Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

I think people are being very harsh and unfair on the DH. The OP asked him for the truth, up until she did that, he'd not said a word, just continued supporting her and her recovery and loving her.

Some of these comments are

So he should have had sex with her to make her feel better about herself even though he doesn't want to, and isn't feeling the urge for sex? Can you imagine if this was a man posting this saying he thought his wife should continue to have sex with him because he needs sex and intimacy to feel loved and supported? There would be outrage. And rightly so.

It's a big change, if OP was a size 8 and has put on 30kg then that's probably about a 50% increase in her body size/weight. Going from slim to almost obese is a huge change in a short amount of time. Of course that will take some adjusting to.

It's probably a bit of a vicious circle at the moment-you are dealing with going from a slim person to an obese person (temporarily) and that is making you feel insecure, so you are looking for reassurance in sex. At the same time, your DH is not feeling sexually attracted, but still loves you and is supporting you getting better in all ways except sex.

OP needs to adjust to her "new normal", so does her DH. Give it some time to settle and then see how things are. I doubt leaving your marriage when you both still love each other and want to be there for each other is going to help you feel better.

He is one of those men who like women with eating disorders. He wants to control you and for you to be ill because that's how he likes it. You're dealing with one demon, and another is living in your house giving you a hard time. He is undermining your efforts to be well. You are beautiful and valuable, whatever your size. You are making progress. Don't let him make you feel bad.

Sorry but making sex dependant on weight loss is not only unsupportive, but dangerous to you and quite frankly ridiculous! He has shown his true colours. Is there a deeper control issue?

A person should always be willing to have sex with their partner, even if they don't want to. They have a duty.

Or is this one of those times where the advice would be the exact opposite if the situation was reversed?

He is one of those men who like women with eating disorders.

Oh come on!

He's attracted to slim physiques, like a huge number of people are. Size 8 isn't freakishly small for a woman to be, size 8 women will usually still be a "normal" BMI. It's not like he's attracted to skeletal pro-ana inspiration bodies.

OP wasn't well that size, but most people are. So he hardly has a predilection for women looking and being ill. People are getting a bit hysterical here.

He still loves OP, is encouraging and supportive of her getting better, he just doesn't want sex at the moment. He shouldn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to just to make someone else feel better.

Think about the reverse of this situation and think about what you are saying!

In that case the truth would lead to the end of the relationship as I couldn't have sex with someone again who deemed my body unattractive, even more so if I was recovering from an illness.

No, and neither could I. Which is why I would rather know the truth than to be fed a more palatable lie and be worrying about the increasing frequency of his headaches...

It probably would have been more accurate to say that a lie would feel like more of a betrayal than a deal breaker, tbh, because both would be a deal breaker!

I agree with you, AyeAmarok

But a lot of women on these threads project due to their own body image issues.

Exactly, Tiggy.

Of course he shouldn't have sex against his will but he shouldn't be blaming the op's body for it!! He should keep it to himself. The only solution for the op to be able to please him is to seriously get dieting and exercising, as her flesh is ugly. What could possibly be the problem with this????

But he was keeping it to himself until she asked.

He wasn't following her round calling her names and commenting on everything she ate.

I would leave. Sorry.

He sounds very shallow and vain and his illness is no excuse. I love my dp whatever shape or size he is. And because I love him I find him attractive. When you are married or in a long term relationship looks shouldn't really come into it.

My dp had a stoma bag fitted about 6 years ago. Did I find it attractive? No. Did I still find dp sexually attractive? Yes.

I gained 4st when pg and bfing ds. He still wanted me. I still want him now he is about 4 st heavier than when we met.

Because I love and respect him regardless of his appearance and that love translates to a need to be physically close and have sex.

I hope your recovery continues OP.

I agree with Aye, if my wife lost or gained a lot of weight then I would no longer find her attractive and I wouldn't want to have sex with her and I'm sure that she would feel the same about me.

Of course he shouldn't have sex against his will but he shouldn't be blaming the op's body for it!! He should keep it to himself.

OP asked him and said she wanted him to be honest! He had been keeping it to himself.

And up until a few weeks previously, he had been continuing to have sex but was worried that he wasn't going to be able to "keep it up", which no doubt would have been even worse for making OP feel crap if his erection died mid session.

