Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

So he should lie then Bagina?

How is that helpful? If you ask a direct question, you should expect a direct answer. He sounds like he was nothing other than supportive until she asked.
AyeAmorak is talking a lot of sense here

The first thought which came to my mind was to wonder if your DH was having any sexual feelings at all. Is he still masturbating or is he suffering a general loss of libido?

You have both been through a lot recently. It would not be at all surprising for that to have an effect on either of your libidos.

Is it a case of 'I dont want sex at the moment, I'm still the same so this problem must be coming from outside, Edwarrior has changed so it must be because of that'?

There's a lot of double standards and bollocks being spouted on this thread.

Are women who don't have sex with their partners for whatever reason advised to leave them so that they can find someone more 'willing'? Are they fuck, they are told it's their body and their choice.

I think it's really sad, actually, that the OP's thread is being derailed by people who clearly have their own body image issues.

Some people feel so threatened by the fact that a man might not find a woman sexually attractive at any size, that they feel it is appropriate to attack the OP and her husband when there is nothing she has posted that has suggested he is an awful person.

And a size 8 is not necessarily 'thin'. It is on some women, but not on others. I'm well into the overweight bmi range at a size 14, other women wouldn't be.

Some of the things that have been written on here 'in support' of the OP are appalling.

To tell your wife you don't fancy her enough to have sex with her because of a weight gain? That is a huge blow to anyone but to a woman who is recovering from an ED it is unforgivable .

Offred, your BF does not sound like someone who is in remission. She still has an active ED from what you're describing. Practicing remission does require some effort, but not to the extent that you speak of.

But that would be a lie, Bagina wouldn't it?

Liars are pretty despicable in my book.

Yes, he has recentlt changed medication in the last 3 months, so that may be a factor.

You know what, he shouldn't have been 'honest' with you. I'm not even sure he has really hit the nail on the head for why he feels this way. He may put it down to weight gain, but there are probably a myriad of reasons that aren't under your control.

You have a 1 year old. Being tired makes you feel less sexy. Also, the opportunity for sex is reduced. And the hormones are changed so as a couple you naturally abstain (natural contraception if you like)

Your body has changed in ways other than weight gain - you are post pregnancy. You both have a different view of your body and what it's function is. It can produce another human life. It is not just about aesthetics. It is the source of life for you and your baby. He is not seeing you in a sexual way because your body is not just sexual for him anymore. It is so much more.

So, I don't think he really understands what he feels. He isn't seeing you as 'less attractive' but he is adjusting to your change in body image. It is not something you can sort out by changing your weight (not that you would as this is against your recovery). You could talk about what your body has done in making your child and how wonderful it is and he can learn to reframe it too. I know with my ED it made me talk about my body and present it in a certain way, different to how I present and talk about it now post children. I am very conscious of how I talk about my body now as I have a nasty way of putting it down when actually it is wonderful and very healthy.

I'd just lay off the sex altogether and concentrate on building both of your ideas about a woman's body and what it is and what it's for etc etc.

Do you think you can teach him about your specific ED behaviours/patterns? That it is irrelevant what dress size you are at the time the ED thinking and behaviours are the parts he needs to see. Do you think he can learn to be a partner who notices and do you trust him, given he has said he finds you more attractive when ill, to actively support you being well?

He can't help his sexual preferences I suppose. But are you absolutely sure he is not consciously or unconsciously trying to hamper your recovery?
Most husbands with a 1 year old would be delighted to be having lots of sex with their wives again curves or no curves.
It seems really weird to me and I would LTB.

toptoe the child is 1. This has been an issue for the past 6 weeks. When the OP has been gaining in weight at a rate of a stone a month. So hardly as soon as she put on a couple of pounds or due to pregnancy.

OP, your partner is harming you. I am a recovered anorexic, so have some understanding of the issues around this. His own mh is no excuse.

Yes she is still active and has never had a period of remission, just keeping on top of it so it never gets as bad as it has done.

You clearly are in remission at the moment but I do think you will need to guard against falling back into it forever. There will be times where it becomes a risk to you again and how he supports you will matter.

You've been putting on weight for five months, he's had an issue with sex for 6 weeks. I wouldn't say he is only attracted to underweight women. However, you have apparently gone from being very controlling about your calorie intake and weight to ballooning in weight. That's a massive change in your behaviour, not just your weight, in a short space of time. At the same time, he is coming to terms with his own diagnosis, taking medication that may well affect his sex drive, trying to be supportive but probably feeling a bit scared about what all these changes in your life together mean, and suffering from performance anxiety. As soon as he starts worrying about not being able to maintain his erection, he'll lose his erection. You both need counselling - so you are doing the right thing. You both also need time. Be patient with each other.

