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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

249 replies

Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:15

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

OP posts:
BoxingHelena · 07/12/2016 09:56

very late to this but yes well done, although it is only the very beginning of the end so do look after yourself as there will be a massive backlash

some other posters have mentioned "borderline", I second that. I have been with one too, and once you know the signs and patterns it is very easy to spot them in other stories

they feed on strong emotions, good and bad. Or rather even the smallest emotions (say seeing a photo of your ex) is a massive issue from them like life or death.

If he is already 40+ he is not going to change, ever

Idodo · 07/12/2016 09:59

Why don't you try blocking him and tell yourself it's just for half a day or something? You would be amazed how much headspace it frees up. Just try it and see how it feels.

Deadsouls · 07/12/2016 10:00

No, no texts yet, I feel like I don't need to block his number because I have really made up my mind this time after a lot of thought and nothing he can say will change that.

So it makes no difference if you do block his number then, if you've made your mind up. I think a part of you wants to hear from him which is okay. It just makes it more difficult to stick to no contact.
Blocking etc is a real affirmation to yourself that you are moving on and you don't want to hear from him. It means that you are not waiting to hear from him, or anxious in case you do or don't hear from him. You don't know what might happen in a weak moment. You might decide to respond or engage with him.

Deadsouls · 07/12/2016 10:02

Also what tribpot said. You don't want the block because you want to keep the connection alive just in case.

BoxingHelena · 07/12/2016 10:05

block him
you are not that strong yet, you can be, but it takes time / silence / focus on yourself
block him
and read something on codependency

pinkyredrose · 07/12/2016 10:09

If you've made your mind up then it should be easy to block him shouldn't it? Unless it seems too final and you want to keep the door open?

Costacoffeeplease · 07/12/2016 10:23

Block him ffs, why on earth wouldn't you?

Original poster
Username789 · 07/12/2016 10:46

I have deleted his number and blocked him

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/12/2016 10:51

Blocked him on Facebook? Blocked him from SMS? What about other apps like Whatsapp?

Original poster
Username789 · 07/12/2016 10:59

Yes he is blocked everywhere, I got an app to block texts as my phone didnt do that

OP posts:
Chops2016 · 07/12/2016 10:59

Fantastic, now stay strong this time. Focus on your DD. She deserves better than being exposed to this and it's up to you to be a strong role model for her.

Make sure he's blocked on EVERYTHING; fb, whatsapp, phone, email.. And keep a record (screencap) of you telling him you dont want contact and any time he breaches that. You might need it in the future. X

Nabootique · 07/12/2016 11:05

Well done OP. There will come a time where you look back and you will be astounded that you didn't see it all for what it was at the time, and that you allowed yourself to be treated like this. All the best.

xStefx · 07/12/2016 11:10

This guy sounds like he will make yours, your childs and your ex's life a misery. He will do his best to make you and your ex argue, then in turn the child will suffer. Get rid OP, first year is meant to be good, sorry but its more of an exhausting joke

BoxingHelena · 07/12/2016 11:11

for whatsapp, make sure you check in setting / blocked numbers and it is there, because if you delete a number from your contacts it cannot block it anymore, just double check

Original poster
Username789 · 07/12/2016 11:13

Ok thanks Helena I will check

OP posts:
CharlieChipmunk · 07/12/2016 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Username789 · 07/12/2016 13:34

Yeah thanks for that Charlie as if I'm not already feeling low enough

OP posts:
Anonymoususer1938 · 07/12/2016 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greypaw · 07/12/2016 14:14

OP, whatever your course of action, I do think you need to be aware that these cycles are toxic and are already damaging you, and he is unlikely to change. Perhaps look up IDD cycles (idealise, devalue, discard) and see if you recognise them?

The things he's said to you aren't true. It's not the case that "no man would put up with this" and it's not the case that there's something awful wrong with you, he's just convincing you there is so that you'll be broken enough to stay with him, and he's convincing himself that his behaviour is ok. He can't cope with you having any kind of healthy relationship with your ex, and so he's labelling it unhealthy and telling you no one else would tolerate it either (so don't go looking elsewhere). I'm worried that you've already started absorbing the messages he's given you. If you are feeling crazy, remember that if you were really as dysfunctional as he says you are, it would show up in other relationships too. How are your relationships with family, friends, colleagues? How were your relationships with men in the past? If no one else has brought up the issues he has, then that puts the problem squarely at his door.

And even if the problem is with you (I seriously doubt it) - so what? Just because you have traits he doesn't like, doesn't mean they are bad traits. If he doesn't like the person you are, it's up to him to leave and stay gone, not up to you to change in order to keep him. Let him leave and find someone he does like, so you can find someone who adores you for everything you are, including that empathic, sensible part that wants to have a good relationship with your ex for the sake of your child.

Be aware he may be furious. In the past he has broken up with you and initiated a reunion (and probably waited until you'd apologised and promised to change before love bombing you again). He was always the one in control. By ending it yourself, you have taken back control and he might find that hard. I doubt you'll get long messages of love and regret (possible, but doubtful). I imagine you'll either get some very hurtful messages listing all your supposed character defaults - which blocking him will protect you from, or a stony silence. Although it may be hard, I would be incredibly wary of getting back with him after you have initiated this split; I imagine the punishment he'd put you through for daring to do it would be pretty long-lasting.

Hope you're ok.

Nabootique · 07/12/2016 14:24

Charlie I suggest you RTFT Hmm

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 07/12/2016 15:25

Well done OP, I suggest you try to take up a hobby of some sort... Sewing maybe or even go out and buy a lot of books you've always wanted to read. If you keep yourself busy it'll be less temping to contact him or look him up out of boredom.

CharlotteCollins · 07/12/2016 16:38

The "seeming reasonable" aspect of men like this is a real headfuck, so don't blame yourself for all the confusion and drama he has created.

Now, write yourself a reminder why you dumped him and why you don't want to get back together. Hopefully you have more to write than "MN told me too"! You might get inspiration from this thread, but things will occur to you as time goes by. That will give you strength if you feel like unblocking him or if he turns up at the door.

ISpeakJive · 07/12/2016 16:59

OP, I know you're feeling incredibly fragile at the moment but you have 100% done the right thing for you and your daughter.

pinkyredrose · 07/12/2016 17:35

Well done OP, you've made the thought decision. He was no good for you. Lick your wounds and move on worth your head held high!

CharlieChipmunk · 07/12/2016 17:39

I read the thread

She'll be back with him tomorrow

I'd be sympathetic if this was a 16 year old. Or her husband. Or father of her child

Less so when it's just some random she's been dating for a few months.

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