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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex DH has really upset me.....

342 replies

Severino · 31/10/2016 22:32

I separated from DH at Christmas time. There was a lot of financial stuff and EA and it's been a tough year (he is nice one minute then vile the next) but definitely the right thing for us all long term.
This week he told me has met someone else. I'm fine with that, pleased actually as maybe he will stop hassling me a bit. But tonight he just sent me a text 'for my own good - for future relationships' saying I should have my Labia cut back as it's such a turn off, men hate it and he wishes he'd told me even before we got married. For some reason this has completely floored me, I feel so upset. Of course I know I'm not the most attractive down there but to me a loving relationship goes way beyond that kind of thing? Maybe it's not as nice for men as a neat one, but surely we all come in different shapes and sizes and no one is perfect and we accept and love our partners for how they are. I would never have a cosmetic operation such as that anyway but I just feel so humiliated that he has spelt it out to me. I actually am not looking for another relationship at all but I feel he has totally sullied the final aspect of the relationship we had. Everything else was crap, now it seems the sex was too.

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 01/11/2016 21:39

It seems like it's good news here to me OP.
You dodged one massive bullet by not still being with this wanker and he has nothing left to hurt you with - he's obviously scraped the bottom of the barrel to find that little gem. Now you can get on with the rest of your (much better) life.

Offred · 01/11/2016 21:40

That's not a nice or reasonable message at all!!!

That is "I will put you down whenever and however I like and then I will threaten you using our coparenting relationship not to complain"

Offred · 01/11/2016 21:41

If anything it just absolutely 100% positively demonstrates that he knew exactly, and still knows exactly what he is doing.

AxminsterCarpet · 01/11/2016 21:42

Do you let him in your house OP? Shock

I'd hand the DC over on the doorstep and shut the door in his face. Politely, mind!!

Offred · 01/11/2016 21:43

Literally no response is the best response. He will be satisfied by any reaction at all. Look up grey rock and do that.

Goady narcissistic fucker.

bookworm14 · 01/11/2016 21:44

Haven't read full thread, but what a shitty thing to say - I'm so sorry. You're clearly well rid.

I'm sure it wouldn't help the situation, but I'd be so tempted to reply "well, it takes a nasty cunt to know one". Grin

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2016 21:48

Imagine if you PMd everyone his mobile number and we all sent him fanjo pics in order to benefit from his minge analytical skillz Grin

fi775 · 01/11/2016 21:50

Absolutely give him no reply. I think he's just desperate for any sort of reaction from you. I still stand by what I say, I don't think he's found someone else. I think he's just trying to do anything possible to mess with your head. I think he was hoping you would be gutted when he said he had found someone else but you weren't. Then he felt like he had to hurt you so sent that absolutely ridiculous message. You've not replied to that and rightly so. Now he's just trying to get a reaction from you through being 'nice' - if you can call it that. Keep firm, do not contact him unless it's about your dcs. Horrible creature that he is Angry

joellevandyne · 01/11/2016 21:51

I don't have a lot of original advice to add, but this has been the most jaw-dropping thread I've ever read here, and I feel compelled to weigh in, if only to add to the numbers of people agreeing what a complete penis your ex is. Well done on seeing through this manipulative fuckhead.

I agree that you should just keep ignoring his messages as it will drive him absolutely bananas. It doesn't matter if you "look churlish" to him, because it's screamingly apparent he is not actually being reasonable, he's being manipulative. He will probably step up the charm offensive, and later become angry and directly offensive.

Regardless of what he says or does, respond exactly the same way. Be unflappably civil but give him nothing more than the barest minimum of information he requires in order to co-parent effectively. Tell him nothing about your life. Only reply to messages about the children, and only with required information. Ignore absolutely anything else.

As birdy says, if he tries to talk to you about it, just shut that shit down. "Eugene, I have no desire for animosity. I'm happy we're both moving on. Let's keep this as simple as possible."

snakesandladders321 · 01/11/2016 21:59

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say it's pretty obvious his big fat ego has been dented as you're happy for him to move on with someone else and not pleading with him to come back. He's trying to hurt you!!! No man would give a damn about your bits!! Do not let this absolute dickhead upset you.

Tryanythingonce16 · 01/11/2016 22:38

I would like to think that the second message was because he felt guilty or he knows he overstepped the mark But sad to say I don't think that's the case.

Do not trust him when he appears reasonable.

He is behaving exactly like my exh (personal insults, writing to my parents, trying to control everything) and if you don't play ball eg divorce, finances, children, whatever, you will pay.

Ex also used to come to the house to do childcare while I worked and let me tell you it was a relief when I stopped it even though it cost me a lot of money and was a logistical nightmare.

I think you are amazing as it goes and you have dealt with it just right.

Inertia · 01/11/2016 23:17

That follow up message is not reasonable. He is making it very clear to you that he expects your gratitude and delight at his 'help' to be evident, and if you are not overwhelmed with joy to see him he will blame you for upsetting the children.

