Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Oh God, this is terrible. Please, please take some action over this and leave him. I know it's hard, and especially when there are children involved, but his behaviour sounds as though it is getting progressively worse. He has just threatened to kill you! This is not a man you should be living with, you need to get away from him as soon as possible, and remove your kids from him urgently.
Good luck. I hope you're okay. Take care xx

I am not having a go at you,and please don't apologise to me. I feel sick for you,not because ofyou.
The nice house you have is your prison. A house should be a homenot a status symbol.I understand it's scarey for you but you are choosing this awful life for your children...will they ever thank you for it?

If you went tosee a solicitor and got an injunction against him there's every chance you could keep the house anyway until the children are adults.

Mummy2TandF

Just one message, then I won't bother you again. The man you loved has gone. The man you are living with is dangerous - both to you and your children. Please get him out of your life as soon as possible - please.

You don't have to live with the fear any more. You can see a solicitor, change the locks, go to a refuge with your children and be safe. Just think, no-one swearing at you, no constant round of fear and nerves because you haven't made dinner or cleaned the loo. No racing through the traffic, late again, with your heart pounding and head aching because you know he's going to scream at you for being five minutes late. No more of your children watching and learning that it's OK to be abusive to mummy.

Be aware, when you do take steps to take back the power in your life he will turn up the abuse - as he seems to be doing now - to seek to retain control. So, for your own protection you do need to be careful about how you do this - there are plenty of people here who can help you. I don't see why you should have to loose the house, though.

In your shoes, I would write him a reasonable letter about why you are leaving him, change the locks on the house one day while he is at work and leave his stuff on the doorstep. And make sure I had a friend who could come and stay for a couple of weeks to keep me safe when he starts to seriously kick off.

Good luck

Oh Sweetie, You do have the strength. Look how well you are doing at your job, you enjoy it, you are good at it, you will be ok without him.
You may have a nice home but it will be a happy home too with out him in it.
I know it's hard, I KNOW, it's hard, but you will be better off and happier, and the T and F will be happier too. Sure it'll be hard, but really apart from financial, what doe she really contribute?? Nothing, but aggro. Which surely you can do without.
Don't lose heart, be strong. You really CAN do it.
Psych yourself up and do it.
Don't back sown if he's not grumpy or angry thinking he's ok now, he's not.
Even if [chuckle] he's in a good mood Still do it.
YOU WILL BE OK. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH.

YOU WILL BE HAPPIER. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT

YOU REALLY CAN..........((((HUGS)))))

And good idea about arranging for some one to stay while you do it in case he kicks off.

Don't assume he wont be a danger to you or dc's.
If you take away his power, and his choice, he will lash out at you. It's the only way he knows of being in control. It's the only way he knows to have power over you. To cow you and keep you down.

Stand tall and don't let him, but protect yourself too.

Crikey moses!i have only just joined and read this thread from end to end. im not sure my opinion will add anything new and most things have been said before. but it all seems a little odd (don't jump on me yet).. a four month catalogue of verbal abuse, threats of violence. I haven't been in controlling relationship, tho my mother was and ended up physically attacked as was i and my bro (who was only 3mths at the time) she had a support network of her family around her and perhaps thats what you lack? or clearly think you lack? what springs out is a complete lack of self esteem which must go back to when you yourself were growing up - either you have a broken background or witnessed such relationship behaviour, you clearly do not rate yourself alongside either your peers or your sibling (re: mum looks after nephew but wouldn't be willing to look after mine). You have clearly become normalised to his behaviour and much as i am loath to suggest it feel in some way that you deserve it, it is almost as though you are punishing yourself, letting him verbalise thoughts perhaps you have? you recognise that this is not normal behaviour because you have posted less frequently and the thoughts expressed here are clashing. Ps i am a trained nurse and law student and have worked in A&E so please, allow that i some direct experience. You know deep down that he will become abusive physically and i suspect that once he does you will either seek some means of escape away or try to justify his behaviour in terms of him being out of control. i suspect you would try to justify it on here where you know that people will put him down in support of you. I am so sorry if this sounds harsh, it really isn't meant to, it just seems like you are martyring yourself. You are trapping your children unintentionally into repeating this behaviour. esp your son, who probably knows more about what is going on than you think.i do hope everything works out for you and that you take on board what has been said here. seek help now. another four months and i suspect you may be physically attacked but more importantly the children may be. if they aren't already without your knowledge. i hope this shocks some sort of response into action. i do hope it works out for you eventually.

