Feeling a little bit down in the dumps about my lack of a love life...

[pinkmusicstand]

I'm a 35 year old single mum to a five year old DD. Split up with her dad when I found out I was pregnant however it was all a bit complicated as we had occasional 'reunions' until she was about a year old and I said enough and finally cut it all off.

Ex is now happily coupled up with a new girlfriend, which I'm totally OK about. No feelings between us anymore, so not at all complicated.

I've had a couple of short term relationships since then, lasting no more than 6 months.

I find it difficult to meet new men. I've tried OLD but haven't got anywhere with it. Most of the men I meet in RL are married/coupled up. I have had lots of crushes on men, even if they are single I don't think they even know I exist. I am unbelievably horny all of the time.

I just don't think it's going to happen for me. I don't think I'll ever meet someone nice. The type of guys who do express interest are usually weirdos/creeps/in relationships. Am dismayed why I attract these types and not a normal, nice single guy.

I never get asked out. I think I'm OK looking, am reasonably intellegent (have a degree and currently doing an MA), kind, caring etc. I think I'm a nice person. I just don't seem to be able to meet someone who thinks the same.

Don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to get it off my chest. Feeling a bit down about it all at the moment. This idea that I will be left on the shelf for ever.

Myusername no, it doesn't have to be a man if all you want is adult conversation. But my friends and I all have busy careers and lives and people prioritise spending time with their partners/families/children and then might have time to catch up with a friend once every few weeks and a lot of friends to fit in. Which is fine if you also have a partner/family...

It's not about fulfilment hinging on another person, it's about knowing that there is someone out there in the world somewhere who is thinking about you, who cares and who prioritises you. Someone to make plans with, someone who wants to spend time with you, someone to just 'be' with.

I can get a conversation anywhere.

Ok but I think that this expectation is a huge giant thing to put onto another person - I really do understand and even when I date, this isn't what you get. You are talking about a deep and meaningful serious relationship. Dating is getting to know someone pretty slowly over a period of time it could take aaages before you got to this 'sharing your day and feelings with someone' stage even the nicest person you could meet, this just isn't realistic.
You are looking at the bigger picture not the smaller practical one, kind of like the end goal. I mean isn't this what everyone wants really, even married people? But you still never have the full package do you, because normal life just means it's not this romanticised. Happily married people usually are so because they have fulfilled lives in all other areas too. You must put the emphasis on all the other areas (career, kids, friends, hobbies) because when/of you do meet someone you don't let them become your world. And there is a danger of that I see on these boards every day with people not prioritising (or not making the effort) to keep their friendships and social lives alive. If a relationship fails or god forbid, they die, what do you have left?

Unfortunately you do have to accept that with dating you might have to go through the entire unfolding of your personality 100 times before you find someone who you might possibly get this with. Until then you need to put on a hard hat and enjoy your life in ALL other ways because otherwise, it is a waste IMO

I'm single by the way and have been for many years.
So I am not a married person telling you this

I am dating someone I haven't even slept with yet. We certainly do not rely on each other for company either

I'm 52 LittleTrip, so practically at Deaths door compared to you! :o

The theme of this thread is:

I'm too old
This is pointless
No one will want me
I don't know how to meet anyone but i am not really trying
All men are married
There are no men

argh! Is this attractive???!

Myusername I get what you're saying and I do agree with you.

My friends are all either long term married and have children and extended family commitments or family to visit for the weekend, or are 6-18 months into relationships that they are prioritising because they are all loved up and they spend much of their time together. My life is full where I want it to be and quiet where I don't. The people I know who are in newer relationships met their boyfriends at work.

I'm certainly not expecting man to have the answers.

I don't have any family outside of my children and I did notice that my friends and I saw each other more when they were single. But I get that. My best friend only spends 2 or 3 nights a week with her boyfriend anyway, she is meeting family commitments or working the other nights.

But I'm not even getting as far as dating. I don't meet single men who are interested in me. I meet men who are 20+ years older who flirt with me, and men 10 years younger who don't. I meet married men who proposition me for affairs/profess to have fallen in love with me/have decided their wife of 20 years is no longer bright and shiny enough and they want a new toy...

