Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

It's not stupid. I crave human kindness and contact so much. Most people do even if it's not coming from the right place. Be gentle to yourself and don't beat yourself up for having those feelings.

Oh what a lovely boy!

You have brought tears to my eyes, Offred. Partly for you, but also because you have reminded me of hiw utterly alone and unsupported I felt back when I was being/had just been dxed. I got through it, and you will too. You are stronger than I am, I know because I've read your thread and seen you on other threads, for years.

You will be all right. (((xxx)))

I am now taking Propranolol for migraines, but at first they gave me Naramig which was fantastic. I was quite sad when they took me off it.

Do go to the gp. The neuros don't like people with ms to suffer fatigue, there is stuff you can take which helps. Think of the worst fatigue/exhaustion you've had and tell that to the doc, don't make the best of it there or they'll think you're OK and not do anything. You're not OK but the NHS can help you to be OK and you are utterly deserving.

Memoires it helps to know that. I am so tired of coping with and struggling in my life.

I have been saying for years that 'I can't do xyz' and being met by and told I am just depressed or anxious etc. Now I'm facing being told a whole load of 'you can't' I fear.

I was hoping to start getting some kind of life and independence back now. I am frightened that will never happen. My one ridiculous comfort is I know now I am not 'just depressed' I will always have the option of going to dignitas if things become unbearable.

My life has just been full of so much pain and heartbreak... just one thing after another, moments of hope which have always been snatched away.

I think this is probably normal after a DX like this... Well, anyway, I did say I was going to wallow today...

I am incredibly proud of DS, he is a wonderful boy, so confident and so sensitive and so self aware. I accidentally threw away something really really important to him the other day and he got very angry with me and said horrible things followed by a tearful apology that 'mummy I'm sorry but you need to understand that I am 11 and hormonal and I can't always manage my feelings properly' I just love him... he is an excellent person but so sorry he has had such crap to cope with.

Relationships are meant to enhance your life, by bringing love, joy, fun, trust, intimacy, friendship.....

All he has brought you, is a big fat giant bag of steaming turds.

Unless he has a gold plated 12 inch cock, I am agog as to why you would give him any more time or head space.

Block. Ignore. Don't answer the door. If he sees you thru the blinds, all the better. Just tell him thru the window "if you don't piss off I'm calling the Police"

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. You sound worth so very much more. You are raising children. You have graduated. You have your shit together. He most definitely does not.

Sorry, just read some later posts. So sorry you have been unwell

Eesh... sorry to bring this thread up again... I need to talk on here to keep me away...

Have just found out CSM has had a secret weed addiction the whole time I have known him which explains some things

It also makes me feel really shit. Really really shit knowing that basically almost everything about him was made up solely for the purpose of tricking me into his bed and TBF he wasn't at all interested in providing any other kind of part of a normal relationship.

I feel really sad for myself, sorry if it is self-indulgent, sad that everything that I am has been so used up and wasted on someone I clearly didn't even know and sad that I'll never get that time back.

Don't know what to do with myself.

That should give you more resolve and make all the pieces fall the into place. I know the feeling of regret for lost time. Keep being strong and rejoice that you havn't got to waste any more of your precious time and energy on anyone other than yourself & DC

It's a sad feeling that actually I have been alone all along.

Oh Offred, I'm so sorry. I can relate to so much of what you have written. How awful to find out that he's had this hidden side of him all along and that the whole was even more of a facade than it seemed. I really hope this helps you to let go and move on. Someone like him would never have been any help to you with your health problems, so it seems like you have made the leap at just the right time.

It's a load of shit. I feel worse now than I have for a while. This phrase is helping though. I don't need to be blaming myself right now.

Absolutely, there is no shame in loving someone and thinking the best of them. Relationships aren't always logical and it's not until you're out of it that you can see clearly. Go easy on yourself and remember the blame for all of this shit lies squarely at HIS door.

Huge hugs, I think he went to HUGE lengths to hid it and to fool you.

There is no shame in who you are and wanting to believe you could have a healthy relationship with someone.

none of us are perfect, we are fallible, we are human, you deserve loved and kindness x

Yes, I know. I'm having difficulty knowing where to 'put' my feelings about it all at the moment. I'm thinking through one thing he said (different things each time) on repeat and feeling frustrated rage. Not where I want to be right now.

Girls night tomorrow though, which is something.

"I'm not secretive" "I'm not manipulative" "it is so refreshing to be with someone that I don't need to hide my real self from" "I'm a brilliant boyfriend" "sorry I just lost track of time" "I am on my way" "sorry I really am on my way now" "so sorry so and so wanted to talk to me I am actually leaving now" "you are just jealous and paranoid" "it is my private business" "you are overreacting" "you are trying to manipulate me" "you can't be reasonable because of what has happened to you in the past" and my personal favourite lie "I love you" etc

Really kicking myself. I even properly took him to task for "I have never loved anyone as much as you"...

I feel so embarrassed at how he must have been laughing with his druggie friend who he also told all the other crap he had been doing to me.

I am really starting to hate him.

When I last saw him I told him he is abusive. I have since ignored texts from him... he has been thinking and wants to move in with me(!) he wants us to go away this weekend (and for me to pay).

He just thinks I am a total mug

He's a weed addict, incapable of proper thought.

hugs x

I am starting to know that. I think anyway.

It is hard to get out of the thinking pattern this relationship has trained me into of looking to his thoughts about my value.

Real me would think 'who cares if he did laugh with his friend, they are both just sad little insecure wankers who aren't capable of relationships unless they create fake personas'

Me right now is thinking 'but I really loved him' even though I didn't even know him to love him or not, 'and he thinks I am some kind of joke' even though really it is him that is the sick joke

Fucking bellend...

He is thinking 'woman = wants more commitment. Shit you are losing her! Offer her that quick'

and try and get another free holiday out of it

Aren't you glad you found out before any sort of moving in together or funding his habit etc etc.

Makes you wonder why his boss gets fed up with him and thinks he can get him to do dodgy stuff...

There was never going to be any moving in together. I had told him a few months ago that I wanted to talk about where we were going and that I wanted to talk about moving in together at some point in a few years.

He said he had been thinking about how nice it would be to live with me over the weekend. Then a few days later while I was buying him stuff in Tesco I made a joke about how it was ok because it'd become mine when we moved in and he went white and said he had been 'feeling anxious about that'.

After that I decided I didn't want to move in with him ever and that ever considering it was stupid.

He has apparently latched on to it as though it is some innate desire related to my femininity that he will have to suffer to keep having sex with me and expressed it in very thinly veiled terms.

The knocking over my light incident not only confirmed my earlier decision but made me feel strongly I needed to get away. He couldn't be further off the mark.