Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

First he said he was asleep when he groped her, then he admitted that he wasn't asleep at all.

My mistake. I though he still said he was at least partly asleep but not fully in control which fits with sleep disturbances. Sorry, I've read a lot on sleep paralysis, sleep walking and other sleep related disorders (including sleep sex) and it can be a serious problem for all involved.
Must have misread op's posts. Sorry.
As I said though, the first priority is for op to make sure she is safe and comfortable.

I was away for a few days and didn't have a good internet connection. There have been some useful points made here so thanks to everyone who has posted.

This is a complicated situation though. People have suggested various times that I'm using my husband, this seems really a strange way of looking at things to me. Does everyone get married and stay married just out of romantic love? I initially left him when I felt that love had fizzled out. Over time I realised that in times of crises we still need each other, we're still a family. I started to look at it diferently, less about having a madly passionate lustful relationship and more about providing a stable and strong family unit for our dds and not leaving me in a situation where I might have to take them far away from their df in order to provide for them better. And fulfilling the commitment I made by marrying him. Marriage should surely be mutually beneficial, or why would anyone do it? I certainly don't gain more than he does from being married to him. if anything it's the other way round.

Yes it's important to have a nice sex life but it isn't the most important thing in the world. And I haven't given up on it happening with him but I'm not forcing myself into something just because he wants it. And I've not said anything different to him, I've been completely, brutally honest.

He doesn't want separate beds as he thinks that was what led us to split before as I was sleeping with the baby and him in the other room. He's agreed to back off and if he cuddles up to me before sleeping I don't mind but if when I've clearly said no and when I fall asleep I think he's either deliberately touching me in my sleep or is completely unaware with some kind of sleep disturbance then I'm worried about that!

I also think that you should be in separate beds, there is a reason that men and women in relationships share beds. Imagine how it must feel lying next to someone who you apparently really love and fancy who has no interest in you sexually, or perhaps doesn't even love you. Imagine if the situation was reversed - perhaps imagine how you would feel in his shoes ?

Well yes but as I've said I've suggested separate beds and he doesn't want to do that. Not everyone's the same and for him it'd feel a lot worse sleeping separately.

If I was in his shoes I'd probably just leave but he's made it clear he won't willingly go anywhere ever.

I honestly don't see how you can remain married to someone who you have 0 sexual attraction to and whom you are not sure you love, you can't IMO magic these feelings out of nowhere (supposing they were ever there) and if they are lost then maybe they can come back, i would defer to other posters about that.

I think your comment that if in his shoes you would leave is very telling, how can you respect him ? Sorry, but I really think you should call it a day.

I didn't just lose my attraction to him over night, it was over a period of time during which I was vulnerable and dependent on him for emotional support and he profoundly let me down and even scared me. There is some serious healing needed before I can be properly attracted to him.

If it's possible.

Imagine how it must feel lying next to someone who you apparently really love and fancy who has no interest in you sexually, or perhaps doesn't even love you. Imagine if the situation was reversed - perhaps imagine how you would feel in his shoes ?

Growapear, maybe you could imagine how it feels to share a bed with someone who has repeatedly ignored you telling him you aren't ready to be intimate, gropes you during the day, then at night when you have been absolutely clear you do not want sex waits until you are asleep to try again. You know, when you're asleep and can't do much about it. It is seriously fucked up to think that is loving.

Yes there are other relationship issues but to be honest these circumstances alone are problematic.

OP I get that it is complicated. I understand from your posts you want to keep trying. I hope you can figure things out. But I think it's important that you say "I'm not forcing myself into something just because he wants it."

Yes growapear you might be right. I don't want to mess around with everyone else's feelings around me, I have lost respect for him. I don't want to feel this way.

By all means keep trying to sort out your relationship.

But at this stage you aren't ready to share a bed yet. He wants this, but you don't. Yes there is usually some sort of minor compromise in relationships, but not a massive one like sharing a bed. If you don't want sexual activity you need to make it clear and sleep separately. If you want to work on your relationship and he isn't abusive you can seek out couple counselling.

At some point you may be happy to have an intimate relationship with him again. But right not you aren't.

I would say from what you have said it isn't just about intimacy. There are other factors that have led to you trying again that have very little to do with attraction and everything to do with trying to do what is best for the dc in the culture you are now living in. This is going to be a massive problem long term because from the sounds of it you have fallen out of love with him and basically I don't think it's likely you'll fall back in love with him. It's not great because this is a dysfunctional relationship and on some level it will affect the dc. They'll think it is 'normal' for parents to live together but not love each other.

