Ex DH has really upset me.....

[Severino]

I separated from DH at Christmas time. There was a lot of financial stuff and EA and it's been a tough year (he is nice one minute then vile the next) but definitely the right thing for us all long term.
This week he told me has met someone else. I'm fine with that, pleased actually as maybe he will stop hassling me a bit. But tonight he just sent me a text 'for my own good - for future relationships' saying I should have my Labia cut back as it's such a turn off, men hate it and he wishes he'd told me even before we got married. For some reason this has completely floored me, I feel so upset. Of course I know I'm not the most attractive down there but to me a loving relationship goes way beyond that kind of thing? Maybe it's not as nice for men as a neat one, but surely we all come in different shapes and sizes and no one is perfect and we accept and love our partners for how they are. I would never have a cosmetic operation such as that anyway but I just feel so humiliated that he has spelt it out to me. I actually am not looking for another relationship at all but I feel he has totally sullied the final aspect of the relationship we had. Everything else was crap, now it seems the sex was too.

[Severino]

I don't particularly want it to get to the 'handover at gate no contact ' point for the sake of the kids. But if they see us saying 'morning' and that's it, that will be ok won't it?

[Severino]

X post. Love it. Polite and cordial

[Severino]

Up to now I have been scared of him. I have just realised that fear is gone 👍🏻

[LondonRoo]

Oh my actual God... That is one of the most cruel and vindictive things I have ever heard. This is him sticking the knife in and deliberately trying to hurt you.

All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS on getting him out of your life! I hope you meet someone lovely yourself soon!

[ofudginghell]

I would be inclined to say this

Thank you very much for your honesty. As we are on the honesty and amicable track now would you mind if I pointed out the size of your penis and your technique at all?women really don't like men that struggle to get it up at best of times. It's very frustrating. We also like a varying technique so maybe you could work on that before you get really intimate with your new partner.
Finally I'm sure most women would agree with me but a future partner that feels the need to try (but not succeed)to belittle and upset/hurt the mother of their child by saying these things via text (think future reference) would not be the ideal life partner eh
Have a great day and see you on the next pick up

[Shiningexample]

You no longer have a personal relationship with this man so just be business like with him

He thinks he can be in control and he keeps trying to reel you in, giving weird and intensely personal advice, going on about being your friend.
Don't respond to any of this just move the conversation on to essential topics, don't discuss anything personal about your life or your feelings.

Maybe mention the weather if there is some need for small talk but don't give him any way into your personal life, don't show any emotion, be neutral and boring.

[JustSpeakSense]

He has lost all his control over you, and he is powerless. He is now reverting to desperate measures to try to reach you and hurt you. What a ridiculous, nasty and desperate man it's really quite pathetic.

Your best revenge is to smile, be pleasant (not friendly), dismiss his pathetic texts and get on with living your new life, congratulations on freeing yourself from him, it must feel great!

[Shiningexample]

No DONT make personal remarks about his genitals or anything else, if you do then you are interacting with him along the lines that he has dictated and he is in control.
Don't let him dictate the terms of your relationship, YOU are in control and this is not a personal relationship

[Severino]

Shiningexample (how do I get that bold?) yes that is exactly the way forward I think.
There are so many physical come downs I could write but I don't want to egg on the abuse, nor let him think he has 'got' to me, I would rather just ignore everything unless it is relevant.

[Footle]

You get bold by putting an asterisk each side. It looks huge in preview but normal when posted.

Shiningexample's advice is the best - much better not to respond.

[Ratonastick]

I'm sure you have already seen them but there are a couple of threads about co-parenting with narcs. I'm a lurker not a poster on them but my god it has been such a help to see that others are dealing with the EXACT same bollocks. It's like there is some kind of training manual. Anyway, I have found a lot of answers to how to deal with craziness and idiocy there, particularly the difference between NRPs rights and responsibilities around DS. And also some security in discovering that it really is him not me!

[JammieDodgem]

Your desire to keep things amicable for the DC is understandable/admirable and an example of how you're prioritising their emotional wellbeing BUT he is using that desire of yours to continue to have a hold on you.

Your DC will be absolutely fine as you are clearly and emotionally available, considerate parent. They will be affected by their parents separating, of course, but you do not have to continue a personal relationship with their father. Things are different between you now, you and no longer in a relationship and you no longer live together. Your children will be able to make this adjustment. Your only interaction with him now is to facilitate their contact. It doesn't have to be frosty or charged, just disengaged and polite but distant. Chatty and jokey aren't required and will add little to your DC feelings on the matter but will muddy the emotional waters for you.

