Practical Tips For Managing a Player

[CreativelyChallenging]

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

[Myusernameismyusername]

A player to me is dishonest. He's not dishonest about it

Ok he's the kind of man I have no time for but then again I have known women who just want this as well.

[TheNaze73]

Queenliz Not at all, of course it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. The worst type of player, would be a one & done. The guy the OP describes has been honest & whatever his reasons, doesn't want a relationship, which aren't for all

[QueenLizIII]

TheNaze what is a one & done?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Dadaist - I thought your post was BRILLIANT

[AnyFucker]

seconding admiration for Dada's post

[QueenLizIII]

Dadaist lost me when she spoke of value.

What is low value and high maintenance.
Or high value low maintenance

[Lottie999]

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

You have asked the above like it's some magic formula or something! Get a grip & be thankful that at least this guy was honest enough to tell you. After years of dating I've realised that guys do not say this to women who they like / see a future with. Don't complain when you are hurt etc because he warned you beforehand. Sorry to be blunt but you ain't got what he's looking for! He's happy to sleep with you only. End of.

[Dadaist]

QueenLizlll - so - people in relationships can be referred to as 'high maintenance' meaning they can be demanding or difficult (eg controlling, or jealous, or suspicious, plaintiff, spoilt, awkward, the opposite of easy going perhaps?)
So I'm just suggesting that from a male perspective - most guys seek a high value (beautiful clever engaging etc) partner - who is also low maintenance (confident and easy going and happy) not high maintenance - demanding, controlling, etc)

All analogies break down eventually - but stretching it a bit further -high value low maintenance is the brand new Mercedes - beautiful, wonderful and doesn't require attention. High value high maintenance is like the classic car, she's still beautiful and amazing but there's always something going wrong or needing fixing. Low value high maintenance is an old banger that's never happy. (So that would be the brand new Mercedes after 20 years of poor servicing, bad handling and neglect! Lol.)

[Dadaist]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, WhatsGoingOnEh and AnyFucker - thank you for the feedback. I think we all know that the dating dance involves first steps that conceal as they reveal (whether it's spending days picking the right outfit that you 'just flung on', or carefully devising how to 'just bump in' to someone, or playing it cool when underneath you're desperate etc etc). So I won't criticise OP for wondering if there is a dance to be had. But in the end you can't fake it full time, and the game in the first flush of romance can't be played forever - it's not what love is made of.

OP - I think what matters is finding the qualities in yourself that make you attractive to the guys worth having. And top of that list is high self esteem, knowing what you are worth and letting them know that you won't tolerate bad behaviour, disrespect or being third on anyone's list. Let others play the game to get close to you! If you are self-assured, confident and engaging, then you will attract people, and you'll find it in yourself to be sexy, smart, funny, and desirable.
So selling yourself short isn't a good way to start. Maybe next time your guy shows interest again, explain that you are worth a little more, and friendship is as far as it can go. He may be a fun to be around - but not be with, so let him go. It's not a crime to play the field, he's just still growing up. Find yourself a better man already, or at least one knows your worth, and wants to journey to being a better man to deserve you. They are the only women that 'players' change for anyway.

[FlowerOfTheValley]

So you've had a conversation where he's told you he still wants to play around and you've said okay.

In a nutshell his incentive to change is absolutely zero.

You could be amazing in bed, witty, brilliant company and gorgeous and it won't make any difference because he knows he can see you when he wants and do what he likes the rest of the time.

While you are accepting crumbs you will get crumbs.

I'm not criticising you as I've been in your shoes. All that happens is you fall for him more and get badly hurt. You might get some good memories out of it but he will ultimately cause you pain.

No man is worth the head fuck of trying to work out what you can do to make him want you. If you just want some fun then enjoy but if you have feelings for him then run a mile.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

Don't you think you deserve better than someone you have to 'win round'?

[user1476869312]

Thing is, this man doesn't want you. He doesn't dislike you, or mean you any harm, but if you start 'playing hard to get' he will cheerfully move on and quite probably not even notice that you are playing hard to get. People only put any effort into 'winning' a partner that they actually want. One cheerful, available person is very much like another, to people who do not want a longterm partner, and if those people have said very clearly and very firmly that they do not want a longterm partner, they are under no obligation at all to take any notice of 'hard to get' games.

[CreativelyChallenging]

Gee- a lot of replies! Thank you. It seems to divide into

• forget it/move on/wasting your time
  
• pull back/be a bit cooler/stop sleeping with him
  
• why would you want to manipulate him
  
  To respond to some of the comments:

[Goodgirl77]

Just don't. Sorry. I married one. Multiple affairs and lying!

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

The thing is, this man has told you exactly what he wants. You can't manipulate him or 'play' him back. He's an adult who has decided what he wants for himself and his life at the moment and, frankly, you sound a bit pathetic to be talking about trying to change him.

I really do despair of some of the women/posts on here.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Players never or rarely change.

He certainly won't change with you because you've shown your cards. If and if he does settle down it certainly won't be with you so I'd end it now.

