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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex DH has really upset me.....

342 replies

Severino · 31/10/2016 22:32

I separated from DH at Christmas time. There was a lot of financial stuff and EA and it's been a tough year (he is nice one minute then vile the next) but definitely the right thing for us all long term.
This week he told me has met someone else. I'm fine with that, pleased actually as maybe he will stop hassling me a bit. But tonight he just sent me a text 'for my own good - for future relationships' saying I should have my Labia cut back as it's such a turn off, men hate it and he wishes he'd told me even before we got married. For some reason this has completely floored me, I feel so upset. Of course I know I'm not the most attractive down there but to me a loving relationship goes way beyond that kind of thing? Maybe it's not as nice for men as a neat one, but surely we all come in different shapes and sizes and no one is perfect and we accept and love our partners for how they are. I would never have a cosmetic operation such as that anyway but I just feel so humiliated that he has spelt it out to me. I actually am not looking for another relationship at all but I feel he has totally sullied the final aspect of the relationship we had. Everything else was crap, now it seems the sex was too.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 31/10/2016 23:01

I'd reply "that's your opinion. I'm no longer interested in your opinion."

He's a nasty bastard and that comment says more about him than you.

Inertia · 31/10/2016 23:02

It's another cycle of abuse. He can't abuse you face to face any longer, but he is trying to destroy your confidence before you begin any future relationship.

I'd also be willing to bet that 99.9 % of men really don't care about the shape of their partner's labia, and that the only reason you've ever given it a second's thought is because he's said something. It would be crazy to have unnecessary surgery on your genitalia simply on the say-so of your ex; in fact, looking at it from that perspective, there is something pretty sick in the mind of an abusive man who attempts to push his ex partner into having her genitalia unnecessarily mutilated.

Don't respond, and thank your lucky stars that you're away from this foul man.

AxminsterCarpet · 31/10/2016 23:03

What an obnoxious twat, you are SO lucky you seen married to him now.

I'd actually report him to the police, that would frighten the fuck out of him when they paid him a visit.

pictish · 31/10/2016 23:03

"There's only one hateable cunt in this scenario and that's you."

AxminsterCarpet · 31/10/2016 23:04

Grrr typo: lucky you aren't married to him now.

Ohyesiam · 31/10/2016 23:04

I'm so sorry that you have had to receive such a nasty message. It's not just that it's cruel and humiliating. He has said it to control you, by lowering your self esteem and taking away your sexual confidence.
He is deeply damaged, and I an so glad you are not in a relationship with him any more.

Get some fire in your belly, grit your teeth and don't give him what he wants, which I'd for you to feel devastated.
And please don't reply to him.

Myusernameismyusername · 31/10/2016 23:04

The only time I have heard of it is I read something once where a woman reduced hers because it chafed on her clothing and was sore. That's the only time I would consider it I don't think it's any different to how penises can look totally different and be all kinds of sizes

Offred · 31/10/2016 23:04

Oh goodness that is truly awful. Most especially his carefully thought out passive aggressive tone.

Have a cry if you need to but don't have a cry about how awful you think you are. Cry because he is a truly awful human being who has said a truly awful thing.

Speak to women's aid if you haven't already and just block him on your phone.

LaMontser · 31/10/2016 23:05

Get your lips clipped? Wow, what a prince.

There's only one cunt I can see with a problem here.

Ignore and thank everything that he's not your problem any more. Well done for getting shot of him.

slippedupagain · 31/10/2016 23:06

What on earth? I'm so sorry OP, what a twatbastard he truly is.

Of course there's only one way to respond to that text (if you want to reply at all, and I don't blame you if you simply feel like ignoring it completely!), and that is, in the most delightfully PA way, "Thank you for your irrelevant opinion :)"

Wotshudwehave4T · 31/10/2016 23:07

How about - yeah I heard that freezing your dick and chopping it off takes a few minutes too and any you'd be doing the female race never mind your next partner a favour if you did it - love from luscious labby lipsXXX

LadyMoth · 31/10/2016 23:07

And as for 'for your own good - for future relationships' - oh pur-lease, what a dick. Like Mr EA and financial abuser sent you this text because he cares about your future and what's good for you. This in itself shows you it's bullshit and all about his vile agenda. He just wants to be as nasty as possible and dress it up as a "tip"

Original poster

Severino · 31/10/2016 23:08

I'm loving your comments 😂
I don't reply when he gets nasty as it just prolongs it all. He has said many many horrible, bitter things but most of them wash over me.
Tonight this one didn't, but I do feel better now, and glad I didn't respond or I expect I would have got worse. At least I don't have any niggling doubts about whether I made the right decision....

