Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

I think it's very unkind and disrespectful for you to sleep in a bed with him with no sexual contact. You are basically using him. Poor guy must be humiliated.

I think it's very unkind and disrespectful for you to sleep in a bed with him with no sexual contact.

Not sure if thats a joke?

fuckingitup
I'm really hoping it is.

Women are not obliged to have sex with their partners coughing, not for decades or are you posting from the fifties?

Whilst we aren't in the 50s and I entirely disagree with Coughing's comments, I do think its very awkward to share a bed if you don't want any sexual contact. its probably better for both of you that you don't.

I'd suggest that you both go to couples sex therapy as a matter of urgency.

First off, a baseless assumption that a horny man who might've grabbed his wife's bum in the night would touch his own kids is fucking disgusting.

Secondly, whichever pp accused him of assault is off their head as well. He touched his wife tenderly, she reacted angrily, he apologised and left the room to give her space. Which part of that is assault? My DP will grind against me in the night (or vice versa!) and depending on how sleepy I am, my reaction will either be to grumble about having to get up early or to enthusiastically mount him although he might've already fallen asleep by that point. Is that sexual assault?

I feel for the man, I really do.

First off, a baseless assumption that a horny man who might've grabbed his wife's bum in the night would touch his own kids is fucking disgusting.

It's only disgusting that you want to put that interpretation on it. This point has been explained several times.

What you are happy with in the middle of the night is up to you. Your circumstances are different to OP, who has explained very well in one of her posts how she feels.

It has nothing to do with the 50s but is about mutual respect, something often missing from the mass hysteria on these threads. If she doesn't want any sexual contact she should sleep elsewhere or ask him to sleep elsewhere in stead of humiliating the man.

Just looked back at the op comments in case I missed something but it is clear this isn't a short term thing or that she expects to change her feelings toward him.

God there's a lot of stupid doing the rounds in MN.

Indeed Fuckingitup

These terrible women who humiliate men by turning down their advances ! You'd think they actually had autonomy over the own bodies! It's all just Mass Hysteria . It was much better in the olden days when a man could just rape his wife with impunity.

Hysteria - bingo!

How are things queen?

Kr1stina is this a general point about consent or are you comments about the actions that played out in this case.

In this situation we see a man who I guess is still very much into the OP. He is being given sign and signals that his relationship is getting very much back on track. He has tried it on been rejected and acted respectfully when rejected (stop and moved to give OP space). I do think it is unreasonable to feel sorry for the man feeling awful about getting mixed messages confused. Especially if he is still in love. I don't think anyone said it was OK in respect to the OP intentions.

I have often come onto a partner in bed and like wise been come on to by my ex. Are both me and my ex wife rapists? Have we got to the stage where my ex wife would have had to wake me up and say I am going to start touching you up to initiate sex? And if I say OK, oh can you just sign here and here so we have a record of consent on this paperwork. Not sure about everyone else but that would be a passion killer for me.

He miss read signals and stopped as soon as told not OK. Obviously you would not have him back in your bed. You can see why some would suggest your using him and stringing him alone for your own gain and what you need of him. If that is the case you are very crule.

Re-read the OP and then see what complete and utter shite your post is Dad. There was no miss reading of signals. What you and your wife do is irrelevant.

Well if you could be bothered to read further you'd see your last point addressed.

Well done for such a thoughtful intelligent understanding of the thread.

1dad2kids she turned his advances down before falling asleep. He waited for her to fall asleep and started again. There is no misreading of signals here!
Rudymentary he lied and said he was asleep and not conscious of what he was doing, hence the concern about bedsharing.
RTFT really

Pointing out bullshit and incredibly poor damaging analyses on a thread that deals with consent issues is not bullying.

Of course sleeping in the same bed and being married doesn't mean that you have to consent to sex at all times. But I also think it is unkind and sends mixed messages to share a bed with your husband when you have absolutely no intention of having sex with him for the forseeable future - separate beds would be a much better idea.

I don't really get why this is considered some kind of outdated 1950s point of view.

Poor sod

Gymnopedies
Does the husband in this situation not maintain that he was asleep?
This sort of nocturnal activity is more common than sleep walking from what I recall reading. There's many different reasons for it, including sharing a bed after a long time apart.
That's not to say op isn't justified in her annoyance. Regardless of whether he did this deliberately or not she still felt violated and there's no easy was back from that.
Separate beds may be the only way to guarantee it doesn't happen again. Perhaps agree a time to share to hold each other or share some other none sexual intimacy but then sleep separately.