My first husband was like this. My weight gain (from size 10 to 14) was due to gluttony rather than a medical reason. So I guess he had a a point that I had 'let myself go'.

But once he to,d me he didn't find me sexually attractive, it could never be unsaid. Would he fancy me when I got old and wrinkled? What about baby fat? What if I needed a medical procedure that altered my body?

I was young, and I couldn't get past what he'd said. I nagged and begged. It became the biggest issue in our relationship. I constantly compared myself to other women. I wondered if he found my friends more attractive than me. We ended up divorcing. Not prettily.

In hindsight, and as a slightly more mature person, I should have looked at it from his POV. And he from mine. Maybe if we'd had counselling or spoken to each other more honestly we'd have made it (although the DV wasn't helping ...).

OP, I think you are wise to treat this as a serious 'heads up' in your marriage. I also think that his honesty and your willingness to listen and discuss with outside help is a great sign that you can resolve this. But I also think that he needs to understand that he's hurt you, he's not supporting you emotionally and that this issue could damage your marriage if he doesnt work with you to resolve it.

That may well be a factor. We all tend to see ourselves as 'normal' so even if we change we dont always see that we have changed. How often do we talk about the world going by when in fact it us who are moving?

Your change is a visible one but that does not mean he is standing still.

Offred, yes I do trust him with that. He knows the signs now, and I believe he would be able to spot it easily.

Withholding sex is a purely male sin on MN. Women can't withhold sex, they have full control of who they fancy and when.

My DP doesn't demonstrably fancy me quite so much these days. He loves me as much as ever but I guess his knob didn't get the memo about weight gain being sexy.

It's different for me because I'm 45 and not that arsed myself anyway. I think it's grim though to inform the OP that her husband doesn't love her. Who knows what's on for him, and they have a kid too.

Wish I had some helpful advice but all I can say is if you do truly feel loved, hang in there. This could be a very minor bump in a long road.

However hard this might be for you, OP, the rapid change in your physical appearance is clearly also very hard for your DH. Don't rubbish his perfectly legitimate feelings.

I think part of the reason I've seen red over this (I replied up thread), is that - were my husband to say to me that weight gained or lost due to my ed meant he was no longer physically attracted to me and didn't want to have sex, it would have sent me in to a tail spin and right back in to destructive eating habits. That doesn't seem to have happened with you, OP and well done on that front, but was your husband 100% sensitive to the impact his words could have had? It's just such a tremendously risky thing to have said to someone in recovery. Even if you did ask.

how do you feel about his sexual desire being solely contingent on your appearance? It's all very well for people to say 'hang in there - the sex will return' but the well used phrase on MN if someone tells you who they are, then listen. He's told you very plainly what he thinks and how he feels.

I do not recall anyone on this thread saying the op's husband should just have had sex with her even if he didn't want to .

I'm bowing out of this thread now as it's making me a touch anxious about my own issues with food, but I want to wish you well OP, and - if it's right for you both - then I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to be together in a healthy relationship.

And congratulations again on your recovery.

Yes, he has recentlt changed medication in the last 3 months, so that may be a factor

In that case Ed, it's most likely a combination of both your weight and the medication, or maybe even moreso the medication, as 3 months ago, (when you'd already put on weight) you were still having sex.

He probably wouldn't be able to tell it was the medication though, but there'll be people now piling in to tell you he's cruelly and intentionally told you it's your weight to deflect from his own inadequacies and you should LTB. Sometimes I think people get a kick out of trying to tear someone's life apart under the pretense of being supportive.

Honestly, I think this is just a temporary blip. It's 6 weeks of a dry spell after a period of massive change in both your lives. 6 weeks is nothing.

I think you sound like a pretty good team actually.

Just want to add too that in a relationship the sex does change over time too. To begin with there is lots, then you settle into often, then children arrive and it weans off for a while with flurries of it. On top of that, yours and his emotional/hormonal changes will fluctuate your sex drive. So he may be having a drop in his sex drive and attributing it to the obvious change, when infact it isn't that at all.

I would lie in that specific case to help dh. It's very naive to just say always tell the truth when the effects of that "truth" are so far reaching for the other person. As a pp said, he doesn't even know if that is the "truth". Could be his meds or the baby. I'd blame it on either of these as a temporary measure whilst my dh became well.

Tootsiepops said it all.