Feeling a little bit down in the dumps about my lack of a love life...

[pinkmusicstand]

I'm a 35 year old single mum to a five year old DD. Split up with her dad when I found out I was pregnant however it was all a bit complicated as we had occasional 'reunions' until she was about a year old and I said enough and finally cut it all off.

Ex is now happily coupled up with a new girlfriend, which I'm totally OK about. No feelings between us anymore, so not at all complicated.

I've had a couple of short term relationships since then, lasting no more than 6 months.

I find it difficult to meet new men. I've tried OLD but haven't got anywhere with it. Most of the men I meet in RL are married/coupled up. I have had lots of crushes on men, even if they are single I don't think they even know I exist. I am unbelievably horny all of the time.

I just don't think it's going to happen for me. I don't think I'll ever meet someone nice. The type of guys who do express interest are usually weirdos/creeps/in relationships. Am dismayed why I attract these types and not a normal, nice single guy.

I never get asked out. I think I'm OK looking, am reasonably intellegent (have a degree and currently doing an MA), kind, caring etc. I think I'm a nice person. I just don't seem to be able to meet someone who thinks the same.

Don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to get it off my chest. Feeling a bit down about it all at the moment. This idea that I will be left on the shelf for ever.

I think it can be done, Funny - I have friends who married in their forties. But it very much depends how much time you have to invest in the process - I personally am very time-poor at the moment! Good luck with it.

Yes, I think that will be my downfall mOstly, only have about 2 hours per week spare!!
Looking ahead am hoping to gain a bit more as kids get older, will probably take me several years to pluck up the courage!

I have a group of friends who are a bit older (not by that much actually, but since they all had their kids younger and now have teenagers/ empty nests and I still have small children they seem to be from the "generation above").
Anyhoo, they have their share of grey hair and wrinkles. There are a lot of 50th birthdays going on at the moment!

I remember a few years back they were sometimes a bit difficult to hang around with because they would go on a bit too much about being single/ there being no good men/ being on the shelf. etc.etc....

Not a peep from the lot of them on that subject recently though, because they are all COUPLED UP .

(with seemingly decent men, by and large, I feel that I have to add).

You are basically telling me I can't possibility enjoy getting older all men will ignore me once I am over 40 so I had better get used to it now

Don't know if this a positive story but in relation to the age thing. I have pretty much dated older women. I would say 90% of the time. Not by particular preference but the women I have been attracted to have tended to be older. Mainly ranging from a couple to 8 years but it has been upto 14 years age difference. I have always had a maturity beyond my years. It just tends to be that the women who are more intresting and have more to say for them self's have tended to be older. The main exception being my ex wife who was a few years younger than me. But to be honest I am not bothered by age so much.

I find that most women on OLD are looking for older men, so that rules me out often.

I know it all seems pessimistic but the reality for me is a single working parent with two young kids it's just not possible. My kids need and deserve pretty much all of my free time. To properly go at it on OLD it takes time and energy I don't have. Never mind comiting time to a real relationship. But I have had a few nice and rewarding flings/casual things with like minded women often in the same boat. I do dream one day of having a proper life relationship again and growing old together. But probably not till the kids have grown up. So yes I do belive in happy endings one day (just not any time soon).

"the reality for me is a single working parent with two young kids it's just not possible. My kids need and deserve pretty much all of my free time. To properly go at it on OLD it takes time and energy I don't have. "

That absolutely nails it, DAD.

Being ignored by men (which I am) doesn't mean life isn't enjoyable. I've done some fantastic stuff recently (climbing in Italy with DC, playing fabulous music with friends, got some really interesting research on the go at work). It just means I don't have a sex life. Now, I miss having a sex life, and I think it is okay to occasionally have a whinge about that. Having the occasional whinge shouldn't be taken as indicative of either (a) suicidal depression and a feeling that my whole life is worthless or (b) a belief that all men are bastards. Overall, my life is very nice thank you. And most of the men in it - friends, friends' partners, colleagues - are lovely. (It would just be nice to have the occasional orgasm with someone else in the room!)