Mummy2TandF, can i just say, in response to your fears about ruining your marriage and home and all that if you leave - it's already done, and it's not been done by you, it's been done by him.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. Dear God, please, please leave him.

Go go go.If not for yourself then for your children - they need their mum strong and healthy not in bloody hospital.

It will be hard but no harder than this constant onslaught of crap from him. You sound dynamic and competent so you must get out of this abusive situation before you are beaten by it.

WTF - telling you to get out of the bedroom.
WTF - waking up ds and then kicking his toys around.
WTF - threatening you with violence

How on earth does he cope at work is what I want to know. No I don't actually, I don't give a stuff about someone who is perfectly content being a sh*t.

Seriously, he could lash out - who's going to look after your kids then.

hi Mummy2T&F - i have noticed you are in Essex as you organised the M4M in essex - i am also in Essex (not quite sure where you are) and not sure if i can be any help but CAT me if you need. Take care ...

mummy2..

i hope your ok

i hope you've had the strength tonight to do it!

thinking of you xx

MummytoTandF, I hope you are okay. Thinking of you x

Hello everyone and once again thanks for your messages and for thinking of me
Taylormama - I don't have CAT but I think I have your email address from the Mile For Maude Walk, thank you for the offer
tinytoessize4 - Thanks for reading the post but I have to disagree with you on a few points, you said that I deserved this treatment and I disagree! I don't think that anybody deserves it as it makes for a miserable life, I don't feel that I have posted clashing thoughts on here, it is just nice to be able to express what and how I am feeling at a particular time and the final point was where you said that I posted on here becuase I knew that people would put dh down in support of me That is not my intention at all, to be honest I wasn;t sure whether people would put him down and that wasn't what I posted for - I don't know whether you have ever been in a similar situation but sometimes it helps to get things straight in your mind by writing them down and to get other peoples perspectives - of course deep down I knew that things were not right but as I am not a confrontational person I wasn't sure whether I was over reacting and not really sure how to approach things. Aslo the original thread was about how little dh does around the house and how stressed and worn out I was feeling - things just progressed from there and I ended up opening up. This thread has been great for me, on some of the worse days the chat on here has helped me get back on track and it has given me an escape in a way .... am sorry to go on but your post has upset me

So how are things now M2T&F?

Did you manage to speak to him?

Mumto3girls - Sorry, that's why I cam on here - to post what happened but I got sidetracked! I did manage to speak to him - he came home from work and we didn't speak, he put ds to bed and then went straight out to the shed and didn't come back in the house until 10:45pm, when he did come in I was tryin to think of how to start the conversation when he said - "I am sorry for last night" he said that he was not calling me names but just shouting in general. I said that it was not good enough and that he should be able to control himself and that I was unprepared to take it any more! He of course said that it was because I wind him up, so I said toh him that arguing was perfectly normal and that wasn't my issue it was the way that he shouts, screams and verbally abuses me that is the problem! I said that any man that can shouts, scream and swear at their wife 2 hours after they have given birth to a baby has to have something wrong with them and I told him I was worried that ds would end up like him or that dd would end up with somebody like him. He was just quite - I told him that I wouldn't put up with one more incident like that and that if it did happen then I would take the children and go .... He said that he knew that and didn't want that to happen, so that is where we are at the moment. Have to go to Playgroup now but will pop back later.

Well doneyou!! That sounds like a huge step to have taken.

Now the really hard bit is sticking to your word. If the next time (and there will be one I'm sure) that he loses his temper and starts throwing things or screaming and abusing then you must take the children and goand stay with your mum or afriend.

Don't let him think that you are too scared to follow up with action!!

And well done again!

im sorry that my post upset you. it wasn't mean t to. i didn't write that you deserved it - no one does and i have some experience to an extent - i wrote that subconsciously you felt like you deserve it. you don't. i get the feeling that you haven't been told a lot in life that your valuable and loved. it wasn't my intention to be confrontational as i am a equilibrium loving person too, and getting others perspectives is necessary but i think the length of time it has taken and the views you have got suggest that a definite final stand is needed. either deciding to stick it out knowing he won't change (you have given him plenty of opportunity) or leaving and facing an uncertain future free from recriminations, free to start valuing yourself, growing independently, giving your children a security that they don't have. there is help out there its taking that first step and finding/ringing the numbers and realising that the situation is not your fault. if you need the numbers of organisations then i can pass them on to you, if you are ready. im glad that you gave him an ultimatum but you need to stand by it now. good luck.

