Feeling a little bit down in the dumps about my lack of a love life...

[pinkmusicstand]

I'm a 35 year old single mum to a five year old DD. Split up with her dad when I found out I was pregnant however it was all a bit complicated as we had occasional 'reunions' until she was about a year old and I said enough and finally cut it all off.

Ex is now happily coupled up with a new girlfriend, which I'm totally OK about. No feelings between us anymore, so not at all complicated.

I've had a couple of short term relationships since then, lasting no more than 6 months.

I find it difficult to meet new men. I've tried OLD but haven't got anywhere with it. Most of the men I meet in RL are married/coupled up. I have had lots of crushes on men, even if they are single I don't think they even know I exist. I am unbelievably horny all of the time.

I just don't think it's going to happen for me. I don't think I'll ever meet someone nice. The type of guys who do express interest are usually weirdos/creeps/in relationships. Am dismayed why I attract these types and not a normal, nice single guy.

I never get asked out. I think I'm OK looking, am reasonably intellegent (have a degree and currently doing an MA), kind, caring etc. I think I'm a nice person. I just don't seem to be able to meet someone who thinks the same.

Don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to get it off my chest. Feeling a bit down about it all at the moment. This idea that I will be left on the shelf for ever.

One minute you're up, the next minute you're right back down again...

What about those of us who don't want to do OLD? I cannot face the the thought of it, any good suggestions for other ways of meeting someone if it is not possible to meet through work?
I think I have to accept that I cannot sustain a relationship until kids are much older, but looking ahead can't even see how to meet someone then.

myusername I think the reason I've commented on your comments is because I've already done at least 4 years of "hey, it might happen!". Ive done OLD, I've gotten people to review my profile, I've messaged people, I've put myself out there so much that I had some weeks where I was thankful of a day I could stay at home! I kept a positive attitude, and then woke up one day and thought "OK, STILL no interest? Really?"

There comes a point where "a positive attitude" starts to feel like "you're kidding yourself, love". And its a little hard to have someone bounce in and say what feels like "hey, youre just not trying hard enough!" or "youre wrong for wanting this, you shouldnt need a man to be happy!"

Its a little close to "if you want to lose weight, just do it! I did, it was easy for me!"

Again, Stormtreader, that's my position exactly.

I agree, saying 'you shouldn't need a man to be happy' is not helpful. I am mostly content with my life, but would just like an occasional hug and intimacy. This is not possible to achieve without a man.

I think and from this board and experience there is a very tiny chance women seem to meet men in real life without online dating unless you are able to go out a lot to the types of places men would be, so in areas where they might go for drinks after work for instance

Then in this digital age it is quite likely those men are online dating and people have entirely forgotten how to make eye contact and flirt in person off the bat. The last time I met someone in a public place randomly was in a bar on my birthday about 6 years ago.
Men don't approach me on public transport, at petrol stations, in shops, in pubs, in a park or any of the places I might go in a week because it isn't not the way people socially connect anymore. At these places I am also one of many other number of women and I probably don't stand out in a crowd enough to be noticed.

It is dying socially and it's about OLD from the safety of your own home. Also there is now a culture (from my male friends perspective) that is growing increasingly socially unacceptable to approach a woman in public in case you look like a weird creep.

I don't know what I can say anymore and it's clear my input has been unhelpful so I apologise. I just believe in where positivity can lead you in life and trying to make some suggestions. Maybe someone else will have more of a magical response than me

Username, I think your input has been helpful - certainly to me anyway.
This thread has made me think seriously about my views on OLD, so thanks everyone. I have just always felt that if I did meet someone online, I would always feel as though it was a bit 'false' almost like buying a partner. But I do feel this us an issue I need to get over. I know I am far too 'romantic' at heart, and maybe at 40' something, need to grow up!

I've tried OLD on several occasions spanning several years. I find it a massive faff. Sometimes you 'meet' someone online, get to know them a bit through text/email and think they are nice enough to meet up with for a coffee and face-to-face chat only for there to be zero connection/chemistry or they are complete weirdos in the flesh. I've also dealt with inappropriate sexual comments and dick pics. I just don't think I have the time/energy to deal with all that shit.

For me what I crave is that time in relationship where you have got to know each other, committed to each other etc and are comfortable in each other's company. I don't really enjoy the 'thrill of the chase' or the early stages, I find it stressful. All my insecurities come to the fore. I would love to just be magically transposed into a loving, long term relationship without having to go through all the shitty first bits of dating etc.

I am confused by the concept that you seem (Storm) angry about that you would rather accept there is something wrong with you which is why it's not happening for you than it is to accept there might be something that can be changed about your tactics . This makes no sense to me at least

Pink, i totally know where you're coming from. I often think I would like to skip straight to the 'pipe and slippers' stage. I really don't want to do the whole dating bit, but I think we have to accept thatbit is necessary if we want to find a partner.
I understand your point username and am currently reassessing my tactics. It's really hard though. Have only been out of a 25 year marriage for just over a year, and am struggling with the loneliness.

