Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Luciemule, you aren't, just don't check this thread very often as mummy 2 is not on much. MK might be a good place. Care to join us? Where are you??

His controlling I think is very deliberate (forgetting mother's day card).

What did this man do on his week off?

Think think think your way out of this situation - plan for your future. I feel exhausted just reading what you have to do and his overwhelming lack of support and obstructiveness. Think about all that you do now and think more about what you achieve if you didn't have him to run around and hold you back.

Enjoy your time out.

Somerset at the moment but would have gladly met up. I'm actually moving to Suffolk in the summer, near to essex border but not sure where Mummy 2 is exactly in Essex, otherwise I'd definitely meet up if she was up for it.

He went fishing in his week off!!!
Selfish!!!

Madrose - his parents don't really know the full extent - I do drop a few hints about his temper when I see them, to hs mum but she is not one to keep her mouth shut and just says that he gets his temper from her .... mind you she does tell me that I do too much and that I should put my foot down, I don't think she realises how verbal he is and she is a very verbal lady, so wouldn't be able to understand how I get shouted down IYSWIM - she does absolutly nothing in her marriage, she takes pride in telling me that she hasn't done the hoovering for 34 years
bandofmothers - Sorry that I am not on here more, can't seem to find the time until really late at night
luciemule - The interview was for weekend work - Saturdays 9-6 and Sundays 11-5:30 but it is every weekend and I am not sure whether he would cope with the dc's .... I am willing to try though, the money isn't brilliant but I thought it would give me a break to get out (even if it is only working) but the more I think about it I realise that I would still have to come home after a day at work and get everything done, so would it wear me down more? Also dh was more than happy for me to go for it because it meant more money coming in .... until he realised that he wouldn't be able to go fishing No he says that it is selfish of me because it means he will get no time to himself

Mummy 2 he is selfishness personified. No time for fishing

I am lost for words. Really
And I wasn't having a go about you not being on much. I am on too much when I should be doing housework and playing witht ehdc's. Think you have your priorities better sorted.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Cos I think you deserve some. Have a good Mother's Day.

bandofmothers - I didn't think you were having a go ... Had more to say but dh has just come up and said that he wants to go to bed and that I spend too much time on the pc and if it's not off by the time he has washed and changed he is going to throw it out of the window He has been asleep all night on the sofa, while I have been doing housework Anyway, am off - speak later

It'll be nice for a while at least for your DH to have the kids all weekend - once you start work. Even if it means he doesn't sort out the house whilst you're away - he may realise that he really enjoys spending time with them and get into doing his own thing with them. He might need that time to become a better daddy - at the moment he lets you do everything as he can becuase you're there but once you're not, he might take the opportunity to make things right.
As for your MIL not doing any housework - perhaps your DH is worried you'll get like her so acts the way he does to make sure he doesn't get treated like his dad!!!
You going out to work could a be really positive thing I reckon.

Good point Luciemule, or he'll perhaps, at the very least, realise that looking after the kids and keeping the house in any kind of order and cleanliness is NOT as easy as he seems to think.
AND mummy2, you tell him that after everything you do in a day you should be allowed to do what you want once the kids are asleep, and when he's sleeping on the sofa!!!
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?????????? He can't dictate what you do to relax!!!
I'm so angry I have to go....................

the feeling i get is that it doesn't matter one jot what you do, he's going to look for something. so you could clean 24 hours a day and he'd still find fault. the problem is not with you or what you do, the problem is with him.

can you make recording him top priority? every day this continues is a day wasted. you deserve sooooo much better.

Think you might be right warthog. Mummy2 could slave all day and he'd still point to a microbe of baby puke on her sweater and say, "God woman, you look a mess, anyone would think we're tramps if they saw you in that."