((((((((((((HUGS M2T&F)))))))))))))))))

WELL DONE, that is such a huge step to take and I'm so glad you found the strength. I hope it felt good.
And I really hope that you stick to your word and do it.
I am sorry to say, please don't be upset, that I will be absolutely amazed if it doesn't happen again. But for him to take responsibility for his actions is also huge. I just hope he means it.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't tho. Just stoney face him and leave.
Have you got some money put aside for the leaving so you can find somewhere to stay.
What I mean to say is have you got a plan. Cos if you have it will be easier for you to carry out.
I am so proud of you(in a non-condescending way)
Keep us posted Sweetie.

mmuumy2, what a positive step! please do stick to your word though, or your just giving him the message that your threats are idle!

Message withdrawn

Omg, just read the whole of this
I do hope that things are improing, if not, I hope you are seeking help to get this man out of your life.

{{hugs}}

Yeah!! M2TF - Wow!!! You must have felt so empowered! Keep to your course - you have set a boundary and told him the consequences should he cross it. Very well done!!!

...whatever you do, do NOT let your guard down completely. My ex used to apologize for calling me names and for threatening physical harm. Things would be great for a week and then it went back to the verbal abuse.

Whatever you can squirrel away incase you need to up and leave would be a good idea (i.e. call a cab or buy food for kiddies in a hurry).

Thinking of you and sending hugs

Hi all Have been really bust lately with the dc's during the week and working every weekend now - I don't seem to get time to post! Well, we have had no more big flare ups here from DH, but I am still getting the miserable pessamist. But I suppose we can't ask for miracals(sp?) I am starting to think that maybe I will never be happy becasue now there have been no major screaming sessions or threats, his selfishness is really bugging me .... maybe it is me, can I have your honest opinions DH has just had a week off of work, I said I wanted to take dc's to a museum on of the days as a family but he said he couldn't let me know a day because he wanted to go fishing, so I told him that I would take them on my own if he couldn't commit a day, I won and we went on Monday. Tuesday morning at 3:00am he went fishing, fished all day, came home at 11:30pm (with a friend) and had something to eat and went back out again fishing, he fished all night and all of Wednesday AND Wednesday night + came back about 3:00am Thursday morning. I took ds to playschool on Thursday morning and asked if I could leave dd with him to save dragging her out, he said no cos he was tired, I collected ds at 1:00pm and went home, DH was asleep on sofa, I sugested we did something in the afternoon but he said he was going fishing again and promptly got up and went until 11:15pm, when he text me to run him a bath Am I wrong to expect him to spend some time with us when he has a holiday from work? ...... Sorry, once again I have gone on and on but just needed other opinions

how will your future be with him do you think?
will he change do you think?
do you think your dc are getting effected by all these events? and will they be effected in the future? this is very important i think.
i saw many good advices given here.
i think you have to decide.
the thing from all the thread I saw is you doing all the work, he is escaping by going fishing, etc?
do they go fishing so often?
wish you happiness.
good luck
xxx

Ummmmmmm, if DH took a week off work then spent the majority of it doing something fun on his own I would be so furious. It is supremely selfish. I HATE selfishness.
Mummy2, I see red if I don't get a lie in on one of DH's 2 days at the weekend. If he has the audacity to imply that he deserves 2 lieins and me none then I am so mad he KNOWS about it. Good Grief woman, that is selfish enough for me to have a fight with him about.
Your DH is implying that he is more important than you, and the kids. His actions say I need more sleep than you, I need more free time to myself than you. I can put myself before you and the kids cos I am more important than you.
In a partnership you take turns, be it for a lie in, a night out, a day off. Whatever, but you take turns.
Sweetie, when was the last time he gave you anything?? Not material things, but equality, time to yourself, RESPECT.

He is selfish to the extreme, but you still blame yourself, you still think you're being unreasonable for being annoyed with selfishness instead of verbal abuse.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.

He is pathologically self centered.