Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

Two weeks from now he will be shouting at me. I know it.

Urgh...

I told my friend earlier today that I thought I might call the police if he turned up. Why the hell did I open the door?

Is he out now? If he knows he had issues and will seek help why didn't he do it already? He's been a twat for a long time from what I can see. Don't be taken in by the crocodile years. You deserve far better.

Shamefully, I am at his. He got me with seeing the dog.

I love the dog, urgh...

It doesn't have to change anything though. I am physically here but it don't need to be emotionally here.

Urgh indeed. But I expect we all get it.

I think you are kidding yourself that you aren't there emotionally. But you are right that it doesn't have to change anything. He doesn't have to have the chance to shout at you in two weeks time because tomorrow or the next day when you haven't had wine, when you aren't sat vulnerable and waiting, you can reassess how you feel and what you want.

Sounds like you made progress this month. That progress is still there.

Sorry that sounded more caring when typing. Hope you're ok.

No, it sounded caring.

I think I honestly didn't really expect him to turn up. I was hiding in the back room all day and evening Saturday with the lights off so if he turned up it would look like I wasn't in.

Stupidly thought i was ok yesterday so sorted through the washing and watched some TV in the front room. He could see me through the blinds. That's why I opened the door.

I'm not at all sure what to do now. I have been very blunt with him that I cannot take anymore let downs and he can't just keep saying he is going to ask for help.

But it is the same old thing really. Nothing that hasn't been said a million times before.

... hand hold from me too, Offred.

Your situation sounds horrible, and damaging. I read your other thread as well and I've wanted to smack your boyfriend with a frying pan.

He's using all the 'hooks' to keep you where he wants you, ie. needing him, and he goes just so far and then no more because he knows the limits. That's not love, that's masochism and you deserve better.

I know you know that but I don't think it's the right time for you to take the ultimate positive step in dumping his sorry arse. You'd feel a hell of a lot better and so would your children as they see their much loved mum on this rollercoaster all the time, at his mercy. That's not fair. I think it will get to a point at which you say 'No More!' and mean it, and that will be a day for celebration.

In the meantime, you have lots of positive things going on in spite of him - your graduation - congratulations! Your article 'going viral' after peer review - congratulations! Just focus on those things for now. The rest will come.

Yes congratulations on your graduation. What a huge achievement.

I understand maybe now is not the right time for you but I think it's worrying that you felt you would call the police if he turned up. I hope you feel able to do what feels right for you just now.

Maybe a chat with one of your friends would help.

Oh love, it's so hard, just want to hug you. However you'll get there. You are too strong and smart not to. And congratulations on your graduation, bloody well done!

I'm ok actually today. I spoke to my friend she said I should just try and get on with my life and see what happens re him going to the doctor.

I'm pretty sure he is on the spectrum and has never been diagnosed and he has ADHD but I don't want to fall into a trap of just letting him do crap stuff to me and making excuses for him.

I've done happy Halloween fun with the children today and also TBH I am quite glad he will be around to be a buffer between me and my mum on Friday.

All good positive stuff. Glad you've had a better day.

Oh Offred, I'm so sorry to read this! I'm long-standing MNer with name change, have always enjoyed your contributions. What a rubbish situation and I quite see how it is grinding you down.

Your friend is right - I think the leap you need to make is inside your head, to focus on yourself, and let go of any need you feel to explain yourself to him or sort this mess out or even assess it in any way whatsoever. You have a lot going on (good things and tough things) and you need all your strength for that. Someone who is a drain on you just doesn't get your airtime. There's no drama in this, no big emotional showdown, it's just how things are. You can take as long as you need to achieve this mindset, but it will happen, and then it will be up to him. It IS open to him to sort himself out, but it sounds to me like he needs to hit rock bottom first. What a lot of effort for you.

I'm sorry I know this is easier said than done. It so often seems to be the strong, flexible, open-minded people who end up with this kind of dickhead, because they can deal with it beyond the point others would. This has a lot of resonance for me...

So, so far. He turned up (1/2 hour late) to my graduation and went to sleep. Then we had a stonking argument where he smacked over my bedside lamp (DC at their dad's) and I asked him to leave a number of times. He said 'no because I want to sort this out' got into my bed and started crying about his friend who died.

He came round on Sunday, basically for sex.

It is pointless handwringing about 'he doesn't get it'. I already know he doesn't get it. He was partly upset because he had been totally incommunicado until 10.30 on Friday morning because he had 'been thinking about what you said about why does he want a girlfriend if he isn't prepared to be a boyfriend'... so he hadn't bothered to think about my graduation or how I would be feeling. Just all wrapped up in himself.

I know what you will all say and I agree.

I have this freeze response when he is aggressive. When he smacked over my lamp I was surprised at how I shouted at him to go over and over but ultimately it didn't work because he just ignored me and got in my bed....

More is required from me, I know... I have been desperate to keep this away from my children but it seems increasingly unlikely.

1/2 late for the ceremony I might add! Not just for the hanging around.

Just wish there was something we could all do to help you find the strength to stop torturing yourself by maintaining a relationship with him.

I understand it's really hard to end it

I know. I want to write it all down.

It has helped me before and with respect to this 'relationshit' he always tries to mess with my head 'why are you shouting? What about the neighbours? I have been nothing but reasonable'

If I write it then it it isn't his narrative that is in control.

It's hard to get him to accept the end.

If I don't speak to him he comes round, if I tell him to leave he won't, if I tell him it is over and there is nothing left to say he won't accept it.

It's only the hardline calling the police etc things that will be effective but I am worried about my kids in that. I'm keeping him away at the moment.

What a dick.

Does he have a key? And if not, are you prepared to actually not let him in? (And are you there yet?)

Hand hold here. Gods know you've been there enough for others, that even if you're starting to piss me off a little with this nebulising, I'd rather support you than say nowt.

Find your strength, fellow viper! You know it's in there!

Ha ha preemptivesalvageengineer!

I know it's annoying. I am annoying myself!

No violetta no key. I'm not sure re the not letting him in, if he doesn't see me absolutely yes but if he sees me I'm not sure...

What happens if you don't tell him it's over you just stop bothering to respond to his messages/phone calls?

He comes round