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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex DH has really upset me.....

342 replies

Severino · 31/10/2016 22:32

I separated from DH at Christmas time. There was a lot of financial stuff and EA and it's been a tough year (he is nice one minute then vile the next) but definitely the right thing for us all long term.
This week he told me has met someone else. I'm fine with that, pleased actually as maybe he will stop hassling me a bit. But tonight he just sent me a text 'for my own good - for future relationships' saying I should have my Labia cut back as it's such a turn off, men hate it and he wishes he'd told me even before we got married. For some reason this has completely floored me, I feel so upset. Of course I know I'm not the most attractive down there but to me a loving relationship goes way beyond that kind of thing? Maybe it's not as nice for men as a neat one, but surely we all come in different shapes and sizes and no one is perfect and we accept and love our partners for how they are. I would never have a cosmetic operation such as that anyway but I just feel so humiliated that he has spelt it out to me. I actually am not looking for another relationship at all but I feel he has totally sullied the final aspect of the relationship we had. Everything else was crap, now it seems the sex was too.

OP posts:
gratesnakes · 01/11/2016 09:30

I had something similar after a break up but the insult was about my nose. There was another poster recently whose ex insulted her small breasts. Ignore. It means nothing. Theres nothing wrong with your shape. It's just the verbal equivalent of an acid attack designed to make you believe you are unattractive to other men. I'm afraid he's not really over you and still wants to control you. Feel sorry for his new woman.
I wonder if spurned women do this too?

Severino · 01/11/2016 10:29

I'm going for the ignoring-every-nasty-comment route. I know there will be more...
He came this morning to do the school run so I let DD open the door. I just yelled goodbye to all as I left.
I will respond to comments about DC that's all. I can't believe I never saw such control or EA when I was with him. I knew he was dominant but never did I realise what a doormat I was.
Last week my elderly parents got texts from him informing them what an abusive, spineless person I am. In all the years they have known me, I think they have my character by now.... But he will stop at nothing to bring me down because I have finally stood up to him kicked him out.
His real bugbear is that I refuse to meet him and 'talk'. As far as I am concerned there is nothing to talk about, there is no going back. If we meet he will manipulate me, promise me the world, say what I want to hear. Its happened so many times. This time I said I would not talk, I wanted to see action first. Well I think I have the action I need to prove my point.
Thank you lovely MNers for the support and for keeping me up when he is trying to drag me down.
For the record I have no hang ups about my body. Its far from perfect, but physical perfection means nothing to me so he can slag all my parts off and I won't feel self-conscious. Its merely the thought that someone who was once so close can resort to such vile tactics to get a rise. I am so naive about people. I like to see the best and its absolutely soul destroying to see such trust crumpled on. I am so easy-going, calm and chilled, and whilst I used to think that was a good way to be, I am learning that the wrong people can abuse that and make it a weakness. But I won't change, I won't give him that satisfaction. One day I will find someone who appreciates me as I am, and treats me with the respect I deserve. As someone upthread said - it shows more about him than about me..

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 01/11/2016 10:43

Obviously you know he didn't feel the need to help you at all, he has said this to you so that you won't move on, you'll be too upset to have a new relationship. He's said this to you so that regardless of his moving on in a new relationship you won't. Ignore him, nasty nasty wanker.

RockyBird · 01/11/2016 10:44

Great update OP.

Remember to keep a record of the harassment towards you and your family and let your solicitor know in due course.

BellesBelles · 01/11/2016 11:01

Inertia Totally agree: "He will be desperate for you to respond so he can gauge how much he has hurt you. Don't give him the satisfaction." Yes. Once OP responds he will gauge the tone to see if he's got under her skin. No response = you sad person, not even worthy of a response.

Lapinlapin · 01/11/2016 11:01

Good for you. He really does sound vile.
Whilst it must be so tempting to send some of the (hilarious!) replies which have been suggested, I think your best revenge is doing exactly what you are doing and ignoring.

Tbh he sounds so awful, talking isn't going to have much effect anyway. Keep strong and maintain the moral high ground by rising above his childish, bullying, vindictive behaviour.

You deserve to meet someone nice and I'm sure one day you will Flowers

KittyWindbag · 01/11/2016 11:02

He has shown his hand. By taking the time out and make a point of being so cruel, vindictive and ugly he has shown how much he still needs to have an effect upon your life. He is looking for any way he can to hurt you because he is angry he no longer has control over you. He may have a new woman but he hasn't moved on.

Fuck him. He's an enormous loser.

kittybiscuits · 01/11/2016 11:12

You are a legend OP Flowers. Great post.

Alorsmum · 01/11/2016 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisiesandgerberas · 01/11/2016 11:20

That says a heck of a lot more about him than it does you.

