Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

As if we've all remained 100% sexually attracted to our partners all of the time in a long term relationship

But surely telling your partner that you're not sexually attracted to them is the death knell??

Ok, I'm going to suggest a different approach. You've been ill for a long time and your recovery is very recent. Congratulations on that. Your dh has only ever known you as I'll, even if he was unaware of that so I suspect that in the last few months you have changed a lot both physically and emotionally. That's a lot of change.

He's also got his own illness and fragilities to deal with. So for now sex is on the back burner. That's fine, most marriages can go through dry periods and survive. You say you are intimate in other ways which is great. Having a one year old is also pretty knackering and enough to kill a sex life for a while.

Your dh needs to discuss all of this with a counsellor and so do you. He loves you but currently isn't feeling sexual with you. I'm almost 100% confident this will return if you really do have a strong relationship. Putting pressure on him can only make it worse and in reverse send all be up in arms.

Concentrate on the good stuff of which there is loads. Agree to forget sex for a while but ensure the intimacy continues. Close cuddles and hugs keep you together. As things settle in to the new normal I am certain things will improve.

I'm just astounded at how many people suggest you LTB after such a short hitch in your marriage. You love one another. Hang onto that. It's a shame he told you and it must have hurt like hell but you say you prefer the truth and you sound so rock solid determined to get well that it not going to get in the way of getting well and a better future.

It's annoying that LTB is used so frequently on this site. It's an immature, unhelpful response.
Your husband obviously has a lot of difficulties of his own to overcome and you are untaking this difficult journey together. Don't look to the present situation as being how it will always be. He may feel insecure that you have changed so much both emotionally and physically and that may be difficult for him to get his head around at the moment.people with MH issues sometimes see the world as a very scary, complex minefield to negotiate at the best of times. You need to both look after yourselves and your own unique problems but also find time for closeness.....meals out, watching a film together cuddled up, laugh together as much as possible and try to be happy. Take the pressure for sex off the agenda. Relax, take each day as it comes and see how it all pans out.

Matilda - thank you. That really means a lot

My friend isn't skeletal either.

I think ppl with ED tend to keep people around them who don't challenge their ED or actively maintain it TBH.

Because food is an essential human need I do not believe it is possible to keep an ED from someone you live with unless they are blind to it themselves.

Offred, yes maybe I did subconsciously choose him for that reason. But not for that reason only. I do love him very much

But surely telling your partner that you're not sexually attracted to them is the death knell??

What do you think he should have said then? Given that she asked him outright and wanted an honest answer?

Excellent post matilda

He night not be explicitly telling you to lose weight, but the fact that he's chipping away at your confidence and is only willing to have sex with you when you're smaller speaks volumes.

I find it hard to understand that weight gain within a normal range could impact someone's attraction to someone they care about to the extent that they couldn't 'get it up or keep it up'

This isn't in the normal range though. Did you miss that part?

It's an increase of 50% of her body weight in a short period. From slim, to borderline obese.

But it's temporary, and necessaryfor OP to recover, and both OP and her DH understand that, and her DH is being supportive in every way (he just doesn't want sex).

From the sounds of things, sex aside, they are still very happy together, have a child, and are very much a team who love each other and WANT to be together.

I agree with Matilda too. Spot on.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

I'm not trying to be unkind, I just think you do need to think about this part because an ED is usually life long and though your resolve is strong just now there will be times in the future where you fall back into the patterns and the thinking and is it going to be ok being with a guy who likes you when you are ill and doesn't notice the signs?

I'm obviously crazy but I don't think that hurtful comments are the way to go in a relationship. Especially voicing your criticism of your partners body when they are overcoming an ed!

So for now sex is on the back burner. That's fine, most marriages can go through dry periods and survive the dry periods and survival aren't usually because the partner is too fat to fuck. The dry period is enforced by the dh and will be survived when she loses the weight.

Op you clearly want to defend your dh despite your op. Time will tell.

Well done on your recovery! You are doing amazingly well.

So much has been changing for both of you in a short space of time. Keep it in mind that your husband is possibly someone who is only sexually attracted to very thin women, and be mindful if this begins to undermine your recovery. Also it will have implications for the future of your marriage as body changes are inevitable through illness, injury, age and pregnancy.

However, as others have suggested there may be other factors involved eg the speed of the change, or other things which you can work through.

I was also wondering if he has started taking medication that may affect sexual functioning, and is wrongly attributing these side effects to your weight?

I admittely haven't read past page 1

But it is VERY unfair

When a woman doesn't want to have sex for whatever reason, that is fine, it is her body and her choice.
But when a man doesnt want to, he is being unreasonable and should be kicked out?