On the very rare occasions I meet single men my age, they're not looking at me, they're looking at the twentysomethings and trying to catch their eye.

Myusername It might be the theme of the thread, but I doubt that anyone saying that on here mopes about and through life bemoaning it.

I certainly don't.

Doctor 52 isn't that old

I think that, judging by the number of men on OD sites who describe themselves as, "just an ordinary bloke" who likes "going to the pub and watching the footie", I think I'm just not what a lot of men are looking for, I wasn't especially popular even when I was younger!

I'm not unattractive, I just think I'm an acquired taste!

One more...

I'm not desperate for a relationship; I'm happy to be single, I do things I want to do and go where I want to go. I think it would just be nice to meet someone who thought they'd like to see me again and get to know me better.

I'm not even really thinking about relationships. I'd take just being noticed and fancied, tbh.

I'm not desperate either but realised that I need to put effort into it if it was to happen! Which involves lots of OLD trials and errors, going new places and trying things I haven't done before.

You could look at every single aspect of everyone's situation to find reasons why you aren't meeting people but the simple facts are you have to continually cast your net further and wider and perhaps give people a chance you wouldn't usually (people don't always know what to write in a profile, so it's not always a true indication of them), kiss the frogs, maybe have sex one day, generally feel alive and in control. Yes children are somewhat of a barrier and age does change things but these are sweeping statements. Not all men want a younger girlfriend who might want more babies. Not all men just like the pub. Not all men are married letches, some are.

So youre someone who is dating someone at the moment and has found it relatively easy to get offers of dates.
That sounds great, I'll have that kind of life thanks! Its somewhat harder to kiss all the frogs when even the frogs are not particularly interested...

Exactly, Stormtreader.

It's easy to say that you have to go through a lot of OD trials and errors, Myusername but if no one is interested... It's not like i'm turning down dates indiscriminately!

And it isn't because I'm hideous. Or dull. Or uneducated. Or unemployed either...

I let male friends see my OD profile and they all said it was good, honest, funny, my photos were good (even my exh who said that he'd have contacted me on the basis of it!) But one of them said that it made me sound as though I don't need a man and, "I know you think it's sexist, but men like to feel that a woman needs them. You don't need anyone."

I'm dating someone now for a few weeks. Before that I hadn't dated for well over one year. And what you describe as wanting, I haven't had in a partner for about 7 years. I've done my single time and have felt this way before and frankly I think it can be a self fulfilling prophecy!

I do not think it's easy to get dates where did you get that from?
You cannot go down the road of thinking men have to do all the chasing either throw out your views on 'men don't like women who message first' or 'men don't like strong women'

You are so negative about this you can't even see someone telling you that if you wait, it might happen! Try new things! It might happen! Because that is smug of me???!!!

Positive story here. I met DH doing OLD. Been together 8 years now, and still going strong. I think my tip would to be, to sift out the crap very early on. Men who want to flirt but not meet up, are MARRIED (ime). And do not chase men. Let them chase you. If they like you, they will pursue you. If they are a bit "Meh" throw them back, and shout NEXT. Too many women waste time on men that just aren't that in to them. Don't waste energy on that. Good luck everyone

Myusername those aren't my views, that is what a man said to me. When I did OD, I was very proactive about making initial contact etc. I was very optimistic 3 or 4 years ago about meeting someone. It's experience that has led me to think it isn't going to happen. Not my miserable outlook!

I think it is assumed that you found it easy to get dates because of the "trial and errors" comment and kissing the frogs.

If a man isn't interested, you can't give him a chance.

I am seeing a couple of male friends this evening.

I'm sometimes tempted to ask them what they think the issue is.

The issue is that a lot of men are like kids in a sweetshop when it comes to online dating. My brother has been doing this for years. Sends loads of messages, gets a decentish reply rate and then dates loads of women. Gets what he wants and then starts again unless in his words "they are a good shag" in which case he might see them for longer! He doesn't want to settle down and is quite happy doing what he is doing on the nights he wants to do it. The other nights he does his hobbies and sees his mates. Cushy little life if you ask me!

