Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

I am not going to continue in the relationshit... it isn't even a relationship anyway... it is him keeping me captive and using up all my resources.

What MorrisZapp said, all of it. Offred, the solution is in your hands only, it's up to up to you whether you're going to prioritise your children or him? It is that simple. You're choosing to go through this, your children aren't.

Doesn't mean that it's easy though and you have my absolute sympathy for what you're going through. Rip that plaster off once and for all, with whatever measures needed to enforce that.

20 people applied for this house. He wouldn't have a problem renting it.

I know it could be magical thinking but this house is very precious to me because it was freedom from EA x and abusive parents.

This is the thing though, ATM my children aren't going through anything. I am fine, he is not even upsetting me anymore. DC are all happy and it isn't affecting my times with them at all. He has nothing to do with them. They were 2 yrs ago when I thought it was all my fault and was suicidal but not anymore and it was more complicated because I was still living in X's house then and lots of that contributed to things too.

RL friends don't really understand abuse either because they have stayed in or are in abusive relationships or because they have never been through it and they say to just give him time to prove himself.

The one I mentioned would support me through leaving though.

But I know. I would be harsh on me too if it wasn't me!

I'll ask WA re the safety plan of trying for non-mol and the criminal damage stuff.

And sorry to hear about the waste-of-oxygen SW - it's wankers like this who lead otherwise sensible women to think nothing is worth doing. Something to add to your To Do List is to complain about him. But not hi pri.

Sorry, where were your kids while he was talking his way into your house and weeping like a madman in your bed? Where do you anticipate they'll be when he smashes your windows in?

You can't have it both ways. You can't claim on one hand that he's undumpable because he will go mad, smash your house and see you and your kids thrown onto the streets, but on the other hand there's no need to dump him because you and your kids are happy with him around.

And my parents are useless. Having horrible shouty arguments where things get broken is 'talking about your feelings' to them. They do it every Saturday morning. My mum would say 'don't overreact' just like he does. I will never mention it to her.

They were with my ex.

Him turning up when they are there is precisely what worries me.

There is absolutely a need to get rid of him. I'm just trying to plan it as safely as possible.

There is no staying in this relationshit. I'm not even in it now. It's getting him out of my life that is important.

Offred, I do know what you're saying but two years ago your children got the message that their mum wasn't able to get herself away from this man... and she still can't. You're obviously not happy with the situation so how can they be? They see you and interact with you. You can't hide it and you can't lie to them, however adept you think you are.

We all try our best to protect our kids from what's going on in our lives but they not stupid and they absorb atmospheres and stress; it would be so much better if they were oblivious sometimes.

You can do it and if your RL friends are saying 'give him another chance' then they're either not listening - or you haven't given them the full picture. You know what you need to do and I know it's so tempting to ally yourself with opinions that mean you don't have to act... but you know that you do.

What would be the tipping point for you? How far away is it?

Past the tipping point a long time ago. Just worrying about how to safely get him out of my life TBH right now.

Is not any longer a case of me being sad and hoping he will change or making excuses that mean I stay.

I am frightened about my children/home becoming involved in his meltdowns and trying to come up with a plan that means that is not likely to happen.

And you are quite right but it was worse, they got the message that I wasn't able to get away from two shitty men 2 yrs ago.

Reframing him as a stalker and not a BF is helpful.

Have you been truly blunt with him? Sent that 'I am not in a relationship with you, do not contact me, do not harass me, do not come to my home' message?

I've come a long way emotionally since I started this thread where I was making excuses for him and thinking if he just sorted his issues it might be ok.

Guess the tipping point must have been the light incident.

Yes. Many times.

He says he 'gets anxious and I want to explain'

Maybe not for a while. Possibly because it hasn't worked in the past. Combination of me being weakly talked round when he just comes round anyway.

It might work. I don't think he would come round angry, more sad if I did that now.

But he would come round. I would need to tell him to go away.

I could possibly go to his and tell him that to his face tonight. Thereby removing his 'I need to explain' or 'we need to talk face to face' reasoning.

Yep you would. Are you brave enough for that?

Do not go to the door. Text him to say you have nothing to discuss, this is harassment and he must leave.