Could I maybe have a hand hold?

[Offred]

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

It is not about me making excuses for him or thinking he will in anyway be able to benefit me. It's about protecting myself from being caught when I am vulnerable which is what he is very good at doing.

And it is a no kids weekend so it is perfectly possible. I have a clp meeting Friday evening, girls night Saturday and can go to my lovely friend's on Sunday. Weekend sorted.

Will he be at the clp meeting?

No, he goes to a different one.

Do you mind me asking roughly how long you've been with this guy, and what proportion of that time was a happy, mutually supportive time?

About 3 1/2 years and only the first six months I.e. When we were dating and not actually together.

But that time was faked because I have found out just recently that he was deliberately lying about particular things that were important to me.

Stupid question alert....For all the analysis of the relationship - and he is without doubt an abusive dick - there is I guess a big dose of straightforward loneliness? Is that the source of the vulnerability whereby you repeat patterns of an abusive childhood?

Sorry if that's too obvious or simplifying it too much. Or just incorrect. (Or just massive projection - sorry if so)

Its one thing to know intellectually it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship and there is support out there - all of that may be true. But being alone is not easy and i imagine facing possible illness alone is scary shit.

Having no one is scary. It's different to being afraid to be single. Of course as everyone says having him is worse than no one because he lets you down, he drains you and worse. But to accept that must be difficult, especially if you are worried about health.

I know this must all seem obvious. But sometimes it helps to see the simplicity.

But - it sounds like you have support and at least one solid friendship to sustain you that maybe weren't there before? It sounds like you are less alone than maybe you were in the past. There are friends who care?

These friendships are fairly new and you've been putting effort recently into strengthening them? Surely if you keep your focus there then it's going to get easier to get shot of him. The weekend plan sounds good. And really, on any weekend, in any circumstances, what would he add?

I'm at my least concise when sleep deprived! Regretting staying up all night! Off to nap while my youngest does.

Hi, sorry if I come across as unsympathetic - yes, I do understand how it feels to have the Diagnosis of Damocles hanging over you, and something genetic (so I have to worry about whether DS is next, as if I'm not depressed enough already).

It's exactly at this sort of time you need to protect yourself. All the more.

I see other posters have chimed in, and more articulately than I can do at the moment.

So, you're saying not be available for him at all over the weekend? I think it's probably best if you're elsewhere. Got any friends in another town? (If not, consider sunny Essex. )

These friendships are fairly new and you've been putting effort recently into strengthening them? Surely if you keep your focus there then it's going to get easier to get shot of him

Yes, I've been putting effort into them for this reason.

It is the health thing really. I have become scared of being alone and ill. I seem to get into these relationships through a combination of naïveté and rescuer tendencies.

I never want life to be bad for people. I've attracted a load of friends and relationships who just end up dependent on me looking after them.

Ha ha! Yes, after my last appointment I went out of town. I could do. That made me a bit anxious feeling as if I have to run away.

I should go to the CLP because I often can't go due to children etc but I'll be amongst friends there.

It will be good for me to catch up with the new friends too but that will keep me here as well.

Just had a great phone call re DD too - new school have made room for her and the LA is doing a managed transfer under fair access to make sure it works out.

Think of this man as a "black hole". an all absorbing, bottomless hole for his needs & his pleasure. He is using you for sex & mopping up his financial mess.
he may profess to knowing he has problems, but his promises to try & fix them are a smoke screen. real or false, his problems are his excuse for him being a manipulative predator.
Have you realised that he brings you wine, knowing you are not going to reject him when you have drunk too much, meanwhile he isn't drinking. he then violently forces you to do sexual acts against your wishes ?
Feeling the need for comfort on Friday is human, but allowing him to be the comforter is basically the same as self harming.
feeling out of control & taking another slice with a razor is clearly not healthy.
Offred, please do keep busy this w/e. but also stand tall, & tell him your relationship has "definitively come to the end, it is not working for you".
Tell him you are blocking his number, you will not be replying. You will not be opening the door, & as PP said, have taken the advise given by the police to contact them is there is any further stalking or violence.

Yes I know he probably gives me wine for the same reason I have been drinking it.

I know it would be self harm. That's why I want to just be unavailable. He'll leave me to go to the clp, it's a politics thing and so is more important than anything ever.

he gives you wine, you drink it. Is more self harm.

Huge support for you here, I hope I didn't come over as being critical.
Great that you have the weekend sorted.
Good luck for results on Friday.

He rarely gives me wine, he is always skint!!! Ha ha! I'm ususally entirely and solely responsible for that particular self harm. But he'd want the sex anyway.

I can take it, I wouldn't talk about it on here if I couldn't and I'd be a massive hypocrite to get het up about straight talking even if it wasn't actually what I was asking for and wanting on this occasion!

What did you think about the reasons PP gave for advising you not to go over to his house to end it?
Are you going to leave it til after the weekend now?

Well I thought they thought I might be going round to see him or would crumble under pressure of him feeling confident on his turf. I don't think I would be as cowed as I have been if did, and I think he would be destabilised by me just turning up, but in the end I decided just to have a relaxing evening without drama related to him.

Sorry, you wanted a hand hold not straight talk. No intention of putting the foot in, just hoping you get shot of this bastard asap.

OK. When you're ready, I think the idea of you going to him (cafe near workplace) to end it has merit.

Or reception at his workplace unannounced, you can say it quietly and walk away.

Of course you are worried about being ill. You've made a good weekend plan, especially given how you must be feeling. You'll get there on the rest.
Is anyone going with you Fri? Sorry if you've already said.

I also think there is merit seeing him out of your home, over coffee, or in a public place so he won't sob, yell, or throw rocks. You can walk away if it gets abusive

My DD is coming with me because she still won't be in school. I wouldn't ask my mother because she's an arse too. Haven't told her I am going but will tell her the result and get the lecture about 'why didn't you tell me I would have taken you in the car!'

I honesty don't mind the straight talking!!!