Toptoe I think you're right. I think I'm trying to convince myself that I can fall back in love as it feels too messy and difficult to get out of it now. I'm worried about his reaction if I say we should sleep separately and I have an underlying anxious feeling. I'm afraid he's quite manipulative and that he's not so much changed as got cleverer about how he plays me. I feel terrible for thinking that but if he loves and respects me like he claims to I don't think he'd constantly roller over my wishes in the way he does.

Sorry if you already answered this - but does he know you are not in anyway sexually attracted to him ? I imagine if I told my wife that I just couldn't bring myself to even imagine having sex with her, she would be heartbroken and I expect it would be the end of the relationship. As it would be if she told me the same. I respect that, I don't think I would respect it if she kept trying it on despite me saying I had no interest in her.

I guess I have always been a believer that relationships are primarily about sexual attraction and respect/admiration/liking, perhaps the first can wane for valid reasons such as illness, old age etc, but when both are missing I can't see how it can be repaired.

sorry that comes across as utter p*sh but hopefully it makes some sense.

So here's the thing I can't understand about people who continue in relationships where one partner has basically told them they don't fancy them anymore and don't want to have sex. This is usually understood to be an incredibly hard thing to tell someone, and that it signals the end of the relationship. People very often will not say this (IME) even when it is true, so they come out with the old "its not you its me" type of stuff. Anyway - my point is that that this is done to protect the others feelings from the harsh truth that you don't find them attractive. So it's strange to me that some people basically hear this and expect they can "work it out", but I wont pretend I have much experience so perhaps other posters have worked these things through, I'm only giving my opinion of course.

Growapear, personally I could try to work on many things - in hindsight things that I couldn't fix - but no, the sex and attraction did not come back.

However, I do think if you ask the right question here you will find examples of loss of attraction being linked to other problems. Work on other issues and it comes back. I gave friends who managed this.

I personally find the ignoring of OPs wishes the bigger block to getting back on track but I know others don't see that. As much as you find rejection difficult to overcome, I find that difficult to overcome.

All leads to a similar place though...

OP, I got to the point where I realised I didn't want ways to fix it. I didn't want to rekindle anything. I couldn't really work out the ins and outs, in fact trying to made me feel worse, I just KNEW, for lots of good reasons, my heart was not in to fixing it.

If you are there and I think maybe you are, difficult and scary as it is, it can be a relief to acknowledge that. And then start from there. Apologies if I've got that wrong.

I agree with the Op that her husband is very manipulative and that he's getting cleverer. The whole " gee I can't help myself I'm groping you in my sleep "quickly followed by " oh gosh now I remember actually I was awake " is just classic.

I bet he's very passive aggressive as well .

And as for the opinion that you are " using him " - I think this comes from people who have the view that marriage is a deal where the man proves money and " respectability " and the woman provides domestic labour and sex on demand .

So they think that you are not fulfilling your part of the deal. Some women get angry when they feel that you are " getting away with " not providing sex because they are doing it reluctantly .

It's not a view of marriage or life that I share, but I can see that it's very common.

Yes growapear I have told him I have no attraction and am not in love with him. I was trying to look at it like he was so determined to work on the marriage and loved me so much that he was willing to carry on trying in spite of his pride and ego. But the more cynical side of me thinks he's just not going to let go of the financial comfort he has being with me, a much better quality of life than he'd otherwise have.

Fuckingitup I think I might be getting to that point. The idea of a life without him in it on a daily basis would feel like a relief and my home being my own safe haven appeals to me.

Kr1stina yes he is very passive aggressive.

Now I wish I'd seen the divorce through to the end as then I'd maybe have seen his true intentions more clearly.

I think if I back out now my family and his will feel like I've just messed him around and been really unfair to him and my dcs.

You are allowed to change your mind. You decided to try again for the sake of the children, which You felt was the right decision. But it hasn't worked .

Woudl they prefer that you hadn't even tried ?

Are they very invested in you staying married to him ?

Well it makes their life easier. They made it clear how stressful it was for them having me being alone in a different country with dcs to look after.

Also I think in the culture I live in it's pretty much the norm for marriages to only be on a certain level. My h probably feels that this is as good as it gets but for me it feels very lacking.

They sound a bit self centred , you said you found it fine on your own with the kids . Is it always all about them ?