Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

The bottom line is do you love him? Do you think you could ever love him like you did when you married? If the answer is no, end the marriage.

If you don't love him staying together is painful for you and cruel on him. He's doing the best he can and still loves you but it's not enough if you don't feel the same.

Yes it was an awful thing to say and it seems,my perspective is skewed.

She didn't slander him. She has explained. Nor has she suggested he is a paedophile. She is just thinking if he genuinely doesn't know what he's doing that's a possible outcome. And she has anyway concluded he was conscious now.

My stbxh behaved with what I guess was sexsomnia. Who knows. I would decline advances and then be woken up at night by him trying to have sex. It started small but got more persistent. I believed he wasn't fully awake. it was annoying at times but no more. But when it happened when we were trying to rebuild our relationship and things weren't good it felt awful. It could be quite aggressive and angry.

I don't know if you can get back the attraction. If there aren't other things that bother you maybe it will come back. But I would see this as a relationship issue, not sex. I don't know what sex therapy involves but given the wider context wouldn't seem the obvious approach to me. You need time to feel good about things and see if it returns. He probably thinks sex will get you there quicker. Pestering you by grabbing you etc is going to make you less likely to feel turned on.

Is counselling by yourself an option to work out what you want? And he needs to back off with the groping in the meantime.

Diva -her husband is the one who said that he was doing it in his sleep. Therefore her concerns were quite legitimate .

Now the H has backtracked and said that he did in fact know what he was doing , he was lying . He just hadn't thought through the implications of his lies.

I don't see why you are attacking the OP because he lied to her.

You're concerned about "lack of self control". I think that's a bit rich considering you're the one who had two affairs!

You are stressed and unhappy of course your perspective is skewed.

Any chance of getting out of that country and going to stay with your family for a couple of weeks holiday. A safe break from the situation might really help you get your head back on straight.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing. First of all, it is a massive leap to suggest he will abuse his daughters after what he did to you.

Secondly, he wasn't asleep. He was trying it on.

He defended his actions by saying he didn't know what he was doing as he was sleepy, right. I think it is logical that op would not want her kids to share a bed with a man who likes to have a sleepy grope and is unaware of what he is doing.

The truth is that he was completely aware that he was groping an unconscious woman.

She didn't have an affair, they were not together at the time. Op's h has assaulted her, that's not okay under any circumstances.

He said at the time he didn't know what he was doing and that he was asleep. This morning he said he must have been awake as he thinks he had his eyes open to be touching in the way he was. To me it seemed like his was awake and trying it on but him saying he was asleep was what threw me.

I have said to him I think its unfair to him to be in this situation and he could be in a loving relationship where his feelings are reciprocated but he just says he wants nobody but me and will never leave the marriage. I feel more suffocated by this. He is quite a controlling person and though he's a lot better now than before I do feel sometimes doubtful as to how much his feelings for me are pure love and not just wanting to keep a hold on me.

Drip drip drip

When I say he's controlling, he is not telling me what I can or can't do. I am free to live my life, he's just very full on and focused on me. I've said he needs to.find other things to make him happy but he seems to need more from me and if he doesn't feel loved or emotionally connected I can understand that.

I'm not meaning to drip feed, it's a long, complicated situation and I just wanted to focus on the sex thing

Drip drip drip

Maybe OP just needs space to work out her feelings, maybe even with a little understanding and patience.

Just

This isn't AIBU

It's not helpful to say this in the middle of a conversation where the OP is trying to work out her feelings

Thanks fuckingitup you're absolutely right.

LadyPenelope

It's a two page thread. If you can't manage to read it careful, don't contribute

He sounds awful actually. Reading your description of him being 'full on and focused on me' makes me feel like I can't breathe. My ex was like that and it was horrific. He was a grower too

Not a grower, a groper

I think I'm confused because on the surface of it, everything is so good. We have a good life together and he's caring and kind, he works hard, he listens to me. I used to be attracted to him.

I've tried to block out all the negative things and focus on positives, I figured life is short and I should make the most of what I've got. But I seem to be struggling.

Kr1stina

Diva -her husband is the one who said that he was doing it in his sleep. Therefore her concerns were quite legitimate .

Now the H has backtracked and said that he did in fact know what he was doing , he was lying . He just hadn't thought through the implications of his lies.

I don't see why you are attacking the OP because he lied to her.

I'm not attacking her, I'm just simply stating that it's a fucking fair stretch of the imagination to go from a horny husband groping her in bed to fearing that he'd do something sexually inappropriate to their children. By her own admission her own thinking on this is askew. I'm responsible for what I write Kr1stina, not for what you interpret from it.

OP - it sounds like you got back together for the sake of the kids and the "convenience" of being a family. He makes you feel more safe and secure by the fact he's around, but equally now you feel under pressure due to his sexual advances.

If you enjoyed the flings when you were separated, it doesn't sound as though you're off the idea of sex altogether. Could it be that you enjoyed the flings too much and now you're finding it hard to go back to "the norm?"

I don't mean to sound judgemental at all as you're clearly very confused.

Is if possible to enjoy something 'too much'? You only live once, after all

What were his previous anger issues which he needed to work on?

I think you need to end the relationship because you want to, not because of him, he won't accept that.

You do realise OP that a large part of his 'anger' is likely to be repressed feelings of rejection, hurt and feeling unloved by you?
Other than that, what everyone else has said really. You've cast the most appalling fear about his behaviour, you are no longer attracted to him, and you are with him for reasons other than him.
It is possible to rekindle a sex life, rebuild trust and intimacy and affection. Without these things it's no wonder he is 'focussed on you'. It's a major source of misery in his life from what I can gather, and it sounds as though has swallowed his pride in many ways to try and keep you.
It's not clear that you haven't tried to make things work - but you haven't tried very hard. You have as much as you want and that is perhaps why people suggest you are using him. He is certainly being short changed, and I wonder whether the counselling didn't work well because you resisted things returning?
All in all, I think you do need to decide whether you want to be in or out, because the convenient half way house you have isn't quite as happy as you would like to think really - it seems it's just as much as you want to give.
There is a path to rediscovering intimacy and recovering mutual love, affection and respect if it was once there. But it's not one in which you can just look for the minimum - just to keep things going. It's up to you OP.