Practical Tips For Managing a Player

[CreativelyChallenging]

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

OP you ask how you can win him round and almost all the replies say that you can't. Several question the morality of even trying. You've clearly decided to ignore all that - that's your choice.

But if you are going to carry on having sex with this guy at the very least be as honest with him as he has been with you. Allow him to know the truth and decide whether he really wants to continue having sex with you. He deserves that.

Having sex with someone while you have a hidden motive for doing so, and while you are consciously using your sexual relationship with them to try to manipulate them into something that they have openly said that they do not want is a horrific thing to do. It is nasty, controlling and abusive. It removes from the other person any ability for them to give informed consent. It really is a horrific thing to do.

So at the very least tell this man what your intentions are. Yes you might lose him, but this will also test whether you really do love him or whether you just want him like some prize. If you really do love and respect him you would want him not to be manipulated and abused. If you'd rather just manipulate and abuse him, denying him the ability to give informed consent to sex In the hope that you get what you want out of him then that it is definitely not love or respect. It's just selfish and abusive.

Also, most people dislike being pursued by someone who wants more than they are willing to give. Ethical, strong-minded people detect attempts to manipulate them and/or the other person's desperation, and walk away quickly and as kindly as possible. Less ethical people put up with it, possibly even take advantage of it, but after a while nearly everyone will start to feel contempt for a clingy, desperate stalker.

Wow - this makes me very very

Your last post made me cross, OP. You don't want to listen? Fine. I'm not about to tell another woman (however beguiled), 'tips' for making him want you. Because he doesn't - not beyond what you already are giving him.

It's no wonder that you don't feel good about yourself. How can you? You know that you're being your own worst enemy and you just want to dive headlong into it regardless of what anybody says, so...

Throw yourself at him, knock yourself out. How's that for an opener? As an ongoing 'strategy'... and, if that doesn't cut it, there's always the Kathy Bates 'hobbling'. That might work.

None of your analogies work OP. It's not comparable to those situations. I suggest you go and watch "He's Not that Into You". There are no "tips" that will get over that, I'm afraid.

I am sympathetic to a point, because I've been there, but you're making me realise just how exasperating I must have been to my friends!

As a pp said, the only thing you can do is stop having sex with him. See if he is only interested in that. There is a tiny chance if he has deeper feelings for you it might spur him to commit. But be warned this is very likely to result in one of two things - he realises he can't give you what you need and moves on, or he realises what has happened and pulls the strings he needs to to wind you back around his finger. This depends on whether he is a decent, or manipulative man. I'm sure he already realises that he holds all the power here.

You were expecting 'strategic advice?' I really can't think what strategy anyone could possibly come up with.

The only thing that could make him think what he is missing is to walk away. But I think that is too risky for you so you won't do it. You have to be determined to stay away if you don't get what you want.

OP, many years ago I began a casual situation.

He decided that he wanted more. He tried to 'woo' me, he tried strategies. It felt very claustrophobic, it was annoying and very cloying because I'd told him I didn't want a relationship with him. We got on well enough, we were friends, I liked him, I fancied him enough, we had a laugh, but his attempts to win me round just became cringey and made me feel a bit sick, if I'm honest. He just wasn't the person I'd envisaged myself with in the long term.

He sent me a long letter telling me how he felt and how I'd hurt him, etc. I do have a little more compassion now, with 20 years more experience behind me, but at the time I wasn't impressed.

I had nothing more to do with him.

That is what really happens when someone tried to win you round when you have told them you're not interested in more. It shows a complete lack of regard and respect and means they would never be someone you wanted a relationship with because they don't listen to you and don't care about your feelings.

There are a lot of women who regard men as slightly hapless fools who don't know their own mind and need a good woman to come along and sort them out.

This is bollocks.

I thought I would get more helpful strategic advice and tips.

You got a really excellent and comprehensive piece of strategic advice from dadaist which my advice to you would be to read and re-read again; it contains the ingredients you need for the purpose you have with all the usual provisos of such a plan.

I don't understand your reproach toward posters. I have two friends who are in a very similar situation and it's sad to see such dishonesty (on her part) meet with such indifference on his. But your post has made me glad I have kept my counsel with them - because I like each of them for different reasons and thankfully I fancy neither!

Two points I'd like to make.

1. the best relationships imo are the ones that just work. No trying. No bullshit. You slot into one another's lives and there is no reason to leave. All this trying is bullshit.

2. all of these (young?) posters talking about looks. Wait until something serious happens. Looks are superficial. In fact I'd go so far as to say they are a poor judge of character, as many attractive people think they deserve life handing to them on a plate and then something serious happens and their strength of character is simply not there as it has not been developed. Beware those who think looks are all that matters.

You cannot influence love in my view. Do not try to. It is either there or it is not. Be yourself, your full and true self, and sail thro life as well as you can, being a good person, and sometimes you will love those who love you back and sometimes people will love you whom you do not love. In either case be honest and gentle to both parties.

Over time I have learned that hearts are to be cherished, both mine and others. Beware taking them from others to hold, beware giving yours to others who do not know their value.

OP you may love this man, but he doesn't appear to feel the same. Therefore guard your heart for it doesn't need to be broken too many times. X. When love happens it just happens in my experience and all of this angst is not necessary.

But, as so many of us learned the hard way, you can bang your head against the wall until you alone decide to stop. Just always keep your eye on your friends and your money because sadly men come and go xxx

If all you want is strategic advice and are unwilling to listen to anyone then the only thing I would say is stop sleeping with him. But you won't.

As an alternative to listening to all the great advice you have received on here. You could just buy a book on managing players >>>>>
Alex Ferguson

can't do any harm.

Not yet read TFT, but I do actually know someone who was a complete player. Total playboy round town, sex clubs and everything. His little black book was more of a filing cabinet.

