Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

Going to his workplace would be amusing! He would absolutely die of embarrassment and then seethe with anger!!

That will probably form part of my secret fantasies this week.

The other girl works in his office btw. Ha ha ha!

Perhaps actually turning up work may be the way to go then... I mean in all seriousness he certainly wouldn't kick off!

No, he wouldn't kick off but he might lose his job, which is on reasonably tenuous ground anyway for reasons that are mainly not his fault.

I think that'd be kind of shitty and also wouldn't be good for me for getting more involved with the local party as he works for the Labour MP in the constituency next to mine.

Though imagining their faces is funny! Imagining making the local papers 'psycho girlfriend lynches worker at MP's office!' Not so much!!!

Sounds like meeting him very near work could be a good move then!

Would certainly mean he'd just have to listen politely then let you leave.
You could even add a line to your speech about not only have you had advice from Police, but also anonymously from his employer about the conduct they expect from their employees and the redress for anyone bringing the organisation into disrepute.
Might that keep him away from you and stop him coming round?

Sorry just read about him losing his job....but a quiet conversation with someone in the foyer wouldn't threaten his job would it?
Anyway in think his appalling and sinister behaviour deserves him getting in trouble, but I appreciate that is easy for me to say.
Is what he's told you about the job being tenuous definitely true? If so might it be more of his fault than he is letting on?

No I know all about the stuff with his job independently of him (and from him obvs) various gossip etc

I have been involved and seen some of it too. It was me who first pointed out to him various problems with his workplace and his boss' attitude and spent time convincing him that it wasn't just a case of doing illegal things he was told to for an easy life, his boss was not correct that everybody does it and no-one cares and that he could be quite seriously culpable if it was exposed and his involvement in it exposed.

Sat up late writing employee grievances for him and giving him what advice I could and signposting to orgs that could help him. Encouraged him to stand up for himself and he did but boss did not like him taking a stand.

Helped him negotiate a pay rise and better working conditions etc

Boss would definitely cling onto me turning up as an excuse to dispose of him. Boss is aware he is informed re criminal and employment law now so can't get rid of him in a dodgy manner.

I don't think it would sit well with me to cause that and it would have consequences and cause dramas for me that would be unnecessary and unhelpful.

But yes, he would deserve it and I will dine out on the fantasy.

His boss is an even worse cunt than he is

I would have liked to report boss for said illegality and have not out of loyalty to him but can (and have documentary evidence having gathered it and written grievance etc) if we are not together anymore.

And it did make me really angry and disappointed that I spent years convincing him it was wrong and being shouted at that I 'didn't understand how politics worked and it is really important' for him to kill himself doing a load of other people's work whilst actually making himself liable for all sorts (docking of wages and poss criminal prosecution) and told i was being selfish and unsupportive, him then come round but be heavily heavily dependent on me sorting a lot of it out for him - signposting, writing grievance, collecting evidence, reading through years of emails, being available constantly on messenger for ad hoc advice about what to say/do as it was happening and approve emails he was thinking of sending only for him to offer to take me to my MRI, forget about it then say he wanted a nap and I should phone him to wake him up if he wasn't there by a certain time (last minute). But this is the real him. He believes I am his mother and he believes mothers are servants.

offered, Disengage from him, his work problems, you are indeed Mothering him & every time he spits the dummy you run to save him.
You are being used, & as you have seen when it coms to you needing support there is None.
I don't think the idea having a show down in his work place was intended. Just a final concise couple of sentences, saying you are not continuing any relationship with him & about turn.
You do not need to justify, he already knows why, He may have problems, sob, make promises, we all know that EA script by heart.
This relationship is not good for you. it is not all about him, End it.
if he loses his job he will have no money & come crawling back for you to finance on top of everything else, he will be angry & you will take the brunt of that anger. You already know this.
Any harassment call the police.

offred you have given so much.
Don't have enough expletives for him.

OK so the work issues are real, but (being a bit bloody minded) I don't see how even an evil boss could use a quiet conversation in work reception as a reason to sack someone?

There just seems to be so much fear for you about approaching him never mind ending it. I feel for you. He is a massive bully and they ruin lives. You are here though and that's good.

I am not suggesting you cause him to lose his job (just think he deserves it!) I am just thinking of an effective way for you to approach him to end this situation and end your personal association with him.
I can see other bits of your lives are connected as well and you don't want to cause issues with/for other people.

The suggestion of going to his workplace was merely to speak quietly to him knowing that he would keep face and not kick off. Certainly no intention of creating a scene that could lose him his job.

Wishing you lots and lots of strength to stand up to the bully that he is as well as being an emotional vampire.

KOKO

Thanks! I know it was but it is also now a deliciously evil fantasy. His boss is horrendous and he has a working lunch so could not catch him on downtime. Speaking to me would not be allowed because it would be 'work time'. Boss got angry about CSM (creepy stalker man) not being in work when he was in hospital on a morphine drip with kidney stones and also he wrote off his car on the motorway driving for something that wasn't allowed to be work related that he had told him he had to do as part of his job because he was exhausted being treated like a slave and expected to be quick so he would be able to finish his actual work. Boss 'made him' borrow his dad's car to complete the task the day after because he crashed the car before he got to where he was going.

I am totally not under any illusions that his boss being a totally scary twat to him means he is any less of a totally scary twat to me.

Boss is an MP so believes he is above the law I think and is an absolutely shocking employer.

I actually think he should know be held to a higher standard really re bullying me given his work situation and how badly it has affected me and how much I have loyally helped him.

*Affected him! Freudian slip! It did badly affect me because he was leaning on me over it during exam time.

I hope the more you write the stronger you feel about what you need to do?

Because it's so so clear from many of your posts how much there is only "him" in his world, and only "him" in your relationship - and actually you sound like you've given way too much of your head space to him.

All this work talk while you've been acing a law degree and looking after DC.

ah one of those bosses.
ambush him after work?

anyway, it'll be next week now.
I tend to agree that you don't wait for his next move but go to him to end it and say the stuff about having had advice from Police to call if he is at your property and also that you will consider making a report form you to his employer if he approaches you in any way.
Could you deliver this on his doorstep but not go in?
Do you want the dog back?

remove the "consider" bit - that you WILL make a report

his work is the weak spot you need it seems

all of it offred, ALL of it has affected you more than him

Yes, I'm being a tad jittery today but I know it is just the scan results tomorrow and that I must stay away and I am.

Fortunately DTS is off school ill so he is being really cuddly in my bed all day.

The others are not quite so beautifully pathetic when they are ill. He is like the last of the romantics, laying still, white as a sheet, looking like he is dying of TB, and using a 'small voice' whenever he politely asks for a drink. "Mamma when you can please can you get me a dwink?"

He is always like that even when he has the tiniest sniffle. He only has a cough and a sore throat today.

DS is a massive hysterical drama queen, DD is usually just angry at everything and DTD refuses to ever be ill and if she is too ill to avoid being ill will be quite miffed and then better very quickly.

I am glad it is him that is ill today...