Practical Tips For Managing a Player

[CreativelyChallenging]

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

[QueenLizIII]

The only thing I would add is that he has straight up told you it isnt exclusive.

Does it not make you sick to your stomach that your love has had his penis and tongue inside someone else maybe in the same week as you? That someone else is blowing him off and you are running over and doing the same......while thinking he is a special guy?

That thought alone, wondering who and when he last fucked someone else would make me sick. He didnt even lie and say it is only you but doesn't want serious?

Wow he saw you coming.

[annandale]

No, we don't think you are a waste of space. Sorry if my post was chippy - well, I know it was. As you may have guessed, I have been in a relationship a bit like this. I think you are worth far, far more than spending even a few weeks manoeuvring around hiding your real self in order to feel like you are in a relationship. Sorry to sound like a L'Oreal ad but you, and he, are worth far, far more than this.

[Lorelei76]

Lobotomise him?
Seriously, leave him alone. He's been honest with you, your needs don't match, just move on. Even if he wasn't a player, I love being single so when I've told a couple of guys it was going nowhere but just the odd date, I expected them to do the courtesy of believing me...one didn't and now if I think of him, it's as the sad desperate one.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

So he's been honest and upfront with you about what he wants, and in return you're planning to try and manipulate him into something else entirely.

That's not very nice.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Please read this. it's AMAZING. www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[QueenLizIII]

I've told a couple of guys it was going nowhere but just the odd date, I expected them to do the courtesy of believing me...one didn't and now if I think of him, it's as the sad desperate one.

Listen to this.....you will come across as so desperate if you do try and win him over.

You have feelings for him and so it just wont work. Either tell him you want more or just leave it and cut him off.

[Only1scoop]

He doesn't want you to 'win him round' he just wants to fuck you for a while

[Only1scoop]

He doesn't want you to 'win him round' he just wants to fuck you for a while

[Offred]

So he's been honest and upfront with you about what he wants, and in return you're planning to try and manipulate him into something else entirely.

That's not very nice.

No, it really isn't very nice at all. In fact it is pretty scumbaggy behaviour.

That's without even getting into all the many reasons why this is an absolutely fucking awful plan for your own self...

[JoJoSM2]

It sounds like you're far from ready for a relationship or have some self esteem issues or sth... You put yourself in a position win which you will get hurt and feel like poo... and to echo another poster - there is nothing you can do to win him over.

[tribpot]

Sorry if you all think I am a waste of space.

We think you're treating yourself as if your feelings don't matter. As if it's fine to sabotage your own happiness by desperately trying to hang on to someone who has clearly stated he is only looking for casual fun. The responses here are because we don't think you are a waste of space, and that you should value yourself highly enough to look for someone who is capable of loving you in return.

it's taken me such a long time to get over past stuff and start to date at all

You really aren't over it, if you're willing to invest time and emotional energy on a red herring of a relationship.

[Mistykit]

Why did you wait 6 months?

[keepingonrunning]

I think you would do yourself a much better service by taking a break/another break from dating and putting your energy into working on your massively low self-esteem issues.
He doesn't have any respect for you because - and I mean this in a kind way - you don't have any respect for yourself. He's told you he likes to shag around and staggeringly you have come back for more. He thinks you're an idiot! His type will take the piss more and more and be flattered by how much crap you will put up with, like a wounded animal, because he knows he has you in the palm of his hand. You make yourself extremely vulnerable to a lot more hurt by continuing in a relationship in which the other person has all the power.
You are showing him you don't think you deserve to be treated better. BUT YOU DO!! Why dine out on crumbs when you can have steak?

[Dadaist]

Hi OP - well I hear you. You think you can hatch a plan to turn this man. So some health warnings are bound to follow. Most will be thinking...why?
Just because he's been honest with you doesn't mean he's honest, or strong or caring or reliable or any list of adjectives you might want in a partner. But I'm sure he will be exciting, engaging, amusing, and will make you feel safe in the times you are with him.
So I'll give you what you are looking for ...and wish you luck!