[tonsiltennis]

This way lies heartbreak.

[CreativelyChallenging]

user147
Thing is, this man doesn't want you. He doesn't dislike you, or mean you any harm, but if you start 'playing hard to get' he will cheerfully move on and quite probably not even notice that you are playing hard to get. People only put any effort into 'winning' a partner that they actually want

I agree hugely. This is my problem. I have a pretty good idea that if I pull back or worse tell him how I feel, I will lose what I have now - which far from being perfect - is actually pretty good. I get to see and data a man who I am in love with and who I have a really fun time with and enjoy time with.

Don't you think you deserve better than someone you have to 'win round'?

LetsJungly and other who made the same point

I don't think it's that simple for a number of reasons but

first, "deserving better" just assumes that someone wanting you on its own trumps everything - doesnt follow that someone who "wants you" is "better." To put it in bases terms, a rude fat ugly smelly overweight unemployed man would actually have to work hard to "win round" a beautiful wealthy supermodel. If he makes her his partner, he has done rather well himself. Why would he be "deserving better" if he doesnt bother "winning round" the supermodel and settles for an even ruder, fatter, more smelly, more poverty stricken woman who thinks hes a catch and REALLY wants him?

I know Im not talking about these unreal extremes in my situation but I dont think that it follows that having to do a bit of "persuasion" = deserving better or less either way.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Similar story I've got a friend who's been dating her boyfriend for 8 years now... He does what he likes but basically he's "there for the good times", eg holidays, nights out, sex etc.

Whenever it comes down to settling down or moving in he runs a mile... He lives with his mum but has a mortgaged flat. When she got pregnant by mistake a year ago he berated her and abused her emotionally about this as he didn't want a baby and she miscarried.

He has said and done (I've seen him in a bar and he's been chatting up other women, he didn't realise I'd seen him until it was too late!) things that make it plain that's she's low on his list and is there for sex and companionship.

Not sure if this makes him a player but your man could easily slot into this, commitment phone, Using you for sex etc.

My friend now, after all this time (and some major life changes) would like a nice relationship but is dependent on this man's crumbs. Her self esteem is low because she knows he will never commit and has cheated on her. And sex is one of the main reasons they're together. Oh did I mention they're always arguing and breaking up?

Don't do this to yourself, break up with him and be thankful he is being honest with you.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Phobe not phone!

[notagiraffe]

OP I haven't read the full thread, sorry (five pages!) But I suggest something a bit different from what you summarised above. You've only just got back into wanting to date. perhaps him, as he is, is exactly what you want right now. Just enjoy time with him without the anxiety of how serious it might get. For now, just enjoy it for what it is. Who knows? You might end up being close friends and casual lovers for years.
I suspect he won't settle down. But he's honest with you. So see him when you want to. Enjoy the freedom this gives you both. Keep your independent single life alive too. I think people worry too much about what something is going to turn into instead of enjoying things as they are for what they are. When you are absolutely ready to look for something more serious, you could let him know. By then, he might be too. But if he's not, then you can leave with no hard feelings and look for someone with shared values.

[category12]

Because if you have to win someone round or contort yourself into what you think they want, you're always on the backfoot, you will never feel safe or loved, because it's always been uneven and you're the one who wanted it more.

[CreativelyChallenging]

second I think it does happen that people end up in long term happy relationships where one or both of them wanted different things at the start, people change or where one of them did quite a lot of "chasing" /"persuading".

I know of lots of couples (personal knowledge young and old and biographies/interviews of others) where one person stuck it out to "win round" the other.

It's happened to me. I had a long term relationship when I was much younger with a man who first time I met him, I just wasnt interested. A year or so later, hed changed - had a lot of career success, more confident, put more effort into his appearance - so he went from being someone who wasnt my type/didnt attract me to someone who was.

So I dont think in principle its an impossible cause. I know it is unlikely to be successful but as Ive said Id like to try. I think the world of him. He is very attractive so its unsurrprising that he has a lot of options.

I was worried about the poster above who said she knew a similar man who ultimately married an icy heiress who cared less than the man himself. I think that very well could be this man tbh. I maybe wrong but I get a sense that money and status are important to him; I am not an heiress sadly and this isnt like losing weight or developing an interest in darts/football/his passion... unless I win the lottery (which I dont play), Im never going to be superwealthy. :(

He does like me I know; I want to try to create the best chance for him to actually develop feelings for me. I think he could actually if he chose to spend more time with me; I feel like he is deliberately keeping me at arms lenght. It may very well be cos he senses my true feelings for him - even though Ive never told him I love him.

[Justwondering79]

Bide your time. I was once in love with a man just like this. Now he "can't bear to see me" because I am happily married with a baby and that's all he (now) wants - not from me necessarily, but with someone - anyone who means something. Makes me feel rather smug.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

OP, players (of both sexes) do sometimes fall very hard for people and change their ways. I've known a few.

But it was the right time and the right partner. No games needed. No plans or schemes.

This hasn't however, happened to this man. He's said he wants to continue with his usual MO. So...