Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Also wanted to say what a pathetic twat he is for forgetting the mince for tea and then telling you not to stop and get some as he wouldn't eat it. Bloody good!!! Let him do without ot even better, choke on it!!!
Do you think he loves you, likes you? Wants to be married to you? Please please leave him. He is a bully, and i am concerned for your safety and also your children? How long until he turns his bullying tactics onto them?

what a terrible situation. it must be hard for you to think straight when you live like this. i know it is easy to look in from the outside and give advice but i cant help wondering what will it take for you to get some police help to escort him from the house - you would need it, i can tell.

him actually smashing your face in?
your son starting to yell at you in the same way?
your daughter begining to think that's what she should look for in a man?

women are killed every day by the men they live with.

you have the right to peace, you don't deserve this. don't be so beaten down that you think this is your only possible life.

get him out or move out or run away or whatever you have to do. nothing, no house, no money, no material thing, matters more than your safety, your mental health and your children.

i know it is easier to say than to do, but please please please think. just think.

i'm not having a go, i'm really not. i'm worried about someone in a terrible situation and some children who have no choice at all about how they are living.

m2taf, please don't stop posting. some posts might seem strong, but that's because people are worried about you. we all want you to be safe and happy.

we're here for you whenever you want support.

overwhelmingly though, we want you out of there!

Thanks again for all your posts - I know what you are all saying - if I was a friend of mine I would be saying exactly the same thing, but I have worked so hard at this relationship and have got everything I dreamed of as a little girl (Married, House, Perfect dc's etc) all except the verbal abuse. I would hate to throw it all away, even if it is a lonely life atm. Dh text me this morning saying that he was soory for calling me a c**t - I can't remember the last time that he apologised for something, so my ranting must have hit home on some level. He will be home late again tonight as he is going to look around a lake and this weekend he is fishing Friday, I am working Saturday (so is he) so my mum has the dc's , he is going fishing on Sunday and on Monday - so I don't know how he can moan about me working the weekends because he never wants to do anything as a family - anyway dd has just woken up so I have to go but will pop back later - thanks again everyone

You are not living... trust me.

The things your H says to you reminds me of how my ex dh treated me... the threats and verbal abuse... But please, get out and take your children with you. You can still have your dream, but with peace and feeling much better about yourself! You can do it!!!

If he is threatening you, do you not think he would threaten your children in order to hurt you? Is your H on drugs? His mood swings do not sound normal, not even for someone who might be depressed...

I know it is hard, but think of your children and get them out to safety. What if he looses it when one of your dc's are crying and he smacks them out of anger/rage?

Please listen to all who have posted and leave him. You don't deserve this!

I'm not sure that telling you that your H could end up injuring you or the children is the best thing really. He may not - may be clever enough to stick to the verbals and secondly you obviously don't believe it will happen. Also as we know people in situations of domestic abuse often just put up with it for all sorts of reasons. That's also why I suspect you aren't doing the dictaphone thing. I doubt the police would get involved in verbal abuse anyway, although I still agree that it would be a good idea to confront him with the evidence of his own bullying. But I think you have to balance the childhood dream of marriage and a home with the reality. Is it worth trying to hold on for a dream of what you hoped it would be when it is actually something rather different and unlikely to change the way things are going? I think you need to get to a point where you can do something conclusive soon, rather than just hoping he will calm down. He may not hit them (or you) but the DCs are surely being emotionally damaged just the same? For everyone's sake get some support from your family and start to put an end to all this.

I remember when I was 12. My mum and my step dad came home from a party. He was always very grumpy and impatient, esp with me and my bro, who were not HIS children. He pushed me down the stairs once, and used to smack me so hard he left handprints on my skin.
This particular time was shortly after my mum had returned to work. He was jealous of her new friends and that she was invited to socialise with them, at the pub probably. They had been to a party, where he got quite drunk. He started arguing and having a go at her, and when they left he jumped on her from behind, thumped her and nearly pulled her earring out.

She wouldn't let him come back with her unless their friend came too. I remember hearing them shouting, and laying in bed terrified. He terrified me anyway, especially when he shouted. After a while he stayed down with his fried and my mum came to bed. I lay awake for hours listening to her sob herself to sleep, too scared to go in to cuddle her in case he was around.