Firstly, men like your guy fall in love when they meet their match. Only when someone as desirable, attractive, strong and alluring as they consider themselves comes along do they modify. And if he's given you his 'not exclusive' line then chances are, this isn't his first impression of you. He's just not that into you.
Secondly, any shit you take will be shit you make for yourself. If you just 'forgive' him for anything (standing you up, forgetting the time, letting you down, whatever) then it will encourage him beyond measure. Forgive him being an hour late, and he will be twice as late next time.
So you'll have to be tough! Be clear what is and us not acceptable. But fly off the handle and you also lose. I can't emphasise how important it will be to remain calm. The angrier and madder you feel, the cooler you'll have to focus on being.Think 'swan' - calmly gliding over the surface, no one seeing webbed feet kicking like crazy underwater.
You'll need to have your own life, your own priorities and your own social life. And he needs to think he may have competition, so dinner dates, flirty dancing and NSA encounters have to be a possibility. If he thinks no one else wants you, he won't either! And the second you change all your social arrangements to be with him - it's game over - he's been made top priority, and you won't get any sympathy from anyone, and you won't deserve it.
And if you're not exhausted enough by the above, just remember that he's been honest with you! For a player, that's a bad sign. It means he's prepared for you to walk away - to let you go without a fight, you take it or leave it! He's prepared to make you do the running, knowing that if you were cool, calm, self assured, attractive, alluring, desirable and with high self esteem, you would have treated his desire to see you and play the field with contempt. Your self respect is a marker of your value.
In the end, guys want (in their eyes) a high value, low maintenance partner - they will then treat them with respect. Some women are high value, but also high maintenance (dramas, demanding, spoilt, selfish, jealous etc - but gorgeous and sexy and strong) others are low value high maintenance (worst combination).
You've started out by stating that yes - you are going to be low maintenance, and start a relationship with this 'player without being demanding or controlling. The question is - are you going to value yourself enough to be valued by him? And if he's just not that into you, there will be little you can do to change things.
I hope that was the kind of answer you were looking for?
So good luck OP (genuinely) you're going to need it!

[Paperplanesover]

Just to go against the tide and because I've namechanged for another thread I'll offer som advice.

I met the exact same man as you (his name doesn't start with D does it?!) he was a big player, all the women wanted him, he never went without sex blah blah blah.

And I got him. You know why? Because I didn't want him. As simple as that. He was so used to be messaged, pursued and sought after. Everytime he posted something on FB women would flood in. If he text someone they would reply immediately. I gave him just enough attention and then left him hanging. We had sex and then I'd leave. I wouldn't text him. I have a busy life and a full social life. There was always photos of me on FB out having fun with other men. But to him I was cold. And then occasionally out of the blue I'd text him something nice and then go cold again. He never knew where he stood.

No it's not nice. Not im not proud of myself. Yes I knew what I was doing. But he fell hard and pursued me for months, told me I was a game changer, that I had broken the mold, I was the only one he would change for. But I didn't want him in the end. And this sounds horrible but I just wanted to see if I could get him.

Remember that he is being pursued on a daily basis. You need to be different.

[Paperplanesover]

Yes to the duck analogy! I stood in a club whilst he flirted with every woman around trying to make me jealous. I didn't bat an eyelid and carried on having a good night. That was the night it all changed and he started pursuing me.

[keepingonrunning]

All that game playing is going to be exhausting and for what?

[Paperplanesover]

How's it exhausting. You aren't doing anything!

[Twogoats]

Easy. Trick him into a baby. Tell him you're on the pill, get pregnant, and Bob's your uncle!

Band-aid babies are famous for cementing doomed relationships.

I'd wish you luck, but you don't need any!

[ProcrastinatingSquid2]

Act like you don't really like him or want him. Date other guys. Be aloof and unavailable. That's the kind of thing that might make a 'player' want you. And with any luck, you'll start to believe you're too good for him, might meet a guy who you don't need to play games with for him to like you, and might enjoy holding some power.
I must admit though, I think you might end up getting hurt here, which is a shame because it's going to undo the work you've done to get to want to be with someone again.

[Roygrace]

Oh god I had the same also with a d! Not in Liverpool are any of you!

I had to go no contact as it was embarrassing! Exactly what people said above. I was like a wounded animal going back for more until I got my arse kicked on here. I hated it at first but kept releasing thread and it gave me strength to walk away, go no contact and not allow him in my head.

I'm working on self esteem and staying single by choice as I need a relationship with me before I'm available for anyone else

[QueenLizIII]

And I got him. You know why? Because I didn't want him. As simple as that. He was so used to be messaged, pursued and sought after. Everytime he posted something on FB women would flood in. If he text someone they would reply immediately. I gave him just enough attention and then left him hanging. We had sex and then I'd leave. I wouldn't text him.

paperplanesover wasnt game playing though. She didnt want him. It wasnt exhausting for her as she didnt want him.

Carrying on with a casual relationship and having it turn into something only really "works" if you dont want them at all.

This kind of thing wont work for the OP because she does want him.

[QueenLizIII]

Act like you don't really like him or want him. Date other guys. Be aloof and unavailable. That's the kind of thing that might make a 'player' want you.

I've done exactly this lately. Hasnt really worked. Nothing really does. I just went silent totally.

[ILiveForNachos]

This is probably the saddest relationship post I've read in a while. Put the effort into loving yourself instead and then you'll laugh and realise that this was the stupidest idea you have ever had.

[keepingonrunning]

Manipulating someone, whether to encourage or discourage their interest, takes mental energy. For some it's a sport and for others the potential rewards are not enough.