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Original poster

Practical Tips For Managing a Player

245 replies

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:03

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 25/10/2016 23:46

They web link is literally one of the worst things I've ever read! What a twat

Also don't think this guy sounds like one of those awful twat players out getting bed post notches. He just doesn't want full on settling down

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/10/2016 23:49

Oh OP.

You're right, sometimes all encompassing love feels rare. Sometimes it's actually limerance masquerading as love. Regardless, it's not the rarity that makes it sought after. It's that it's reciprocated. This is not.

It is okay (in a roundabout way...) to decide that you would prefer to keep what you have with him and not rock the boat. If you can accept that this is your lot, and decide it's worth it for you to date him until he moves on even though it's not going anywhere, that's totally up to you.

You can't change his mind though. Those stories of people who had to chase a bit? There was already a spark, they liked each other. Most are in relationships with other people or work jobs that mean they can't date each other or whatever, but the barrier is circumstance, not attraction. No matter what you do, you cannot make this man love you. If he did feel something for you, he wouldn't risk losing you by telling you that he didn't want to be exclusive. He wouldn't risk losing you at all, just like you don't want to risk losing him. He doesn't feel like that. It's very likely that he's keeping you at arms length because he knows that either you are emotionally attached or you run the risk of becoming emotionally attached, and he doesn't want the hassle.

I am sorry. Leaving will save you much pain, in the long run, but it'll be hard. Staying might make you happier in the short term but in 30 years you'll wish you hadn't wasted so much of your life on someone who was so open that he didn't want a future with you.

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 00:10

They web link is literally one of the worst things I've ever read! What a twat

Oh I know. You should read some of the rest. I know most guys are not like that. However some are. So whenever I feel like contacting a guy who is luke warm, I remind myself of that guys blog as you never know. I'm not feeding any twats ego.

HerOtherHalf · 26/10/2016 01:05

I've seen quite a few posters compliment or commend this man for at least being honest with the OP. I'm not so sure his honesty is commendable. I suspect that he is so very aware of the OP's low self-esteem that he is confident he can just tell her straight this is all she's getting and he knows there is a very good chance she will just accept it. Honesty is good up to a point but not when it accompanies consciously taking advantage of a soft and emotionally vulnerable target.

Bogeyface · 26/10/2016 02:41

The thing is though, that him saying he doesnt want a committed relationship is fine. It really is ok! He is allowed to say that and as long as he is honest and upfront about it then any woman who gets involved with him does so on the understanding that a casual dating arrangement with sex thrown in.

If he preyed on women by lying to them, pretending to want marriage, babies etc while playing around behind her back then that would be wrong of course, but he hasnt.

As for people you have read about/know about OP that has stuck around and finally won their prize, its usually because the options for the other person have dried up and they know that their last chance at not dying alone is to marry the poor sucker who stuck around all these years. I know someone too who finally won their prize, and believe me she wishes that she hadnt because he spent their time together making her life a misery as none of the gorgeous young things wanted him anymore.

But you go ahead. Nothing we say is going to change your mind, that is obvious. We will be here when you finally accept that he doesnt love you and never will.

VenusRising · 26/10/2016 03:23

An STD might change your mind.

This guy isn't the safest bet as he is sleeping around.

If you're looking for a happy ending with him, think about this.
How about a lovely dose of herpes.... whatever about love, that'll stay with you forever.
Or antibiotic resistant gonorrhoea, (never get rid of that) or chlamydia which will bung up your Fallopian tubes with scarring and reduce your fertility, that's forever too. Forever is HIV or hepatitis.

Just cut and run OP. Listen to the advice we have for you. Some of it is hard won, and given freely.

Start a new hobby, like fly fishing, or astronomy and you'll meet some lovely bloke who thinks you're amazing enough to be faithful to, and who won't give your crabs or a nasty dose of thrush, or a feeling of worthlessness, desperation and depression.

Dump this player and you'll get your self worth and happiness back, forever!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 10:35

Myuser, really? Are you talking about 'The Rules Revisited' one? Because the underpinning message on it is that if a woman is dumped she shouldn't try to win him back - at all. What on earth is wrong with that message? It's bang on as far as I'm concerned.

=====

To read the OP's first post and her subsequent ones - are the worst things to read. Utterly cringeworthy and she's destined for heartbreak. I was feeling sorry for her but given her calculated determination to manipulate him, not so much now.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 10:43

The disgusting way he talks about women, slut shaming them perhaps?

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 10:44

I think Lying it is because he comes across as so disdainful.

Everyone has said on here that the guys don't dislike you or feel malice towards you, they just dont want to take it further. Why wold they dislike you if you havent done anything wrong.

The guy in the Rules Revisited is such a twat as he cant even tell the women he doesnt want to take it further. The OPs guy has at least told her he doesnt want anything. He also Judges them for wanting sex when he fucks around loads himself:

the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it.

The act of attempting to reconnect after you’ve been dumped or rejected or ignored only comes across as needy and insecure, two of the least attractive qualities.

And his most unattractive qualities are he is misogynist and a cunt.

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 10:46

Meant to add: the guy in rules revisited actually dislikes the women whom he has slept with, led on and then ghosted.