She asked an honest question, he gave an honest answer. Why should he be forced into sex when he doesnt want to?

Ed massive congratulations on kicking the ED. I think Offred has a point about whether he can be as supportive as you'll need him to be going forwards, under the circumstances, but maybe you can find someone else to fulfill that role.

With regards to your weight, it's all so personal. I'm 5 ft 3, size 8 looks healthy on me. I'm a 10 at the minute, my frame is such that it gives me a chubby face and a stomach and I don't suit it at all. I was a 12 last year, I looked like a ball. Some people look amazing as a 12/14/16, I do not. I don't find myself attractive at those sizes. DP weighs around 12 stone usually, when he gained 2 stone a few years ago, his parents sat him down and told him he was fat and looked unwell. I cannot imagine anyone doing that to me. The importance and opinion on weight seems so highly personal.

For you, you are recovering. You are almost certainly happier now. You may well look or dress or act differently now that you don't have an ED, and he needs to adjust to that. Don't entertain the idea of a sexless marriage. I'd want him to be honest too, even if it hurt, but I'd also expect him to try and fix things. For him to try and work through his feelings. If he can't, for whatever reason, then I think the ED has taken its toll and it's time to separate and walk away from this knowing you're recovered and in a better place. Maybe losing you would make him reconsider what is important in this relationship but at 28/29, you're no where near old enough for a sexless marriage to become an option.

You seem quite strong in resolve now but do make sure this doesn't trigger you. This is his issue. Don't adopt it or take responsibility for it.

God there is some absolute rubbish written on this thread, if it was a woman not wanting to have sex for whatever reason, you would all be "its your body your choice" etc. The old MN double standards to the fore....

I'm sorry but there are lots of men who fancy their wives at any size. Your partner is one of the few who is only aroused by a slender size 8/10. Even without an ED weight fluctuates due to pregnancy, age, lifestyle. With an ED your weight will possibly fluctuate more. So I cannot see how he can be a suitable partner for you now. You can remain friends and great co parents.
Congratulations on your recovery!!!! Please don't let his sexual preferences derail it.

Bagina You clearly don't think that he should have been honest with her, what do you think he should have done then?

If I'm honest, my sexual attraction to someone would waver if they increased in body weight by 50% in 5 months. That's not to say it wouldn't return when I'd adjusted to the change.

OP, is there a possibility that your DH medication is the cause of his lack of libido, and the timing has just confused the issue?

Sorry op but he doesn't love you . With everything you have been and are still going through, the message he is giving you is absolutely awful. You can't continue, well I couldn't. Good luck.

Keep it in mind that your husband is possibly someone who is only sexually attracted to very thin women

Size 8 is not "very thin women".

And OP has said they were still having sex up until 6 weeks ago, and the weight has been increasing for 5 months, so just under a stone a month really. And they were having sex until very recently. So it's hardly like he's said that any weight at all is a turn-off.

But I think your bipolar medication point is a good one.

I don't know I think honesty about this stuff is really helpful even if it is not nice to hear. He is who he is.

I just worry, having watched my BF with this for the last 11 years. It never goes away, she has had an ED since her early teens and is in her 40s. It is a battle to stay as well as she can every day still. She does it for her son. She hasn't needed intervention since he was born 13 years ago.

That doesn't mean she is well.

She has had all the treatment she can, is maintaining her weight as best she can, eats crisps, cheese etc. But it is all so hard and every time she goes through difficulty in life the fight with the ED is harder because the ED is essentially her way of coping (maladaptively) with life. She will always have the thinking patterns and behaviour patterns associated with her ED and is not always self aware about them.

I just think it would be very hard for her if she was married to someone who actively/passively supported her illness by being more sexually attracted to her when she was ill and not seeing that she is ill. When you have the weak moments, when you get into some of the delusional thinking patterns and the person you are with is reinforcing them not questioning them that is going to be very hard.

At some point you will have sufficient historical distance from whatever it was prompted this period of recovery and at that point you may feel safe enough to slip back, how is he going to handle that? As a person supportive of you not slipping back or a person who actually reinforces your return to ill health?

That to me is what is important, and if he reinforces the ED it isn't relevant why or whether or not he is a bad or a good guy.

Bagina, I'm only defending certain things that have been said that are inaccurate or assumptions.

Roles reversed: I'd tell dh I didn't want sex as my meds had affected my sex drive. I'd know it was temporary and that he would eventually get back to his normal weight. I would shoulder that myself, I wouldn't put it on the recovering person as where would that lead??? Probably a direct route back to ed.