Husband groping me in bed

[queenofbaddecisions]

Dh and I have been trying to repair our marriage after a year and a half separation. Our marriage was previously not working well, we were arguing a lot, communication was terrible, aspirations different, he was possibly depressed, we never did anything for fun, had no money, had 2 dc immediately in the marriage 2 years apart.
While apart I was mostly happy, life was hard but I was financially better off and had a couple of flings that made me feel great. I filed for divorce and that was nearly completed. However, I got into a bit of a messy situation and dh was very much there to support and help me and I started to feel like I'd given up on the marriage too soon, maybe I should try harder for the children, he is a decent guy, he had some counselling to help with his anger, I had some counselling to help with my self esteem etc.

So we began to talk, we attempted marriage counselling but it always led us to arguments so we decided to just to try dating and getting to know each other again.

He moved back in as he was taking the dc to nursery every day anyway and was living at his parents which was not ideal.

Now we are doing much better in many ways, the arguments are much less frequent and more reasonable, we both pull our weight, we do more for fun on weekends etc. However sexually I'm not attracted to him at all. I've tried to just relax and let it happen but I'm not desiring it and though he says he can do without it, he compliments me all the time, grabs me, gropes me etc. I am comfortable hugging him and being physically close but not sexually. Last night he was very horny, I told him no and then during the night when he was asleep he started touching me. I was really upset and angry and slapped his hand and told him to get off and leave me alone, he apologised and went to sleep in the other room.

I am afraid he'll do it again and I'm afraid for our daughters if they share a bed with him (they're 3 and 5) if he has this lack of self control and doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I'll ever feel sexual towards him.

Me leaving is absolutely not an option for many reasons but not because I don't think he's safe.

You were financially better off without him, yet cannot progress without him?
WTF

If leaving someone you don't want to be with is not an option, then wandering hands in the night is the least of your problems.

I cannot leave his country and I cannot get other jobs as long as I live here, thats what I meant about career.

Looks like you are using him?

Denying him sex on a permanent basis is not the right approach as far as I'm concerned!

At least get sexual therapy and see if you can reconnect with him otherwise you are just friends.

I could leave him but all our lives would be worse for it. It would be much better if I could just get over this hurdle of not being sexually attracted.

I'm not using him, I care about him and my dc. I was willing to put my own wants, needs and progression to the side for their sakes. Mostly it's working. This is the only aspect that's not.

Op, you should put all relevant information in your op. Your situation sounds complex. People can advise but your op has left out your concerns about leaving because you're not from the country you live in. You need to research all your options. People here can help but be clear about what you're asking advice for. You clearly want to leave him. It's clearly not working. So, what's the problem about doing this?

You are not being honest with us.

Don't bring in concerns about your daughters if that's not the issue

I feel guilty, like I'm shortchanging my dc and him if I break them apart. I feel like I should work on my marriage not just give up. I really don't want to be the cause of all that heartache for everyone around me.

Let me just put this to you, are you financially dependent on him? Are you allowed to work in the country you live in if you divorce?

Sorry, I didn't mean to be dishonest, I just was bothered with the sex thing, I've come to terms with the bigger picture.

You're not shortchanging anyone by splitting up. So let's put that one to bed. You and him can have equal time with your children. Everyone can be happy.

Yes I can work here and financially be independent. He works but financially is better off with me.

Deciding your DH may be a paedophile is not generally regarded as a sign of a functional/ working relationship.

It is possible to leave in a dignified manner and to raise happy children when the parents live on separate continents. You don't sound like you are quite in the right place for that yet.

Much of the information you give is conflicting.

You left him before, so why is it suddenly impossible now?

You cheated on him with more than one person.

Sounds like staying will bring just as much heartbreak to your "d"h and dc.

It it an option for him to stay with the kids and you rent a small flat nearby? If he's doing the morning nursery runs that sounds more logical, then you can have your self esteem boosting flings away from your family.

Sounds like you are now just using him to remain in the country!

But your divorce was almost final, so you must have decided what you intended to do about career, childcare and so on?

It doesn't sound like you tried to put the relationship back together for the right reasons. The fact you couldn't get through marriage counselling without arguments was a pretty clear sign.

Can you sleep separately?

I didn't cheat on him, we were separated and getting divorced.

I don't understand why you were financially better off when separated. How was that possible?

No I am certainly not using him to stay in this country, I can do that without him, this is not a country people move to so much as move away from!

You are being very unfair to him. Can you go to sex therapy? Which country are you in? I can understand that he needs a relationship with the kids and probably would not want you to leave the country as he would then lose that. But it does sound pretty hopeless if you are expecting him to go without sex for the rest of his life.

Sorry your marriage is over and you would be better off seperate for birth of you. I do this to DH and vice Versa in bed/cooking etc and would never describe it as groping, Just a loving hand on my hips etc. You aren't going to change the way you feel about him and if he lives you and is attracted to you can't keep feeling guilty for expressing that.
You said you were financially better off apart, go back to that. Your kids will pick up way more on the tension and uncomfortableness in the house than a divorce would affect them

The op wasn't saying her dh is a paedophile she was saying she was concerned that his hands wander when he's asleep. So therefore wondered if they would wander if he was sleeping with his daughters.

I don't understand. Has something changed between when you were happily living apart from him and financially better off, and now?

Why can't you just split up again? I agree with PP the current situation isn't tenable long term and isn't fair on either of you.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life fending him off?