Flowers
mortgagefreesoon5 · 01/11/2016 11:23

You are a strong woman op. I know that bc you manage to get rid of that person. I'd avoid any face to face contact with him, keep it all in writing. Obviously he is not over you, hence his hurtful comments. He doesn't deserve your time of the day.
Hope you are taking good care of yourself, you are gorgeous.
Flourish and prosper!

3perfectweemen · 01/11/2016 11:24

Tell him to get that huge dick clippedoff his head!
He only saying that because now he has moved on he doesn't want you to think its oldie you to.
What man has ever loved or fancied any woman for their labia? NONE!
Take no heed in that immature fuck head!

AntiqueSinger · 01/11/2016 11:32

Bastard! How utterly, viciously cruel. What a wanker! Actually I suspect that's all he's doing, wanking, or he'd not be giving your nether regions so much thought.

My reply would be: "Really?? Thank you! I wish you had mentioned this earlier, it would have been a weight off my mind. I've wanted to get them trimmed for years, but then even at the size they were, I could barely feel you, you don't know how much it troubled me. I really struggled, but I knew getting the procedure would just make it harder for me. Anyway, I've since discovered that it's not a problem. Who would have thought size could make such a difference? But thanks anyway.Grin

Underparmummy · 01/11/2016 11:36

He is horrible. Tell him not to worry, he'll never be seeing it again so he shouldn't let it bother him.
Do not let him see he got to you. Bright and breezy with this kind of misogynistic twat looking for a rise.

fi775 · 01/11/2016 11:53

There is a lot of people commenting on this post so I'm sorry if someone else has said this as I've not had chance to read everything but are you sure he has met someone else?

Something similar happened to me with an ex, he decided to make up a story that he had found someone else when in actual fact it was all just a plan to get me all upset and jealous and me beg for him back. When he said he had found someone new, I said I was genuinely happy for him - I really really was. Anyway his plan totally back fired and then the nasty messages came after that. I found out about it all a couple of weeks later through a friend. He just could not accept I wasn't interested in him and that was the way he dealt with it.

I'm just wondering if your ex has done something similar as you've said you are fine with him being with someone new, maybe that's not the reaction he was expecting from you so then he's given you a load of abuse.

Either way he's an absolute complete and utter twat faced shit

Severino · 01/11/2016 11:56

I have just read up on Emotional Abuse. Wow...
It was a textbook marriage.
I think i need to read up further or learn how I can not repeat it. I Definitely allowed myself to be dominated by him, how, why. I need to learn from it and to move on. Does anyone have any advice re books? Someone mentioned one early on but it was more getting in the head of the abuser. I want help for me not him. It's too late for me to help him but I don't want my past to screw up my future

OP posts:
Severino · 01/11/2016 11:57

He has done me a favour! I feel empowered to move on.

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 01/11/2016 12:03

What a charmer. I'd just respond with 'I think you've sent this to the wrong person?!' and leave it at that.

intravenouscoffee · 01/11/2016 12:08

The Womens Aid Freedom course is highly recommend on here.

I would second the posters who suggested he's trying to stop you having sex with anyone else. I've had a few friends who have left controlling men and they always go through this cruel, attention seeking phase. It's like in Super Nanny when she starts using the naughty step and the toddlers throw massive tantrums for a couple of days. Until they realise that the dynamic has changed. That's what he's doing, throwing a tantrum to try to get control back. Ignore the bastard.

MermaidTears · 01/11/2016 12:27

Well done op on holding your head up high and taking the higher ground!

Radyward · 01/11/2016 12:32

He is absolutely disgusting
. Feel great that you are freeing yourself if him. His poor new DP that's all I can say. He is just a completely vile individual.

Yoarchie · 01/11/2016 12:35

Holy fuck.

He was to trying to help he was trying to destroy your confidence.

In my view a perfect body is how nature intended it to be.

I would keep this message and print a screenshot for your future protection from his evilness.

Hidingtonothing · 01/11/2016 12:37

Definitely the Freedom Programme OP, it's designed to help you recognise the pattern of abusive relationships and avoid them in future. You can do it online or in person, in person is said to be better but in your circumstances (already free of him and not necessarily needing support from others in the same situation) I'm not sure how much it will matter, I suspect you would get a lot out of it either way.

There are links on this page to both the online course and to search for a programme near you www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Zagazoob · 01/11/2016 12:41

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 Why Does He Do That - Read this book, OP]]

Cherylene · 01/11/2016 12:57

I wouldn't be sure his new relationship is all that perfect - if it was he would not have time for this Wink

Maybe it is just to show how wonderful he is Hmm but he is feeling insecure in himself, so passing that on, to let you know that you should have responded to the new relationship Confused

Also, making it so personal makes it too difficult to share - but not on Mumsnet Grin Cake Brew

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