Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

Yes, he has been done for criminal damage before.

Why would you and the 4 kids become homeless? Genuinely confused here.

All the more to tell the police, esp the ... if he involves my DC or my home (smashing things up) in any way with his turning up we will fall back into crisis with her - you have DC who are (potentially, at least) massively affected by Twunt's antics. The fear of that is already affecting your actions and decisions.

What you have to know, in your heart of hearts, is that you're not protecting them by keeping quiet. You'll do much better by keeping him out of your life.

When he was at uni he smashed a load of windows in the student union because of something he was upset about that I forget now.

LL can basically refuse to renew my contract for any reason he likes. If he does that I will have to go and if he does that because I am not a good tenant I.e. My boyfriend smashed his windows he will not give me a reference I can use to get another property.

It took me 18 months to get this one. Some landlords even refused to take me even though I offered 6 months rent upfront.

How long ago was the window smashing incident ? Anything more recent?

Please understand , I completely believe you that he's violent to you inside your home. I'm trying to get you to have a realistic assessment of the likelihood of him smashing up your windows while you film him on your mobile and the neighbours watch and the police have been called . Given that he's very concerned about his public image .

Do you have a social worker ? Do they know how violent your BF is ?

About 10 years ago I think.

Yes, we have a social worker for DD. He isn't very good and he knows BF name for doing background checks.

He is constantly being done for speeding/poor maintenance of his car etc, he usually talks his way out of it. He got caught shopifting recently but talked his way out of that too.

He won't be concerned about his public image during a meltdown. It might stop him having a meltdown in the first place.

I could talk to the SW but I doubt he will be of any help at all really. Wasn't over EA from XP to DD.

Do you have any proof of his violence ? Police report, videos clips, hospital records of your injuries, threatening texts or emails ? Witness statements from friends or family ?

I'm wondering if you can take these to the leader of his party on the council and tell them you will take your evidence to they local paper if he won't stay away .

It is perfectly possible I do not have a realistic perspective of the risk I know. And I know ppl will be concerned it is one of the excuses scared women make for not taking action - also perfectly possible.

How I feel though is it is a risk I would prefer not to test out.

He has never injured me physically, he prides himself on that.

He just scares me.

He knocked over my lamp but didn't break it. That's the first time he has been physical near me (if you don't count pulling me over the road).

There will be records of my CBT and of me going to a&e and what I said.

He once smashed up his own laptop at home when I wasn't around because it was slow and we were arguing over text.

They might be better on PA ( if you have proof ) from a non relative . I guess from your answer that SW has no idea your BF is violent ?

I know that SW are mostly a waste of space . They find it too hard to prioritise the needs of children over fathers.

But I think you are going to have a well thought through and carefully executed plan

" I.e. My boyfriend smashed his windows"
Hes not your boyfriend really though, is he? Hes basically your stalker!

And to be honest, now youve said all the things hes talked his way out of, and the way he manipulates your emotions so much, Im now thinking "ah, psychopath". Might be worth you reading up on some sites on how to deal with a psychopath just to see whether any of it sounds similar or helpful.

I could do that, yes, speak to the leader of the labour group. I hadn't thought about that.

Offred, I've seen you giving others a much needed stern talking to so here is yours.

Come the fuck off it love. You can't dump him because he'll smash your windows? Despite being a local councillor? Nope. This is magical thinking. Of course he might get annoyed, in which case you keep your door locked and phone the police.

Don't let him in. He won't ever give you permission to dump him, so please be an adult and do it yourself. You don't live with him, you have no kids with him.

Excuses excuses. And all of this is taking time and energy away from your innocent children.

You'll never be 'ready' and your kids need you mentally healthy now, not in some mythical future. So be the grown up and stop kidding yourself with all this angst. We can all see through the silly twat, and so can you if you're honest.

Dump.

Keep door shut.

Phone police.

All the stuff said try gray rock I have read about psychopaths and narcs.

Leader of the labour group will be at the next meeting of my clp on Friday actually...

It's ok to be scared. I believe you.

But it seems you only have two options.

1. Continuing to be in an abusive relationship with him and damage your kids

1. Dump and have a multi strand plan to deal with the consequences

Do women's aid think you can get an injection ?

I think from past experience SW would not see it as violent. His suggestion to help DD was to get back with EA x who was EA to me and who I had video evidence of being EA to DD.

Don't talk to the leader yet. You need Proof and a Plan

I think you're thinking too many steps ahead, in the wrong direction.

You don't know he'll cause enough criminal damage [that you can't have fixed easily].

Hell, you don't know that he'll do any damage at all, frankly. If you do this right with the police, he may never come around again.

You don't know that the landlord won't renew your contract. You're right, they're not a social charity. But they're also not monsters. All I care about (yes, I'm a landlord) is getting the rent on time and as little hassle as possible. If you've been a good tenant up to now, esp if they'd see this as a one-off, it needn't be a deal-breaker. Yes, in theory, a landlord can refuse to renew a contract, but do you have any idea how much hassle that is, finding another tenant? Unless rents have skyrocketed in your area, and/or you're a problem tenant, I wouldn't worry if I were you.

What do your RL friends say ?