Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

*NotYoda

Instead of reading the thread, perhaps you should try learning some manners instead.

I think reading the thread is good manners.

Sorry if I was a bit terse

Sorry I was a bit terse. (I was)

I would give it time OP. The desire can come back but he needs to back off completely and let you initiate when you are totally ready and up for it.
The sleep excuse was lame, but my guess is he won't do it again now that he has been caught out.

Dadaist if I am not mistaken OP is resisting things returning like beforehand because it was not happy beforehand and he was angry all the time. This sounds legitimate.

so Dadaist do you think that op should allow herself to be assaulted to make her h feel better? As for blaming op for his anger, that's just horrible. Women are nor responsible for men's anger.

Why are people incapable of understanding that if someone touches you when they're asleep, chances are they could do that to anyone they share a bed with? It's nothing to do with paedophilia FGS! My ex had this and touched up many of his male mates - it became a running joke.

I DO believe sex therapy can help, because attraction does come and go - and stress has a huge impact, as do hormones. If your libido is lower for any reason it can feel like it's about attraction when actually it's just libido. This has happened to me very recently. Do people really just chuck in their marriage just because they no longer feel the need to rip each other's clothes off? Surely part of a marriage is about working through it, understanding that the other parts which actually grow over time, the bond etc, is more than sex. It sounds like you're committed to going the distance OP.

Do people really just chuck in their marriage just because they no longer feel the need to rip each other's clothes off?

No. I don't think people do. I think there's always a lot more to it. I doubt there are many threads on here from women taking the decision to end a marriage lightly.

It sounds like you're committed to going the distance OP.

Maybe and maybe going the distance will get to a happy place. Or maybe OP is perhaps feeling trapped. And needs to work out what would make her happy, not just everyone else. And perhaps could learn to be less scared of her choices.

I think most women are prepared to go the distance. Far too many willing to sacrifice happiness for vows. Many women struggle to give themselves permission to leave.

Gymnopedies - ah, I had understood it that the problems that led to counselling included a lack of intimacy, if there were anger issues before the split then things may well run deeper?

LumpySpacedPrincess - I'm hardly holding OP 'responsible' for DHs anger or angry outbursts. That would be ridiculous. But I am suggesting that there is in every relationship a dynamic in which behaviour on one side causes feelings in another. If you love your partner because they are wonderful - then their behaviour causes you to feel love for them. It doesn't mean they are 'responsible' for the love you feel. And similarly, if your partner rejects you, hurts you or disrespects you, it can cause feelings of low self esteem, anger or depression. It doesn't mean they are responsible for how those feelings manifest themselves, but it is part of the relationship dynamic? Is that fair?

Also - as for 'assault' - we don't know exactly what went on in the bed - but most posters are not interpreting it as that, but rather that he initiated sexual contact - 'he tried it on' in other words - and got short shrift, apolologised and removed himself. If they were strangers it would certainly be assault, but in a (albeit failing) relationship I'm not sure we are in the realms of a criminal offence. But what does OP think?

op said that she had said no to sex, then later in the night he started to grope her, that's assault. Touching someone sexually when they are unconscious, assault. Touching someone sexually when they have said no, that's assault. I am not surprised that most people don't see it that way, most people blame females for male behaviour.

most people blame females for male behaviour.

Except on MN when males are always either evil sexual predators of an evil sexual predator in waiting.

Not at all, I've never seen that. I do think groping someone who has said no is assault.

Yes the anger was a problem before, now it's not, he is calm and we can discuss things in a normal way so that's a kind of progress.

He was touching me after I very clearly said no. I feel like that violates my trust as being asleep and not feeling 100% sure that I won't be groped when I have clearly communicated that I am not at this point comfortable with a sexual relationship, is stamping all over my boundaries. He has agreed to no sex, but he's still trying to push me.

I think if he takes the pressure off and lets me get to know and like him again maybe I'll get the attraction back. It's all happened very fast and while some aspects of our relationship have really improved from before, it's only been a couple of months that we're trying to repair the marriage and I think I need more time.

Stick to separate beds and give yourself time to think about what you want, put your needs first for once. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I guess that's the thing, I don't feel now like I want to grow old with him. I feel like us raising the children together is the best thing to do for us all and over the course of time I'm just hoping that some love and passion will come back and that eventually I will want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If I am not with him, there's such a massive divide for the dc between him, his culture, his country, his family and me and mine, whereas if we're together we can kind of mesh the 2 together more iyswim.

And the atmosphere at home is honestly good, we laugh and joke and there's a lot of genuine warmth there so I don't think the dc are suffering from the lack of intimacy between us as someone implied earlier.

OK LumpySpacedPrincess - if he was wanting a cheap thrill and had no interest in reciprocation then I would entirely agree - assault. What I think most posters interpret is that he was vainly hoping to kindle her interest (stupid, clumsy, repulsive or wrong as it was). So I think perceptions that men are interested only in 'having their needs satisfied' is equally mistaken, as is the view that women can just 'give in for a quiet life' - yuck! Mostly men, like women, want to be wanted - not have a partner 'allow themselves to be assaulted' by them. Sexually touching your partner in the hope of initiating a reciprocal sexual response from them is a very contextual area. I think the context you give it is quite blunt that's all. But I'm not defending him anyway, and it's more than likely going to have completely the reverse effect - as OPs post demonstrates.

I don't think most posters here are 'blaming women for men's behaviour' - (although I suspect you think I am) - and I'm just agreeing with the majority of posters on this thread. That general topic, and rape culture and victim blaming are definitely real issues, but that might hijack this thread.

I don't think it is sexual assault in this instance but more a clumsy attempt to rekindle something that used to be there. He does need to respect my wishes though as obviously sex has to be a 2 way street.

He is completely in agreement that what he did was out of order. He says if I want we will sleep in separate beds. He still maintains he was not doing it deliberately but was in a sleep induced fantasy.

Sorry OP - I've now hijacked this thread in a side discussion with LumpySpacedPrincess, who I think offers you good advice in seeking to sleep in separate beds and think about what you really want.
But if the atmosphere at home is good, and if there is some prospect of a happy healthy reciprocal relationship then perhaps you should explore it. What your DH did was wrong. But I think you need to address the lack of intimacy to make your marriage really work, rather than be a convenient living arrangement that hides resentment and longing for something better on both sides. Good luck!

OP does he knows about the flings you had while separated ?
I'm guessing that if he does , he's probably feeling massively insecure about your sex life, and will continue to suffocate (and groping) you until he feels reassured.

This is tough because it seems that even though you love him and think he's a good man, you realise that you're both different and you will often be temped by the different life you could have single , although I think that a lot of married women feel like that at some point

I'm not sure I have much hope for your strategy of sticking it out and hoping the attraction will return. However, if that's what you want to do why don't you insist on separate beds until the time comes (if it ever does) that you're ready to move your relationship forward physically? Sharing a bed with a partner when intimate contact makes your skin crawl makes no sense and, I suspect, will make it less likely that you ever return to having physical feelings for him.

Yes he knows about the flings and I'm sure he does feel insecure. I think I need to find ways to reassure him without using sex so that he doesn't feel like sex is the only way to feel better about our relationship. I used to have quite a high sex drive but nowadays I don't even masturbate so maybe it's not about him as such but just my own libido.

You're concerned about "lack of self control". I think that's a bit rich considering you're the one who had two affairs!

OP and her H were separated. Calling them affairs is simplistic. And they don't give her H the right to forego control and grope her when she clearly said no.

I've only really skimmed the tread so I'm sorry if this has already been covered but is your DH on any medication or NRT patches as these can cause sleep distances and the sort of thing you describe.