Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

Yes, I am still frightened to initiate all this. I need to talk to my friend about it.

If I need her to she will march me down to the police station.

He does that often stormtreader. He is exactly like my DD (suspected ASD). He has a massive meltdown and then wants my reassurance so will shout and strop and then come out of it and cry and want comfort from me. Then he will cuddle me desperately all night.

So much of how he is is classically ASD but he won't get support for it, frequently doesn't see anything wrong and I haven't been able to cope with it for a long time.

He just has made me into this small frightened person who is afraid to question him.

And I am very conscious that I need to be sure I can cope with seeing this path through if I take it because if I yo-yo back it will remove it as a future option.

... and he becomes just the same as any other random person in the street demanding access to your house.

Quite right, stormtrooper (and that reminds me that we can add breaking and entering to the list, I think?)

Offered, this is all part of the disengagement you have to do. It's difficult to extricate your mind from it because you're in the thick of it, but you have to. You have to stop seeing him as anything to do with you. Picture him as a double glazing salesman. Do you give the first flying fuck whether a double glazing salesman meets his monthly quota, or gets enough commission to get those LEDs for his Subaru? Channel that outta-fucks-to-give.

Ha ha! Yes, I am almost there. The outta-fucks-to-give is almost almost enough... detach detach detach... that's what has lead to the poking of the nest recently.

And, if you don't want to overburden your friend, you know there are any number of Mumsnetters who'd be happy to have your back, even IRL.

I have the results of my MRI (looking for MS) on Friday. I know it's gonna sound lame but I don't think I'll be in a fit state to see things through this weekend.

I have already cried off seeing him tonight by having 'plans' which don't exist and can cry off seeing him at least one day this weekend because I have a potential catch up with new friends.

Then next week is my week with the kids and he respects not seeing me then so depending on results of test I might be in a good frame of mind to start actually taking steps forward.

Certainly if MRI has found something I will because I'll be motivated by getting out before I get really sick.

My friend is boss. There will be no problem with that! I helped her with her awful ex recently, crying on shoulder and also pre reading her emails, sitting with her for phone calls and telling her what to say so she will be keen to help.

I've booked some spa treatments this afternoon too. Just to focus on taking care of myself.

I also need to apply for that job...

I have printed the forms but waiting on MRI results.

And no I don't feel like I need any reason to end it, even though I have plenty, and I know that no reason I give is going to be good enough for him anyway. It would just give him an opportunity to argue that my reason isn't enough or to pressure me to fix things.

I understand that you are not initiating contact with him . But you still respond to his contact . You are still in a relationship with him .

I'm sorry if I am not understanding and I want to help and not make things worse . But I don't understand why you want an injunction against him instead of dumping him .

Simply because he is, feels to me anyway, undumpable. He will not accept it and I am worried that just as DD has got back on an even keel, if he involves my DC or my home (smashing things up) in any way with his turning up we will fall back into crisis with her.

Right now he hasn't even seen the DC in passing for 5 months.

I have broken up with him more times than I can count.

So if he comes to the front door and you don't let him in, what will happen ?

What happens if you block him number on the phone and don't reply to his emails ?

So you dump him and then you decide to take him back ?

If I block him he comes round. That may or may not be when my children are home.

If he comes round I have always let him in, I don't know what would happen if I didn't but I am worried it would be property damage to my rented home.

At which point reporting him to the police might get rid of him but might also lead to me and 4 kids being homeless.

Why would you and the kids become homeless because your ex is arrested outside your house ?

If he damaged the rented house, they would not renew my contract.

It would be hard to get a reference and therefore hard to get another property.

But if you call the police they will arrest him and charge him. You will have a crime reference . Your landlord will show this to their insurers who will fix it .

You will have filmed all this on your phone . You will have called your friends and neighbours who will be witnesses. His reputation will be in tatters .

Has he ever been violent in public before ? Does he have a criminal record ? Is he known to the police?

But I will still have to move. LLs are not a social service and it was very hard to get this property in the first place. I don't believe they would be understanding about it at all. I had to pay a big deposit just to get them to take me on in the first place.