[Shiningexample]

It's so easy to get locked into a cycle of attack and counter attack, for him it's probably a game, he finds it fun and intensely rewarding to see that he has affected you and made you respond to him.

For you it's upsetting, tiring, it drains your energy and wears you down, starts to consume your whole life.
Your gut reaction is to hit back when he attacks you but in doing so you FEED him, he gets stronger and you get weaker.

[Anniegetyourgun]

IMO it's not actually that good for children to see their parents getting on like best mates. It adds to the confusion and may raise unjustified hopes/fears of them getting together again. Polite is the way forward, with an edge of frost when they encroach on boundaries again. (Says the woman who threw a roast chicken at her ex. But the theory holds good.)

[Shiningexample]

Oh if only mumsnet coulda had my back all those years ago!

[Kr1stina]

I'm sure you have already seen them but there are a couple of threads about co-parenting with narcs...... it has been such a help to see that others are dealing with the EXACT same bollocks. It's like there is some kind of training manual....... And also some security in discovering that it really is him not me!

This.

It's very important for your mental health that you can see it's HIM and not you. It won't change how he is but it will change your perspective. These people are very skilled at getting inside your head and know just how to manipulate you.

[growapear]

Ugh, what an atrocious individual he is. I'm a man, and although can't speak for all of "us", large labia are in no way a turn off to me.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I'm sorry, OP, I know it's a vile and hurtful and sick thing to say and you are understandably distressed by it. But I had to laugh a bit because I have never, and I mean never, known such a dickless wonder who is so obviously, cringe inducingly, desperately terrified and threatened by the thought of his ex going on to have sex after him and actually enjoying it. Really. I've known some doozies, but nobody as pathetic and obvious and uptight as this. I can just imagine him, frozen with horror at the thought of you finding someone who knows a little bit about women (including the fact that labia come on the same spectrum of diversity as ears and noses) and actually having a good time. Clearly nothing frightens him more. Even while he has someone new, he's still hung up on what you might be doing.

What a dithering pillock.

[Spookle]

Agree with others - he is a nasty fuckwit! Have only read your op and can see there are 13 pages probably all saying the same.

It is nothing for you to worry about at all, trust me.

You could chose to have surgery if you so wishes but only a labotomy would cure his fucking nastiness.

If you are interested I'm sure I saw a photo campain earlier this year which was a collage of photos showing real women's labia. All sizes, shapes, long lips, short lips. Might be worth tracking it down if you would like to reassure yourself.

I hope he catches every STD under the sun and that impotence visits him very soon.

[Severino]

Thanks spookle. I am actually not in the least fussed about the state of things 'below'. I am nothing beyond the realms of normal, what upset me was the depth he would stoop to to 'get' at me. Plus the fact that it insinuates physical perfection is necessary for a happy relationship. I don't base love on whether a guy is well hung or not, dark hair, long hair, skinny legs whatever. It just seemed he was damning every little thing we may have had together, and that all those years were only so unhappy because of the state of my labia! However, it has actually been a turn around because I posted on here and have had so much support in the fact that he is a prize dick, is abusive and bullying. I didn't have the guts to admit this before, and honestly felt that it was my fault and I was bringing on his anger. I do feel empowered and am actually quite excited by the thought that one day I will hopefully meet someone else that I want to be intimate with, and the truth of whether I am a complete turn off will be out! I will not feel embarrassed or ashamed or even self conscious. My body is perfect for the right person.

[0SometimesIWonder]

Hope you're ok this morning Severino.
Shiningexample says it best; don't get sucked in..... the best response is no response.
I mean, he's really scraping the barrel with those comments isn't he ?
Can't find any other way to get to you but what he considers personal insults but which are, in fact, simply naughty schoolboy playground tactics.
I have to admit, if my partner said same to me, I'd laugh my socks off and think about committal proceedings.

[Offred]

Good!

Well, MN hive mind can resoundingly confirm that he is an appallingly abusive controlling wanker who is clearly getting desperate because he can feel his grip on you loosening!

[lightcola]

He was obviously annoyed he hadn't had more of a reaction from you about his new girlfriend (poor woman) so was trying another way to hurt you. Don't let him know it worked. He's a massive wanker of all proportions and you're better off without.

[Stopmithering]

He thinks he's clever but has been an idiot.
If ever there was any doubt that he is a complete bellend, he's sent you the evidence.
I'd be laughing at his stupidity, personally.

[redexpat]

Pleased youre feeling better. Please keep screenshots of all his messages.