Finding those that aren't is tough! A lot of blokes under 35 don't want to settle down and those over are usually already settled or divorced with a similar attitude to my brother.

Personally I prefer a dog.

The trial and the errors ebb and flow and this is one part of it. I also logged back online a few months to find about 20 of the same men in my area who were on there 3 years ago like me which leads me to conclude that it is not just women in this boat at all and we are all trying to make adjustments to how we come across. Maybe put some humour into your profile, make it shorter, change photos

What makes you think there isn't humour in my profile? Or that I haven't changed my photos?

I don't have any photos of me in a bikini to put on there, so that's out.
I don't have any photos of me wearing loads of make up and looking glamorous, because I don't do that.
I don't have any photos of me 'duck face'-ing because I don't want the sort of man who wants that sort of woman.
My photos are all clear, you can see my face clearly and are all of me doing things I've said I like to do in my profile so that it's obvious I'm not lying.

The men who used to contact me pre-40, always commented on how good my profile was and, after meeting, how true to me it was. Loads of men I spoke to said it was really refreshing to read a profile like mine and it was quirky and original and really showed the sort of person I was.

I've updated details that have changed on there, but I'm still the same person. Well, except that I'm now 41 and not 38.

There are still some of the same men on there as there were when I was on there 4 years ago and, in some cases, with the same profile pic! When I look at their profiles, they are looking for women whose maximum acceptable age is 10 years younger than them. Or men who are doing what Betty's brother is doing.

Don't think I've said, but I've reactivated my old profile, just to see what is out there and what i'm missing out on...

I was making suggestions. I'm not telling you I am perfect and know it all and you are wrong.
My purpose of being on the thread is to try to show another side and being proactive with this instead of agreeing it is overall a never ending demoralising negative experience. And that if it is, try find new things to do instead. Not to not focus on this as an end goal either. As you pass 30 this does get harder and more like work and work at it is what it takes unfortunately

I'm mid 30's, kids and over weight. I'm not Miss Perfect myself but I won't let this ruin or rule my life. I refuse!

I'm with myusername ...

We have an ongoing OLD dating thread for anyone interested. Advice and venting is plenty. Its on this board, think it's up to thread 109 fortunately I don't think it's taken anyone 109 pages to meet someone

Mid 30's is young. I'm a little younger, no children though so you could count your blessings to some extent I guess. If you're going to be single, you have to make the most of single life aswell ... no point moping about and talking about an imaginary shelf

No, I know, Myusername I'm not cross/frustrated with you and I'm sorry if it came across like that.

I'm just really fucked off with the situation, that's all. And all the things you/others are saying are things I've already considered/tried/am mindful of/do and it makes no difference.

If I were getting asked out and I was being overly critical and intentionally sabotaging my chances, I might wonder if there was something I could do differently. But I'm not sure that there is

This year, I've turned down 3 married men and that it all. So not many men I could be giving chances to there...

Dust down the shelf for me please. I recently turned 50 and my 32 year relationship ended in January this year.

I think, I'm finally coping really well, but to be honest, I'm not actively looking for a relationship, as I feel I have so much to do for myself at the moment. I've joined the gym, book club - yet to begin, go walking, seeing a counsellor, seeing more of family than I have in many years, but am seriously lacking friends. Truth be told, I'm a bit of a loner, and I think this is helping me not to struggle with being alone. I don't have DC. I hope my future includes a DP, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'll have half a clue how to have a new man in my life? I do have 3 cats(!), I love animals, however, in my defence, I've had cats my whole adult life, so not feeling too tragic about this. I'm not interested in OLD, so don't know where I could eventually meet someone, but hopefully, there'll still be some old fashioned ways of doing this.

Good luck to you LittleTripToHeaven, don't stay on this dusty shelf too long.

Sorry pinkmusicstand, I mean good luck to you. Got a bit confused, there.