Practical Tips For Managing a Player

[CreativelyChallenging]

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

[QueenLizIII]

How often doe the one that wont go away really happen?

I was in my late teens when i last did that as I didnt know any better. But I have to say he encouraged me even though he didnt want me. As soon as I gave up though, guess who came back?

When we talk about ghosting, what we mean is we have dated someone a few times and we have done nothing to scare them off and they just vanish with no explanation. When I was younger I would chase them up but now I just let it go.

Howver in the context of the OPs predicament, she runs the risk of becoming the one that wont go away.

if she is not prepared to stop with this guy then she musnt chase him at all. He must make all the arrangements.

[paddlenorapaddle]

You've set you're bar too low here's my tip manage his skanky backside right out the door

You can do better

[venusinscorpio]

Yes, and some people are just shits, user. It entirely depends on the people and the circumstances.

[ocelot7]

OP I agree with Something2say among many others - you can't make people love you (its already a lost cause if you have to try/strategise :( ) I know this through bitter experience...

The best relationships just work & this isn't one of them :( You daren't tell him how you feel (because you know he won't like it & won't reciprocate) & that's so sad. Give yourself the possibility to find someone who will be capable of feeling the same way as you :)

[user1476869312]

I have known plenty of people be troubled by The One That Won't Go Away. They've usually tried being all vague and non-commital and 'Bit busy at the moment' in an attempt to avoid hurting the other person's feelings by coming out and saying 'I do not want any kind of further contact from you'. But some people will not take a hint, and continue pestering till you have to either block them or have an uncomfortable showdown. I don't think there is anything at all wrong in ignoring a person who is being a pest - people like this are often pushing for some sort of reaction so they can whine and play the martyr and make you into the bad guy.

[TirednessIsComing]

It doesn't matter if the person gave someone the impression they were clingy or whatever. You just say no thanks and walk away. If you just ignore and walk away you are leaving the other person confused and unsure where they stand. Some people would walk while others would want to know if they did wrong.

And bullshit movies and books and the whole idea of 'him bring mean is him showing interest' doesn't help. I disliked the arrogance of the writers of 'he's just not that into you' but their message is true.

If you behave like a dick, like the guy queen mentioned and like my friend does by ghosting just enough to push them away but then keep them back because it gives you a thrill...You deserve being called on it.

If someone is a turn off, you say no thanks and they keep pestering and annoying then ghosting is the way forward because anything else could be a yes sign. But to not be honest in the first place is very rude imo and shows who you are more then them. The only time I've ever heard someone I know suggest it was with friendship, when the person was toxic and would not listen to being told a polite Fuck off. Then it was the best and only option.

[venusinscorpio]

No, of course not. What a wanker.

[QueenLizIII]

*sow not so

[QueenLizIII]

You don't have a god given right to avoid all confrontation either, user. If you treat someone like shit, expect that you might get called on it.

Quite.

I agree totally Venus. calling people out on bad behaviour is not crazy or stalkerish. You reap what you so.

I have, in my past, gone utterly crazy with guys and said some harsh things. One such example was one guy a few years ago I thought I was dating, suddenly informed me we could no longer meet as he had now met someone. So I asked him what the hell I was. He said I needed sex.

Was me giving him hell for that appalling behaviour me being a clingy stalker?

[venusinscorpio]

You don't have a god given right to avoid all confrontation either, user. If you treat someone like shit, expect that you might get called on it.

[QueenLizIII]

But sometimes the person complaining about being ghosted or ignored or not getting 'closure' is the person who gave the other party the impression of being a clingy whiner, a stalker or just a bore.

That is really harsh. Unless there is a whole lot of women who behave like jealous children.

Ghosting is common so SO common. How common are threads like the OPs? This is the first I've seen on the subject: trying to get someone to do what they dont want to do.

FYI I've been ghosted this year. We had nice dates. He vanished. I texted and asked how he was, got a luke warm response. Thought fuck it. Left it alone. He comes back 3 weeks later, asks me out again. I go. He tells me he doesnt want anything serious but he likes my company I say ok fine and mean it. He says he will take me out again and I say ok that would be nice. We say goodbye, he never contacts me again and I have just left it.

Is there anything in there that I did that could be construed as giving the impression of being a clingy whiner, a stalker or just a bore. or an individual who you think might actually be dangerous



There arent actually that many women that I know of who would beg and plead and be all fatal attraction on someone who doesnt want them and has said so.