Hi all - I hope that you have all had great mothers days - Needless to say that I haven't .... it is now 9:14pm and I am still waiting for any sort of card or pressies from my dc's (although they are only 2.4 and 19 wekks) so dh really
I was up at 7:00am with the dc's, got them both washed and dressed and fed and watered, dh got up at about 8:30am, I said that I wanted to get out early because we had to go and see his mum (who lives about an hour away)and my mum, and my sister had invited us round for dinner. We were ready to go at 10:00am and then he said that he wanted to go into town first because he wanted to get me a card from the dc's and a present - I drove him into town and he wanted me to wait in th car with the dc's while he went shopping but I wasn't going to do that, so we all went for a mooch - we left town at 11:30 and went to my mums and then to his mums - we left there at 4:00 to go to my sisters when I said that we couldn't stay too late at my sisters because I didn't have dd's last bottle with me - he said that I could collect it when I dropped him off at homw , so I had to drive past my sisters house to come home to drop him off Then I had to turn up at sisters and try to explain that he didn't want to come, I got home at about 7:30pm, so I could put the dc's to bed and he wasn't even in .... but there was a pile of his washing on the floor in front of the washing machine that he obviously wanted doing - He got in at about 8:30pm and said that he had been to help his nephew out with some painting ... but as I said I am still waiting for any sort of card present or just some acknowledgement that it is mothers day - he hasn't even made me a cup of tea today I don't know why I exect any different but I am still hoping that one day he will surprise me by actually thinking of me before the day! .. In respect of the job - I agree that it may make him realise what is involved in running the house, but I am pretty sure that I would still have to come home and do everything after a day at work The other thing is that at the moment we get some tax credits (at a higher rate because dd is so young) and if I take the job we will lose those, so we will actually be worse off - which won't help his mood at all - I hate being in that situation but since dh lost his job and had to take a lower paid one it seems to be par for the course. - OMG what a long post again - sorry anyway - enjoy the rest of your day everyone

I'm sorry you had a pantsy day. Do you think DH could be slightly depressed about the job situation, and maybe he felt he lost a little bt of control, and one way is to be controling of you and the home.

My DH was like this during a extremely stressful time in his life.

I know the job won't be of help financially, but it might help to redefine your 'role' - ie he might feel he should help more - some men really don't realise what is involved with raising children and think mums have it easy and that they (the dhs) are hard done by.

BTW very impress with what you do each day - where do you get the energy.

Shock at MIL - was hoping you might get some support from them.

Has he given a card yet?

When did your DH change jobs? Do you think it's making him depressed having to do a lower paid job and the stress that goes with it?
It sounds like you'd be better off not working for the time being as you get the extra tax credits. I guess if it makes you feel better to get out on your own though, you'll have to weigh it up if it's not too much of a drop.
Do you have many friends where you live that you see regularly or do you go to a baby group with DD? I guess with DS it's a handful doing that though - I remember having to take my DD with me until she went to school last spetember and it was more hassle than it was worth. It wasn't a nice, relaxing chance for me to chat to the other mums at all as she was playing with the baby toys and generally being a rascal. I now try to go to the toddler creative tots group but to be honest, it's a bit boring so have given up going lately. I can't wait to go back to work once kids are older just so I can chat to people about something other than nappies and housework!!!

Hi all - dh lost his job and had to take a lower paid one just after ds was born - so nearly 2 and a half years now, I don't think that bothers him - he is not one of these men that feels it is his responsibility to earn the money, when I did work, I always earned more than him and he wasn't woried by it in the slightest. Also, when I worked I did longer hours than him but still had to come home and cook, clean etc - he has never been any different - so maybe it is me that has the problem, just because I have the dc's now - why should I expect him to change (although I have had to change!) - If I do take the job (assuming they offer it to me) we would be roughly £80 a month worse off than we are at the moment and tbh we are living from hand to mouth as it is - If t was winter now I would defn take it but I am not sure about being worse financially and also not having any weekends free durng the summer ... will have to see if they offer it.
Luciemule - Yes I do go to groups - I take ds to a toddler group on Wednesdays and Fridays, we meet a wife of one of dh's friends on Thursdays and I normally see my bf once a week - but tbh with ds and dd and everybody elses dc's we don't really get a chance to talk properly

Oh forgot to say - He gave me the cards at 10:15pm .... one says "take the day off, you deserve it" - shows he doesn't read the words