Just wanted to say Myuser that I think your advice on this thread and others is always spot on & a lot of those struggling with dating would do well to adopt your positive approach, so please keep fighting the good fight.

It's thankfully been a long time since I was single (I'm not saying this to be smug) but after a lot of moping and self pity in my twenties resulting in a generally negative demeanour, it was only when I decided to look positively at life & embrace being single (rather than being resigned to it) in my thirties that I finally met my wonderful OH. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done if I'd not changed from my negative mindset.

Succulent I started dating 4 years ago and, for most of that time, I would have been saying exactly what Myuser has been saying. I felt optimistic, confident, positive... I was proactive, I flirted, I approached men, I did online dating, I contacted them, I stepped outside of my dating comfort zone, I tried new hobbies, I met new people, I stepped outside of my personal and professional comfort zones too, I took managed/calculated risks, I completely blossomed as a person...

But I didn't have any real positive experiences. I didn't meet anyone who was interested in me in real life. Not one. Well unless you count the married men who came with all their standard married men scripts. And the men who didn't fail at the messaging stage of online dating were sexist, racist, sexually aggressive, uneducated, bigoted. I found two who I thought were ok. The first I dated for about 10 months and it slowly emerged that his ED was caused by excessive porn 'use' and alcoholism. So I ended it. The second (about a year later) was making do with me until he met someone younger. I ended it once I realised that and within 4 weeks he was with someone 12 years younger than me.

And now? Well I reactivated my online dating profile, just to see. You know? So many people on here and other threads are saying it's the way to do it and I agree that it's become the new social standard for meeting people... but no one is interested. I don't think I'm coming up in people's searches now I'm over 40. Men I've emailed haven't responded. Men who've emailed me are clearly sending out "Hi" messages to many, many women. Or they are 15+ years older than me. And they are few and far between.

I don't have a 'negative mindset'. I'm a bit disillusioned with it all at the moment and, I think, with good reason. I don't want to do OD and I think that's a perfectly valid choice to make!

I'm not being overly fussy or deliberately putting barriers up. There are things I would look for in someone, that I wouldn't be prepared to compromise on and I don't see why I should, frankly. I'd rather be single than 'settle'.

But I agree with Storm, that it is a bit irksome to feel like you're being told that if you were more positive or put yourself out there more and kissed a few frogs, then you will meet someone. Because I have done that and whilst I privately say these things on here, publicly, I'm still 'positive', because you never know who is going to be sitting next to you in the coffee shop tomorrow morning...

But I can't kiss the frogs if they ain't comin' to be kissed.

Yes littletrip, exactly.

Littletrip with the nicest will in the world your post alone is contradictory.

You did not meet anyone, not one single person at all apart from the 2 men you dated for some months - I'm sorry you had bad experiences with them, it doesn't sound nice. But that isn't no one at all.

And I don't know how long you reactivated your profile for or how many dating sites you have tried but I think your previous bad experiences are what you are finding hard, and not the fact you are over 40. Which isn't old whatsoever.

You went in and got burnt. So now it's easier to coast along making sure you don't allow yourself to get hurt again, but also restricting yourself from maybe meeting someone again, because you are worried about what happened before

I said I didn't meet anyone in real life, you know through hobbies/work/friends/at parties, the sort of times when, if you were going to meet someone, you would. And it wasn't because I didn't meet single men at all during those times, I did. But they weren't interested in me romantically because they were working out how to get to know the pretty, young thing on the other side of the room and I can't really blame them for that!

The only men, in real life, who were interested were married.

The men I dated were men I met through online dating.

I agree with you that my personal experience might cloud the optimism I once felt that I would meet a kind and decent man, and I can see how it might mean that I wouldn't give someone a fair chance or that my walls would be so high that they couldn't get over them...

I do get that.

But my point is that there aren't any men interested in the first place for me to reject.

I didn't suggest doing all those RL things to meet a man I suggested them to be having fun. I've never met anyone that way myself either. Apart from sleazes. A very handsome man once stopped me to help with my car and was very flirty. Exchanged numbers. Married. . A guy at my kids activity who sent me sleazy messages. Married . A dad from the school who approached me on a night out. Married . An old friend who I thought we were just friends. Married. A local estate agent who flirted with me. Married. It isn't just you. I assure you.

You did meet people via online dating before but you were hurt and it's certainly got a barrier up there. And a fear. And some negativity which I have sensed. They call it fishing for a reason - sometimes you do have to sit there for a long time and swipe and click and be bored and fed up with the 50+ crew (had them too) but that's what it can take and no one knows how long, although it's demoralising in the mean time. I've been single 7 years. It's ok if you don't want to do OLD I totally agree it's fine. I just don't think feeling negative about it is a good mindset for you overall, and you can change that

I wasn't doing those things to meet a man, I was doing them to have fun.

