Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

I always felt and have said often that my two principles in life are 'never live with a man' and 'never share a hotel room with an acquaintance' he was apparently 'hurt' when that got repeated back to him.

Him in Tesco made me reflect on why I had said about talking about moving in and decide I had only said it because I thought it would help him be an adult and would be a massive compromise for me that it was stupid to make.

Sorry to keep banging on...

He basically didn't let me know that our friend's memorial was tonight (he jumped off a ferry and body was never found). He texted to gloat that he hadn't invited me. I have sent his keys back to him with a note "all you are to me now is a story of ANOTHER ABUSIVE MAN who fucked up my life for a while"...

I hate being this crazy person but I am just SO gutted that I didn't get to properly say goodbye and grieve at the memorial. This guy was so wonderful. CSM was the last person he spoke to, I am finding it very hard not to blame him right now. I wish I had been there more for this guy and less for CSM.

There are always regrets, Offred, and if you think they are reasonable regrets you will remember and do things differently in future. I'm sorry you missed his memorial (and hope that strengthens your resolve to keep CSM even further away from you).

Now get some rest, go easy on yourself.

Off it's the first time I've seen this thread. I didn't realise you had all this going on.

You deserve so much better you know that

That was just utterly vile of him

Be kind to yourself

Oh offred that's really low and I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye to your friend. What kind of fucked up creep gloats about stuff like that?!?! I know you know it and I know it's been said a million times but your well shot of him. Like you said he's nothing current or new 'just another abusive man'.

UPDATE;

CSM was arrested on 1st April. The police have taken my phone for evidence processing, it hasn't gone to the CPS for a charging decision yet.

I haven't seen or heard anything from him for 6 months apart from seeing him all over twitter campaigning with my friends. I suspect politics is now a write off for me as no-one has contacted me since he was arrested and police have advised against engaging.

I haven't had a relapse (this time last year I did) so I have got through my first year with no relapses.

DD has been diagnosed with ASD and is coming on so so well, she has been going out of the house and writing feelings poems as well as doing beautiful art which she has allowed be to display on the wall.

The twins did amazingly well in their SATs, my eldest has got through his first year in high school relatively unscathed.

Everyone is generally more happy and settled, we have a fab social worker and CAMHS have finally started engaging with DD properly.

And I actually feel happy and settled

Was he arrested for crimes against you?

Glad that things are going so well for you :)

What a wonderful post OP. I hope you are feeling justifiedly proud of yourself.

YOU are all you and your DC need. Look how well they're doing and you haven't had relapse.

..... see you on the threads ... keep on smiling

Yes he was. I'm now feeling proud of myself really. I had a bit of a crappy experience with the ordinary police but felt brave enough to go back and pursue it after I got to a really really low place mentally. Something just switched and I thought 'it's time for you to stop turning this poison inwards and advocate for yourself'.

I've actually been happy at times. I've not been anxiously feeling responsible for what happens to him most of the time. If my thoughts turn to that kind of thinking I've been able to remind myself that I'm not doing anything to him just by reporting him. If the authorities think there is something in the report then the decision to bring it further will be up to them not me and the decisions to act in ways that made me feel so completely terrified of him were his not mine.

I didn't do anything that meant I deserved that, no-one possibly could.