the children is worrying.

have you thought about squirreling some money away in a secret bank account?

this is just to let you know that i think of you frequently and hope that you have some good days. i'm thankful that your children have such a wonderful mum.

GET OUT NOW. Because one day he will lose it completely and he will smash your face. That he blames uyou is ridiculous. He DOESN@T CARE about you. If he did he wouldn't treat you like a servant. He is a selfish, spoilt bully.
It will not be forgotten tomorrow as you will still be thinking about it. Remind him when he comes home that he said he was leaving you and that you agreed, then, don't back down.

What a pity you didn;t record all that!!!!!

Think the police would be quite interested in it.

MummytoT&F, where to start. Your post fills me with horror. Please read what others have said, this man is a controlling bully with no respect for you. he is trying to completely dominate every aspect of your life. How dare he tell you to take the washing upstairs. is he incapable of this task? Obviously so, I'd be throwing the washing at his head. As for the constant screaming and threatening of violence. Please get out of this relationship, how do you know he won't hit you or threaten the children. Please try and take a step back from this and think through how you would feel if this was a friend of yours. You really need to talk to someone about this, family, friends etc as you can't go through this alone. You really need to look into your legal rights, re-house, money etc in case things to a come to a head and you have to leave. Why are you married to this man? What do you get out of this relationship? is it worth all this abuse? Please, please think of leaving this man with your DC before they are damaged by him.