[user1476869312]

The most important thing about dating is to accept that everyone has the right to walk away and stop contact, at any stage, for any reason. People don't 'owe' you commitment, or a relationship, or another date, or an explanation.'
Yes, sometimes some people will offer things they are not prepared to give, and some will be a bit callous, but shit happens. But sometimes the person complaining about being ghosted or ignored or not getting 'closure' is the person who gave the other party the impression of being a clingy whiner, a stalker or just a bore. Sometimes ignoring someone you dated feels like the best and safest way to rid yourself of an individual who you think might actually be dangerous - or at least thoroughly unpleasant, if you do the dumping at a face-to-face meeting.

[LittleTripToHeaven]

1DAD I think you are right. I have already posted about my situation. I had an FWB situation, but it was about 20 years ago before online dating and about 18 years before I'd ever heard of the term!

He was the one who wanted more and wrote me a long and heartfelt letter about how I'd hurt him and misled him. I hadn't. We'd never discussed being 'together'. We got on well, we had a laugh, we hung out and we had sex, but it was never going to be any more than that. I was really confused at the time because I didn't understand what the problem was, tbh.

18 years on, after my marriage broke down, I had 3. One ended because he was still hung up on his wife and it wasn't working on any level. But it was great. Both of the others I still see. The arrangements carried until I got bored of the situation. One, I went out with last week for a drink and a catch up. The B side of it never even gets mentioned. We don't flirt, there's nothing like that anymore, we're just mates and it's fine. The other lets me know on a regular basis that, if I'm ever up for it again, it's there. But I don't think I well. It feels a bit "been there, done that" now.

It annoys me when people state categorically on here that women can't do FWB.

[Giselaw]

With kindness OP, when he says he doesn't want a serious relationship, he may mean in a vague sort of theoretical way for the foreseeable future ... But he really means he doesn't want a serious relationship WITH YOU IN PARTICULAR.

It's harsh, but it's true. He's imagining a commitment to you and he can't see it.

He could meet someone tomorrow and decide she's got all the qualities he's ever looked for in another person and want to spend the rest of his life with her.

[Strawberry90]

Go to counselling work on yourself - find out why you think you aren't deserving of a real relationship

As for tips - be unavailable - and then available and then unavailable and then available - players like to play games

[Yoarchie]

Holy fuckery op. There isn't anything wrong with the way you feel or what you want to accomplish so don't feel bad about yourself.

However. I have a male relative who is a player. I have seen so many girlfriends come and go (he cheats on them/discards them through boredom). Every time, I want to go up to the latest one and tell her what a wanker he is. He has a nickname he calls his GF by. It's the same nickname for all of them. Saves getting names wrong. Honestly, it makes me sick. I can't imagine trying to tame this kind of man.

In your position there is only one option as far as I can see. You have a serious convo in which you tell him you really like him, would like to be exclusive with a view to a long term relationship. Ask him if that works for him. If not, run a mile.

[QueenLizIII]

Same here Scorpio.
When I was last a fwb....I didnt know I was if that makes sense. I suspected. I was kept around long enough for them to find someone they did want.

this time they were honest about liking me but not wanting something serious. ok. but then vanished anyway when i was cool with it.

[venusinscorpio]

I have no problem in theory having an FWB. I do tend to get bored with it unless I have feelings for the person. And I have never met someone who was upfront about only wanting a FWB and had a problem. My FWB situations that dragged on too long didn't start off as casual dating, so they were messier.

[1DAD2KIDS]

My experience when I have causally dated is that most women wanted more than FWB or causal even though they have said so or advertised under that premis. I don't know if something deeper was their original true intention or for some reason they have started to fall for me more than intended. But it seems to me that a woman wanting truly FWB is rare. I never want to mess anyone around so I think it's a mater of being more savy to avoid them who will end up wanting more. I would not like to continue with someone who wanted more from me than I was willing to offer. That would not be nice and I wouldn't want to waste their time when they could be finding their Mr right instead.

[QueenLizIII]

Ive done the whole cling on to FWB like grim death for a couple of years before. I cringe now.

this is why Ive made no attempt to contact recent guy either. Taking all the bad mistakes out of him maybe.

[venusinscorpio]

As I say, I've had some truly cringeworthy times too where I have let men keep me hanging on and treat me like crap as a FWB for years and years. I think this guy got the brunt of some of that anger if I'm honest, which was maybe unfair!

[QueenLizIII]

Good for you. Id be too embarrassed to confront. Id just scuttle off.

i tend to think they must have hated me to blank. which is illogical.

[venusinscorpio]

We're still Facebook friends, occasionally he pops up on my newsfeed. I'd have deleted him if we hadn't ended amicably.

[venusinscorpio]

I was just so angry about him blanking me to my face that I didn't care what he or anyone thought!

[venusinscorpio]

He was fine. We went out. But it was a temporary thing when I was living away from home for 3 months. We never actually had sex, just went on a few dates.