You are right Dad, still gives me something to daydream about whilst ironing!
Totally agree mOstly, just having a whinge has made me feel so much better -and less alone.

M0stlyHet agree. I am very lucky in life in general. I have a great life and happy kids. We dont really want for anything and we have some fun. Dont get me wrong there has been some real dark low times too. Times when I have been completely lost. But a positive outlook has always pulled me through. I have just about licked my wounds from my ex wife and the stuff she put me through. I have also been able to find a bit of a sex life on the rare occasion that has been exciting, intresting and a great boost to my almost lost confidence. Though it I have met some intresting women and restored my faith in the oppersite sex again. In fact the irony is I feel more positive and confident with women than ever before in my life but I am not in a position to use this new found me. I really am a new me in that respect. But kids are always job number one.
Life on the whole is a peach, so why complain? But how ever much we have it doesn't mean we don't miss what we haven't got. I am happy alone but I still miss having someone there for me and to share my life with. My life is great and maybe that's why I want to share it so much. I guess we all just want that person who gets you, who is in your corner no mater what, who is just feels right when their in your arms.

And was it Bob Hoskins who said it's good to moan. Wasn't it?

I too am not unhappy alone, certainly after a 25 year abusive marriage. I try to be positive and happy in RL, Bob was spot on, sometimes it is good to moan, get it out your system and carry on. I love my kids more than anything and they will always come first. We are all still coming to terms with our new life-and on the whole, it's great. Know what you mean when you say life is great and wanting to share that.
How do you find time for a sex life? Short of midnight rendevouz, can't imagine when
I would squeeze it in, and mine are teens!

I've made a decision and have taken the plunge and gone back to OLD , shall see how it goes , not holding out much hope ,but we shall see.

I must admit, I have had a look over the last couple of days......

The funniest thing about doing this kind of thing in a rural area is seeing all the blokes you know on there.....and comparing the spiel to the reality!

I did immediately notice that the blokes my age that I looked at were looking for women my age though (I'm 42).....

Ah sex life is occational. I get two weekend a month. One weekend the kids go North to my ex at her parents house the other weekend my ex comes and stays with the kids in my house. So I get the house to myself once a month. Also they sometimes spend time with me ex for parts of the school holidays. Plus some of those weekends I am working or enjoying something more wholesome like meeting with my mates. So sex is about once a month to 2 months with a bit of bonkaphon in the summer school holidays. I am not really into a quicky or squeezing in a little midnight rendezvous. So everything is planned weeks ahead and makes it really special. Sometimes due to a lack of kids free houses book a nice hotel and just escape the hum drum of everyday life and explore that adult side of imagination and passion for a night. It's nice to wake up in the morning next to someone, sad that it's back to reality shortly after.

Aagh, well unfortunately i have mine 24/7 so guess it really is impossible. Haven't even had a night out for 10 months as they kick off if I do. Mostly this is fine, and as they are teens, won't be long 'till I get a bit more freedom. Will probably be on here whingeing about empty nest then!!!!

By the way, good luck rover and stubborn, keep us informed

I feel the same been on the shelf a while now, I'm young, attractive I have a job and no kids but I never seem to meet anyone, I'm not one for going out partying every weekend but even when I do I never meet anyone or even bump into any guy I'd be remotely interested in
Most of the guys I know my age are 'seeing' girls which is having there cake and eat it in my eyes, they've got these girls hanging round like dogs sleeping with them but the guy will not commit and have god knows how many other girls on the go, I know for a fact I do not want to be one of those girls I feel sorry for them
It seems in this day and age there's no commitment, nothing's ever official and girls are easy now a days so if they've got sex on tap they have no reason to take girls out on dates and get to know them and maybe form a real relationship
I'm not shaming girls that do this men have been sleeping around forever so why shouldn't women be able to do it as well, I just couldn't be one of this women I make them wait and if they can't wait then I know not to get into anything as there only after one thing
I am however becoming lonely and feel invisible to men and I'm wondering whether to just throw the towel in and accept I'm not going to meet the one and just get on with my life on my own. I feel modern day dating is just very difficult it's like the lottery, you keep playing even though you know you'll never win

That is difficult Funnylady123. They are making progress with VR and robotics. Maybe a studophon3000 would be worth a purchase? Maybe upgrade to the one that features David Hasselhoff sound effects and chest rug (made from real donkey hair). Especially because unlike real men you can turn a robot off at end of day and stick in the cupboard when not in use. Or I wonder can you mail order Thai husband's? Although the postage on a 5ft+ parcel from Thailand is probably extortionate.