OP posts:

pringlecat · 31/10/2016 23:09

FFS. It's been, what, a year? Who can remember someone else' bits after a whole year? I was with my ex for 8 years and I honestly can't remember what his penis looks like.

I bet he's just saying the most hurtful thing he can think of to upset you. If it really was that big a deal to him, you would have broken up after the first time you slept together. Utter douchebag.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 23:09

This man hates women. Men who hate women mostly fear them. Make no mistake about that.

Empress13 · 31/10/2016 23:09

Tell him his cock wasn't all that and at least you won't have to fake it in the future.

Vile man you're well rid !

alltouchedout · 31/10/2016 23:10

What a horrid scummy man. I hope you understand totally op that the problem here is him being a vile shit, not anything about you.
Ugh. Men like him turn your stomach.

Original poster

Severino · 31/10/2016 23:10

Unfortunately we have a child together so I can't ever get him out of my life

OP posts:

poppym12 · 31/10/2016 23:10

Nasty bastard .

I'd have been inclined to say 'oh I'm so glad you mentioned genitals and problems as you really do have a pathetically weird cock but I didn't want to embarrass you before when you were trying to do your best with it. There are really simple procedures that could help you to make it a bit nicer'.

Myusernameismyusername · 31/10/2016 23:11

He's won mumsnet for the most awful comment of 2016, I don't think there is a worthy response anyway!
I'm glad you feel better. We can keep cheering you up by ripping him apart a few more times

MaterEstIratus · 31/10/2016 23:12

"I don't know any man who likes them" - seriously what a prick. Obviously all men go round discussing the comparative beauty of womens' labia. Does he take photos down to the pub and ask for opinions? Wanker.

notrocketscience · 31/10/2016 23:13

Speechless! What a low life. He's even worse than my cruel hideous ex and that's really saying something.

You could take it to the police as it is harassment and they will take it seriously. I found the police were awesome and so helpful.

Get a cheap mobile just for his calls. Give said phone to a trusted family member or friend to monitor. They can tell you anything important and screen you from all the sht. Change the number of your usual one and don't let this a*ehole have it.

I have no idea what my bits look like as I'm not that flexible! Joking aside he is trying the ultimate body shaming on you trying to destroy any future happiness. Ignore the d*k. He's not worth the sht on your shoe. And like a previous poster suggested i would be tempted to publish it where all his acquaintances/ work colleagues can see it. Show the world just how despicable he is.

I bet you're gorgeous X

Offred · 31/10/2016 23:14

Just as a bit of a side note. This obsession with 'tidiness' - no hair, invisible inner lips it is all quite paedophilic really... and from porn IMO.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who looks like a woman but there is everything wrong with a man who wants a woman to look like a little girl before they find them attractive.

Not that I think at all that he was being in anyway truthful. He was just being spiteful and controlling and as others have said trying to damage you and also stop you from moving on and into another relationship.

Like most of these twats, he'll have desperately tried to trap another woman straight away to make him feel like he is boss and then he'll have suddenly thought about you possibly doing the same and panicked. Hence such a nasty text.

My fantasy response would be "ooo x does your new gf know you are spending so much time and putting so much effort into thinking about my genitals and our (it now seems) mutually unsatisfactory sex life?"

Solo · 31/10/2016 23:16

Not helpful, but I would have told him that 'I felt it would be helpful if he had his small to average sized penis removed and stitched to his forehead so that everyone could see at first glance that he is a DICK HEAD!'

Many women have large labia and I hear that many men actually find it a massive turn on.

Kittencatkins123 · 31/10/2016 23:16

I'm utterly shocked at his horrific message. I'm so glad you're treating it with the contempt it deserves.

I've had two conversations on this topic with guys recently (one a group of work mates - we'd all had a few ) and there is no 'good' or 'bad' labia/vulva - they are all liked, fancied and enjoyed!

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