Husband doesn't want to have sex due to my weight gain :(

[Edwarrior]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. For most of that time I have had an eating disorder. In the last 5 months I have been in recovery and have gained a lot of weight as a result. Nearly 30kgs, and I think I'm still gaining. This is very hard for me, but it's a process that I need to go through to regain my health obviously. (Often what happens is that the body stores a lot of extra fat at the beginning of recovery until the body learns to trust that food is readily available again. So although I have gained a lot, it is likely that my weight will slowly taper back down to my natural set point within 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure what my natural set point is but I think about a size UK 10-12)

My problem is, that although my husband is very loving and supportive of my recovery, he has become unattracted to me physically and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore (for the past 6ish weeks he has felt this way. Before that we were still having sex). He will still kiss and cuddle me and is otherwise affectionate. I was a size 8 most of our time together and am now a size 14. I don't quite know what to make of this. It makes me feel very self conscious too. I swing from thinking he's a shallow bastard to thinking 'well he can't help what he's physically attracted to'. He says he loves me and is 100% committed to me, and is happy to stay married forever - without having sex. This doesn't seem right to me and is not what I want. I'm only 29 and him 28! We can't call it quits on sex at such a young age!

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually. But this makes me feel like his love for me is conditional on my weight. Is it unfair of him to not have sex and be unattracted to me? What if my weight never tapers back down? Should I just wait this process out and see what happens? I do love him very much, but this makes me question his commitment to me. Don't actions speak louder than words sometimes?

Please, no suggestions to 'stop gaining weight' or 'just go on a diet'.

Thank you.

I have bipolar, and a change of medication two years ago led to a 4.5stone weight gain. I went from a 10 to a 16/18. DH never stopped fancying me.

I've now lost 2.5st and am a 14. He constantly tells me how sexy and gorgeous I am and would have sex three times a day if I was up for it.

I also have bpd which leads to very black and white thinking. I can honestly say I would fancy DH even if he piled on the weight. And I can't imagine saying to someone recovering from an ED that I don't like the weight they've put on. Bipolar doesn't make people into cruel arseholes.

Shallow piece of shit in my mind - what would happen if G-d forbid you had to have some op which changed your looks/body? It's a few pounds on the woman he should love inside and out - I would hate him

I don't think 'most people' are well at a size 8 actually. Some people, short people, people with small bones, are well at size 8. Some people are seriously ill - like the OP. For others it is actually not physically possible to get to a size 8. Most people I would say would not be healthy at size 8, only the shorter and smaller boned people.

You can tell when someone has a problematic weight and it is not about what dress size they are.

I don't think it is ridiculous to suggest that the op's DH may be one of those men who is attracted to women with ED as OP is a woman who is seriously ill at size 8 and that is what he is saying he found attractive.

He understands the recovery process and says that he will want to have sex again when my weight tapers back down eventually

He's already told you the score. You asked, he told, now what to do with that truth?? You will have to wait and see how you feel about him in time; if it's changed your feelings towards him irreversibly.

I do find it hard to understand your DH - it seems odd to be able to compartmentalise sexual desire and desire for another person so completely.

My DH put on a lot of weight when he was in an unhappy place. i worried terribly about the impact on his self esteem and health and very much wanted him to lose it, but I did understand the weight gain was the symptom of a bigger issue. he has now lost it. But the point is, even at his largest, i still desired him, because I love him. Now, I am not someone who would ever be attracted to a fat man, but with my DH, I didn't see him in that way, he was still the man I loved and fancied and wanted to be with in every way.

I am sorry, but I don't, in the end, think your partner's feelings for you run deep enough to survive the long haul. You are both quite young and I expect you haven't met 'the one' yet. I wouldn't compromise on finding true love.

So what should the husband do? Just have sex to please the OP? That's hardly enthusiastic consent is it? Imagine the outrage if a husband told a wife she had to have sex with him.

The poor guy is trying to be supportive, still kissing and cuddling and telling her he loves her. He's been truthful on the sex front and there is no reason to believe he isn't being truthful when he says and things will return to normal.

Quite apart from what is going on here I do think that a relationship between two people with significant mental health problems is going to be hugely difficult for both people.