Don't engage with his texts. Don't mention it tomorrow. If he mentions it, tell him you will discuss matters directly related to the care of the children only.

twattymctwatterson · 01/11/2016 23:26

He is a massive massive cunt. You have handled in perfectly. Don't respond to the abusive text or the "friendly" on. That was sent because he didn't receive the reaction he was looking for from the first. Only respond to him when directly related to your child and then keep them brief as possible. Don't let him into your house and avoid contact as much as possible. Don't give him the power to hurt you anymore X

Shiningexample · 01/11/2016 23:49

Nice one minute, abusive the next...
ah the old 'good cop/bad cop' routine
it's all bullshit
disengage

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2016 00:58

Why should you leave your home? If there's a lag time between when he shows up and the children leave, then he needs to arrive later for a handoff.

I wouldn't allow him in my home, especially if I'm not there!

That second text! He's a master at manipulation, isn't he? I agree, just ignore the second text, too. If he says anything, reply "What texts?".

probablyparanoid · 02/11/2016 01:32

Hi - I was also in a situation where looking back after some years I can't believe that I was manipulated for years. I thought I was being easy going and chilled and actually I was just allowing him to call the shots. I was completely blind to it. It takes a lot of distance to see that - - he wanted a easy going back and forth 'jokey' relationship - I refused him that and he could not stand it, also resorting to writing to my relatives to try to get them on his side. I sometimes felt glorious as the worm that turned - for once saying no to him. Standing firm and just refusing to engage was the best way to go . You need to have an awful lot of space and distance to become yourself again and you can only do that by refusing to engage. It will have the added benefit of driving him crazy because he can no longer control you but that is not the important thing - the important thing is that by disengaging you practice being autonomous and grow your own power .

My2centsworth · 02/11/2016 01:43

I would have to throw him back a completely non commital thumb up. An 'I did not consider this enough to bother writing anything to you'. Next time he sends an abusive one do the same. Let him slowly realise you do not give the remotest fuck what he writes, you have definitely received it but you simply do not care enough to bother in the slightest about it. I think it will piss him off more than the silence because it is so dismissive. Remember to keep a copy of anything abusive he writes. He is an utter cunt.

Shiningexample · 02/11/2016 06:06

He's a master at manipulation, isn't he?
No, He's a rank amateur, clumsy and stupid, very easy to see his game

ChuckGravestones · 02/11/2016 07:06

Please let's stay friends. With all my heart I want for you to be happy and content which is why I sent what I did yesterday. We have wonderful children and keeping them as stable as possible is paramount and if they can see us jokey and friendly that is so much better for them. I really don't want them picking up on any animosity. Let's try please?

'You are a weird crazy mofo who is fixated on me and you need to move on. Friends we are not. Why not concentrate on your own genitals, god knows they need it. Hope that helps.'

Wallywobbles · 02/11/2016 07:15

You are fucking kidding me.

I'd say "morning. If it's not something you'd say to a random stranger don't say it to me. That should be your standard for all personal comments. You are not my friend you are my ex. Friends make me feel good about myself you don't. Goodbye"

Whocansay · 02/11/2016 07:17

Nah. He's still a cunt. As people have already said, he's trying to provoke a reaction. He tried to hurt you. There was nothing 'friendly or jokey' about that message. Ignore.

You don't have to be friends, btw. You have to be civil in front of your children. You and he do not have to have any kind of relationship at all.

MagicSocks · 02/11/2016 07:19

Severino you definitely do not like the 'churlish' one for not replying to his incredibly weird message about your genitalia! He's made himself look incredibly inadequate and his patronising follow up just makes it obvious he has parted company with reality altogether. Hold your head high and practise showing how utterly indifferent you are to him and his good cop bad cop ultra-creepy routine, that's what will really get to him. Also you really do sound amazing!

glintwithpersperation · 02/11/2016 07:24

What a wanker. He's an absolute joke of a man. We all stand with you laughing at his patheticness. Be strong at handover today and give him nothing.

Original poster
Severino · 02/11/2016 07:29

I'm fine for handover this morning, I don't feel like I need to hide or run off quickly. With MN behind me I shall stand tall and strong. It's so true though, that without support (even just virtual support) it's so much harder. I have constantly questioned myself, apologised, assumed I must be wrong etc but now I can totally see it is abuse. He is not normal and if I don't stand up to him now I will be dominated and manipulated for ever.

OP posts:
magoria · 02/11/2016 07:29

If he were noticeably abusive all the time detaching would be easy. This is how they work. Abusive and then nice to make you look unreasonable and like you hold a grudge.

Ex 'I have a new GF'
Severino = little reaction

Ex - vile personal insult
Severino = little reaction

Ex - hmm not had the desired response what now? I know suggestion Severino will look unreasonable and upset DC, play on her feelings for DC and being the better person.

Severino = little response

Don't rise to it. Don't play his game.

He is your ex. Polite and cordial when you do hand overs. You are not friends. As others have said you are co-parents. Polite is all that is required.