Joking aside at least the end is in sight and freedom awaits. Time to explore your wildest fantasies. Don't worry about empty nest. Turn the nest into a love shack. Seriously you have sacrificed a lot your kids so I hope you find some more joy in the years ahead.

haha, thanks for making me chuckle. My biggest problem is that I am a hopeless romantic, technology would have to advance a lot to bring me a knight.
Although the idea of of a love shack does sound quite nice!

Funnylady glad I made you chuckle. You better start saving up for that hottub for when you get to boot the kids out.

nataliemej I get what your saying. I suppose you could say I am one of those have your cake and eat it guys. Although I don't see it that way. In fact for me is the oppersite. I get the cherry on top but never the rest of the cake. The trouble is I would quite like the rest of the cake too. To continue in metaphor land the cheery on top is very sweet and an important part to me but it is the rest of the cake that is filling and nourishing, often with another unexpected sweet filling hidden within. I cave that too but the kids leave me no time to comit my self to the rest of the cake. But there are some in the same boat who only have a little time for the cherry too. So for me (and for them) a cheery of the top now and then is better than nothing.

But you need to hold and find the man you deserve. There are men out there willing to comit and dedicate them all of their self to another till the day they die. I know because that was me once. Unfortunately I got my fingers badly burnt. Now my sole commitment are the two great kids that come out of that marriage. So good luck to you and hope you find what you are looking for.

Nataliemej- I think you are admirable and totally agree with your ethos of not wanting to just sleep around. I don't think any less of those that do, but it's not for me, I would rather remain alone, which has many positives. Don't know what your story is, but believe me, being single is way better than being with the wrong person, or settling for second best. I still hope that the right person will come along at the right time and really hope the same for you.

1dad , I know how you feel about getting burnt, I don't have a time when the kids are around ,have no family to help out ( all passed away) as for their so called mother ,she's totally vanished hasn't seen the kids for three years ,so I don't get a break , hopefully I will get more time to myself as they all get closer to adulthood,
Would just like someone to be there , for me before I get old and passed it !

Absolutely i couldn't sleep with someone I didn't have feelings for anyway and if i do really like someone I don't want to put out straight away incase I get used by them and get hurt, i just keep reminding myself you don't have to be half of mr and Mrs to be happy but it's hard sometimes but us women are strong creatures and maybe that's why we're single cos we will not put up with anyone's crap !

Roverman, know what you mean, I am not too unhappy now, but would love to meet someone before it's too late to build good memories.
Nataliemej- having spent so long in a really bad relationship, I would pick singledom over that any day, I will never take the crap I did again and I am very aware how easily I could get hurt, so am double wary, but I do still have a faint glimmer of hope that my soulmate is out there.

Heh heh, I wouldn't mind a bit of no- strings shaggery, easy lay that I am! . There does have to be "some" quality control and meeting of minds first, though.

I'm rather fancying a slightly younger man this time around, too. There's a "looks cliff" that people fall off some time between 40 and 50- suddenly you kind of cave in and look much older. I haven't fallen off that cliff yet all my body fat is keeping the wrinkles at bay, so it would be nice to have one last hurrah before I stagger off down the valley of decrepitude, as so many of the mid-40s men around me seem already to have done.

I could say that, as long as it's conducted with complete honesty, there's nothing wrong in men "seeing" someone, and not committing. However, that does ignore that this doesn't happen in a vacuum, and that we are bombarded with societal attitudes that tell us that this is what men should do, while women should aim for a committed relationship at all costs (yeah, because as research tells us, married women are so happy ), which leads to a massive power/ happiness imbalance.

I fear I have already fallen off that cliff! Hopefully I can catch a fellow faller on the way to the valley of decreptitude!