Raingods - he has never been in a caregiver role, he wasn't aware of my ED until I decided to recover.

AyeAmarok - yes, we do still have a laugh, a loss and cuddle and enjoy each others company very much most of the time. Especially as I am now more present, and he medicated for his bipolar so he is a more stable person.

It's not that he should be having sex he doesn't want.

It's the fact that he doesn't want sex with his wife that is the problem.

A marriage where one person doesn't want sex because of something that is necessary to the other person's health is finished.

Sexual attraction so shallow that it turns off with weight gain that is necessary to get over an eating disorder doesn't speak of an especially strong love.

You know you can't go through pregnancy with a man like that.

And god forbid you ever need a wheelchair or a colostomy bag or a mastectomy with a man whose sexual attraction depends on your body being the same as when you met.

He's not a keeper.

*kiss, not loss

I don't think the husband should do anything...

Why do people need to act against themselves in order to preserve a relationship?

I think the dh has revealed himself to be an unsuitable person for someone with an ED. I think the OP should consider whether being with him is eventually going to become incompatible with recovery.

I have been through pregnancy with him. We have a 1 year old.

And I think he should have been aware of the ED, why the hell wasnt he aware?

It's impossible to generalise about whether size 8 is healthy or not.

OP is now overweight and that's a big weight gain.

Both people in this marriage seem to have gone through a lot of change. Change is inevitable in anyone's life. It's how you deal with it that counts. And what counts here is honesty and sensitivity, DH has displayed both.

I wouldn't fancy my OH if he gained that much weight. I think for some people sexual attraction is tied up with physique and for others if doesn't matter. You can't actually help which category you fall into.

Well done for overcoming the ED, OP. I hope you continue to recover and work through this issue with your DH. I think given the issues you will need professional help and support with all this. I also hope you have good friends and family

I'm just at the simplistic arguments here

As if we've all remained 100% sexually attracted to our partners all of the time in a long term relationship.

But, OP, through your recovery you will have relied on him for emotional support, whether or not he knew you had an ED previously. I wasn't suggesting that he was attracted to you because of your ED. He has become accustomed to being the emotional crutch since enough started to recover, and now your dependence is lessening, he is struggling to adjust. He probably doesn't realise that himself - it is very common for relationships where one party is recovering from an ED.

Offred - because I lied and kept it from him. You obviously don't know much about EDs, but that's ok. Me lying about having an ED is not relevant to this current problem.

*you, not enough

Handywoman, I think you are very right there. I have gained about 50% of my bodyweight, it's a lot.

Of course you lied and kept it from him.

But when you live with and are married to someone with an ED you should be able to see it.

My BF has an ED so bad that she was told she would never be able to have children, she did have a son. Her ED is obvious no matter the delusions she has like thinking that her son doesn't know. He does know even though he has been brought up with her as a single parent because it is obvious and clear even though she doesn't want it to be obvious and clear and she has put a huge amount of effort into keeping it from him.

Even just looking at her and spending some time with her it is obvious.

Raingods, i see what you're saying. That could be possible. We will have to raise it with our couples therapist. Thanks!

I agree with roundaboutthetown you are both going through very stressful times, he was only diagnosed with bipolar 8 months ago, you are recovering well from an eating disorder. He says he still loves you and cuddles and hugs you.
It is horrible that he can't seem to have sex BUT I do think it's early days. I would give things a bit of time and see where you are.

TBH I think there is some truth in the suggestion that you may have chosen him because of who he is - a person who is attracted to women with ED/doesn't notice ED.

I don't agree that sexual attraction is purely physical. I find it hard to understand that weight gain within a normal range could impact someone's attraction to someone they care about to the extent that they couldn't 'get it up or keep it up'. The brunette/blonde analogy is totally lost on me, I couldn't respect a man that fetishises women in that way.
There is something else going on here, and it doesn't strike me as healthy.

Offred. Thats not the case with all EDs though. We can be very very good at keeping it hidden. I was one of them. Not all people are skeletal and only eating a celery stick per day. Eds are varied and complicated, and not always obvious at all. Even I have been surprised to learn some people have had an ED, when my ed radar is pretty good!