So when we met up for drinks (always was and will be platonic) it was lucky I was sitting down when he told me he was getting married!

He is now happily married of a few years standing to one of his former dalliances and they seem very content.

So it does happen, but my level of amazement is commensurate with the complete and utter unlikelihood of lightning striking twice.

OP, if you must carry on, do it with eyes open and treat it like a game you are unlikely to win. Prepare for heartbreak as well. Any other way lies madness.

The questions isn't how but why would you want to?
This is about you NOT him!
Why on earth would you want to waste time on someone who has been honest and told you he doesn't want or see a relationship with you.
Why would you want sex with someone who will be having sex with others?
Why would you knowingly cause yourself heart ache?
This isn't love OP this is self destruction and obsession on your part and will destroy any self respect you have.
Do you like rejection or is this a pattern... not healthy!

Usually if you're taking someone to the opera or giving them flowers it's because you know they're also interested. This man has told you he isn't.

You either continue the way you are and accept that unless you trick him into a relationship then it will never be exactly what you need; relax and enjoy the no strings attached sex and dating while still keeping your eye out; cut your losses and tell him you're after a relationship.

It's perfectly reasonable to want what he wants or what you want. But ultimately your wants are not compatible. The likelihood is, is that you will get hurt. Having wasted some of the best years of your life trying to make him into something he has told you he's not.

Don't do it.

It's not like the CEO analogy - there are no vacancies. If you'd asked for advise on that, people would have told you to apply elsewhere.

Tactical advice for you, now:

Decide if a FWB scenario works for you. That's the offer on the table.
a) If yes, continue to spend time with him and sleep with him. Don't expect him to change for you.
b) If no, and you only want a relationship, tell him so. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, stop seeing him and stop sleeping with him.

Oh love, you've said he's what you want, but he's already told you this relationship being serious is not what he wants. The longer you're with him, the more hurt you'll be in the end because you already love him and those feelings will only deepen.

Is he open with you about other 'relationships' he's having and how do you feel about that?

How old is he OP? I reckon if he's 45+ you've got a tiny shot that he might be old enough to start possibly rethinking the not settling down business. Under 30 forget about it. But I'm afraid I echo everyone else. Please don't do this to yourself. You've obviously been hurt in the past by the way you say it's taken a lot to get here. Getting badly hurt again isn't going to help. Walk away before it gets much much harder, please.

OP "Men do this kind of thing all the time - "chase" after a women but disguise it and get tips on it. "She likes flowers; send her flowers". "She likes the opera; take her to the opera". Why should it be so terrible for a woman to do the same thing?

I mean if I were saying "I want to be the CEO but the board of directors like me but currently dont want me for the job. how can I maximise my chances of getting that job?" I don't think people would be saying "oh well you deserve better. try another company" or "you dont have a hope in hell" or "you obviously have low self esteem" - everyone would be piling in with a strategy. "

um, no. If you wanted to be CEO and the Board didn't want that, you would be told - by anyone with an ounce of common sense - not to fight the entire board and to fulfil your ambition to be CEO elsewhere, or stay put in the lesser job.

Re men being told buy her flowers, take her to the opera - it doens't work!! If you don't like the guy enough you don't stay with him.

I don't know if you've mentioned your age here but you sound awfully young - 19 maybe? So I'm sorry if people here seem harsh but you can't make anyone like you that much whether it's because they don't see you as CEO material or because they don't want to have a LTR.

Apart from being one of the women he puts in the sack you have nothing to offer this man, because he doesn't want anymore.
Either be happy with what he offers or move on, but he won't suddenly change and want more.
He's been honest with you, some men just aren't the committing type.

You can't make someone love you, they have to decide that themselves. My advice? Prepare to be hurt, very hurt when it backfires.

It's hard to hear that someone is just not that into you (and you should either read the book or see the film of that!!). So no wonder you feel crap reading us all saying that.

I think this is worth re-focussing on though:
After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons
Armchair psychology alert: I think you're fixating on this guy because actually you're still not yet ready for a 100% all-in relationship yet. Part of his attraction for you, subconsciously, is that he's unattainable. And he's really unattainable - a complete player who's told you in so many words that he doesn't want a LTR. You want to believe that you're ready for one and if you waste all your emotional energy on him then you can keep telling yourself that you are all ready for an LTR and it's just him with commitment issues.

Whereas actually, for whatever reason, you aren't ready either. That's fine. It's perfectly acceptable not to feel ready for an LTR. It doesn't make you a lesser person in any way. But it would be much much better for your emotional health to deal with that rather than deny it.

If you want a mans insight into what it is like to be chased by someone you're disinterested in have a read of this

IME players like the chase, so you have to be someone who is (or appears to be) disinterested in him. Unattainable.
Once he's achieved success (i.e slept with the woman) he will lose interest UNLESS she is completely ambivilent about him.

He may go on to marry her - but she will always have to appear ambivilent to pique his interest (but he may well shag around anyway).

There is an expression "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen". Sadly it is all too often accurate (and applies to either sex)

Personally I wouldn't bother with all that game playing shite - but your circus, your monkeys.

(The Player I knew fell finally for a woman who gave him the clap. He adored her. Go figure.)

He is honest with you. That is a rare and great quality. If being single and exploring the world is fine. Bit harsh to label player if he is honest. One day he maybe in a stage to comit properly. But if he is not at this stage, he just not. Likewise if you want something deeper then he is not for you. Just a case of miss matched life stages. Just how it is. Good relationships should be something that flow naturally and are not social engineered. Something that has been changed direction by force often has a habit of springing back. You should try and handle, persuade or coerce anyone in to giving you more than they want to offer.

Shouldn't*