I told her years afterwards about it, and she cried and said she wished I had come in to her. She left him asap and took me with her. He of course, begged and apologised and all that shit. She NEVER thought he would have done anything like that to her despite his grumpy nature. And for her it was not acceptable.

Please don't assume it will never happen. And don't assume your children, although much younger, don't hear what is happening. You should try to get out before they are old enough to understand what is happening. I would never let any man treat me like that, and I thank my mum for teaching me that it's NOT acceptable.
Finis.

Mummy2, how are you doing. Have you given up on MN???

Are you ok???

M", am worried about you. You haven't posted for over a month and I haven't seen you signed in to MSN either. Are you ok. Are you somewhere with no computer???

If you see this please reply even if it's just a or something.

Bandofmothers - , thank you sooo much for still thinking about me - you missed your opertunity to get away there .... am still here but I lost the harddrive on the computer and have had to start rebuilding from scratch (which is not one of my specialist subjects) I think I have done as mush as I can do now
Things here are no better really - probably worse infact, I took the job and am really enjoying it but I have to deal with dh phoning me everytime I am there and screaming and swearing down the phone at me that if I don't come home he will leave the dc's on their own (which he would never do!) But he says that he can't cope with them and every time I come home from work he demands that I give the job up So far I have avoided it but it has made our relationship even worse - just before I left for work on Sunday, he began throwing everything out of my kitchen cupboards to look for a dummy for ds (who hadn't had one for 3 weeks) just so that he would be quite for a minute, and when he couldn't find one he said that I had to get someone else to look after my dc's because he was going out ..... he didn't go but his constant demands, orders and ultimatums{sp?) are really getting me down. Sorry for long post again but you did ask

I did indeed.

Glad you are ok.
Sorry he's still being a fuckwit.

Have you tried, Why the fuck should I quit my job they're your kids too. Stop being such a baby, grow up and spend some proper time with them.
LOL, like that would work

So are you just still plodding or are you planning your escape??

Any luck with the dictaphone??

No luck at all with the dictaphone - he is just so unpredictable, that I really can't catch him! I even tried leaving it on all day the other day but all he did was say that he didn't want to saty in with me because I am a waste of space and he went out - I can't seem to get him when he is being really horrible - I have tried the, they are your kids aswell but this week he said that he defn wasn't going to look after them again because he gets so stressed with ds 2.5 that he ends up loosing his temper and shouting and screaming at him - I caught him calling him a horrible child to his face the other day - he said that I better get someone else to look after them or give up the job before ds ends up with a broken arm or something and then it would be my fault - I don't reallt believe that would happen but now he has said it, it is always going to be in the back of my mind and I don't have anyone that would look after the dc's and I am really enjoying the job (selfish I know)

Glad you're enjoying the job - you deserve it.

I thought his reaction would be like that and now taking it out on kids. Shows his sh**ty attitude.

You sound amazing, he sounds like he's bringing everyone down but can't function without you.

Seriouly, isn't it about time you made plans to ditch him and free up your time to be the person you want to be?

Mummy2T andF, Your d(!)h is a tosser, to be blunt. But he won't change because he has no reason to. Leave him. ASAP. It may be the impetus he needs to address his controlling, emotionally abusive and violent behaviour. Or it may not. But at least you won't be under threat of having your face smashed in or having your dc hear their mother described as a cunt by the man who is supposed to love and care for her. Call Women's Aid. Put all your documentation like passports, birth certs, bank statements etc for you and the children in an envelope and give them to someone trusworthy for safekeeping. Put together a small suitcase of essential clothing for everyone and hide just in case you need to make a quick getaway at any stage.

if you won't leave for yourself please leave for your children. You know he will never change so get out and let your children have a childhood they deserve.

Sorry M2, but threatening the kids would be the ultimate for me. If you didn't spit in his face and leave right then , then I think you are a fool.

I'm sorry, I really like you, but I think one day it will happen and you will rue the chance that you had to leave him before it happened and didn't.