Hi mummy2 - I'm glad that you do get out and see friends - I was a bit worried that you stayed in and only ever saw the 4 walls, DCs and DH! I was also trying to chat about other things than your DH's behaviour so you didn't think we were constantly nagging you!
Good he gave you the card - 10:15 though - you could always say "I'm going with what your mother's day card says and taking next saturday off"!
What job did you used to do? Are you going for the same sort of job now?
Last year I was thinking I could waitress a few nights a week - mainly to get out really but DH wasn't keen and said that it's a struggle in the day for me so I should relax at with him at night and not worry about it. I just wanted time to myself though and thought the extra money would be good too. I really miss the social side of having a job and once DS is at school - will be definitely going back to work.

Hi Mummy2T&F,

I feel so sad for you, what a horrible weekend with your H. He's such an arse and is treating you so badly. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'm so shocked by his ongoing behaviour. He knew you were going to your sisters for mothers day yet he deliberately makes you take him into town to buy you a card, thereby undoing all you plans and making you late. He deliberately gives you your card late, as well as the general ongoing treatment of you as a skivvy. Reading your posts as an inpartial observer, I would say this man has no respect for you and is deliberatly hurtful in his actions. Are you sure he wants to be married? He is certainly behaving like he lives in a hotel and is living like a single bloke - he doesn't help with any house stuff of help with the kids. Really what is the point of living with him?
I am concerned for you and your children, how do you see the future few years working out? Could you talk to your health visitor? I think you need to talk things through with someone impartial, counsellor, relate etc. I'm sure he won't go with you but I think you would benefit from talking matters through. Hope you find the strength to take some action as you can't go on like this.

Leave him leave him leave him leave him...Please do something about him. I canot bear tot hink of anyone beinf treated with such a lack of respect and no care o affection...

Just a quick one - they offered me the job yesterday DH is NOT a happy bunny ... he said that it would mean that he would be working 7 days a week I explained that I already do this and it would be good for us (although financially I don't know that it will) ... I have decided to accept anyway - if it doesn't work out I can always leave but I don't want to regret turning it down IYSWIM. It is much better to regret having done something thatn to regret not having done it - if that makes sense.

Of course it makes sense. Congratulations on getting the job. Proves you're not the useless lump HE claims to think you are...

Well done. Sod him, will let him have a peep into your world. Doe she think you can just put the dc's away when you've had enough of them!!????
MEN

M2TandF, Congrats on the job! A small victory towards looking out for yourself!

Try and put just a little bit of $ aside for YOU. It was the best piece of advice my ex MIL told me when I was having problems with my ex. Don't let your H know about it. Just tell him you spent it on coffee but put just a little something aside for you. I know you mentioned that money was tight, but don't let your H convince you to use that extra $ on a new fishing rod or something that will benefit him.

Congrats on your job M. I've just skimread this thread and what stands out for me is that you seem so controlled by him that you are terrified of doing anything against the norm. Your posts go into things in such detailed lists that it seems like you have been programmed. I felt I had to post as I recognise so much of my ex in him. This guy is a bully and a control freak and he's got away with it for so long it is unlikely that he will change. The control over the years has been like a constant drip, drip that you now just run on automatic pilot. I don't mean this to sound like an insult. You are a saint. You are a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife but you do not deserve to be treated the way you have been. I'm not going to lecture or tell you what to do, I think you already know girl. You have strength within you that you don't realise. Good luck and hugs!

Thanks everyone for your congratulations - dh is still not happy - but I think I need this, I went out last night with the girls I used to work with and had a great night didn't get in until 12:00am and dh had even done dd's bottle when I got in (which I was not expecting) .... and I have had my hair done , so am feeling a little better in myself. DH on the other hand is still the same, he has been asleep on the sofa since he finished dinner while I have AGAIN done everything, I can't even be bothered to wake him up because he will only shout at me, so I have just come up to go to bed .... He will not be a happy bunny in the morning, that's if he doesn't wake me up to have a go when he finally comes to bed! Anyway, enough from me - hope you are all okay.