He speaks of a heavy dose of apathy when getting messages and his tone suggests he really dislikes them.

However, he jusges his behaviour accpetable nd we just have to toe the line?

I thought the OP may need to see that though as although perhaps not as extreme, it comes across bad trying to win over anyone who doesnt want you.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 10:47

I know he doesn't tell them! He just expects them 'to know'

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 10:50

That article though, when a guy doesnt contact me now, I dont bother.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 10:51

No I agree with that sentiment

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 11:11

Myusername

That blog is comedy gold though. There is another article about asking for feedback once you have been dumped and he gives an example of feedback he gave to a girl:

I then proceeded to tell her (nicely) that she shouldn't have slept with me on the first date, that she probably shouldn't have hit on me to begin with, and some of the other things she did wrong or I thought were impediments to taking things further.

Mother of God.

So he shouldnt have tried to get sex on a first date if it puts him off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 11:13

Myuser and QueenLiz (sorry to bump you together here, but):

Yes, it's a misogynistic article but I could find you an equivalent, written by a woman, that is misandrist. Even on this thread the man that OP is in love with - who by her own account has been absolutely clear with her - is called a lot of nasty names. Many of us seem to be guilty of this.

I think perhaps it hits close to the bone because we are (mostly) women here and it's uncomfortable to see or recognise this overtly ridiculous and pleading behaviour from another woman.

If I dumped a man, I would expect radio silence from him. I wouldn't expect - or respect - continued 'accidental' calls/texts and I would expect him to respect my decision, which I was free to make.

OP is NOT respecting this man's decision and she now wants to launch some kind of counter-strike to his decision, whereby she will try to trick him by stealth. I'm concerned that the 'safe sex' may go out of the window because, when your rationale isn't working properly, you're at risk of making poor decisions... and she wants to be loved so very badly.

Ghosting and ignoring and all of the other things that BOTH some men and women do, isn't kind - a quick call/text that gets straight to the point is effective and actually kinder. On that, I absolutely agree with you that the article writer is a twat - but only if I can apply that same stricture to any man or woman who doesn't tell the other person that they don't want them anymore.

I'm really not sure about the 'slut-shaming' because exasperation under the circumstances the article writer presents might drive me to make some unjust and highly prejudiced assumptions about a man under a reversed situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 11:14

I haven't read any of his other blogs though... they sound priceless! Shock

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 11:23

I dont think in the posts I've written here (although I may stand corrected as I cant remember everything I have said) that I've ever slagged off the OPs guy. I've simply told her not to bother an there is nothing she can do.

I do think his ethics are a bit questionable, as he must know, how could he not? that the OP wants more. But he has told her nonetheless. She should make him live with that and cut him off completely.

If I dumped a man, I would expect radio silence from him. I wouldn't expect - or respect - continued 'accidental' calls/texts and I would expect him to respect my decision, which I was free to make.

Exactly. But the guy in that article doesnt dump, he just ghosts. He shouldnt really be surprised if people contact him a couple more times if he never tells anyone he isnt wanting to see them anymore.

I often think that ghosting is a way to leave the door open too. If you break up with someone it is game over. Once you have told them you dont want them, dont want to date them and why, it's hard to come back. If you just ghost and never say a word then the option is left open to return.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 11:25

It is slut shaming really, it's that he's lucky he has such an open playing field for sex and is taking advantage of that by IMO using the technique of putting attractive women down (to feel less attractive) lowering their confidence to be able to have sex with them

I for one think the man in the OP is nothing like this kind of dreadful man.

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 11:26

And actually telling them they are sluts when they question his tactics

venusinscorpio · 26/10/2016 11:30

Yes, he's a bit of a PUA by the sound of it.

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 11:31

What does PUA mean?

QueenLizIII · 26/10/2016 11:33

This guy is an extreme example, as the OPs is different, she has the benefit of knowing he dosnt want a relationship with her but the point I wanted to make was, trying to win someone over looks desperate.

venusinscorpio · 26/10/2016 11:34

Pick Up Artist.

venusinscorpio · 26/10/2016 11:35

They employ all sorts of tactics to sleep with lots of attractive women but rarely want anything more.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 11:36

QueenLiz, no, I didn't mean you for the name-calling, that was much further up the thread and it was challenged, rightly so.

Myusername, I agree, OP's man is not like the article writer. I think the article writer is some kind of 'says what he thinks, no holds barred, doesn't suffer fools gladly... whatever other nonsense cliché he can add to the list' kind of man. And he most definitely doesn't like or respect women. I absolutely agree with you there.

The only reason why I question the 'slut-shaming' just a little is that he's just (to me) nothing more than a name-caller. We've had the equivalent names from women towards men, on this thread. That's why it makes me a bit uneasy.

There are far too many nasty names for women - slut, slag, bitch, etc. No real equivalent for men but, if we had them, I'm sure they would be fully used... and what would we refer to that as a term?

I'm honestly not disagreeing with either of you. The article writer is a disgrace; it was only boiling down the message to it's barest form of words - and bleaching my mind of the rest of the tripe - that I had any kind of agreement with what he was saying.