I'm not negative.

I'm frustrated that 40 year old men are only interested in women under 30.

Or are hitting on other women when married.

I'm frustrated that that is what our society has bred.

I'm single (3 years) and in my 40s and find that any men I like the look of and approach assume that I'll be in a relationship or 'already have a man' apparently because 'women who look like me always do.' So I'm told, so they don't approach. I'm no model (5'6" & 10 stone) but like to think I make the most of what I've got so look decent but in no way do I look the trophy type so I don't understand it. Surely gorgeous looking women get asked out all the time.

I haven't tried online dating so meeting suitable men is difficult. I'd just like someone to do things with once a week maybe. I'd never want to live with someone again (like my own space too much!) I don't have children so I'm free to travel and have the means to do so but I find that puts them off to as they wonder why I don't have children and assume that I must be cruel and heartless and 'not a real woman.'

It seems we can't win.

This year alone I've been contacted by three men via Facebook/Whatsapp/LinkedIn and asked if I fancy getting together which would be great but I've found out that they're all in long term relationships. One even sent me a WhatsApp gif of him and his girlfriend shagging as he thought it would turn me on. I've never met this man. I only know him through work when he was one of our suppliers.

That's a massive overstatement about men. It is negative. And only based on you trying OLD briefly since you turned 30 despite other people telling you otherwise on mumsnet

*turned 40

As far as I can see, myusername, you don't say how old you are. It makes a huge difference whether you are under or over 40. I've just turned 50. I am wrinkly. I am no longer fertile. All the men doing OLD want someone at least 10 if not 20 years younger. (One of the Guardian's blind date columns recently paired up a woman in her 50s with a man in his 70s. Why did they think this would work?) Most seem to take the "kids in a sweet shop" approach. These are facts about the situation which I cannot change. So, yup, I'm up there making the most of my shelf, doing exciting things with friends, bringing up my DC, etc.

Thing is I'm allowed to feel sad at the lack of intimacy in my life while at the same time recognising that the search for it would be like the search for hen's teeth - it would require such a disproportionate use of my time that the rest of my life would suffer as I pursued what was, for all practical purposes, an unattainable goal. There's lots of things about the ageing process that suck - for instance, to pick one at random, knowing that if I get a sports injury it now takes sodding weeks if not months to clear up. Sadly, knowing that I'm undateable is just another of those things.

I am late 30's.

I just don't think it is conducive to finding a relationship to have negative views about men and generalise them all into one little huddle of cheaters and that they all want women young enough to begin 2nd families. Many many many do not. It could be said that there is now a new socially acceptable norm and that is younger man/older woman. And not all young men are players who want a fling either.

True the dating pool decreases with age and true there are plenty of idiots, creeps and sleazes out there.

I just won't participate in the man hating, that women are just dusty old figurines on a shelf waiting to be chosen by a bloke if they are lucky, young and nubile enough

It's not man hating, it's statistics and demographics!

I know lots of absolutely lovely men - they're all taken. Or quite happy in their bachelordom. Again, statistics and demographics.

And I am wrinkly - it comes with age. I could pull very, very easily in my thirties. Now I wear the famous "menopausal cloak of invisibility."

There's a very good TED talk on "gaming online dating" - put together by a woman who wanted to find a husband and start a family. She did some serious number crunching and data analytics and tailored her profile to attract exactly the sort of man she thought she'd be compatible with, and succeeded wonderfully well, and I salute her. But, with a DC who needs my attention, a demanding job, and interests which I know I get an emotional pay-back from (not random dates which I might, but more probably will not get the emotional pay back from), for me it becomes a cost-benefit analysis. I would have to put a hugely disproportionate amount of time and energy into finding a man, time and energy which would be taken away from my DC. So I choose not to. But that doesn't mean I can't feel sad about the lack of intimacy in my life. Not much of the time - I'm too busy and generally quite content with how things are, but occasionally I feel twinges of "I used to have that, and it was nice."

I don't know why you're so fixated on seeing "realistic about one's chances" as "man-hating".

There is a whole thread on this page currently of women of all ages dating men of all different ages. It's been running for 109 threads.

I'm not fixated, the initial thread began in a gloomy tone of 'why does no one want me and I a man lonely' and all kinds of negative responses about how people want a deep meaningful loving relationship but don't want to OLD or have all the complications at the beginning such as dating, and this has progressed to now seeming generally the fault of men for being interested in younger women.

On the first page I made it clear that I agree with you that your fulfilment (or lack of) doesn't come from romantic relationships and it's natural and human to miss the intimacy. But if you want it, you have to go find it it probably won't come and find you.

It's really good that you and I have had many years of amazing experiences and child rearing to fill that gap. I might never marry, I might never have sex and I might never have love again but I am not going to blame men and 'statistics' for any of that, especially if I haven't really put the effort in (as you describe, it's effort).