Did you read my post about my stepdad??? My mum never thought he'd do it either, and he never threatened her, or was any where near as bad as your H is.

But he DID IT. He beat her up. He pushed me down the stairs once, and he smacked my little brother so hard on the leg when he was about 5 that he wet himself.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, please.

M2TF - I am so glad to read that you are enjoying your job. Your first real taste of independence! Now, what are you going to do to move forward to keep this independence going? You are strong enough to make a change but if you need motivation, think of your children.

Re-read what Bandofmothers has posted and yeahbuts post... you are strong enough to leave this abusive relationship. You can still have your dream. It is clear that this overbearing manipulative selfish sod does not want to have this dream with you.

We have all been in a relationship where we have tried/made excuses for not leaving someone we love (it will get better/I just need more patience and understanding/I know he loves me and would never hurt me). But you are losing yourself in this.

I too live for my family and do all I can to meet their needs but my husband is there to support me and I him. We are a team.

Please, start thinking about yourself and what your children need. They need their mom around to be healthy (mentally and physically). The longer you stay, the more resentment they will have towards their (ahem) father. He is no role model.

You need to leave him sweetie.

A 'normal'person who it would be worth fighting to save a relationship with would never, ever threaten to hurt your child.

bump

Thanks everybody and I know exactly what you are all saying - if I was a friend of mine I would be telling them the same things! Dh seems to have calmed down again - mind you he has been fishing the last couple of nights straight from work and hasn't been getting in until gone 9pm when of course the dc's are in bed and then has been sleeping on the settee, so no arguments to report. I am organising the Essex Mile For Maude, so I am not working tomorrow because that is the walk day, so he only needs to have the dc's on Sunday this week .... I find myself hoping that ds has a "good" day so dh won't find it hard! Next weekend I am away for the whole weekend for a work training course so I will need to beg my mum to have the dc's or at least one of them!

Glad you are not backing down over the job, and have fun with the training course. You might even be able to have a night out

Hope you wont be mad at me, but I just have to say very loudly
YOUR DH IS A FUCKWITBOLLOCKYBASTARDCOWARDLYCUNTINGPRICK

I feel a bit better now. Sorry

Hi Bandofmothers - I am really looking forward to next weekend, a couple of nights where a meal is cooked for me and I don't have to do any housework what will I do with myself? SLEEP!!!!
Well last night was horredous here - it is much too long to post but the upshot of it was that 1:30am this morning we were laying in bed and DH was shouting at me to shut my big fat mouth because he was right and I was wrong and that if I didn't go on the compuuter or have my job, he would have had a work jumper ready for him for this morning (there was one in his wardrobe BTW), he then said that I am always quick to do things for other people (he meant organising the Mile For Maude Walk) but that I never do anything for the family - I then answered back because how dare he say anything about me, especially when I am organising things for such a good cause!!! And he said that if I didn't shut up he was going to elbow me in the face and I would Die - I told him that I wouldn't put up with him speaking to me like that and if I were to call the police and tell him what he said they would come and remove him - he said go on then call them (which I didn't) Then he told me to go and sleep in another room , why should he order me around all the time? I had had enough so I got up and went downstairs, he was shouting at me from the bedroom and although I couldn't hear him he did wake ds up , so dh than came downstairs and kicked all of ds's toys around the living room telling me it was my fault that ds was awake ....... well I have decided that tonight I am going to tell him that I WILL NOT put up with being spoken to like that and that I think he should leave .... soory i said that the full version would be long but this is long enough ... I have too much to do now but will try to pop back later to update you

Oh God Ifound this thread again...it has made me feel sick!!

Please leave him.Please please please...he is going to hurt you or your children.

He threatened to elbow you in the face!!! Why oh why did you not call the police?

Mum23girls - sorry for making you feel sick, I am just building up the courage to actually make a proper stand ... I am not so much scared of him because he is normally just all talk (although the talk is abusive) but it is more the fact that we are married, have a nice home etc ... the thought of ruining all that makes me feel sick and I know, I know - it is not doing me or the dc's any good but it is going to take a lot of stength for me to actually do something and to be honest my confidence isn't all that at the moment, I think that might be a problem - Sorry, here I am going on again