Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

If you feel trapped and cornered in the marriage and you're only staying for your children and husband and have put your own wants and needs to the side, you're not going to feel like sex with him are you?

I don't expect him to go without sex.forever, I just thought that over time maybe the attraction would come back, I thought we could give it a year or so and try to reconnect, we do talk about it, he knows how I feel.

If you really want to try, then sex therapy may be the only way you can address this.

I don't think it sounds like you're using him to stay in the country. It just sounds like an added complexity. I feel for you op, something has made you get back with him. You sound racked with guilt and you're not thinking straight. I would suggest in the short term you see a counsellor if that's possible so you can explore what you're worried about. I am still not clear as to why you resumed the relationship when you were on the precipice of divorce. I also get the impression that you're not happy living in the country you're in. Do you want to leave?

... but yes, I agree with ageingrunner. If you know, deep down that you no longer want to be married to him, then you naturally have a psychological barrier.

The reason I decided to try and repair the marriage is that I had some bad experiences that left me feeling very vulnerable here as a single mother and I thought the best thing for us all would be to be together as a family.

I am guessing that where you are is a paternalistic society and that women are not treated as equals?

I have arranged to resume counselling as I've been feeling worried about everything lately.

op, I'm sorry this has happened.

It's horrible that he is touching you when you're asleep, that's assault. The relationship is dead, I would have a talk and get things sorted as best as possible but accept that it's over. Don't share a bed with him again, his behaviour was unacceptable.

I am also wondering whether whatever happened to you affected your trust in men in general and this is something you need to process

Yes it is a patriarchal society. For a while I was very set on leaving but now I feel like I can live here happily enough but I've also kind of lost any hopes and dreams for the future along with my acceptance of being here.

I hope the counseling helps. I've got to leave this thread at the moment. Will look again later. Hope everything gets better op. You do deserve to be happy.

IMO once the desire is gone - it's gone...you can't force it back.

You may sometimes feel like having sex with him but it seems like it will never feel the same sex you had with your flings(?)
This is not fair on him or you and although you love him (probably as a brother) you know you're on borrowing time and really want to be out of this marriage .

But as a lot of us know, this is easier said than done, specially if you live in another country without your family around.
I wish you all the luck working this out before you both waste your lives...

Bloody hell it all sounds very complex. I don't know if sexual attraction can return - I don't think it can, personally, I think once it's faded that's it and it probably won't come back. I'm sorry, because I know that's the opposite of what you were hoping to hear. But I also think if it can come back, it certainly won't while he's pestering you for sexual contact. I have got it in my head from a tv programme or something like that, that in sex therapy they tell you to abstain from sex to help build up a bit of attraction and excitement. Can you get hold of a book on the subject to work through together, and see if that helps? I feel for you OP because it sounds like a really awkward situation. I hope you find your happiness.

I think you are still emotionally not in the right place with your husband to make this work.

You also seem generally to be mixed up and not to have a real perspective on relationships. To think your husband would make sexual advances on your young children because he has a normal sex drive which he is having to suppress, is absurd.

It's clearly a difficult situation, not least because you are in a different country and that will impose restrictions on you which maybe more psychological than physical.

My eyes are filling up reading all these replies. Thank you for all the input. It's a complicated situation and I'm really trying to do the best by my family and not hurt anyone.

You really do not sound like you are happy.
Separate rooms and plan a new future.
Good luck

And yes I told him and keep telling him that he should stop the sexual advances altogether to try and allow me to feel like instigating something but he can't seem to last even a few hours without grabbing me or making suggestive comments.

If she truly believed that why let him do school runs? Why allow him back at all?

I think she just slandered the man to get sympathy.

I think the idea about a book or sex therapy could be worth exploring.

I didn't slander him, the kids often end up in our bed and I was genuinely concerned that he could inadvertently reach out in his sleep as he did it to me. I am reassured now that he did at least to some extent know it was me/ was semi awake.

It does sort of sound like you're using him a bit - you wanted to split up and only got back together because you felt like you needed his support. Did you/do you really want him or do you just not want to face life alone?

If you don't want to have sex with him, at minimum, I think you need separate rooms - sharing a bed and saying that you're trying to find the attraction again means that, inevitably, he's going to continue trying to rekindle your sex life.

Honestly Queen, You are clearly misguided about pedophilia, and quite frankly to even have the mindset to think that a horny husband equates to this depravity, suggests that your opinion of him is twisted to say the least. You need to end it. He needs to move out. You clearly think nothing of him. And you need some kind of sex therapy, because your attitude towards it unbelievable for a grown woman with children.

OP - your situation does sound very complex, but your perspective is totally skewed if you can equate your husband's actions to possible paedophilia. Why would you make that link? Sorry, but it's a terrible thing to say.
You told him to stop and he went into the other room. It doesn't sound like he tried to force anything.
My DH's hands often wander in the night. I either slap them off or not. This is normal stuff, but I can totally appreciate how you may feel under pressure if you're not attracted to him at all.
Be fair to him and to yourself. If you think this is worth pursuing, maybe try separate rooms and see if that distance helps your desire to come back. But give him a break - he can't help his feelings towards you any more than you can towards him.