You'd rather he just kept saying he had a headache?

This guy cannot win.

Timelytess - seriously??? This is just offensive. He wasn't even aware of the fact that I had an eating disorder.

And of course it would be worse if he kept coming up with lame excuses like a headache etc. As if i couldn't see through that. I would prefer him to respect me enough to tell the truth than lie to me.

Hi op

Well done in getting this far in your recovery

My other point is that I wonder if you and your dh got together because of the fact you both had issues at the time. Him mental health and you your ED, misery loves company and now he hasn't got the company of your ED.

He may not be deliberately trying to derail you but unconsciously he might be, is he worried you might leave him if you get healthy and fitter?

Is he worried because his mh issues are not going to go away where as yours probably are.
I think some more talking needs to be done. One of the original reasons you got together has changed and he might be feeling left out and worried, It also might mean your relationship has run its course.

Timeless, what an ignorant and baseless comment. The DH has continued to be affectionate and supportive towards the OP. He's done absolutely nothing wrong.

OP, Im sorry you're going through this but is it possible your husband just doesn't have the energy to be part of relationship where his partner has an eating disorder. It could just seem to him that its not gone from one extreme to another.

Im sorry.

Guiltypleasures - when we got together he wasn't aware that I had an eating disorder, and he wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until about 8 months ago. So we are both different people to when we first met. But yes, we probably do need to talk more about it. We have a couples counselling session soon so we will do so then.

I was quite slim when I met my DH, but pregnancy ruined my body and PCOS and depression leading to food addiction made me pile on the weight and at my heaviest I was 25st. I have huge body confidence issues and although I have lost 10st I have loose skin, stretchmarks and saggy tits. Throughout all this I worried that DH would not find me attractive as I hate the way I look myself but he has told me he loves me for me and still fancies me as much as he did when we met.

Your DH sounds like either he doesn't grasp that you are the same person just getting healthy, or he is finding it hard to cope with you becoming more assertive and confident with your recovery. Many relationships fail when one of the parties is in recovery from an eating disorder as the other party has to relinquish the care giver role and rebalance the relationship, and frequently the reason why so many people leave is that their partner withholds sex as a last ditch attempt to get them to comply and revert to the unhealthy lifestyle dependent upon them for support.

Good luck for the future OP, put your health first.

As far as I can see it, what is more important to you? Your mental and physical health or his?

Because if this is his stance, you can't have both. There is alot going on here that will probably never be resolved.

Time to end this relationship. It isn't healthy for you and you need that recovery.

OP - he's said he loves you and is in all other ways being supportive. He still kisses and cuddles you and says he wants to be with you and believes this is a temporary issue. You are both dealing with a lot of stress, changes and insecurities. Give each other a chance to get used to it all.

Your Dh is getting an unfair criticism here. He doesn't deserve it. Typical of the relationships board imo.

It sounds like you are going through a relationship blip. Much like every couple. You are committed to each other and will work through it. He has confirmed that in a very loving way.

And of course it would be worse if he kept coming up with lame excuses like a headache etc. As if i couldn't see through that. I would prefer him to respect me enough to tell the truth than lie to me.

Exactly OP.

This is all probably just temporary. You still both love each other, support each other, I assume still have a laugh and a cuddle and enjoy each other's company? And want to stay married.

The sex will probably return in time, even if your weight doesn't taper. You both just need time to adjust. And also, even if your weight doesn't taper (though I'm sure it will) your body will probably change anyway as once it comes out of panic-mode it will stop clinging to fat in the same places and everything will settle.

Just keep yourself healthy. Good healthy sustainable diet and walking and exercise out in the fresh air will help with good mental health. Look after yourself. That's what is important; the rest will fall into place.

Also meanthe to add - neither of these things are deliberate acts either - it's to do with familiarity and how relationships continue down one path for so long that it is a huge sea change when one side is going in a different direction. Your DH's mental health issues will make it even harder for him to cope right now.

Difficult one.

It makes me wonder if you "chose" him in the first place because his attitudes and behaviour somehow reinforced your eating disorder.

Now you're over it - and congratulations by the way - it seems that he is not the right person for you.

(When I was young I was very skinny and even then when I was pretty wet behind the ears I was disturbed when more than one boyfriend said that they really liked this about me.)